Reasons to not have kids.

Its no secret I'm having a tough time at the minute. I am. I am in a constant grey cloud and cant seem to shake myself out of it. I don't like feeling like this, believe me, If i could slap a smile on my face and my mood would follow it would be simple. I think it's the realisation that we've lost another whole year to infertility, and will be spending another Christmas as a lonesome twosome...

Having said that, 2013 is an extremely odd year. It was never meant to be. IVF was also in July, which is a number 7. All arrows point to odd. 

So, in trying to put a smile on my face, a forced one maybe, I am creating a list as to why it would be good for us not to have kids, if I read it enough times, maybe I'll start to believe it?? (NB. To my pregnant friends, if this list makes you feel like you must sign your unborn child over to be immediately, email me for my details...)

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to remain as just Mr and Mrs Briggs

1. They cost a lot of money. I like having money, I like going for meals and buying that dress I've had my eye on without having to spend my hard earned wages on nappies and other baby related items..

2. I love my husband, what about it I love him too much to share? 

3. My cats would get very jealous of a baby. If we ever have one I will have to live in constant fear that they will lay on it and smother it, or that Colin will claw them to death in a vain attempt to get to the warmest part of the cot. 

4. I like my tidy house. It smells of nice things like vanilla and Chantilly cream, and not baby poo and sudocream. 

5. I like travelling. I like going to different countries and seeing the sights and I like laying on a hot exotic beach with an alcoholic beverage and not having a care in the world. 

6. My boobs are great. They are one of the favourite parts of my body, they're pert, smooth and a nice rounded 34DD. If I have a baby they will hang off these boobs and they may change shape forever?

7. I love sleep.

8. If we don't have babies we will be that couple that friends come to visit every once in a blue moon with the immaculate house, with walls adorned with photos of our latest holiday to Thailand, Goa or the Maldives and I will sip on my expensive white wine out of my crystal wine glass, gently stroke a crease out of my perfect, white, crisp blouse and wrap a strand of professionally cut and dyed hair around my ear. 

9. I generally don't like other peoples children. I know right, no wonder I am infertile, I deserve it, how dare I! There are three children in this world who I adore, non of which I am related to, but all of the others I have encountered annoy me. They are bratty and scream and cry when they trip over objects with their clumsy feet. They are usually covered in snot and have food in their hair, and require feeding at regular intervals and make noise all the time. 

10. I cant stand picky eaters, just what is the point? The world, and everything in it is here for you to experience, but you refuse to eat anything but plain chips, the occasional mushy pea and chicken nuggets. Bore off. Children are the ultimate in picky-eaters. I like my mexican, thai, spanish, indian, african cuisine...I will put anything in my mouth at least once. Do I want to trade that in for cutting up fish fingers and making 18 million different meals every dinner time? 

11. If I have children, I will have to socialise with other mums. As I rule I dislike more people, but shove a pompous know it all mother in there (You know the one who is ALWAYS hanging around the plaground in her organic clothes, waiting to collect Tarquin from his violin lesson) and I might explode. 

12. My vagina, as far as I am aware, is quite nice. I have good strong muscles down there, I am often complemented on this when I am meeting with dildo cam (serious). If I squeeze something out of there all of the nice-ness might go away.

13. Alcohol. 

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to have children 

1. I would be a great Mum. 

2. Martin would be a great Dad. 

3. A child is missing out by not having us as parents. 

4. I dont actually believe the aforementioned 12 points...