Shut up!

Today I feel like I want this permanently tattooed on my forehead just so people get it, because they clearly don't.

I'm 25 and I'm facing the next 50-60 years and never having a child, I'm facing disappointing my husband every Fathers Day and having to go through Holiday after holiday of my spare room remaining as empty as I feel.

Don't you dare, for one minute, tell me you feel sad because you can't see your feet, miss alcohol, want to go out on the town, buy a new car, dye your hair or my personal favourite "you're so lucky you're  going on holiday, we cant because were saving for the baby, it depresses me!" and god forbid you get everything that NATURALLY COMES ALONG WITH PREGNANCY?!!

Fuck off. Forever.

Final countdown

I SHOULD be ovulating today, found an OPK floating around in the bathroom cupboard and sure enough, +OPK.

If AF decides to play nice this month, were now on a two week count down to IVF. This time next month we'll be doing transfer and anxiously waiting.

Argh!

Edit: in case you are wondering, due to my high AMH level we will be going through the antagonist protocol - 28 days from start to finish, hence why this time next month we'll be doing transfer. 

3 days post extraction

I have now reached three days since I was viciously attacked by my dentist with a variety of dental instruments. My face is still swollen, not soft swollen, rather it feels like a big ball of hardness has taken up home in my jaw. I have one really manly jawline.

The extraction site and what remains of my tooth is sore, but can be handled with painkillers so I think I'm safe from the horrid extraction complication of dry socket, although still sort of terrified to eat proper foods. This weekend I've existed on instant mash potato and fish fingers, with rice pudding for breakfast. Today I had sushi for lunch, which took me 30 mins to eat as I was breaking it up into smaller chunks as I went.

I'm going to try some pasta for tea this evening, lets see how that goes. I'm sure that the tooth left inside my jaw is now pushing out of the side of my gum...sexy hey?! I think thats where the throbbing is coming from, but it is normal for the body to expel bits of bone and tooth after extraction so I'll see how that goes.

I'm on antibiotics, beta blockers, paracetamol and ibuprofen to get through the day currently. A combination which makes me very foggy and extremely sleepy. Not good when I still have a million exam papers to mark before Friday.

I can't wait to get home tonight and just rest in front of the TV.

I might treat myself to some chocolate, get the blood sugar up.

Face ache!

Shield your eyes!!! 

Apologies, in having a sofa day. I'm in my pyjamas and yesterday's make up - here my poor swollen face as of 32hours after tooth extraction. 

Pain radiates from my ear, down my jaw, to my throat and under my tongue. Swallowing still difficult and moving my face in general is quite painful. 

My ice cream and chocolate diet is NOT good for my waist line!

Bigger trauma of the dentist

So today was D day, my worst nightmares were confirmed. Everyone who said the dentist would be fine we're liars! Haha, I'm kidding, I appreciate all the texts and messages this morning, really! Thank you.

The injections and the first 10 minutes went well enough, I was a HUGE wuss and cried pretty much all the way through, but my wonderful husband was there to hold my hand and keep me going. After these 10 minutes I started thinking to myself "I'm sure it should be out by now?" and it most certainly wasnt. The extraction didn't hurt (until much later on when 2 more injections were required) but the force and pressure from the dentist was unreal! I could feel his hand and arm shaking through the force he was using, and that was being transferred down into my jaw, which genuinely felt like it was going to break.

My tooth broke into a couple of pieces and the top of the tooth was removed easily (I think..) but the roots were a different matter. He had to drill the tooth in half to move it easier, then two of the roots came out, but the other two would not budge. He pulled, pushed, rotated, pulled some more, rotated some more etc...and they just would not move. I was obviously sobbing uncontrollably at this point and making all sorts of pathetic noises whilst my mouth was open. My jaw was in agony through being held open for so long and my tooth was just not coming out. I think they used every type of equipment going, and in the roots stayed.

