8dp5dt

Sigh.

Really struggling with this, and everyone could read how sure I was that it had failed so I was as geared up for the BFN as I could be. I still spent last night sobbing until I couldn't make a sound anymore. My eyes hurt and I was making noises I didn't even know a human could make.

I'm so angry, at everything. I went to sleep feeling better, but woke at 3am and didn't get back to sleep. I was too busy thinking about spending the day at work, explaining to people that our treatment had failed. I tossed and turned until 6.30am and then just cried again. Cried and cried and eventually decided I needed to stay home from work today. Martin decided to pull a sicky and stay home with me so we could be together, that helped. We watches Game of Thrones, went shopping, bought some new bedding and decoration for the bedroom and I browsed around some clothes shops.

Now the evening is here and, although I was coping earlier on in the day, I know have a a pit sitting in the bottom of my stomach that is just sheer panic and despair. Beta is tomorrow, which I'm angry about because I know it's negative yet I need to get up at 6am, drive 30miles and be late for work just to ring them and them tell me. Hopefully, as stupid as it may be, we can jump straight into FET number 2 when AF arrives. We have three good blasts left (not perfect, but good) and I have a feeling they'll thaw all three and choose the best one. If FET #2 fails it will be straight into our second, and final, fresh IVF cycle.

Sheesh, we could be doing IVF in June.

I will be better soon.