Royal congratulations, indeed.

So, It was announced to the world less than 30 minutes ago and I can no longer count how many 'CONGRATULATIONS' related posts are all over my Facebook. Kate and William are having a baby. How lovely. I honestly wish them all the luck and health in the world, but from a selfish point of view, there goes the positivity of 2013.

It's bad enough seeing friends and family announce pregnancies, but a few days of ignoring Facebook and it's safe again. Not this. This will go on until the thing is born, and then when it's born there will be the royal announcement, the photo graphs, the banners, the fucking bone china commemorative plates. With this pregnancy there is no escaping it. So to say the bulk of our official fertility treatments will begin in 2013, having this go on along side should be fun.

I know, I'm a selfish moaning cow bag, but i'm having one of those weeks. Friday signalled a new member of the family being born and having to dodge the pictures, congratulations and comments flying around from every family member who has an internet presence,  then to just about get through the weekend for this to slap you in the face on a Monday just makes you want to stick the middle finger up at life. What have we actually dont wrong to you, huh??!!

I never realised how upsetting it can be to read comments from family member congratulate someone on the birth of their child when you know it should be you, you should be being congratulated, not sat on the other end of the laptop crying into another glass of wine and cursing the world.

Oh well, I now have another excuse to enjoy an alcoholic drink tonight after I get weighed for fat club. Through one of my support groups I was linked to a few of these images, for all my ladies (you know who you are) we might need thee words of encouragement over the next few months.

My personal favourite

*cough sneeze splutter*

I'm poorly, if you didn't guess from the title. So this gives me ample time to update this little ole blog of mine!

I am so bad at updating this thing, this time I have no proper excuse, just pure laziness. I apologies, to all of my imaginary readers who are, obviously, checking every single day for an update...

Sooooooo I'm in a better mood than I was the last time I posted. Last time I posted was a few days after our latest fertility specialist appointment and I was feeling down, we're now 5 weeks on and I think I am the happiest I've been for the past 3 years in regards to trying to have a family. I don't know why, I think it's because we're on a break so not actively TTC, but I just feel better about the whole thing. I have a smile on my face, I don't check my calendar every single day to see whats going on that day, I haven't bought ovulation or pregnancy tests for three months and we have sex when we want to have sex, FOR FUN! I'm loving it!!!

So what has happened to us over the past 5 weeks? Well we celebrated out first wedding anniversary, which was fabulous. I have to admit a few weeks leading up to our anniversary I felt like our marriage had failed because we were 1 year in, and still no child, I was starting to feel edgy about the whole thing, waiting for the questions about babies and family pressures, but on the day I got my present. It was quite big and I had no idea what it is (this is the first time Martin and I have managed to keep presents a secret...) so I opened it up, and this is what my husband had bought me

Along the bottom is STEPHANIE AND MARTIN 26.10.201!. He's right. He's completely, utterly and astoundingly right (don't tell him though). This now sits in a lovely frame in our hallway, so it's the first thing I see when I walk into the house, and the last thing I see at night as it's by our bedroom door. Since this day, I feel like I've fallen in love with him all over again...which makes me sick in my mouth a little bit. But he's my best friend, and sometimes when I cuddle him I can't get close enough.

Ok, now you've finished throwing up I'll carry on! What else....well I started dieting AGAIN! Argh!! Growing up I NEVER had a problem with my weight, I was always a size 6-8 skinny little thing, could at what I wanted, and completely took it for granted! When I left home for university I was still a skinny size 8 - until a life of alcohol and take away took over!! By the end of my first year of university I was a size 10-12...still not to bad I hear you say, but bad for me. Worse yet by the end of second year I had crept up to a size 14 and gone from 9 stone to 11 stone in two years!! But let me set the scene, during these two years I was drinking excessively around 3-4 nights a week, each of these evenings would be finished off by a take away. For breakfast I would eat cheese on toast from the university canteen with friends, and for lunch it was often a cheap package sandwich with something frozen and student friendly in the evenings. I don't think I knew what an apple was during these years, or a lettuce!

In my third year I joined weigh watchers. Weight Watchers was good, I counted points, I exercised, I went to bed at 8pm most nights because my stomach was eating itself with hunger, in 3 months I'd lost 2 stone and was back down to my svelte 9 stone! Hurrah! It was great, I remember going home to Sheffield after not seeing my parents for 2 months and them being amazed at how different I looked. It was brill, I went on beaches in bikinis and looked good! Then Martin happened...bless him.