After 50minutes of pulling and poking the dentist had to admit defeat and explained he would have to refer me to the hospital to have the remaining roots surgically removed. He went on to say the roots splayed out, with one going right and one going left, and they were just firmly rooted in the jaw. He wasnt to know this though the x-ray obviously.

I was sent home with antibiotics and told to take painkillers for the pain. Boy do I need them now. The numbing has worn off, my face has swollen to twice it's normal size and all of the soft tissue on the left side of my face is agony. Which isn't surprising given the amount of beating its taking today. It hurts to swallow as my throat and under my tongue hurt, my hearing is impaired as the swelling has pushed against my ear canal and eating at the minute is completely out of the question.

Painkillers and Silver Linings Playbook this evening.

Thank you all again for my well wishes over the past week leading up to this morning, it may not have gone well but I appreciate the continued support. HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks and love to my good friend Karen, a registered dental nurse who has responded to every panicky text, calmed my nerves and been my main source of information for the last week. I'm very sorry for harassing you with my snappers and asking you every question under the sun, but am so grateful for all of your help :)

The trauma of the mock ET

Now that I'm at home and sitting comfortably, let me tell you a story about my cervix, it's quirks and my mock ET....

I arrived at the hospital at 10.30 and was escorted into a 'recovery room' and handed a gown, cap and funny little smurf feet covering devices. The nurse then left the room, while I was stood holding all this stuff and wondering, just how naked did I have to get?! I hadn't been given any instructions, so I hummed and ahh-ed for a while and eventually decided to just strip down to nothing and plonk of the theater gown, my cap and my feet coverings.

10 mins later a different nurse came to collect me and take me down to theater, where I was greeted by a doctor and lots of very impressive looking equipment. I did the usual bum wiggle to the bottom, feet up in stirrups dance and assumed the position. The nurse was lovely, and moved the ultrasound screen around so I could see, and showed me my uterus and ovaries, which I had never seen before, believe it or not.

I jumped a mile as the doctor swabbed my hoohaa with a cold swab, with no prior warning, and inserted the speculum. She wasn't a talkative doctor, didn't go through what she was doing etc... but the nurse kept me informed and kept chatting away to me. After 5 mins of changing catheters the doctor announced that she would be unable to do it, and my bladder needed to be fuller. (I had had a wee about 50 mins prior to the appointment because I was bursting and hadn't yet been today!)

The nurse sent me away with 5 cups of water (yes, 5) and I sat in my little recovery room with the TV and watched 'Homes under the Hammer'. 60 Minutes passed and they took me back into theater, I was dying for a wee so I hoped everything would be OK, and the doctor scanned me again and said my bladder still wasn't as full as she had hoped, gave me 2 more glasses of water and sent me away for 20 minutes while they did their final procedure of the day (an IUI incidently)

After the other 20 minutes I finally went back in (dying for a wee at this point!) and was deemed 'full' enough to attempt round two. The nurse said "oh, you've got quite a bend in your cervix haven't you?!" which I had been told before in passing, but never knew the extent of. Apparently, my cervix, the slippery little bugger, is 'U' shaped, not 'S' shaped like first thought, so it actually bends back on itself, making it difficult to insert a catheter. Following on from this, it was discovered today that I have a septate cervix, which means it has not one, but TWO, openings. I have the normal opening, then a bend, then ANOTHER opening, and the final bend around. No wonder the sperm have a difficult time getting to where they need to be!!

All of this, and a hypermobile cervix, meant that a clamp was needed to hold it in place while the doctor inserted the catheter. If i said it didn't hurt I would be a lying little shit. It was AGONY. The whole time the nurse was showing me on the screen the catheter going in, and I was gripping on harder and harder to the bed in the hope it would be done soon. I did, at one point, let out a whimper just as the doctor announced "Its in!". I was told there would be bleeding because of the clamp and the force they had to use, and to keep an eye on it today.

