11dpo

....and AF arrives.

Fuck this.

I KNEW I shouldn't start doing OPKs again. We had tons of sex around ov, I mean tons. All bases covered. Of course I was stupid enough to convince myself I was in with a chance. Fuck this.

I shouldn't have to do this.

Back into my hole. Ignoring the world and everything in it.

Morning

I'm still alive and kicking, just having a very quiet couple of weeks.

I'm sure people can understand why i'm still so very down at the moment, and thanks to all of you who have sent me messages just to say hello.

Spending some much needed time with my greatest achievement (Martin, not my 1 mile swimming badge) and planning the next few months.

I'm still reading all of your blogs, keep em coming!

Food poisoning

Is not fun.

Poor Martin having a way worse time with it than me.

On the plus we got to spend the day in bed watching Game of Thrones.

A break anytime soon would be nice, please?

Decided to give the hospital a call this morning to chase up my surgery date, it can't hurt can it?

Remember I was told last week that it would be 8-10 weeks for surgery, which would take me to around November, which sucks as our lives are on hold until then, but it wasnt too bad as we had the holiday and anniversary to look forward to in the mean time.

Well, I was just informed this morning that "It will be a while yet, closer to 18 weeks" as since last week I was down-graded to 'Non-emergency'.

Non-Emergency?! I was admitted and spent 3 days on a shitty hospital ward hooked up to a drip under going test after test and have a severely diseased organ in me which doesn't work, and have been told an attack WILL happen again, but they don't know when, and I'm fine to leave for 18 weeks? What do I need to do, to have it done sooner?

18 weeks

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

18 Weeks takes us up to the end of December. Can you imagine having surgery around Christmas, not to mention we were planning on starting IVF in the New Year.


That isn't going to happen

Edit: A good friend of mine suggested I call the IVF Clinic to discuss it with them, which was very sensible advice. (Thank you)

So I called Assisted Conception Unit to ask them what the hell to do. We were originally assured we would have surgery in the next 3-4 weeks, so a follow up appointment was made for September 5th with our FS. This was then pushed back, by the clinic, to October 7th due to a double booking. Normally this would have pushed me over the edge, but given the wait for surgery had gone up to 8-10 weeks that morning it wasn't too bad.

I called to inform that I had now just been told it would be closer to 18 weeks as they've now deemed me a 'non emergency' and how to move forward.

It never occurred to me about funding for treatment before all of this.

The receptionist explained that when you get the go ahead for funding, it is only valid for 18 weeks. As we won't be having treatment in this time we would need to meet with the finance manager of the clinic, and the doctor, to discuss our "future at the clinic, and any possible treatments" She said she thinks we can just re-apply for funding, but with the recent changes she can't give any definite answers either way.

They're both on holiday until 27th August, so I can't speak to them for 2 weeks to make an appointment.

So now we have the long wait for a cholesestectomy, and and even longer wait to find out if we can even re-apply for funding for IVF.

Before ANYONE says that we'll be fine, I agree, the chances are we will be fine and it will be simple paper work and reapplying for funding. The sensible side of me knows this and agrees.

But the woman whose spent 3+ years in hell, lost a baby, lost almost 2 years of her life to a 'mystery illness' that was mis-diagnosed for 24 months, was so excited to begin IVF and a new chapter then have it taken away, to now be told there is a minute chance we will now have funding for IVF taken away from us, with my future as a Mum is absolute jeopardy all at the age of 25, when I should be in the prime of my life.

This lady is asking you to put yourself in her position, with even the smallest of chances that they could say no, even the smallest, and then wait x-number of weeks for an answer, and see how you would feel.

Expelleth thy spawn! ©

Some of you may, or may not, remember a "friend" of mine, one who I used to be really close to and discuss IF with openly and regularly, getting pregnant. I never ever held this against her, and her pregnancy is not the reason why I refuse to give her the time of day - The 12 week scan picture on my news feed, completely and utterly out of the blue, followed by her message, after me congratulating her, stating "oh, sorry I didn't tell you, I knew there was something I was meant to do. Pregnancy brain. Lol!"...is the reason I won't make time for her anymore. Harsh, maybe. But there are too many bullshit 'friends' around and not enough time or space in my life for them. I have a very tough one strike and your out policy.

