Friends?

You know what's really important to me while I've been going through this shower of shite I like to call IF? Friends.

My friends are mostly understanding. They ask the right questions, they let me vent. They give me hugs when AF arrives, we get drunk together. They admit they don't understand and they can't imagine what we're going through, but having them there to rant to makes all the difference. I don't need or want them to understand, I just need them to be there. I love them all dearly for that.

So imagine my shock and surprise to find that one of my closest friends, one of my best friends in the whole world who knows full well what we're going through, who I talk to weekly if not daily, who I cry down the phone to, who cried with me when we had the m/c, decided to upload her 12week scan photo onto Facebook this morning. No text. No email. No Skype call. No PM. No nothing to let me know. We have spoke 3 time in the past week. She hasn't mentioned a thing.

These friends, I don't need.

Slacking!

So I was so busy with work yesterday that I forgot to upload my photographs - To be quite frank I'm suprised the world managed to continue without my pictures...

Photo number 6 - The Sky 

I'm really disappointed that I missed this one! We leave home at around 6.45am so it's just getting to the time of year when that coincides with the sunrise, there was such a pretty sky this morning driving to work and I missed the opportunity! Instead you get to see a photo of the sky outside my office window! How exciting!

Photo number 7 - My hands

Or hand as the case may be. It's quite difficult to take a photograph of both hands! I've never been self conscious of my hands until I had to take a photograph of one of them. I need some cuticle cream and nail polish stat!! I can never polish my nails, I have an annoying habit of chipping away at the polish as soon as its been painted on so I give up. Although you can see my beautiful engagement ring on here. Its not a sparkly diamond (Not for me) but it is a 112 year old antique gold, sapphire and diamond ring which I adore. It doesn't march my wedding ring as I didn't want a gold ring, simple. Not conventional, but I love them. 

Steph x 

"A womens perfume tells more about her than her handwriting"

Thats probably a good job, because as the years go on, my handwriting gets gradually less and less legible and more scrawly.

When I was younger I took great pride in my handwriting. As a teacher the pride in my handwriting was gradually overtaken by my love of getting comments written quickly and forms filled quickly, it has therefore become the scrawled mess you see above.

In other (related) news, my favorite childhood band are back. Yes yes I know I should be a grown up by now but music is my entire life. Honestly. 

I am 100% positive I would rather loose my sight than my hearing because I couldn't cope without hearing music, it starts the minute I wake up and my CD player plays as my alarm, until I leave the house, then it's my iPod until I get into work, iTunes while I'm at work, and CDs when I get home. I think gigs are the only think I may have spent more money on in my life than fertility treatments. 

I love music, it is my world, it's in everything I do. Every single one of my tattoos is something musically inspired and I have quite an eclectic taste. Everything from Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, Guns and Roses and Led Zeppelin to my teenage nu metal bands of Limb Bizkit, Linkin Park, Black Stone Cherry etc.... OK it's not everyones taste in music but its mine. One thing I can't stand it lack of acceptance to other peoples musical preferences. I like rock, metal, nu metal, country rock, stoner rock etc... and enjoy some commercial stuff. I do not judge anyone who likes dance, country, pop, hip hop, R&B or any other genre, ears like what they like. 

When I was 14 (argh, 14!) I bought an album on the recommendation of a friend called Take This to Your Grave, it was a very teenage esque guitar riffs and drum beats angst ridden CD that I feel in love with immediately. I have loved it ever since (It got me through some of my worst breakups!) My little sister is 7 years younger than me, and we shared a bedroom growing up. She had to put up with me playing this on constant repeat for days if not months, so naturally grew up with the same taste in music as me. 

We bonded over this group, I took her to her first gig to see this band, we've jumped up and down with excitment about this band and spent hours on the phone taking about their music, the gigs and recent news. It might sound sad to people reading this that we developed such a strong bond over Fall Out Boy, but to be frank I couldn't give less of a shit. My family is no longer a family, we were split down the middle around 4 years ago  due to an issues im not even going to begin to go into, yeas of not speaking, angry exchanges, tears, arguments, ruined birthdays and christmases have now gone out of the window because of something as simple as music. 

Due to this band, this silly little music group some of you may think, me and my little sister have spoken for the first time in 4 years. Are meeting up for the first time in 4 years, and she's meeting my husband for the first time. All because of a band. 

If you think music isn't important..I beg to differ. 

S x

Feets!

Photo 3 - Picture of my feet. 

Quite an odd one I must admit. My obviously well loved and well trodden biker boots under my desk. They never let me down, come rain, sun or snow they have served me well. Although looking at this its about time I invested in another pair!

Photos!

