Internet...you suck.

 I sometimes think I'm sort of 'coming to terms' with the way my life might end up going. This past week has been particularly difficult, I know I know, I sound like a complete broken record, but I've gone from being very positive about IVF to being extremely negative.

My cervix which resembles some sort of maize maze that jumps around and needs to be held down by huge devil-esque metal clamps has convinced me that my body simply isn't designed to have babies. I'm also now becoming to realise that it's quite possibly my fault for our IF. Yes I know that the FS has said that my cervix shouldn't cause that much of a problem., but so far it's the ONLY problem that's been identified. I wasn't made to be a Mum, biologically a block was put in the way so I must be destined to do other things. Does that make sense? I don't think anyone is ever OK with being childless, but some days it seemed a little easier to think about and deal with.  Then the internet throws things like this at me and I get that gnawing sick feeling in the pit if my stomach and feel my chest tightening. Fucking internet.

I suppose the start of our second IVF journey is Friday, as that is out first nurses appointment. I'm going to go in and ask all questions possible about our chances with my cervix and our history etc...in the past I've avoiding asking these sorts of questions because I didn't want to know the answer. That sounds extremely stupid now!

In other news; I'm poorly. I don't know what's wrong, I suspect some sort of upper respiratory infection mixed with migraines thrown in, I wake up in the morning unable to breath and I seem to be coughing up every colour of the rainbow.  I've now had two days off work stuck in bed. NOT great when you're about to begin IVF and have literally just informed your boss you'll be requiring some time off the day you're struck down with the horrid winter bugs.

My second observation is that I've decided nothing tests a marriage as much as sharing a bed. Seriously, I don't think people realise how much of a big deal and compromise it is sharing your bed with someone. When Martin and I first started our relationship I LOVED sharing a bed, he was always warm and he would play big spoon and put his arm around my tight while I snuggled into him. Sickeningly, we once feel asleep literally touching noses. Yes, touching noses! Bleugh, all forms of romance that present themselves in this way usually make me sick to my stomach, which is bizarre because Martin and I are quite a touchy-feeling type couple. Anyway...after 4.5 years of sharing a bed, most night times are spent pushing his ridiculously warm body away from me and  trying not to smother him while he does this weird heavy breathing thing he does when asleep. For Martin he has to cope with my, admittedly, ridiculous obsessions about the neatness of my bed (even while I'm in it) and , god love him, he will happily make sure the duvet is exactly the right height, it is folded over correctly in a way to minimise wrinkles, and that there are no sides of the duvet that aren't correctly over the sides of the bed. There is absolutely no folding over or throwing off allowed in my bed! I genuinely wonder how much sleep married couples loose due to sharing a bed, compared to couples/singles who have their own bed???

Lastly, I can't remember if I have informed my blog of this news. Some of you will remember my  friend who decided she was going to come off of contraceptive and TTC because she was worried "something was wrong with her", rather than actually wanting a child? Well a few weeks before Christmas I got a text saying she needed to talk to me and  I was going to be mad at her etc etc...so I obviously decided she was pregnant and sat, shaking, waiting for her next texts to come through. WELL turns out I couldn't be more wrong. Turns out she's having an affair with someone she works with. Right?  But things are a little more awkward than this, as her currently BF (I say bf, they've been together 9 years and own a house) is Martins best friend. She obviously immediately said "don't tell Martin", being a wife, I obviously ignored that advice and HAD to tell him. I don't lie to him.

That's was now...6-7 weeks ago. She's still having this affair, is openly in a relationship with another man at work (all her work friends and close friends know about it) but her BF doesn't. She's met her 'other mans' family and all while her BF is sat at home thinking everything is right with the world. I'm getting rather upset and annoyed by the whole thing, as far as she knows I've been lying to Martin for 6-7 weeks and she keeps telling me details I simply don't want to know. Sigh. Let's see how this turns out...