Now it haunts my dreams?!

It's been a while since I had a nightmare (if that's what you would call this) but I woke up from one this morning.

It was the 10 days of injections leading up to egg collection for IVF, and I had been doing my injections, having bloods taken etc...and arrived at the clinic for my final scan to see how many we had. After waiting for a while I received a text saying "sorry, you're treatment cycle for the month of February has been cancelled. Please call at reception to re-arrange". I ran to reception and one of the ladies told me it was cancelled because I arrived at 8.32 and not 8.30 so they would treat me. I was then handed a peice of paper that said we had 17 eggs and 2 embryos (good logic there dream Steph?!) and they would be put in the bin and as this was my second cancelled cycle we were now not eligible for treatment.

The rest of my dream was that awful feeling of trying to do something but you can't, you know? Usually in these situations I'm running and keep falling over, well in this instance I was flicking throughy my clinic contacts to find my doctors number, but when I did I couldn't read it, like I was badly drunk.

I feel a bit out of it now. Maybe the IVF process IS playing on my mind more than I thought?

So ready for 2014 - I've already mentioned that if two IVF cycles fail that's it for us, we're stopping TTC completely and moving onto travel and adoption. We have to set a point, with unexplained we could be doing this for  the next 15 years and still never have a child or know why. We need to protect our mental health,. So by June 2014 we'll know what route out lives are going to take a little more.

My first week of work went really well, but so much to learn. I have 3 assisstants who are all much older than me and I feel really weird about it. They're all so nice though I can't complain. I'm not sure what my mental well being status is currently, still working on it. Christmas is always tough for a variety of reasons, so the next month will allow me to see if any of my treatment methods are working.

My counsellor has given me this mantra I have to say, read and believe,

"If I have children my life  will be able to take the path I had planned, but if I don't that's still OK. Life has more than one path,"

I  can read it and say it, believing it is another matter!