I have stolen this from a very lovely lady whose blog I follow. One of my new years resolutions was to take more photographs. I hate having photographs taken of myself, so many things me and Martin have done together have no photographic evidence. Holidays, day trips, parties - No photos of us together what so ever. I have plenty of photos of my cats, non of everyday things. So thank you to J <3 

Its now February 3rd so I have some catching up to do! 

Photo 1- Self Portrait 

So I imagine that if you were reading this and weren't previously friends with me on facebook, or knew me in real life you would conjur up an imagine in your head of someone who looks like they are old enough to be a mother. Someone mature, someone who dresses well and can buy alcohol without being asked for ID. That isn't me! 

Yes I look like an 18 year old, but I am in fact 25. Good genes or bad genes, I'm not sure. Annoying genes when you are asked for ID to buy a lottery ticket, I'm guessing good genes when I'm 40 and still look in my mid twenties. Lets see! 

Photo 2 - View from your window

This was taken about a week ago from my living room window, my little car in the snow. Although I'm going to cheat a little bit here and add a second photograph. We live in a beautiful part of England with some amazing views all year round, even though the view from my living room window shows my little village with stone houses and brass bands, if you walk 5 minutes from my living room window, this was the view in the snow. 

I love it here. 

Photo 3 - Where you've slept. 

Where the magic happens - or something like that. Our lovely little bedroom, it's not fancy, it's not posh but it's my favourite room. Here you can see the most important bits - The TV on the drawers where we watch House before we got to sleep, photographs of our wedding and friends and family on the walls and our beams. The whole reason we fell in love with the house was because of the beams we have running through every room. Shame we're moving in 6 weeks!

Get snapping! 

Steph x

Back to the real world..

So as I was sat in my office yesterday I was mentally planning out 2013 TTC wise.

Our 2013 looks something like this (Im also an eternal pessimist, as you will see)

January and February - Enjoy life, enjoy sex. Be like every other non worrying couple that exists, have fun, drink alcohol, drink coffee, live

March - IUI number 1. Welcome back hospital appointments, blood test, scans, injections, tablets, sprays and creams. Also a warm welcome back to the speculum and stirrups. IUI BFN number 1.

April - IUI number 2. Turn 25. IUI BFN number 2.

May IUI number 3. IUI BFN number 3.

I have spoken with woman who have had IUI at my clinic and they usually do consecutive months, although we would have the option of taking a month our here and there. But for the sake of this I'll carry on.

After IUI BFN number 3 we will be referred for IVF. The IVF waiting list is 18 weeks, so 4 months.

May to September - Prepare for IVF. Try and enjoy life again. Plan a life without children, moving to spain, travelling the world, start a savings account in order to do these things.

September - First and last IVF. We only have one funding IVF cycle on the NHS.

By the time we are celebrating out second wedding anniversary in October 2013, we will know if we are going to be parents or not. Well, I know thats a bit dramatic but our journey will end this year, either for the best or for the worst.

By the age of 25 I will have accessed all of the medical interventions I am entitled to on the NHS, and will not be receiving any more help. By the age of 25.

Just reading that makes me burst into tears. Obviously I know that there is a small possibility we will go on to have a miracle natural pregnancy in yeas to come, but Im not going to hold my breath for one.

We've already decided that if the three IUIs fail we will then start planning for a childless life. Thats 4 months away. Just 4 months. I dont even think I can handle this year.

I usually hate these things...me me me

See if you find out anything about me you didn't already know! Saw this on a friends blog and I'm bored, forgive me! 

STATISTICS 

Name?  Stephanie
Current Location? Holmfirth
Starting Weight? 10 stone 1 pound or 141 pounds. (urgh)
Goal Weight? 9 stone and 8 pounds or 134 pounds. 
When do you want to reach your goal by: When I can. I've lost 20lbs over the last few months, I think i can afford to slow down a little now. 
When is your birthday? April 28th 
Eye Color?  Brown
Hair Color?  Natural - dark brown. Currently - red
Height? 5 foot 2 and a bit. Often rounded up to 5 foot 3. 
Piercings or tattoos? Yes and Yes. Belly button, nipple and ear stretchers reamining. Lip and septum removed a while ago. 4 Tattoos - Music on wrist, music on ankle, deathbat on nape of neck and drunken mistake I don't remember on left shoulder
Single or taken:? Married to my lovely scruff bag
Right Handed or Left Handed? Right handed
Any pets? My boys - Two cats Colin and Travis and two geckos Zimba and Ardo (extra points if anyone makes the connection)
Your greatest strength?  Surviving and living infertility and still managing to smile
Your Weakness?  Apart from the obvious baby related stuff - CHEESE