I'm starting to think we're beginning to crack the great mystery of our 'unexplained' infertility! For the actual event itself I will need a completely full bladder and some pain killers. I'm not convinved it's going to go smoothly!

Now on to tomorrow, where I will be probed and bleeding from another hole.

Sexy

Guess what I'm doing?

First mock ET was unsuccessful. Three catheters tried and now I've been sent away with 4 cups of water in the hope that a fuller bladder will help.

Fingers crossed otherwise I'm facing cervix dilation.

Odd?

I made sure my bikini area was shaved and presentable for the nurses today doing my mock ET. Just the same as I will make sure my teeth are brushed, flossed and dosed in mouthwash BEFORE they pull the bugger out tomorrow, and I wash and do my hair before going to the hairdressers.

If we do ever get pregnant, I wonder if I'll make sure my bikini line is in order for the birth?

This week needs to be over

Being on beta-blockers is possibly one of the strangest feelings I've ever experienced. Its now Wednesday, in 48 hours time I'll be sat in the dentist waiting room trying to not die right there on the spot. I'm terrified, but my body is refusing to respond to this feeling. My heart rate is slow, I'm not sweating, I'm not trembling...it's sort of like my brain is thinking "hang on a minute, you're not scared, you're heart rate hasn't even increased! Pffft!"

I've never taken any medications that deal with 'emotions' so to speak, so this is taking some getting used to. I wake up in a morning and panic about Friday, take a tablet, and an hour later feel Ok about it, not great, but like I can cope. Odd.

My mind is so pre-occupied by the impended doom of Friday, that I haven't even really had time to think about my mock egg transfer tomorrow! I hope it goes well. I know from my HSG that my cervix is 'S' shaped, and its in my notes, so hopefully it will be a good practise run for the actual event.

24 days and counting

We're good to go!!

I love my gastroenterology surgeon. He is our angel. He sat me down and have me the usual "it's a ticking time bomb..." "...we need to surgically remove it" etc etc etc... And then he looked at me and said "BUT, I've just read your notes and you've started IVF. Correct? How long have you been waiting" I replied with 3 years TTC and he pulled a really sympathetic face and explained that although the gallbladder needs to come out, he doesn't see why it can't wait for a while if I keep care of myself. I'm in a healthy weight range, don't smoke, don't drink, exercise daily and have a healthy diet, he believe if I keep that up he doesn't see why I can do IVF and take things from there. If it works he'll keep an eye on my gallbladder with scans and, worst case scenario, it starts to get worse (small chance) it's quite common to perform gallbladder removal on pregnant woman in their second trimester, and apparently quite safe. (But again, he said very small chance and he doesn't think that will happen) if it fails, we can do the surgery before having our second attempt.

I love him! He treat me like an actually human being and admitted that he wouldn't normally take this course of action, but conversed with me about it. So we are officially starte IVF when next AF arrives.

I also went to the GP this morning and he prescribed some beta blockers for my dentist related anxiety - I know they're not as potent as benzodiazepines but they seem to be working wonders! Need my fluffy slippers on though!

G Day

Today I have two medical appointments;

At 8.50am I am going to my GP to beg and plead for some benzos for Fridays dentist appointment. To say I've lost some sleep since last Tuesday would be an understatement. I know there is no way i am going to make it into that chair without some form of sedative in my body.

More importantly, and crucially, at 2.50 I have my appointment with the surgeon to discuss my gallbladder. I need to fight my cause for no surgery. Still been 3 months with no abdomen pain. THIS is the appointment that will make or break IVF. I'm confident I can fight my corner, but if the surgeon really wants, they can ruin everything.

The beginning

We finally had our appointment with the IVF nurse today to go through the procedure, the forms and medications.

A lot happened, we were in there for 2 hours. She was amazingly nice and answered every one of our questions (even the stupid ones!) and practised injections with me. It felt very strange to me to be handling syringes, especially the large ones used for mixing the solutions. Prior to fertility investigations I was as petrified of needles as I was of dentists (they probably go hand in hand!) and it once took my teacher and 2 friends to hold me down to have my meningitis immunisation (I'm sure that would be in the papers these days?!)