We went out for meals a lot (as you do) we spent days in bed eating takeaways and watching films, we lived together, we had to save money, healthy eating went out of the window again, and guess what?! 3 years on I was back up to 11 stone again. Sob. Sooo dieting was in order. Plus loosing weight is never going to hurt with trying to have a baby. This time I didn't want to do Weight Watchers, I couldn't starve myself again, so my best friend Steph (she really is a different person, I've not got MPD) suggested Slimming World. So at the start of October off I popped to my meeting, got the instructions, and honestly didn't think it would work. I couldn't see how!! Heres the rules;

1. You can eat as much pasta, rice and potatoes as you want (Honest!)
2. You can eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want. 
3. You have an Healthy Extra A (milk or cheese) and a Healthy Extra B (bread, cereal, oil) every day, and you MUST eat them. 
4. You can have up to 15 syns a day to get you through. A ginger nut for example is 3.5syns, a Curly Wurly 6 syns... 
5. All of your meals must have 1/3 of the plate 'super free' food - which is just fruit or veg

So my daily food looks something like this ; 

Breakfast - Coffee with milk (HEA) and 2 wheat-a-bix with a banana on top 

Lunch - Jacket Potato with baked beans with a banana and apple. 

Dinner - Spaghetti Bolognese, Shepherds Pie, Lasagne, Rissotto (our current favourite) - all made from scratch with fresh ingredients, nothing out of a jar. 

And the result? well 10 weeks into my diet and I have lost 17pounds! Hurrah! Ok, so the weight loss is much less than it was on weigh watchers, but I'm not hungry, ever! I'm enjoying it! As of yesterday I had lost 10% of my body fat, and am back into 'healthy' BMI, and I still have another stone ish to loose, so my body is honestly the healthiest it's ever been whist TTC. Gotta help right? Martin has also been stuck doing the SW diet by default, as he eats what I eat, and he's also lost about 16lbs! We're both trimmer, both healthier and feel much better. In fact, last week for a treat, we had a naughty KFC after weight in and we honestly felt shit afterwards! Horrid! 

My stomach ulcers have calmed down immensely since dieting, which is great! So there is less of me than there was the last time I updated too, yay!! 

As for TTC - Martin did his second semen analysis a few weeks ago and I have had more CD2 bloods taken, now we just have to wait until our next appointment in January to discuss. I don't mind waiting, I'm enjoying the break too much. I'm hoping we'll have some answers in January, or at least know the next step (please please please IUI!)

Ohhh almost forget, AF was very naughty last month. I have had periods every month since I was 13. Thats 11 years worth of periods, or 132 cycles to be precise. In those 132 cycles I have ALWAYS been as regular as clockwork - I've maybe had 2 cycles when AF has arrived early, but NEVER had a cycle when she's arrived late. My only late period was the miscarriage, which doesn't count. So, imagine my surprise when on November 7th 2012, there is absolutely NO period in sight. Nothing. Not even a slight pain in my general female area. "hmmm odd" I think. There is ZERO chance I'm pregnant, in fact I'm so serious about the break, I have put a ban on all sexual activity around ovulation time, so I can relax and not have the niggle in the back of my mind. November 8th, 9th and 10th pass - still no period. I did do a pregnancy test "just incase", obviously negative! So I'm not 4 days late, and Martin is convinced I'm pregnant, despite me telling him otherwise. 11th, 12th, 13th and 14th of November also pass by period free, I'm now 8 days late and no idea why. Finally 10 DAYS LATE my period decides to arrive. God timing as it's the weekend so I can deal with the pain at home, and it means I can go and have CD2 bloods on the Monday, but still. WTH??! My first ever cycle which got into 40+ days...I'm hoping something shows up in my bloods to explain why?? 

