The appointment

I've just made it home after spending a good 90minutes with the fertility specialist at the hospital this morning. I feel...good.

We arrived 10 minutes before our appointment and this time for the go through the "assisted conception Unit' entrance rather than the usual gynaecology entrance. You can tell that they have fee paying patients at the clinic, as well as us funded patients. Instead of the NHS blue walls, floors and chairs with 3 year old magazines, broken water coolers and usually a very questionable smell, we had comfy, upholstered chairs, a waiting room with up to date copies of 'Vogue' and 'Elle', a free drinks machines and flowers, wallpaper etc...and one HUGE glass cabinet at one end of the waiting room, filled with pictures of babies and thank you cards people had sent in. (I did have to laugh at the number of twins...)

There was one other woman in the waiting room with us (who looked like she would rather be anywhere else in the world) and kept nipping to the toilet, she was then taken into a procedure room. Although I'm not sure what she was having done she looks very nervous. After around 30 mins the familiar face of our FS popped her head around the door and said "Stephanie, Martin, hello!" and although she sees hundreds of patients a week, and probably says the exact same thing to every couple, it makes you feel like you actually mean something to that doctor, rather than out old FS we never met.

So she explained we would be doing Stimulated IUI (SIUI), and every clinic uses different combinations of drugs, and at ours (Jessops Fertility, Sheffield) they use the exact same drugs as IVF, just in lower doses. She explains they did it this way as it if patients did have to have IVF in the future, they already had an idea how they would respond to the meds, and they had more success this way (makes sense).

The national average success rate for IUI is currentlt 14.5%, but thats for every couples in every different scenario, given our ages and healthy weights, life style etc...she thinks it will be around 20% for us, with success being more likely with concurrent IUIs (which I wasn't aware of) so we have more chance of being successful with our third than we do our first, which actually makes me feel better. Although I still doing believe we'll get a pregnancy out of this, my mind feels at ease.

I will begin [downregging] on CD2 with Suprecur (buserelin) if the scan shows my lining and everything seems to be doing great, I will take one Suprecur injection then go to have a blood test to see how I respond, from that they will know how much FSH I need to inject from CD3-10. CD10 I have another scan and bloods to check my ovaries and how they are responding, when I have one follie over 17mm I will be given my HCG trigger, and insemination will be 38hours after wards. If it looks like I am going to overstimulate, the cycle will be abandoned. They do, in some cases, perform egg reduction, where they use IVF techniques to remove excess eggs, only leaving the best ones in there, and then inseminate as usual.

We spent 45minutes going through paperwork, we had to sign to say we were fit parents, had no criminal records, no history of violence etc...then complete HFEA paperwork to say they could use our date for research, and that we agreed that our treatment could be used as examples on research papers, and they asked permission to be able to contact us, and any child born out or treatment, up until the childs 16th birthday. Obviously you can say no, but we ticked yes.

 We then got to the bloody annoying part. I have to be taught how to inject myself using the medications, and collect the medications, these 'consultations' only run on 3 days out of the month. The next 'nurse consultation' is on May 30th. My next AF is due May 29th. If AF does appear, and it is deemed CD1 on May 29th, I will not be able to start IUI this month. If AF is only spotting on 29th, and CD1 is 30th, we can do IUI this month. If AF is late, we can do IUI this month. If she shows up early or smack bang on time, it will be another 6 weeks before we can start. I think we should be OK to go this month in all honesty, but we'll see. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Now for the amazing news

Half way through the consultation, the FS starting flicking through paper work and looked puzzled, I then panicked and wondered what was going on. She then grabbed some documents, said "I just need to speak to our business manager, I'll be back" and left the room. 5 minutes later she returned with a smile on her face. Where we both live in a bit of a PCT nightmare, the village our GP is based in lies on three county boarders. We have a Sheffield address, Nottinghamshire telephone number and are classed as Rotherham Borough Council, so it often gets confusing, however our GP is classed as being in 'Rotherham' and not 'Sheffield'.  Anyway, apparently when we were first referred to the ACU at the hospital in Sheffield (are you following...) as there is no fertility centres anywhere else, we were wrongly assigned as Sheffield PCT. When the FS saw our address, she picked up on this and went to check if it was Sheffield PCT who were going to fund our fertility treatments, or was it Rotherham PCT as she suspected. This is then what we heard;

"Well, I have checked with our business manager who will be funding your treatment, and it is actully Rotherham PCT and not Sheffield PCT. Now this is very very good news for you, as their guidelines changed in April, and you are now entitled to two fully funded IVF cycles, where as Sheffield would only fund one. I'm so pleased for you!"

