2014 vs 2013

In order for 2014 to be different, and for things to improve, not just materialistic things like job, financial stability etc...but my actual mental health, other things need to change. One of these things being the people I allow to be in my life and the people, who so far, I have allowed to affect the way I feel about myself, and have been upset, cried and often taken personal hits and days to recover from simple comments of conversations, simply because I have a tendency to not want to upset people by coming out and saying "you know what, what you've said to me/done to me/implied is actually quite a shitty thing to do. This is my reason why, and I'm rather upset by it"

I just don't. Maybe it's because I'm British?! I will discuss with close friends and Martin things that have upset me, but I like my apple cart to remain straight and standing with all contents still inside. The past 2-3 months of depression has taught me that in order for 2014 to get better, I need to stop this. So I will, and I will be making changes where needed.

This is a post NOT aimed at certain individuals, before I start received messages from people, in fact some of the people that I regularly balance the apple cart with have no knowledge of this blogs existence. It's my blog, it helps me, and isn't written for anyone else benefit.

I'm 25, I have a very happy and successful marriage, I've got 2 degrees, I've worked hard to get into a professional industry for employment and as far as I'm concerned, at 25 with nearing 4 years infertility under my belt, one miscarriage and the past years mishaps, I'm doing OK. I try my hardest, and always have, to be as supportive and present in my friends lives as I possibly can. When my IVF was cancelled I was absolutely destroyed, mentally and physically, but still made sure I was there mere days later to be with friends who had arranged an event, put on my best brave face, was 'happy' 'chatty' and everything that was needed from me.

Over the past 2 months my mental health has been the worst it ever has, but I've always tried my hardest to keep up with friends, attend get togethers, weekend parties, text and be enthusiastic about new jobs, new homes, relationship problems, medical problems, offer my advice, assistance and a shoulder to cry on, when at home I am crying for hours a day, often thinking thoughts I'm not proud of, and getting professional help for my own psychological well being, and often not receiving the same in return. That's perfectly s fine, i don't act in a particular way just so I can be offered the same back, I never have.

But after a particular 'episode' recently I decided enough was enough. I can't do it. I can't try my hardest to be 'there' and offer support to the best that I am able to, and still be made to feel terrible and still be sat crying about comments that are made, texts I receive, voicemails I get. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who aren't worth the tears.

I've tried my best to do what I can, many say I'm wise beyond my years. I often feel I am. At 25 I think I'm not doing 'too bad'  but think people forget that.

I've already had a very tough conversation with some people, and more are to come.  I need to look after me and my family and my possible family unit, and if people make me feel bad after trying my best, then they will be deleted from the equation,

What's that saying, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem? That's the one :)

After the last few days, boy am I glad to be seeing my counsellor on a few hours to unload! I need lots of tissues and then I will return home and knit.

Edit: In other news I have dyed my hair a nice shade of orange-red and changed energy suppliers, that's a good start to a new year, right?