Lonely

After a bad week of everything happening at once, our due date yesterday and having an appointment with both the FS and the gastro doc on Monday, I had a bit of a break down last night. To be honest I think I needed it a while ago, but have been happily living in my bubble.

Work has been so shitty lately, I actually feel worthless if that makes any sense? I share a corridor with 3 other people, all are seriously stuck up their own arses and make no attempt to speak to me what-so-ever. This week I have been at work, and as the students are on holiday, I have sat at my desk in absolute silence for 8 hours a day. My manager is not responding to emails about me needing time off, the staff I usually work with are now on summer holidays so are not on campus which means i am thumb twiddling, we have a huge leak in the bathroom ceiling that means the whole thing needs re-plastering, Martins grandads health is getting worse and worse and I'm not sure how long he realistically has left, Martin may be loosing his job before summer arrives, my best friend has started TTC (which is being kept a secret from me, but another friend let it slip, thanks...) so i'm awaiting that announcement, Martins cousins baby scans are all over Facebook, MIL is demanding Marting go here, there and everywhere, and I just need everything to stop. For just a moment.

I broke down last night after breaking a glass whilst washing the dishes. I think my depression is starting to sneak back in again, but I sincerely hope not. I took a sneaky day off work today to just try an sort my head out. If that meant crying for 2 hours straight then baking bread, so be it.

The real reason why I think i'm feeling like trapped in a bubble with the air slowly being sucked out, is I'm lonely, and scared, with nowhere to turn. For those that read my blog, please don't see this as a negative against you. I have gained best friends out of my IF, and I will class them as close friends for the forseable future and nothing will change that, but inevitably, as our paths all take different routes, we all start travelling in different directions. I'm sort of in the middle of a path, on my own, without a map or directions.

I'm terrified about IUI, loosing sleep at night terrified. I'm convinced it isn't going to work, I so don't want to put myself through that pain of seeing BFN after BFN after medication. Clomid failures almost killed me, now I'm putting myself through it again and I'm so scared I can't even put into words how I feel. I just cry. But at the same time, I completely understand how unbelievably lucky I am to have the opportunity to have IUI, so have no right what so ever to complain about going through it, I know this. But it doesn't stop me being petrified of what the next three months have in store, and the following months after that. Martin is ever the optimist and I am so sick of hearing "Well I'm hopeful" or "I think it will work" when in reality, the odds are not in our favour. I've spent most of today researching, and I came across a poll which showed that last month 43 woman went their IUI, ONE woman got a BFP. It's even more terrifying to read about all the miscarriages after IUIs - I can't go through that again.

I'm rambling here, and I apologies, but here is the only place I can ramble. I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either secretly TTC (I'd imagine soon to be ex, sadly) or too busy planning trips around the world, drinking events or parties to ask in passing how I am. Martins family haven't asked us one thing about LTTTC since we came out to them in June, NOT ONE THING. They all go on like its not happening and while I love my Dad to death, but he's not exactly the person I want to call and discuss follies with during medication and sadly I don't have my Mum.

I'm more scared about what I'm going to do when I get that first BFN (realistically this is the result, I like hope but not false hope) who is going to support me? Martin can't take time off work, I have no friends at work and my real life friends dont know or care enough to ask questions. So it will be me, alone in the house. There will be nothing, what so ever, stopping that depressiong from coming back and slapping me across the face.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday little one, I'm sorry we only met briefly and we didn't get the chance to know you. We still think of you constantly, and hope that one day in the future we'll get the chance to try again. We love you.

We should be having a party for you today, but if your anything like your dad no doubt you would have been awkward so today's date may have not meant a thing. But just so you know, mummy will celebrate by lighting a candle and having a drink. It may not be classy, it certainly isn't ideal but that's your Mum, and if you were a girl, you would be exactly the same.

Xxx

ARGH

Our last appointment with FS was January 4th 2013. Finally, in 6 days time we're having out first IUI consultation, so this time next week I will know if IUI will be this month or next.

After waiting for it to come for so long, now Im dreading the testing, symptom spottings and all the stress and tears that are about to be welcomed back into my life with a massive bang.

But then 5 minutes later Im unbelievably excited and wish the appointment was today so we can start planning.

Sort yourself out head.

Supportive my big fat bottom!

I belong to a Facebook community which is supposed to provide support for all women (and men) going through infertility. 

If I read one more comment on there along the lines of "If you can afford IVF, skip IUI" or "IUI was a waste of time" I'm going to start fucking shit up. 

What about those who don't have the option of skipping IUI? Or can't afford IVF? What you're pretty much saying to them is "Ha, the 3 months worth of treatment you're going to put yourself through is a huge waste of time, you won't get pregnant, and nothing good will come of it" 

Fuck you. 

When I was 5 I fell off my dads motorbike (while it was parked in the back garden) and badly cut my knee (got the scars to prove it!) I went to the hospital and first they tried gluing it, that didn't work, so I ended up with stitches. Using the same logic, I'm going to go and hang around the Accident and Emergency Department today wearing a huge sandwich board that reads 

"DON'T LET THEM USE GLUE ON ANY LACERATIONS, ITS SHIT. IT DOESN'T WORK. JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR STITCHES AND DON'T BE SO STUPID!"