She have me two small needles to practise with at home prior to the meds starting - I just jump out of the shower and did it. Pinched an inch, did the injection (well put the needle in, but you get what I mean)

This is a huge deal to me that I could do this, I'm so proud of myself. I am officially classing this as the start of our IVF, and it will be shown by the discarded syringe in our brand new accessory, the sharps box.

There is the small matter of me staying firm with the surgeon on Monday and putting a hold on surgery until after this round of IVF. Still feeling great, still don't want to be sliced open. 

It will get better soon, right?

List of things to add to this weeks list of shite;

I am petrified of the dentist, so scared I threw up twice waiting for my appointment. I had to be led into the room by the nurse and coaxed into the chair whilst sobbing uncontrollably.

I have to have one tooth removed in 10 days time.

I don't think I can live for the next 10 days knowing its coming up - I'd rather loose a limb.

Witchy witch!

So now AF decides to arrive!! 14 days late and just in perfect time to fuck up my mock egg transfer in 2 days time, which will now be rearranged for two weeks time.

Where's my break?

waiting, waiting, waiting....

Still no sign of the witch. Where the hell is she?! Did another HPT on Thursday, which was a negative, obviously so we know there is no baby in there! Have one left in the cupboard which shall be done tonight - not because I think I'm pregnant, but because it's there.

Our mock ET on Wednesday may be able to go ahead after all, I'll just skip the 'period' part of this month.

If we were waiting to start IVF this cycle, I would actually be clawing at myself.

Boobs!

I took my bra off last night and made an audible "ouch!" sound and haven't been able to touch them or lay on them during the night. I am also pretty sure my bras are struggling to contain them! Beast breasts!

Still no sign of AF, but fingers crossed this means she'll be here soon.

Ouch!

CD41

10 days late. Still no AF, still no sign of AF. Still normal, bog standard CM, not even a hint of blood and no sign of drying up (sorry!) which usually happens before AF.

10 fucking days body! Sort yourself out! I joked with my friend Cat this morning that having an unpredictable period is like having to plan for some sort of military operation every time you leave the house. In my handbag currently are three different types of tampon, some sanitary towels just in cases, paracetamol and codeine (if its really bad!) and dare I admit...even a spare pair of underwear for when she inevitably turns up unannounced, probably in the middle of an important meeting.

Non of the above has been needed yet, I'm having no cramping what so ever either and no positive pregnancy tests so there isn't anything growing in there.

Called the FS this morning to discuss my mock ET on Wednesday - They can't carry it out if I'm bleeding, BUT if she carries on like this she may not have arrived so I may not be bleeding....if that makes sense? They have made a note and have asked me to call back on Tuesday and let them know whats going on, I still have my nurse consultation on Wednesday anyway.

This conversation happened;

"How many days late are you?"
"Ten days"
"Is this normal?"
"Nope, not at all, usually very regular"
"Have you done a pregnancy test?"
"I've done four, all of which negative, she's just a pain in the arse!"
"Hmmmmm, wait and see over the weekend and then do another one. If your period doesn't arrive by Tuesday we might squeeze you in for a quick scan while you're here on Wednesday"

AF....you've had your fun now, pllleeeaaassseeee just show up!!!

p.s. Despite receiving more bad news in regards to my 'potential gall bladder surgery' I'm carrying on with this cycle as I normally would. Im just in that frame of mind, the chances of this NOT working are higher than the chances of it working and I feel great. I may be seen as irresponsible, but frankly, after 3 years I'm past caring.

damn you AF!

