Sigh.
Really struggling with this, and everyone could read how sure I was that it had failed so I was as geared up for the BFN as I could be. I still spent last night sobbing until I couldn't make a sound anymore. My eyes hurt and I was making noises I didn't even know a human could make.
I'm so angry, at everything. I went to sleep feeling better, but woke at 3am and didn't get back to sleep. I was too busy thinking about spending the day at work, explaining to people that our treatment had failed. I tossed and turned until 6.30am and then just cried again. Cried and cried and eventually decided I needed to stay home from work today. Martin decided to pull a sicky and stay home with me so we could be together, that helped. We watches Game of Thrones, went shopping, bought some new bedding and decoration for the bedroom and I browsed around some clothes shops.
Now the evening is here and, although I was coping earlier on in the day, I know have a a pit sitting in the bottom of my stomach that is just sheer panic and despair. Beta is tomorrow, which I'm angry about because I know it's negative yet I need to get up at 6am, drive 30miles and be late for work just to ring them and them tell me. Hopefully, as stupid as it may be, we can jump straight into FET number 2 when AF arrives. We have three good blasts left (not perfect, but good) and I have a feeling they'll thaw all three and choose the best one. If FET #2 fails it will be straight into our second, and final, fresh IVF cycle.
Sheesh, we could be doing IVF in June.
I will be better soon.
Wednesday, 30 April 2014
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
7dp5dt
Well, this is it. It's 5am in Poland (thank god for free wi-if), Martin is snoring next to me and our flight home is in 5 hours.
I'm wide awake and googling "7dp5dt no symptoms" to see what dr google had to say about things and I can't sleep. I know this is going to be bfn, I just have the gut feeling this isn't it for us. But I can't stop thinking MAYBE I'll be like one of these woman on the internet that after talking about no symptoms for days on end, suddenly pops up on the message board with "MY BETA WAS 3567854!". But I'm not one of those woman, I've never had those sorts of endings.
4am UK time and all I can picture is that FRER that's waiting on the bathroom cupboard for me when I get home in 10 hours and I feel sick. (To the point where at 4am I've already been to the bathroom twice with an upset tummy...totally not symptom related, I have an emotional bowel!) I'm trying to pre-emt myself and practise seeing a negative, and remember that I have numerous things to do to get ready for going back to work tomorrow. I've already scheduled in 3-6pm for crying and general moping, and then I can iron and shower, drink wine, watch game of thrones and go to bed. But, that stupid little
Niggly voice in the back of my head is whispering "...imagine if the second line came up! You can be one of those woman!"
SHUT UP NIGGLY VOICE, you are not doing us any favours!
P.s Can I just take a moment to vent frustration at woman who say "I had absolutely no symptoms what so ever! I mean, I did have some tugging in my uterus area, my boobs increased two cup sizes, my nipples took over my chest, I gagged at the sight of cheese, peed every 20 minutes and slept for days on end...but apart from that nothing! Good luck with beta!" SERIOUSLY WOMEN?!
I'm wide awake and googling "7dp5dt no symptoms" to see what dr google had to say about things and I can't sleep. I know this is going to be bfn, I just have the gut feeling this isn't it for us. But I can't stop thinking MAYBE I'll be like one of these woman on the internet that after talking about no symptoms for days on end, suddenly pops up on the message board with "MY BETA WAS 3567854!". But I'm not one of those woman, I've never had those sorts of endings.
4am UK time and all I can picture is that FRER that's waiting on the bathroom cupboard for me when I get home in 10 hours and I feel sick. (To the point where at 4am I've already been to the bathroom twice with an upset tummy...totally not symptom related, I have an emotional bowel!) I'm trying to pre-emt myself and practise seeing a negative, and remember that I have numerous things to do to get ready for going back to work tomorrow. I've already scheduled in 3-6pm for crying and general moping, and then I can iron and shower, drink wine, watch game of thrones and go to bed. But, that stupid little
Niggly voice in the back of my head is whispering "...imagine if the second line came up! You can be one of those woman!"