Other news - We're skinter than a skint thing. Martin and I both work 30 miles away, in opposite directions. This means both of us travel 300 miles A WEEK and have to pay for this travel, Marts pays for petrol, I have to pay for a monthly train ticket. Train ticker costs £220 a month, petrol costs £150 then I have £50 on bus fares to get from the train station to work. If you do the maths you will see that that is a shit load of money that we're brining home and not seeing, £430 a month on travel. Our rent is only £525....so we need to move. Or get different jobs - it's kinda killing us financially living like this, we are earning good wages each month, but loosing over £100 a week on travel is killing us money wise and we end up with less money than friends and family who work in much lower paid positions (not being a snob at all, just stating facts!) to the point when we have to budget how much we can afford to spend on food a week! So thats fun...

So thats about it, I'm skinnier, I'm not trying to have a baby until 2013, work is going well, still waiting for my appointment with the cardiologist and FS in January, but was told you only get a letter a month before the appointment. 

One of my very good LTTTC friends has just gone through IVF. I'm so excited, worried, nervous and anxious for her. At this very moment in time I honestly think I would be happier if she gets her BFP than if I get my BFP (refer to my love of the TTC break) but at the same time I can't imagine how much she's going through. If you read this KK - I love you, and am there for you no matter what!!! 

Gosh that was long... 

xxx

2012 is NOT our year.

Hello,

It's been a while since I updated this little diary thing of mine. Life has been pretty hectic, work has gotten really busy since the students have got back, social life is now actually existing as we live closer to friends again and general life has just been keeping me happily floating along.

Few things to update really;

My support network is more of just a 'network' at the minute, and not quite how it used to be. However, I have gained two best friends out of it. Imagine having best friends you've never met. Odd eh? But having spoken to them both daily for around 6 months, I feel like I can talk to them about anything and everything, and honestly can't think of how I would cope without them. Please don't get me wrong, the other woman in the group are brilliant and offer lots of support which I am eternally grateful for, but they seem to go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to cheering me up. A lot can be said for a simple text every once in a while :)

One is just starting her first IVF cycle and I am so excited for her, genuinely. It's the hardest thing it the world sitting in TTC limbo and hearing about your friends moving on with treatments and making that one final step towards their baby when you're still so far away, but she has dealt with is fantastically and has never pushed the boundaries of information or made me feel uncomfortable, I'm fascinated by her journey and can't wait to find out more details, and love her for the fact that I know I can be as much or as little a part of her IVF as I feel comfortable with. Which must be difficult for her as it's such an exciting time, which just goes to show how much of a true star she is! I really hope this is the final hurdle for her and her OH.

The other is just an angel. One of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet, and always there with helpful advice or something funny to make you smile when you really need it. Herjourney, like all of ours, is different to mine, and I think that helps to have other journeys and points of view to look at. She and her husband just seem to be one of those couples you are so in love they make everyone around them feel a bit sick (like has been said about me and Marts...) in the nicest possible way. I'm so angry that infertility affects the nicest of people, who could offer a good and stable life to a child, yet woman who have nothing of stability, rely on the government for money, drink, smoke do drugs can have 3,4, 10 kids with no problems what so ever. What did we ever do so wrong to the world?

The long awaited FS appointment (Fertility Specialist)

October 15th was out first appointment with our new fertility specialist, and to say I was terrified would be an understatement. But actually we came out of it with mixed feelings, but definitely some positives.

When we first saw the doctor she asked the usual questions "How long have you been trying", "How often do you have sex", "tell me about your periods.." the usual privacy breaking questions, then she looked at our test results.

My day 3 and day 21 bloods that show all of my hormone levels and prove that I'm a normally functioning woman are missing. So she doesn't know what my FSH, LH, progesterone levels or anything are, which causes a bit of a problem when it comes to fertility treatments. Great.

She did have my progesterone levels for when I was one clomid which were 76!! That is amazingly high! A normal progesterone level post ovulation is around 12. So having a result of 76 shows one of two things 1)I ovulated about 3-4 eggs whilst on clomid, causing my levels to go through the roof or 2) I was pregnant. I'm sticking with number 1.

Martin is being sent to do another SA, which is fun! But hopefully, with Sheffield having one of the best fertility labs in the country, we'll get some more answers with that.

Finally the FS noticed in my notes that I was born with a pulmonary stenosis of the heart. This means my vavles don't close properly. Has not caused any problems before. However, it never occured to my old specialist to get this checked out before pumping me full of baby making drugs. This FS thinks that is very silly, and said "I don't want to spend all this time getting you pregnant, without knowing it is safe for you to be pregnant". So lucky for me I get to have an appointment with a cardiologist to have my ticker checked out. hurrah! However, ALL FERTILITY TREATMENTS ARE ON HOLD UNTIL AFTER THE CARDIOLOGISTS. The waiting time for a cardiology appointment is 3 months. So we can't do anything until 2013.

