Monday, 25 March 2013

3 years? I should know better by now, shame on me!

I'm in a ranty mood today, I'm pissed at myself and also at the world.

AF has arrived this morning after I convinced myself that this month was going to work. Why would I do that? Because I thought the world might give me a break and as its the last natural month we had to conceive a child not in a hospital gown, the break might be a BFP. I needed a good slap as soon as that thought went through my head! I've played this game for 3 years now, I really should know better! But I'm just agitated today.

I'm angry at Martin for things that aren't his fault, I'm angry at friends for not dropping everything and coming to comfort me when AF arrived when I know full well they don't understand. In angry at the weather for snowing me in for the 4th consecutive day, I'm angry at my bedding for being dark purple and showing up all the bits of fluff we being in, in angry and the house for being cold despite having the heating on and I'm angry and IF for fucking up the lives of people who are so loving, so generous, so amazingly supportive and kind (I'm not including myself in that!) and handing our happiness on a plate to people who are vile and revolting human beings and letting us just sit back and be spectators to their happiness. This has happened on two seperate occasions within as many weeks and now I need to rant about it. I apologies in advance for all of you that happen to read this rant, it may be long.

One positive I have gleamed from suffering from IF us the woman that I've met who are also going through the same thing. I speak to then on a daily basis and they are always on hand to offer a supportive and non judgemental attitude. We all have happy and full relationships, we are surrounded by people we love and all have amazing partners, but no babies. Yet in the past two weeks I have heard news of two seperate people who are now pregnant who are black both inside and out.

I feel awful, as one is an old LTTTC friend who I did once class as a form of online support. This was before she turned into a nasty peice of work, spreading rumours and trying to turn friends against each other ultimately my first support group was destroyed because of her meddling. We have since found out that She was also a pretty good liar about a lot of things, including her diagnosis, her treatment and pretty much a large proportion of her life. she refularly claimed "...i have never had a bfp, ive never even had a miscarriage!" as if it was a good thing, some form of diagnosis and that "...atleast tou know you can get pregnant!" Guess what! She's now pregnant. How is that fair?

Second example is a member of extended family who I don't particularly like, when I say particularly I mean don't. I don't judge people based on looks in the slightest, yet she's morbidly obese and I have to admit I just her fertility on that. Just HOW? She has a young child already who members of the family largesly pay for, and once stayed she wanted to get pregnant as she would like to be on maternity leave from work again. Not to have a child, just so she didn't have to work. Let me ask a question again, how?! Knowing all that I know about fertility and making babies, how does someone who is so physically unhealthy make a baby? I was a little on the chubby side when we started TTC, the doctor suggested that it wouldn't hurt to loose a little weight, so I did. I lost 30lbs and am now perfect BMI but still can't get pregnant. This woman weighs at least 2.5 of me, can't walk up stairs without stopping for breath but can manufacture a child?! I need a doctor to explain this to me.

While these people are getting knocked up and going in with their lives, woman I care about are still having to go through the battle of IF with no light at the end of the tunnel. How is that fair? In what world is it more suitable for these people to have babies than for my friends who want for nothing more than to have a family. What purpose is there to us going through this, what are we supposed to gain from this apart from an inner anger that never quite goes away?

I'm short, I cannot understand or comprehend why things happen this way. I used to believe in karma, but from today karma can shove a stick up its arse and whistle. Where is the karma in these situations?!!

Oh, and to top it off my stomach pain and not eating is back.

For the rest if the day I will be holding into the next two points dearly;

Positives or not being pregnant;

1) alcohol. In every way shape and form.
2) being able to wallow in self pity, swear and throw things without having to worry about who will repeat my actions

2 comments:

  1. I apologies for the horrendous spelling and typing mistakes in that post, I was using my phone as the mac was out of battery and this is what happens!

    I particularly like the "I'm short" rant towards the end that should have read "IN short", although it wa strictly correct as I am short. Well it made me laugh anyway, which is a hard thing today!!

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  2. I think Karma might be getting paid off by the people who are more than deserving of, "getting their's". Well said, Briggs!

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