Martin and I, understandably, have had a few baby names picked out for the past 40+ months. Many of them change, but we've had 2 boys names that we have loved since day one, since before we even started TTC. So imagine my utter joy when I am informed this morning that aforementioned "friend" has given birth, on our supposed IVF test date, and has given him one of the names we loved so dearly. She was one of the only people who knew of 'our names'.

Yes, I know that there are millions of babies and people in the world with this name, but that isn't the point.

If anyone crosses me over the next few days, they will be feeling my wrath.

Today should have been so different

Had the past few weeks gone to plan, it would be official testing day after for IVF today. It would either be the best day of my life, or one I want to forget.

Instead I spent the evening at a food and drink festival with friends eating goat curry, ostrich burgers, Chinese, pizza and fudge and drinking copious amounts of cider.

How different today could be. Now this day is on hold for the next 6 months.

Reasons to not have kids.

Its no secret I'm having a tough time at the minute. I am. I am in a constant grey cloud and cant seem to shake myself out of it. I don't like feeling like this, believe me, If i could slap a smile on my face and my mood would follow it would be simple. I think it's the realisation that we've lost another whole year to infertility, and will be spending another Christmas as a lonesome twosome...

Having said that, 2013 is an extremely odd year. It was never meant to be. IVF was also in July, which is a number 7. All arrows point to odd. 

So, in trying to put a smile on my face, a forced one maybe, I am creating a list as to why it would be good for us not to have kids, if I read it enough times, maybe I'll start to believe it?? (NB. To my pregnant friends, if this list makes you feel like you must sign your unborn child over to be immediately, email me for my details...)

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to remain as just Mr and Mrs Briggs

1. They cost a lot of money. I like having money, I like going for meals and buying that dress I've had my eye on without having to spend my hard earned wages on nappies and other baby related items..

2. I love my husband, what about it I love him too much to share? 

3. My cats would get very jealous of a baby. If we ever have one I will have to live in constant fear that they will lay on it and smother it, or that Colin will claw them to death in a vain attempt to get to the warmest part of the cot. 

4. I like my tidy house. It smells of nice things like vanilla and Chantilly cream, and not baby poo and sudocream. 

5. I like travelling. I like going to different countries and seeing the sights and I like laying on a hot exotic beach with an alcoholic beverage and not having a care in the world. 

6. My boobs are great. They are one of the favourite parts of my body, they're pert, smooth and a nice rounded 34DD. If I have a baby they will hang off these boobs and they may change shape forever?

7. I love sleep.

8. If we don't have babies we will be that couple that friends come to visit every once in a blue moon with the immaculate house, with walls adorned with photos of our latest holiday to Thailand, Goa or the Maldives and I will sip on my expensive white wine out of my crystal wine glass, gently stroke a crease out of my perfect, white, crisp blouse and wrap a strand of professionally cut and dyed hair around my ear. 

9. I generally don't like other peoples children. I know right, no wonder I am infertile, I deserve it, how dare I! There are three children in this world who I adore, non of which I am related to, but all of the others I have encountered annoy me. They are bratty and scream and cry when they trip over objects with their clumsy feet. They are usually covered in snot and have food in their hair, and require feeding at regular intervals and make noise all the time. 

10. I cant stand picky eaters, just what is the point? The world, and everything in it is here for you to experience, but you refuse to eat anything but plain chips, the occasional mushy pea and chicken nuggets. Bore off. Children are the ultimate in picky-eaters. I like my mexican, thai, spanish, indian, african cuisine...I will put anything in my mouth at least once. Do I want to trade that in for cutting up fish fingers and making 18 million different meals every dinner time? 

11. If I have children, I will have to socialise with other mums. As I rule I dislike more people, but shove a pompous know it all mother in there (You know the one who is ALWAYS hanging around the plaground in her organic clothes, waiting to collect Tarquin from his violin lesson) and I might explode. 

12. My vagina, as far as I am aware, is quite nice. I have good strong muscles down there, I am often complemented on this when I am meeting with dildo cam (serious). If I squeeze something out of there all of the nice-ness might go away.

13. Alcohol. 

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to have children 

1. I would be a great Mum. 

2. Martin would be a great Dad. 

3. A child is missing out by not having us as parents. 

4. I dont actually believe the aforementioned 12 points...