My bellybutton hurts

It really does. My bandages are off and I have a 1 1/2 inch incision right on the bottom inside of my belly button, it's a lovely shade of yellow and it HURTS like a bitch whenever it is touched. Since I sit down, wear clothes and exist, thats quite a lot. Boo!

I felt like I needed to get back into my blogging, but since my days since leaving hospital have been spent having in depth, deep conversations with my cats and knitting, I don't have much to write about.

AF arrived on Tuesday (a week late) so I was contending with internal surgery discomfort and AF cramps for a few days. To say I was a bit grouchy would be an understatement! But if she had arrived on time I would have been waking up from surgery with AF which would have been worse!

Today I had a shower on my own for the first time since leaving hospital, that was exciting. I also shaved my lady garden for the first time in 2 whole weeks! Let me tell you, that was quite a mission! Although I have to admit, nothing bets putting on a nice new underwear when everything is smooth. Ha. Next post-surgery mile stone - Sex. The last time we had sex it was on another continent....times are getting tough. I have to wait 2 weeks after surgery before 'sexual relations' are recommended, thats a week away. Lets see if we make it....(please god I hope not)

See...thats just how dull my life is becoming an I still have another 6 days at home before I go back to work (for 5 days, then I leave, yes!)

Expect even more bizarre and pointless posts to come....

<3 xx

6 days post surgery

...and I'm slowly getting there. But very frustrated that I can't do more yet. But I'm OK.

I feel more bruised everyday, and I look more bruised everyday, but I don't need as many painkillers and my Tramadol has run out so its probably a good job!

Here is my patch work tummy (haha, excuse the boob shot!);

Look how round my tummy is! This was taken about 4 days ago, and I'm almost as 'flat' as normal now, but until today my tummy has been really big and swollen. I probably gained a good 4-6inchs following surgery. During surgery they pump your stomach full of CO2 so the surgeon can see what he's doing, then they try to take as much out as possible before stitching you up, but obviously can't get it all, so it takes around 7 days for the extra gas to 'escape' the body normally!! 

I have a large incision in my belly button, where they actually pulled out the gallbladder and inserted the large camera, this is the sorest wound and the one with the biggest bruise. Until you have a painful belly button, you don't realise how many of your clothes sit across it, rub on it, how you bend etc...hundreds of times a day. Its hurts!! I'm living in leggings and jeggings as anything harder would be impossible. The one immediately above my belly button is about an inch long and right on my bra line, very annoying again! I have one bra which has a 'loose' fastening which I can wear, but my favourite perky boob bras are a no go. 

The two on my right side are healing well, but annoying. Another small 1 inch incision which has an external stitch which is SO ITCHY, and the large bandage is covering my 'open wound' where they inserted my drainage tube. This was horrible to look at as it wasn't closed or anything, so the first night of changing that bandage we actually just looked as a wide half inch hole going straight into my abdomen. It's scabbing over well so doing ok. 

I can sit more comfortably now, but can't yet sleep laying on my side which is getting annoying. Gravity pulls at my belly button wound in an unnatural way and i feel 'twisted' inside. 

I cant bend down to pick things up, and use my stomach muscles for much at all, but feel OK, so I'm just getting annoyed sitting around the house. I have another 9 days at home before I go back to work, so hopefully by then I'll feel back to 100%. 

I'm eating normally too, well staying away from very fatty foods but have eaten normal meals and my digestive system seems absolutely fine! Fingers crossed! I've been told after gallbladder surgery it's hit and miss about what foods you can and cannot digest. Some people find they can go straight back to normal, some find they can't tolerate some foods anymore...so lets see how that goes. 

Back on to the 'infertility' aspect of things, AF is now 4 days late, but after all the drugs, antibiotics, surgery etc...I would imagine that is more to blame for her late arrival than anything else! We have an appointment with the Fertility Clinic on November 11th to discuss IVF, which we though we would be cancelling, but we can actually attend now!! Now we have the difficult decision of IVF and how to move forward....difficult because I have landed myself a brand new job, which I start on November 18th. 

This is a permanent job, better money, closer to home and a lot less money on travel being one of the managers of the student support departments at Leeds University Medical School with lots more opportunities to move 'up'.. I'm so excited to start this job. Given the state of the UK at the minute finding a permanent job is almost impossible but I now have one, which means I actually get, and are fully paid, for any maternity leave I need to take in the future. This is something we never thought we would have so we are actually in a good financial position to have a baby. Gosh, I never thought I would say that. 

