Surrounded by people, but more alone than ever.

Ok, so I'm having a bad day. In fact to be brutally honest I'm having a bad year, 2013 is shit. Nothing good has come of this year for us, it's been stress, hospital fuck ups, health problem after health problem, death of loved ones and everything in the past few weeks has just been the nail in the coffin.  Whilst sitting in the car after more bad news from the hospital this morning, I drove around for 20 minutes extra just to think and try to change my mood. You know what I realised in those 20minutes? It's not just the situation itself that is upsetting me, it's my friends.

This morning I had my pre-surgery assessment at the hospital, where I was told that new protocol meant I couldn't fly for 6 weeks after surgery. We are due to fly to Tunisia in 9 weeks, therefore I was informed I couldn't have surgery until November at the earliest. The IVF clinic want me to have 4-6 weeks of recovery time before starting a new cycle. Goodbye to any treatment in 2013. That's another year older, another wedding anniversary, another Christmas in the same old fucking situation of not know whether we'll ever be parents or not. But despite hearing that news, what finally dawned on me is that although I have all of my friends around me, there was only one who I felt comfortable texting and only one I knew would actually talk to me and let me rant and rave and listen. Non of the others I can text, because I worry that I will make them feel uncomfortable.

This post isn't aimed at anyone, at all. It isn't intended to be a dig at anyone who reads it, real life friends or online support, it's just me trying to explain things.

Our infertility has always made people around us feel awkward, people around us ignored it and hoped it would go away. Would brush it under the carpet and keep us at arms length, then we wouldn't discuss things that made them feel uncomfortable.

When IVF started things got worse, our treatment now made people uncomfortable, they didn't know what it was so didn't want to talk about it, or didn't want to know what was going on because again, it might make them feel uncomfortable.

We had to abandon our IVF cycle. After momths of waiting and waiting we finally saw an end. we started even thinkinh about names, working out dates, looking at baby clothes and then BAM...sorry wait another 6 months. Yes, on the outside this isn't the end of the world, this isn't the be all and end all, we can go back to it next year, but we have waited for 3+ years to become parents, we have never been given an explanation as to why we arent parents, we just get told how amazigly fertile we are and how funny it is that we cant conceive. We have lost a baby and 2 years later still have nothing. We have no fucking diagnosis as to why we are putting ourselves through hell month after month. We deserve this, im not saying other people dont deserve all kinds of medical assisstance with any problem whether its infertility, mental health, cosmetic problems or a variety of other medical conditions, but it isnt our fault that this is the path we ate anle to go down. So why are we made to feel bad about treatment? Most shocking thing to come out of this is now that our IVF has been cancelled people are texting again, people are ringing again, people are sending Facebook messages again...all because now our lives don't make them feel awkward.

I am so angry, so depressed, so upset at our journey and how it's turned out, but I'm not allowed to talk about that?! People spent so long avoiding me while doing IVF, but they think its OK to 'go back to normal' once it's been abandoned. Is that what they would have done had the treatment failed? Pretended it never happened and expected me to go back to being me and being the same old Steph, but offer NO support?

Yes,  I am the first to admit that I'm not always the best person to respond to texts or messages. It's not malicious, I genuinely forget or am so busy at work I don't have time straight away. But I ALWAYS try to offer as much support as I possibly can, no matter how difficult. This isn't just pregnancy support, this is support for LIFE! I send texts and messages at 3-4am in the morning when relationship problems are happening, I spend my lunch break at work writing emails and messages to friends who are going through family issues or finance problems. I send congratulations and ask questions and talk openly with pregnant friends, weather these are LTTTC friends or real life friends, even though it rips me apart completely.

I pretend my infertility doesn't exist when friends invite me round for "food and alcohol" because they need cheering up, despite the fact I can't drink alcohol or eat take always because of upcoming treatments. I'm still there. But we are going through the hardest thing we have ever done and we get very little in return.

I have received multiple messages since coming out of hospital that resemble this;

"Sorry you've been ill. How are you?"

"I'm ok, getting there. Need surgery to remove gallbladder but hopefully no more problems after this. We have had to cancel IVF though, no more treatment until 2014 :("

"Oh, that's a shame. So me and _______ have split up. When are you free for drinks" / "I'm sorry, that sucks! I'm going shopping Saturday, want to come?" Or even "well it wasnt meant to be this time round. At least now you can drink on holiday!"

So disappointed with the amount of people who left me with no-one when going through IVF, no-one but Martin to cry to, made me feel bad for feeling bad, but revert back to wanting my support as soon as I'm 'back' to normal.

I'm sorry, but this morning has made me realise that this journey is not going to ever be easy with these people in it. If you expect support from me, I need it in return. It's as simple as that.

Until I calm down and do feel better by spending time with my constant source of support, Martin, I will be on radio silence from the Internet.