Two fully funded IVF cycles!!! Although for once we have benefitted from the post code lottery, it still disgusts me how unfair the process is. Luckily we are registered as the GP in my home village. Had we have registered with the GP in Martins home village, 3 miles down the road, we would be Sheffield PCT and lose a cycle of IVF. It's so so fucking ridiculous.

I'm not hopeful for IUI, the FS wasn't hopeful about IUI, she explained that its a process that patients go through and its a step we need to take to get to the 'hard treatment' and to see it as such. You would think that would be hard to hear, but it wasn't as such. I think the fact that she followed it up with the fact we are now able to have 2 IVFs has given me a whole new lease of hope. We were extremely grateful to be able to access one round of IVF, however it is often explained to me that IVF is where 'unexplained' becomes explained, and problems with eggs and sperm are recognised, but if you only have one shot, how do you fix it? Now with two, we have the chance to try and identify any problems, fix them, then try again.

Everything will change over the next 12 months, I just don't know which way yet.

Observation

Whenever I have an appointment with the assisted conception unit, I always make the effort to dress smartly. I don't know what my rational is behind it, I just feel uncomfortable rocking up in my jeans and converse. This thing of mine is completely ridiculous. Every time I'm in the waiting room I always see 'professional' looking couples, men in shirts and trousers and woman who look like they've walked straight from their CEO job and into the hospital. It's funny you never see the tracksuit wearing, thing on show, fag in mouth woman in there (they're all at home with their 4 kids). I wonder if these 'professional' couples all do exactly the same as me? I believe the reason I do it is because I look so young, and at 25 could easily pass for a fresh faced 20 year old, and for some reason I think people in the waiting room will judge me for this. Dressing in my smartest work wear will, in some way, help me to portray myself as some sort of mature adult who deserves to have a child. I also only have 'adult' conversation with Marts while in the waiting room, we discuss work, the house, food shopping, holidays etc... And leave the drunken tales from the weekend, playing our 'who can be the most inappropriate in a public place' game and silly name calling until we get safely back into the car. Like its some sort of competition, if the FS thinks I'm young and immature whereas there is a very serious and mature couple in the room next door, they'll get the good embryologist, they'll get all the care taken with the semen washes.

I always, obviously, look at every other couple in there and think "why are they here?".

Gulp!

After 6 months of waiting, today is finally the day. Appointment in 2 hours. So terrified. Anyone would think I was going in to give birth!!

Pull yourself together woman!!

Lonely

After a bad week of everything happening at once, our due date yesterday and having an appointment with both the FS and the gastro doc on Monday, I had a bit of a break down last night. To be honest I think I needed it a while ago, but have been happily living in my bubble.

Work has been so shitty lately, I actually feel worthless if that makes any sense? I share a corridor with 3 other people, all are seriously stuck up their own arses and make no attempt to speak to me what-so-ever. This week I have been at work, and as the students are on holiday, I have sat at my desk in absolute silence for 8 hours a day. My manager is not responding to emails about me needing time off, the staff I usually work with are now on summer holidays so are not on campus which means i am thumb twiddling, we have a huge leak in the bathroom ceiling that means the whole thing needs re-plastering, Martins grandads health is getting worse and worse and I'm not sure how long he realistically has left, Martin may be loosing his job before summer arrives, my best friend has started TTC (which is being kept a secret from me, but another friend let it slip, thanks...) so i'm awaiting that announcement, Martins cousins baby scans are all over Facebook, MIL is demanding Marting go here, there and everywhere, and I just need everything to stop. For just a moment.