SHUT UP NIGGLY VOICE, you are not doing us any favours!
P.s Can I just take a moment to vent frustration at woman who say "I had absolutely no symptoms what so ever! I mean, I did have some tugging in my uterus area, my boobs increased two cup sizes, my nipples took over my chest, I gagged at the sight of cheese, peed every 20 minutes and slept for days on end...but apart from that nothing! Good luck with beta!" SERIOUSLY WOMEN?!
Monday, 28 April 2014
6dp5dt
Still feeling overwhelmingly negative. Anybody who has ever said "oh...I'll just enjoy being PUPO until beta day" is a HUGE FAT LIAR. Don't get me wrong, I understand how extremely lucky we are to even be going through FET (ha. Can anyone ever be lucky to go through FET?!) but nobody can enjoy THIS!?
Feeling tired and exhausted. I'm not attributing that to anything biological as we spent 3-4 hours solid walking around the city yesterday, and passed out after dinner (and my one illegal TWW beer!) at 7.30pm. Slept right through til 7.30am! Had nothing 4-5 mile walk today to visit schindlers factory and the old Jewish ghetto on Krakow, came back to the hotel at 3pm after 5 hours on foot and slept for another 90mins. Not like me at all, but neither is walking for this amount of time.
I keep getting lower back/hip-ache after walking for a while. I don't remember ever having it before, but again, I don't tend to walk 10km a day.
Boobs are a little tender, but I am 11dpo so it could be AF gearing up to arrive. No noticeable cramps. We walked past a pharmacy earlier and Martin asked if I wanted to buy a test (as it's my birthday and I wanted to celebrate with a glass of red if I was able to) but I said no. Part of me knows it's too earlier, part of me, despite expecting a BFN tomorrow, still doesn't need to see it just yet.
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me....happy birthday to me.
P.s Ladies, how many attempts to you give a friend before officially dumping them? My best friend who I met at University and lived with, the one having the affair that I was expected to keep from Martin, is seriously causing me nothing but anger. She texts when she feels like it, or wants to tell me she has a new car/dress/shoes/something expensive or that she's getting a raise etc.... Will ask about baby-related treatment very occasionally, but never actually seems to care how it's going. Just a general "oh good news!" Or "I'll keep me fingers crossed" and that's it. E.g. Many people text me the night before transfer just saying "good luck for tomorrow". She texts me that afternoon saying "are you at the hospital today?" And I haven't heard anything since. She is the sort of person who blames her phone when she doesn't text back, claiming her signal was bad, she did but she doesn't understand why it didn't send etc... Despite the fact she has an iPhone and doesn't live in the 18th century. Today, it 4pm and she has yet to wish me a happy birthday.
Martin is best friends with her boyfriend (the one she was cheating on) and I don't want to cause trouble between them but....really?! I don't have many close friends, I don't feel the need to. I have my best friend from school who I know is there whenever I need her, and I did have this person, but having written all of this down on paper (blog...) I can see how referring to her as a best friend is seeming increasingly stupid.
I wonder if she'll remember to ask what our result was later this week? This is after everything I did for her back at Christmas when she was busy cheating. What would you do, my wise ladies?
Feeling tired and exhausted. I'm not attributing that to anything biological as we spent 3-4 hours solid walking around the city yesterday, and passed out after dinner (and my one illegal TWW beer!) at 7.30pm. Slept right through til 7.30am! Had nothing 4-5 mile walk today to visit schindlers factory and the old Jewish ghetto on Krakow, came back to the hotel at 3pm after 5 hours on foot and slept for another 90mins. Not like me at all, but neither is walking for this amount of time.
I keep getting lower back/hip-ache after walking for a while. I don't remember ever having it before, but again, I don't tend to walk 10km a day.