I am now on CD...erm....38 of my usually 31 day cycle and no AF. No sign of AF at all, obviously no positive pregnancy test either (don't be silly!) so who knows what's going on! I was SURE she was going to start yesterday morning as I had cramps, but nothing, now I don't even have cramps! What the hell!? This is highly unusual, I have had ONE cycle that lasted an extra 10 days around 7 months ago, but ever since then she's been like clockwork, obviously because I was her to come she wont. The bitch.

My mock ET is scheduled for in a weeks time, if she doesn't arrive today or tomorrow (possibly Friday at a push) I might have to reschedule it as I won't have stopped bleeding before the 12th. Great! Gah. Can anything else go wrong this month? Its definitely not stress, trust me I've been much more stressed in my life and AF has never altered, I always thought she was unshakable!!

 Good news is on the gallbladder front I have spoken to a doctor friend and they said that depending on my ultrasound the specialist may try and push me for surgery because it's the 'easy option' but with having no attacks they don't see why surgery would be needed, and they can't MAKE me have surgery just to make it easier for them. As long as I know I have a slight increased risk of having gallstone attacked during pregnancy (but so do 20-30% of pregnancy woman) then that should be fine. So that's that decided. Part of me was even going to call the hospital yesterday and re-schedule my specialist appointment for after IVF to stop any un-needed worry or stress, but I feel better now.

Can everything send nasty vibes to the lining of my womb to make it want to come out, please?? While you're at it, everyone send HUGE positive thoughts to my friend Jess, whose having her egg transfer today. Thinking of you!!

xx

Feeling better

Apologies for my very depressive and dramatic post yesterday, I just had "one of those days" I suppose. I feel much better today.

I've done more research as to my gallstones and if you have gallstones without any symptoms or frequent attacks, they are classed as asymptomatic gallstones and only 10- 20% of people with asymptomatic gallstones will ever need surgery, and up to 25% of the population have them and are only found by accident.. Most are prescribed painkillers incase of an attack and told to just keep an eye on it. The longer you go without an 'attack' the less likely you are to have one. Usual gallstone attacks occur a few times a week, or weekly, I've gone 3.5 months without any pain so I think I'm OK :)

Met with FS today, we signed off the forms to go through the "antagonist protocol" or IVF, which is different to long and short protocol in that its designed for woman who are at risk from OHSS. They use less of the stimming medication but just as much LH, so fewer eggs but hopefully of good quality. They aim to get between 5-10 eggs per cycle. They prefer to for 5 day transfers all being well, and take it from there.

Success rates are around 30%, although FS believes ours should be slightly higher given our ages and my AMH, but we will get a better idea once they've done egg collection.

We even asked FS about the holiday we have booked in October and she said we would only be 14 weeks pregnant so would be absolutely fine to go on holiday. If it works obviously.

Can't get my head straight :(

I've got my appointment through with the gastro specialist on June 17th, five days after mock egg transfer. I'm determined to NOT have any surgery, Im not having any symptoms, I'm living pain free, after the antibiotics I've been eating a livin just fine, and the bottom line is I don't WANT to have surgery at 25 without looking at other options. I might get a slight 'niggle' in my back/abdomen a few times a month but NOTHING compared to when I had ulcers.

I've asked dr google and if you have gallbladder surgery IVF and any TTC activities can be put on hold for up to 6 months. After all this waiting, do we want to take time out for something that isn't causing me any problems? Alternatively I can completely understand why doctors would be looking at me in a negative light for thinking this way, but after I suffered from ulcers and gastritis for 18months solid, I now feel AMAZING!

On the other hand the IVF could fail and we sould have put everythig webe wanted for ao long on hold for huhe disappointment, but if it does fail then we can think about doing the surgery after July, I really think we would welcome a break after going through something so emotionally and psychologically draining and destroying as a failed IVF.

I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm terrified something is going to happen to fuck up our first true shot at having IVF. I know I keep saying this but I feel great!

So stressed and worried to the point of just wanting to burst into tears thinking about it, doesn't help that after wishing AF would hold out, she's now 5 days late and no signs she's goings to show up any time soon.