Great. We have waited since April to get this appointment, incompetent doctors and receptionists pushed us back months with the referral, and now we have to wait until NEXT YEAR to get some answers. So in 2012 we have had a total of 2 fertility specialist appointments. Just two. 4 failed rounds of clomid and one due date to get through, and now we are fastly approaching yet another Christmas without a child. Every single year at Christmas we've said "this time next year they'll be three of us" now I'm thinking they'll never be three of us.

Sigh.

Doom, gloom and nothing jolly.

OT

I've just seen that this little blog of ours, which we assumed nobody was reading, and was more of a diary for us to look back on when we do or do not have children, has almost 1000 views.

That is something I just can't really get my head around at the moment. If you do come over and read my rambling, feel free to leave a comment and say hello, would be nice to hear from others.

Steph

Failure

Hola,

Well after my surprise ovulation, I have to report that as of Friday this month was another official failure.

Officially on a TTC break until we've seen the FS, and maybe even for a few months after that. Physically can't do it anymore.

Steph x

Hello,

Scrap the last post. Had tummy pain yesterday, so decided to see what was going on. Did an OPK and this is what I got

Whayhey, I am indeed ovulating! Guessing from the pain I'm feeling at this very moment in time, I'm ovulating now :) Good job we managed some husband and wife time last night.

Operation baby briggs is back on, until September at least.

Love xxxx

Back to square one...

Hola,

Come estas?

I am back again, quite soon for me really looking at the dates. I'm getting better, or bored at work, either one you want to go for will work.

Martin and I are now officially on a TTC break until October 15th. Sob. Well actually no, not sob, a break from it all will do us good. But it's not our choice to have a break!

As you have read, as well as my infertility I like to suffer from a plethora of medical problems and keep doctors busy, so I also have my heart condition and stomach ulcers, as well as slightly arthritic joints. Yay for me!

Anyway, in the midst of my medical drama which I ranted on and on about in my last post, I had to go back to the GP for another problem, stomach ulcers. These things are actually ruining my life, I'm not even being dramatic. Imagine not being able to eat a single thing, or drink water, because everything that goes into your stomach causes agonising pain? But of corse, you can't not eat, so you have to eat small meals, knowing full well it's going to cause you a great deal of pain, and the only way to stop the pain is to throw up the food you've eaten to satisfy the hunger in the first place. Nice eh?

Well it had been a massive 49days since I had last eaten a full meal and kept it down, so I went back to the GP to beg them to give me some sort of drug to stop it (at this stage I just wanted them to cut me open and take it all out!) so the doctor talked to me about my colourful medical files, how was my heart, how was my TTC coming along, what stage was I at etc.... then prescribed me a tablet called domperidone.

Now domperidone was amazing. It worked. I ate a meal, no pain, not even a slight gurgle, I could go out and eat again and not worry about how I was going to throw up in a public toilet!! HURRAH!

3 weeks of domperidone and I had only had a few bad days, this also coincides with my clomid days, so I was like a walking pill box for a while. It was only after taking my last clomid tablet, that I decided to read just HOW domperidone works, this is what I stumbled across...

"...Domperidone increases levels of prolactin in the body, causing amenorrhoea due to lack of ovulation.."

So...I'm shoving clomid down my throat to ovulate some damn good eggs, then I shove domperidone down my throat which is doing everything in its power to stop the clomid doing what its supposed to be doing. So our very last shot of using clomid is now down the pan, and we were left with the difficult decision of 1) Do I stop taking the tablets, hope the clomid works and carry on TTC, but then have the stomach problems or 2) Carry on taking the tablets, hope they sort the stomach out, and take a break from TTC until our next FS appointment on October 15th.

We went with option 2. As Martin bluntly put it to me "with your stomach, are you in any fit state to be pregnant" Answer? No.

But on the bright side, now we can enjoy just being us again, and not have to worry about how fertile I am that particular day, and we also finally have a FS appointment to look forward to. Bring on IVF!

Steph