The clinic want me to be fully healed before they will even contemplate IVF as no painkillers or antibiotics can be taken during a cycle, so we wouldn't be able to start in November, and possibly even December. Personally, even if we had the option I couldn't do IVF in December. I struggle at Christmas at the best of times, I could not handle an IVF failure with Christmas and New Year coming up, so for us, December is out. By January I will be 3 months post surgery and should be physically able to start IVF, but I will only be 2 months into my new role. I never thought I would say this, ever, but I don't know if I want to postpone for another month to get settled and feel more comfortable before asking for days off. I know I know, people will curse me for this, people will judge us dreadfully for this, what can I say. We've been waiting for so so long for this, we've gone through treatments knowing that we would financially struggle if they worked due to my job, now we have the option of choosing to wait an extra month of so before going back into IVF for the security of a job and money coming into the household if we ever do become parents. It's a tough thing to decide. 

I am personally learning towards February IVF start. My cycle at the minute will be the end of the month, I will be in my new role for 3 months, everything will be settled after Christmas, we'll be a little better off financially with my new wage and I'll feel more comfortable approaching my new manager and explaining the situation and asking for a few hours off for a few days out of the month. The university I will be working for have a special fertility treatment policy in place, and I know they can't judge me based on my IVF or anything else, I would just feel more comfortable. 

But at the same time I'm dying to get back to everything....I just don't know. I might break down one day and confess all to my manager, who knows. Maybe the clinic won't even let me do any treatment for 3 months after surgery?!

But the main thing is my gallbladder is out (I have gallstones on the fireplace as proof!), I'm going to learn and take up knitting while I'm home, I'm starting a new job, and we can actually begin to start thinking about IVF again. 

Things are looking up :)

So, it's out!

Only a short one, even though I have tons and tons to write about. I've only been home from the hospital for around 2hours, have just taken my dose of painkillers so am a little woozy and not with it. But, the gallbladder has gone!!

On Sunday evening, 3 mere days after returning from North Africa, I had the worst gallstone attack I've had ever. I tried to wait it out, but ended up being driven to the hospital. Martin made the tough decision to drive to the hospital which was further away, but where my surgeon was based, and if he hadn't I probably wouldn't have had the surgery.

I arrived at A&E at around 8.30pm and was asked to wait for a doctor. At 12am we were finally seen. The doctor was lovely, took some bloods and I explained it was gallstones (to which she asked "how do you know?") and what had happened. 1hour later my bloods were back and I did indeed have an infection and my liver function readings were sky high, so I was admitted straight away.

The first surgeon who came to speak to me explained I needed an ultrasound and an MRI, then they would operate within 6 weeks. The second surgeon who came to see me said they would operate before I went home, which planted the seed.

The following morning my own surgeon came by my bed, and said once my liver function tests were normal I could go home and he would send me a date for surgery. I simply looked at him and said "can I not have I done before I go home? It's ruining my life" to which he responded "I suppose so. We'll do it this afternoon!"

At 5pm I was wheeled down to surgery, petrified Im not afraid to admit. I was given oxygen, a strong painkiller (which made me not be able to see straight within seconds) and then the anaesthetic. The next thing I know I'm in recovery, I'm quite a lot of pain, crying, and being looking after by three very lovely nurses. After 7 syringes of morphine, more crying (which in turn hurt my stomach, so was a vicious cycle) a long conversation and one of the nurses experience of IVF (she had three rounds, non successful. She has a faulty pituitary and doesn't produce any female hormones at all) and I was back on the ward.

I don't remember seeing my Dad and Martin by my bed, but I've been told I wasn't really "with it" and I was mostly concerned that the surgeon has removed my pants.

Now I'm home, all bandaged up, with 4 small incisions in my abdomen. Small, but painful. I will be resting for 2 weeks and then normal life will resume. Very happy. Very relieved. Life can now get back on track.

Next entry will include; my continued recovery, new job and our amazing trip to Tunisia.

SURGERY DATE!!!

Liar liar pants on fire! No surgery date...made you read though :) 

Still plodding on. AF arrived 5 days early with some sort of fiery vengenace, on the plus side it means my fertile week this month will be holiday week. Hurrah! Even though I'm not doing OPKs are anything like that, holidays means guaranteed sex so there is no pressure. 

I had my counselling session yesterday and have been 'prescribed' a book as homework before my next appointment, I was thinking my holiday reading would be something easy and light hearted, but instead I will be getting stuck into my new copy of 'Conquering Infertility'. I'm sure I'll get some dodgy looks on the beach with that one!! 

