Aloha,
So, on my website today (babyandbump) where I have met a lot of friends who are battling infertility (yes, even though we've never met face to face, I can talk to them more candidly and openly about infertility than I can my real life friends, so to me they are friends) somebody very brave told us we didn't have the right to be bitter about infertility and we should be "bigger people" and be happy for woman. Well, maybe it's my hangover, or the fact that AF is in full swing (google it) or that my Clomid has kicked in, but I felt like actually SCREAMING at the computer screen, but reading the replies from other woman, woman I class as friends, I realised something, I might be infertile, and I hate it with every ounce of my being, but there is some good to come out of it. Some people are genuinely amazing people.
Martin - My dearest husband, my fantastically supportive and patient husband who I could not do this without (obviously, durr!) For us there is a certain point in every month that is the hardest part of the month, and it can only get better from there, but no matter how much I scream and shout and cry and cry he's always there, sometimes as a counsellor, sometimes as a punchbag, but always there. He would be a fantastic father, there is no doubt about that, and sometimes the hardest part of this infertility malarky is the fact that him being a father hasn't happened yet. With this whole thing being a massive secret for a long time, Martin was the only person who truly understood what it felt like to grieve every month, and have to pick yourself back up and get on with it, fake a smile and act like everything was good when inside you felt like curling up in a ball and bawling. Even though we are battling infertility, I have realised that I still have to be grateful for my brilliant husband. Yes, we don't have a child yet, but there are people out there that do have children, but don't have someone like Martin beside them helping them, don't have a happy relationship, and don't have somebody to look after them and their babies, so even though we're not yet 'mummy and daddy' I am honestly married to my best friend, who I have been in love with since the moment I met, and I suppose it would just be too perfect if we had that, and a baby without any problems eh?
Other infertile woman - Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family to death, they mean the absolute world to me. I have two best friends in particular who I couldn't live without, and they know who they are. I mean this in the best possible way, but unless you too, are suffering from infertility, you don't have the faintest idea what its like. I really don't mean that in a horrible or belittling way, it's a bit dramatic but it's like being in a wheelchair, you have no idea whats its like unless you're also in a wheelchair. Anyway, enough with my mental rambling, other infertile woman and truly an inspiration. We have only been dealing with this disease (yes its a disease) for 2 years, but some of the friends I have met have been dealing with this for 5, 10 or even 15 years and are still hopeful and still positive and keep going. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to deal with this for that long, and sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud belonging to an infertility group after 2 years with all of these lovely woman on there, but I'm glad they're there. After all the pain and disappointment they have suffered, they are still so supportive of every other woman who is going through that journey, and even though I'm only a novice compared to them, they take the time to cheer me up, ask how I'm doing, give advice and just listen when I need to speak to somebody who knows. When I see woman who pop out 4 or 5 babies, all to different dads, chain smoking and spending their dole money on cheap cider and pot noodles (I do live in kiveton after all) I just think how much of an injustice is being done, when they can get pregnant and have a family, but the amazing woman I have met through being infertile can't. Just a side note, but also, don't piss these woman off. The woman who said we were all bitter and needed to be bigger people earlier soon got told where she could shove it, in the most eloquent way possible of course!
So really, even though what we're going through is shitty and it hurts everyday, there has to be a silver lining, and the woman I have met, and my amazing husband are mine.
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