But sometimes I can't be strong and I just let it win. I had an episode of that this morning.
I logged onto Facebook to receive a message from an old colleague of mine, she was a good friend and I have no bad feelings towards her. It started off as a generic message, "How are you, hope the moves going well etc..." Then there it was. The sentence that I now have the amazing ability to sense coming before I've even heard it. "I'm pregnant" (honestly, the past two family members who have gotten pregnant, I have bet my husband it will happen a good few weeks in advance! Shit magic power though...)
That sentence has the ability to change everything I'm currently feeling or thinking, and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I'm jealous, I'm angry and I'm not proud of it. Some of you will be reading this in horror, or what selfish monster I've becomes, those of you with IF will be reading this and nodding your head with everything I'm saying.
I've come to terms with the fact that I will never get a happy surprise, Im never going to become a mum without expecting it. I'm never going to get the chance to surprise my husband with the news he's going to be a Dad (well I suppose we would both be surprised if it ever happened). I'm never going to conceive my child in my own bed. My child will be conceived in a hospital, without any intimate contact from my husband what so ever. No romance, no cuddles or excitement afterwards, just hospital gowns, needles, doctors and stirrups. I've come to terms with that, I don't care. I just want a child, I don't care how. But I will never come to terms with hearing that sentence from many may people while we're trying so hard to achieve the same thing.
It's almost impossible to hold back the tears now. Me and my husband usually leave as soon as possible and go home and cry. We're both angry. We're both envious and nothing will take that feeling away.
The upside of it, is I truly believe I will be a better Mum because of it. We've had more than enough time to think about if this is what we want. I already know what kind of Mum I want to be, I already know the names of my children and why their nursery will look like. If they ever arrive, I will know to cherish every single moment I have with them, because we longed and tried so hard to make them exist. This is what makes me so angry when I hear or see people moaning about their children. You don't know how lucky you are.
So every time my period arrives, every time I hear that sentence, I develop a new tiny tear in my heart. Its my job then to put it back together with try little stitches and keep going. Anyone who had dealt with this for years is a very strong person, feel free to disagree with me, but you're wrong. We pick up the pieces every month and carry on with life, we suffer the loss of something we love and want so much every month, but carry on. Not many people can say that. So in my heart are 27 little tears, for every month we've failed and every baby that has been born around us, and right in the middle is a big gaping hole for the baby that we lost before we even got the chance to meet.
No comments:
Post a Comment