Boobs are a little tender, but I am 11dpo so it could be AF gearing up to arrive. No noticeable cramps. We walked past a pharmacy earlier and Martin asked if I wanted to buy a test (as it's my birthday and I wanted to celebrate with a glass of red if I was able to) but I said no. Part of me knows it's too earlier, part of me, despite expecting a BFN tomorrow, still doesn't need to see it just yet.
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me....happy birthday to me.
P.s Ladies, how many attempts to you give a friend before officially dumping them? My best friend who I met at University and lived with, the one having the affair that I was expected to keep from Martin, is seriously causing me nothing but anger. She texts when she feels like it, or wants to tell me she has a new car/dress/shoes/something expensive or that she's getting a raise etc.... Will ask about baby-related treatment very occasionally, but never actually seems to care how it's going. Just a general "oh good news!" Or "I'll keep me fingers crossed" and that's it. E.g. Many people text me the night before transfer just saying "good luck for tomorrow". She texts me that afternoon saying "are you at the hospital today?" And I haven't heard anything since. She is the sort of person who blames her phone when she doesn't text back, claiming her signal was bad, she did but she doesn't understand why it didn't send etc... Despite the fact she has an iPhone and doesn't live in the 18th century. Today, it 4pm and she has yet to wish me a happy birthday.
Martin is best friends with her boyfriend (the one she was cheating on) and I don't want to cause trouble between them but....really?! I don't have many close friends, I don't feel the need to. I have my best friend from school who I know is there whenever I need her, and I did have this person, but having written all of this down on paper (blog...) I can see how referring to her as a best friend is seeming increasingly stupid.
I wonder if she'll remember to ask what our result was later this week? This is after everything I did for her back at Christmas when she was busy cheating. What would you do, my wise ladies?
Sunday, 27 April 2014
5dp5dt
I committed a TWW cardinal sin!
I'm so convinced that out FET hasn't worked, and since it's my birthday tomorrow and there's absolutely nothing worth celebrating, I had one beer with my dinner this evening.
Yep, you heard me. Try and hold back your gasps of shock. I had a beer!
Absolutely zilch on the symptom front, boobs are fine, cramps have gone, no bleeding, no nausea, no nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Tomorrow will be a) my birthday and b) the final day before I get home and pee on that god damn stick while Martin pours me a glass of wine
I'm so convinced that out FET hasn't worked, and since it's my birthday tomorrow and there's absolutely nothing worth celebrating, I had one beer with my dinner this evening.
Yep, you heard me. Try and hold back your gasps of shock. I had a beer!
Absolutely zilch on the symptom front, boobs are fine, cramps have gone, no bleeding, no nausea, no nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
Tomorrow will be a) my birthday and b) the final day before I get home and pee on that god damn stick while Martin pours me a glass of wine
Friday, 25 April 2014
3dp5dt
Today I am negative nelly. I apologies in advance for my 'woe is me' post. I'm glad I'm home alone because nobody deserves my wrath. I don't feel anything today. I'm tired, but I haven't had much sleep. I think I had cramps last night and waking up this morning, but I think I was imagining it because I'm watching for stuff. Now I feel fine, no different to normal.
5 Days til test day. Which at the minute, I'm seeing as confirming the inevitable and the start of our next FET.
5 Days til test day. Which at the minute, I'm seeing as confirming the inevitable and the start of our next FET.
Thursday, 24 April 2014
2dp5dt
Today I feel....very aware of my uterus. If that makes any sense. Not cramps or anything per say, but I know it's there. Which I know is nonsense, but I don't know how else to describe it. Like my uterus is a small weight I'm carrying around, not painful but you know it's there. Like a bra!
Today is my spa day, and I'm currently sat in my friends living room who lives in a village called.... WOMBWELL. Honest
Today is my spa day, and I'm currently sat in my friends living room who lives in a village called.... WOMBWELL. Honest
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