For the past 2 weeks since I've known I was pregnant (is it seriously only two weeks?!!) I've often wondered if anyone has ever had a completely worry free pregnancy. If I had just gotten pregnant naturally would I spend so many hours in constant worry, or be preparing myself for the worst at every possible hurdle?! I wonder what it's like to see a BFP and not analyse the shade of the line, do ten more for comparison then obsessively google photos of bfps, beta levels etc...before having it confirmed. What's it like to get a bfp and just sit back and smile and be excited? Don't get me wrong, there are a few blissful moments when I find myself thinking of names or nursery ideas but then I find myself mentally scolding myself for getting carried away with it all at barely 6 weeks!
After all these years don't we DESERVE to have some blissful happiness that isn't tormented by worry immediately after?!
When I was cramping daily from BFP I was panicking, now the cramping has stopped I'm panicking.
I'm convinced somebody is going to report me for molesting myself as I am obsessed with poking my boobs. I've realised now that I don't even care when or where, when I want reassurance I'll give me a poke! Whether that's at work, on the train on at the supermarket check out!
Yesterday I didn't nap in the afternoon - clearly a bad sign!
I don't have morning sickness yet - never pregnant in the first place, all a fluke.
Sometimes I do relax and remind myself that all is well, we're almost at 6 weeks with no spotting or any bleeding to report. But then I remember....BLIGHTED OVUMS! You don't spot or bleed at all with those, yes, I definitely must have one of them.
Jeeez. I think with infertility we're just predisposed to be given bad news, I don't think we are now physically capable of receiving good news when we go to the clinic.
Needless to say I had a total of around 2 hours sleep last night because I couldn't stop worrying about bloody blighted ovums. What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm pregnant, we finally did it. Yet rather than planning on our big announcement in planning my recovery period for when it all gets taken away from us.
Damn you infertility for absolutely ruining what is supposed to be one of the most joyful times of my entire life.
80% of pregnancies are perfectly healthy. 80% of pregnancies are perfectly healthy, which means there's only a 20% chance of being one of the unlucky ones. Those odds aren't too bad - but then I remember that I've been in the unlucky 10% before and stayed there for 4 years.
Today I am calling in sick to catch up on sleep and actually look after myself. I worked an extra 8 hours last week and felt completely exhausted. For once I don't feel too guilty for calling in sick, and I've decided in going to be totally honest with my manager. I'm pregnant, I'm exhausted, I feel under the weather and I need to rest up. So there.
Friday can't come soon enough, if there's a little heart beating in there I need to see it to believe it.
I wish I could tell you it gets better. In all honesty, it took months for me to finally just enjoy being pregnant, and even then there was a niggling voice in the back. You're right, damn you infertility. I believe I wrote a post exactly like this in my first tri, :)
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