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods. 

 

Another year older

I turned 25 two days ago, I don't feel any different than I did 3 days ago, but now I just have a different imaginary number following me around wherever I go. Since I was young my life goal was to have children when I was 25, so I officially have 362 days left to achieve a positive pregnancy test. Lets so how this goes...

My birthday weekend was great! I booked Friday and Monday off work so it was a long 4 day weekend, we went to the zoo on Saturday, as I love the zoo like a big kid! Obviously, the zoo was full of young children running around and massively pregnant woman, so I kept myself occupied cooing over baby giraffes and the new born meerkats. We then stayed in a gorgeous Bed and Breakfast, which turned out to be just over the boarder and into Wales (It took us a good 4 hours of being there to realise we weren't in England any more, and even then it was only because of the welsh writing everywhere!) As we were already in Wales, the next morning we drove a couple of hours further down the coast and visited Caenarfon Castle, which is beautiful and great fun to run around! Its not one of those historic castle that's all fenced off for safety, its was a castle built in 1322 which you can still walk around. We walked through all the great halls, the walls, up and down every turret, visited the kings chambers, climbed through secret tunnels and ended up in dungeons and in the old kitchens, it was scary, but fascinating! Definitely worth a visit!

This is a photo we took of one of the turrets you can climb, good workout for the legs!!

Now I'm back at work, and god do I need a new job. My brain is melting and I'm bored to tears at this place, but it's so quiet and so understanding they're great with the IF and time off, so I'm stuck in a bit of a catch 22 situation. 

When I joined the university I was employed as a academic and pastoral tutor for the students, so my job is to help them with assignments, understanding how to write them, marking criteria etc...as well as dealing with pastoral problems, relationship breakdowns, financial difficulties, housing issues etc...you name it, I have dealt with it. This was a job that nobody had ever done before, so I was the first person in the role. I work with three different degree teams, and out of those three, only one have made me feel welcome. I think the other two feel a little threatened by my presence, as I am pretty much here to make sure the students are happy and are learning properly, if they aren't, they are the ones who get the slack for it. So two of the degree programmes very rarely communicate with me at all (The last email I received from one department was 2012...) but I deal with their students regularly, so its not to bad. Now, the programme who did make me feel welcome have been brilliant, have kept me very busy and I genuinely feel like part of the team. I've done some teaching for them, I see their students regularly and work with them almost daily, that was until they were told the degree programme they are running is not going to exist after next year. So now they have mostly stopped caring, stopped coming into university, mostly work from home and are, I imagine, mostly looking for alternative work. Queue me now coming into work at 8.30am every morning, sitting in my office and twiddling my thumbs for 8 hours until 5pm and hoping a student needs me at some point. Its exam period and we have no students in, so I have to try and pass 8 hours a day productively. 

I shouldn't moan at all, when I was teaching full time I was seriously stressed, making myself ill stressed, I cried most mornings and my relationship was in tatters, now I'm very relaxed, I can do what I want in the evenings, no planning, no weekend work, just get up, come to work, go home. Except I'm bored to tears and think my brain is dissolving a little bit more with every passing day I spend here. I'm not lazy, I love working in education, but when you're working with people who don't want you to be here, so don't include you in department decisions, I'm practically being paid to just fill an office and tick a box saying 'Yes, we have one of those'. Again, I shouldn't moan, I get paid a very decent wage, more than I did teaching, and without the stress, I can also work from home one day a week which is a godsend. I'm just.....bored. I'm never happy, right? It also means hospital appointments etc...aren't a problem as I can take holiday leave, and also work from home after procedures etc...so although I've applied for 5 teaching posts this past week, I might be shooting myself in the foot there? 

I don't know, I'm rambling now. Thats because I've been in my office for 4 hours already today, and haven't spoken to another human being yet.... seriously.

Well, on the plus side of life, its 13 days until our first IUI appointment. I'm so excited and terrified all at the same time. AF arrived right on time (for a change!) on my birthday (lovely of her!) so next AF should be May 29th. My appointment is on May13th, I'm seriously hoping I can fit in an appointment with the nurse for meds and injection lessons between the appointment and AF, as then I will be on my first IUI cycle. 

Cross your fingers and wish me luck!! Heres to lucky 25....

Gift

In case you are ovulating

Now close your eyes, and go for it.

If you weren't ovulating, you are now...

Lost?

Yesterday Resolve: The national Infertility Association placed a status on Facebook asking something along the lines of  "I know I'll beat infertility because...." and members/followers were invited to finish off the sentence. I read them.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of answers that gave GOD as the reason they know they'll beat infertility. So, what about those who don't believe in God? I would LOVE to have some sort of faith which makes me think everything will work out for the best, but I'm more inclined to go with science, which isn't in my favour.

So my question is, if I don't believe in God or any higher being, how do I keep going to 4 years+?