FAVORITES 

Favorite color? Puprle
Favorite flower? Lily
5 favorite movies: Jurassic Park, From Dusk til Dawn, Bad Boys, Shutter Island and Girl, Interrupted.
1 Movie you're ashamed of liking: High School Musical
Favorite holiday? My honeymoon in Spain
Favorite physical feature on yourself?  Boobs. Im not going to lie. 
Your favorite pizza toppings?  Mozzarella and more mozzarella
Favorite guilty pleasure? Crappy reality TV, Teen Mom, Real Housewives etc..
Favorite place to eat a romantic dinner? My house
Favorite season? Winter
Your favorite food? Mexican 
Favorite Ice cream flavor? Vanilla
Favorite subject(s) in school? Psychology and geology/geography
Favorite candy? Wine Gums or sports Mixture
Favorite breakfast cereal? I love cinnamon Grahams, but diet means Wheatabix 
Favorite person in your life? My husband
Favorite book of all time? Is it cliched if I say Harry Potter?
Favorite song? Of all time?! errmm... All Along the Watch Tower, Jimi Hendrix
Favorite place to be? Home, is that sad? 
Favorite fast food restaurant?  Local pizza place make the BEST pizzas. There or Las Iguanas
What is your favorite part of your life right now? My marriage 
Favorite TV shows? Too many to name. Breaking Bad, Dexter, Sons of Anarchy, Its always sunny in philadelphia 

WHICH DO YOU PREFER 

Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
Alcoholic or non? Depends. Im not a huge drinker. Midweek I'll happily swap a vodka for a hot chocolate
Scary movies or comedies? Scary movies. But I appear to be becoming more of a scardy cat as i get older.
Short or long hair? Short hair on me, long hair on men. 
Croutons or bacon bits? Oh tough! Bacon bits 
Beach or lake? Beach
Single or Group Dates? Single - Im appearing very unsociable throughout this. 
Pepsi or Coke: Neither. Hate them, make my teeth feel fuzzy. Lemonade every time. 
Starbucks or elsewhere? Cafe Nero 
Dogs or cats? CATS!

DO YOU's 

Do you smoke? No...
Do you sing? Not infront of people, they would cry
Do you want to get married? I am married, and yes, although I didn't until I met Martin. Again, Im coming across very soppy and old before my years here. DILLIGAF?
Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes. 
Do you get along with your parents? Love my Dad to pieces
Do you want children? No..I'm just doing this for the laughs
Do you drink?  Not really, sometimes I like a vodka and lemonade. 
Do you like to travel by plane? I LOVE planes. 
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday morning? No, I rarely see Saturday mornings. 
Do you have a teddy bear? I have a stuffed animal zoo in my spare room, collected from zoos, aquariums and animal centres we've visited through the years. 
Do you like thunderstorms? Love them, I get all giddy like a small child
Do you play an instrument?  Guitar. I use the term play loosely. 
Do you consider yourself a party person or more apt to stay at home?  Stay at home mostly, but I do enjoy gathering with my friends. Not huge events with strangers though

HAVE YOU EVER 

Have you ever fired a gun?  No, terrified of guns. Scariest part of living in the US for a while. 
Have you ever loved someone? Of course
Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?  yes. 
Have you ever cried for no reason? Yes, thanks Clomid 
Have you ever cut your own hair?  Once when I was a child, my Mum was so upset she cried. Never again
Have you ever skipped school?  No. Honestly. Im such a geek.
Have you ever bungee jumped?  Never could, I think I would die before throwing myself off a tall building attached to an elastic band
Have you ever punched someone?  yes, but she deserved it. 

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MATURE 

List your top fears: My family always being a unit of 2. Moths, butterflies and dentists.
What bill do you hate paying the most? TV License - Really my American friends, we need to buy a licence to watch TV!
What did you want to be when you were growing up? Ha, a forensic pathologist. I wanted to cut bodies up to see why they died. I was a lovely child and teenager, honest. Just fascinated by science. 
What errand/chore do you despise? General 'tidying' and cleaning the kitchen. My OCD means I tidy the house every day. 
A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing? Im infertile. I have a heart defect, I secretly fancy Hugh Laurie
What do you get every time you go into a Wal-Mart? Milk, bread, eggs, low fat everything
What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? non. I have a very non-descript face. 
What famous person dead or alive would you like to have dinner with? Dead - Jimmy Sullivan. Alive - Bradley Cooper. Oooh
How do you want to die? Happy in my sleep. Or something really dramatic
What do you want to achieve in life? Become a Mum, just once will do. Complete my PhD. Be collecting my pension with my husband. 
Your most missed memory? High school summer evenings with friends. University years 1 and 2. 
What books are you reading (if any)?  Andy Murrays autobiography. Its actually really funny. 

SOME RANDOM QUESTIONS 

Do you cheer for the bad guy?  Of course, I love Dexter. 
What do you want when you are sick?  Sports Mixture and sweet things
Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?  In a tent in a field?
What country would you most like to visit?  Japan
How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 very fluffed up duck down pillows. Nothing less will do! 

This has made me realise how very dull I am! 

S x