After a bad week of everything happening at once, our due date yesterday and having an appointment with both the FS and the gastro doc on Monday, I had a bit of a break down last night. To be honest I think I needed it a while ago, but have been happily living in my bubble.
Work has been so shitty lately, I actually feel worthless if that makes any sense? I share a corridor with 3 other people, all are seriously stuck up their own arses and make no attempt to speak to me what-so-ever. This week I have been at work, and as the students are on holiday, I have sat at my desk in absolute silence for 8 hours a day. My manager is not responding to emails about me needing time off, the staff I usually work with are now on summer holidays so are not on campus which means i am thumb twiddling, we have a huge leak in the bathroom ceiling that means the whole thing needs re-plastering, Martins grandads health is getting worse and worse and I'm not sure how long he realistically has left, Martin may be loosing his job before summer arrives, my best friend has started TTC (which is being kept a secret from me, but another friend let it slip, thanks...) so i'm awaiting that announcement, Martins cousins baby scans are all over Facebook, MIL is demanding Marting go here, there and everywhere, and I just need everything to stop. For just a moment.
I broke down last night after breaking a glass whilst washing the dishes. I think my depression is starting to sneak back in again, but I sincerely hope not. I took a sneaky day off work today to just try an sort my head out. If that meant crying for 2 hours straight then baking bread, so be it.
The real reason why I think i'm feeling like trapped in a bubble with the air slowly being sucked out, is I'm lonely, and scared, with nowhere to turn. For those that read my blog, please don't see this as a negative against you. I have gained best friends out of my IF, and I will class them as close friends for the forseable future and nothing will change that, but inevitably, as our paths all take different routes, we all start travelling in different directions. I'm sort of in the middle of a path, on my own, without a map or directions.
I'm terrified about IUI, loosing sleep at night terrified. I'm convinced it isn't going to work, I so don't want to put myself through that pain of seeing BFN after BFN after medication. Clomid failures almost killed me, now I'm putting myself through it again and I'm so scared I can't even put into words how I feel. I just cry. But at the same time, I completely understand how unbelievably lucky I am to have the opportunity to have IUI, so have no right what so ever to complain about going through it, I know this. But it doesn't stop me being petrified of what the next three months have in store, and the following months after that. Martin is ever the optimist and I am so sick of hearing "Well I'm hopeful" or "I think it will work" when in reality, the odds are not in our favour. I've spent most of today researching, and I came across a poll which showed that last month 43 woman went their IUI, ONE woman got a BFP. It's even more terrifying to read about all the miscarriages after IUIs - I can't go through that again.
I'm rambling here, and I apologies, but here is the only place I can ramble. I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either secretly TTC (I'd imagine soon to be ex, sadly) or too busy planning trips around the world, drinking events or parties to ask in passing how I am. Martins family haven't asked us one thing about LTTTC since we came out to them in June, NOT ONE THING. They all go on like its not happening and while I love my Dad to death, but he's not exactly the person I want to call and discuss follies with during medication and sadly I don't have my Mum.
I'm more scared about what I'm going to do when I get that first BFN (realistically this is the result, I like hope but not false hope) who is going to support me? Martin can't take time off work, I have no friends at work and my real life friends dont know or care enough to ask questions. So it will be me, alone in the house. There will be nothing, what so ever, stopping that depressiong from coming back and slapping me across the face.
Oh my lovely, if there was only something I could say to make things better. I can only say, I understand. I would never take any offence to your post. Having IF friends online is fabulous but it is different. You still feel alone and still cry alone, standing in the shower allowing your tears to mix with the water.
ReplyDeleteCry and let yourself cry hard. To say that you think your depression is coming back is ringing bells for me. Please take care of yourself. Might be worthwhile to ask your fertility clinic if they have a counsellor you could see.
And Dr.Google is evil...but that isn't going to stop anyone from continuing to ask him questions so I can't help you there. :)
xoxo
I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries by chiming in...but I couldn't leave the post without answering.
ReplyDeletePolls such as those, I would dispute their reputability. You'd really have to know the specifics about their infertility. Couples with a below average SA are likely to be successful with IUI versus a couple with a female factor. I know another infertile it took 4 IUIs to be successful and she has PCOS. It's understandable to be afraid, you don't want to go thru that possibility of a BFN and upside loops on the infertility roller coaster. Close your eyes and go thru with it. Hope for the very best outcome, but be prepared for the negative. It will still be upsetting and you'll need some time to yourself. Then when you're ready try again.
I've always said all along, give it what you got...if that's all you can give, then you're doing the very best you can. No one can tell you, you didn't give it your all. Because you really did. Plus there's no damn manual on ducking infertility! Xx
Thank you both for your comments. You're both absolutely right, I just need to get my head to follow what I know it should be doing.
ReplyDeleteJess we have a fertility counsellor available with our new clinic, I think it will be a service I use. I think so far you have all been my infertility therapists! Xx