I told the counsellor yesterday that nothing frustrates me more than when people don't acknowledge the possibly of there never being a 'happy ending' to our journey. Like "Oh you WILL get there eventually" or "When you have a family you'll forget all about this" (Ha, yeah right!) and she raised her eyebrows and said it was very unusual for her to actually have a patient acknowledge that not everyone does get a happy ending, and most of her time is spent discussing the need for an alternative plan with couples, and she believe it very healthy for me to have this frame of mind. Wasn't what I was expecting!

I'm in an OK mood today, 13 days until Tunisia which means I can start seeing the weather forecast for our first day !!

Remember me?

Its been a very long time since I updated, at least in Steph terms anyway. Partly because I have had nothing to say.

Things have been...erm...bad. I'm not feeling to great with everything at the moment so I've not been in much of a mood for chitter chatter on here.

I'm still in limbo, no surgery date for my cholecystectomy, no communication of how long I have left to wait. I can't, realistically, see the fertility specialist until after surgery (as there is nothing to discuss before..) so we still don't know if we have funding, lost funding etc... work is, frankly, shit. I leave this place most days just thankful I've gotten through without throwing sharp objects at people. I think describing my current state of existence as floating between two islands is fairly apt.

My mood and depression has meant I can't stand to be around or converse with many people who aren't Martin. He gets it, he's the only one who gets it, so it makes sense to stay grounded to him, right?

On the other hand we will be jetting off for 7 days here...

...in exactly 20 days. To say I'm mildly excited would be an understatement. At the minute my excitement for Tunisia is sort of managing to sugar coat everything else. I'm slightly worried about the immediate holiday blues that are sure to follow. I'm already dreading coming home and we haven't even gone yet! 

Our 2nd wedding anniversary is on October 26th and we've booked to go to Dublin for the weekend, so thats another thing to look forward to. :)

After than we have to just wait until 2014, and hope that we can get back on track with TTC. I had a month of using OPKs but I just can't do it. I knew I was ovulating this week and I intentionally avoided sex for the 5 days leading up to, and the 5 days following, realistically after 3.5years getting pregnant naturally is a one in a million, I'm not going to put myself through the trauma of AF arriving for one in a million, I had 2.5 years of that shit!!

I'm hoping that my next update comes sooner and is titled something like "SURGERY DATE!!!". Fingers crossed!

 

It comes around so quick.

September 4th. 2 years since our miscarriage.

I can't believe it's 2 years later and here we are.

Yesterday I read a piece on my new favourite blog (The Infertility Therapist), whereby she tries to describe infertility and what it's like.

She said that having infertility, as a disease, is like falling down a lift/elevator shaft, but at a painfully slow pace. It's all very dark and you can't see where you're going, nor how far you've come. You know that eventually you will reach the bottom, but while you're falling you have no idea how long it will be before you get there. Weeks, months, years or never. You may meet other people who are also in the lift shaft, but all moving at different speeds. Some will reach the bottom quickly, some will move slower than you, but it doesn't matter because while you're free failing in the dark, you simply do not possess the ability to see the end. More importantly, when you do reach the end, it's just as important to remember that there are still people in free fall and without knowing what speed they're travelling, you can't offer and insight into their fall.

I felt that was a very fitting description.

Blog recommendation

While trying to find the phone number for the counsellor at our clinic, google presented me with a link to some blog called "The Infertility Therapist".

I've only read a few posts so far, but felt so strongly about it I needed to write here immediately and recommend it to my friends. The background is this lady struggled with infertility, and also happens to be an infertility counsellor. She now has 3 children (I know one was through FET) and she blogs from both points of view. An infertile woman yet to have children, an infertile woman who is now pregnant, and an infertile parent (oxymoron, but I think thats a good description)

This particular post was very fitting for me at the moment, and discusses 'fertility envy' and the break down of relationships between friends and family when fertile and infertile come together.

http://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/fertility-envy-infertility-and.html

Worth a read. I shall be spending the afternoon reading through this and maybe learning a thing or two.

I know I'm going through a tough time at the moment, but the following post reduced me to tears in my office

http://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/top-tips-for-surviving-infertility_23.html

p.s to all my friends, I apologies profusely for my lack of contact and general shit-ness at responding to texts or PMs. I wish I had an excuse, I'm just sorting myself out and normal service will, hopefully, resume shortly. x