I broke down last night after breaking a glass whilst washing the dishes. I think my depression is starting to sneak back in again, but I sincerely hope not. I took a sneaky day off work today to just try an sort my head out. If that meant crying for 2 hours straight then baking bread, so be it.

The real reason why I think i'm feeling like trapped in a bubble with the air slowly being sucked out, is I'm lonely, and scared, with nowhere to turn. For those that read my blog, please don't see this as a negative against you. I have gained best friends out of my IF, and I will class them as close friends for the forseable future and nothing will change that, but inevitably, as our paths all take different routes, we all start travelling in different directions. I'm sort of in the middle of a path, on my own, without a map or directions.

I'm terrified about IUI, loosing sleep at night terrified. I'm convinced it isn't going to work, I so don't want to put myself through that pain of seeing BFN after BFN after medication. Clomid failures almost killed me, now I'm putting myself through it again and I'm so scared I can't even put into words how I feel. I just cry. But at the same time, I completely understand how unbelievably lucky I am to have the opportunity to have IUI, so have no right what so ever to complain about going through it, I know this. But it doesn't stop me being petrified of what the next three months have in store, and the following months after that. Martin is ever the optimist and I am so sick of hearing "Well I'm hopeful" or "I think it will work" when in reality, the odds are not in our favour. I've spent most of today researching, and I came across a poll which showed that last month 43 woman went their IUI, ONE woman got a BFP. It's even more terrifying to read about all the miscarriages after IUIs - I can't go through that again.

I'm rambling here, and I apologies, but here is the only place I can ramble. I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either secretly TTC (I'd imagine soon to be ex, sadly) or too busy planning trips around the world, drinking events or parties to ask in passing how I am. Martins family haven't asked us one thing about LTTTC since we came out to them in June, NOT ONE THING. They all go on like its not happening and while I love my Dad to death, but he's not exactly the person I want to call and discuss follies with during medication and sadly I don't have my Mum.

I'm more scared about what I'm going to do when I get that first BFN (realistically this is the result, I like hope but not false hope) who is going to support me? Martin can't take time off work, I have no friends at work and my real life friends dont know or care enough to ask questions. So it will be me, alone in the house. There will be nothing, what so ever, stopping that depressiong from coming back and slapping me across the face.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday little one, I'm sorry we only met briefly and we didn't get the chance to know you. We still think of you constantly, and hope that one day in the future we'll get the chance to try again. We love you.

We should be having a party for you today, but if your anything like your dad no doubt you would have been awkward so today's date may have not meant a thing. But just so you know, mummy will celebrate by lighting a candle and having a drink. It may not be classy, it certainly isn't ideal but that's your Mum, and if you were a girl, you would be exactly the same.

Xxx

ARGH

Our last appointment with FS was January 4th 2013. Finally, in 6 days time we're having out first IUI consultation, so this time next week I will know if IUI will be this month or next.

After waiting for it to come for so long, now Im dreading the testing, symptom spottings and all the stress and tears that are about to be welcomed back into my life with a massive bang.

But then 5 minutes later Im unbelievably excited and wish the appointment was today so we can start planning.

Sort yourself out head.

Supportive my big fat bottom!

I belong to a Facebook community which is supposed to provide support for all women (and men) going through infertility. 

If I read one more comment on there along the lines of "If you can afford IVF, skip IUI" or "IUI was a waste of time" I'm going to start fucking shit up. 

What about those who don't have the option of skipping IUI? Or can't afford IVF? What you're pretty much saying to them is "Ha, the 3 months worth of treatment you're going to put yourself through is a huge waste of time, you won't get pregnant, and nothing good will come of it" 

Fuck you. 

When I was 5 I fell off my dads motorbike (while it was parked in the back garden) and badly cut my knee (got the scars to prove it!) I went to the hospital and first they tried gluing it, that didn't work, so I ended up with stitches. Using the same logic, I'm going to go and hang around the Accident and Emergency Department today wearing a huge sandwich board that reads 

"DON'T LET THEM USE GLUE ON ANY LACERATIONS, ITS SHIT. IT DOESN'T WORK. JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR STITCHES AND DON'T BE SO STUPID!"

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods.