Defying all the odds

Max had s traumatic and quick birth at 36+2. I haven't written the while story on here I know, but it was all very quick (fully dialated within 2hrs of arriving at hospital) and after he failed to get into a good 'birth position' and he became distressed we were wheeled into theatre for an emergency forceps delivery. It was terrifying, painful and completely overwhelming but he arrived safe and sound and is now asleep on my boob. 

After he was born there was a bit of commotion from the side of the theatre and lots of medics exclaiming 'oohs' and 'ahhs' and Martin was told to bring the camera as he would want to take s picture of this...what this was we didn't know.

Well here is what was causing so much commotion (sorry for a graphic photo!)

Max had what is called a 'True knot' in his umbilical cord. He was always an sctive baby but whilst in utero had managed to roll through a loop in his cord creating a perfect knot.

At the time I didn't think much of it but the doctors told us it was rare but Max was fine. It's only now during hours of late night Breast feeding that we've looked further into this and read more about these true knots. Well, they regularly cause stillbirths as babies are often deprived of oxygen due to this knot tightening. Many scientific research papers have stated that the biggest risk to babies with true knots occurs after 37weeks, when room becomes less and babies tighten the knot with most movements. Many knots, like ours, are undetected before birth and aren't discovrted until baby has been delivered. 

I dread to think what may have happened had I not gone into labour early, he may very well not be here. 

This little man has kept the medical community on their toes since day one. 

12 months

February 8th 2014 was the date of our egg collection and fertilisation of our little embryos.

February 8th 2015 and this little embryo is getting more perfect by the day

The story isn't over yet

4 years in infertility and then you hear the doctor say the words "I'm going to diagnose postnatal depression and anxiety". yowzers

I love Max more than anything and I haven't struggled to bond. My PND seems to have manifested itself in irrational thoughts of harm coming to him with an awful obsession that he will die. On Sunday morning I woke to a vivid daydream of someone's hands holding my son under water. He was wearing his blue sleep suit with the monkeys on, one of his favourites. There's was nothing I could do to get the hands from his shoulders holding him under. I spent the next 4hours uncontrollably sobbing.

This is just one more kink in the chain

Merry Christmas

To all I know, I hope you have an extremely merry and very happy Christmas.

Lots of love from us and our 33 week Christmas Turkey. It's been a long road and taken us almost 5 years but for once our year is ending on a high.You get the underwear shot for free as it's Christmas.

Names

Ive always been interested in different regions of the world and how they name their children, mums name, dads name, family name, middle names etc...and by searching the Internet for more information it seems that there are tons and tons or pages dedicated to naming children 'the British way' and that, apparently, we have a certain way of naming babies....I'm not so sure myself but it got me thinking.

This little one has a name and has had a name since he was a frozen embryo in an industrial freezer. His middle name has always been 'Raymond'...this isn't exactly my first choice of name but it's DHs beloved grandfathers name who passed away shortly before we began IVF and it seems fitting to use it. Sadly, at 14 weeks pregnant DH also lost his uncle who he loved dearly. This was completely unexpected and hit everyone hard, uncle was very supportive when we suffered our miscarriage and unfortunately died a few days before we told family our news which means he never knew he was going to be a great uncle. 

So we have toyed with the idea of using both names as Baby Bs 'middle names', but I'm not sure if it's too much on the poor guy? His name would then be M_______ Raymond William Briggs. Which is kinda long...

So what are people's thoughts? Two name too many or ok as it will only be used for formal purposes such as passports etc..?

Week 32

Still not loving them. Jeez I've seen woman with twins have perfectly smooth tummies at full term - this monster still have 6 weeks to go! Given that I've lost 8lbs since my GD diagnoses and he's not the size of a 3 year old I don't know why he's doing such a number on my belly. Clearly shitty skin genes!

This week we discovered the beginnings of placental insifficiency which they have chalked down to the diabetes. This means that there is restricted blood flow from the placenta to baby B which can slow down growth but, more importantly, can quickly deteriorate to complete placental break down. He's absolutely perfect at the minute and as they caught it really early they're not too concerned that things will dramatically decline. It will mean regular monitoring from now on to see how he's doing. This week alone we've had a repeat doppler scan, a diabetes check up and a CTG tomorrow morning. Next week we have another growth scan and see what else they would like. So far this monster isn't actually too monster like - he's in the 53rd centile and weighs around 4lbs. He's distinctly average size wise :)

Love thy pregnant body

I've mentioned before that stretch marks have NOT been my best friend during the past 6 weeks or so. In fact I don't know if I'm ashamed to admit that I've cried about these more times than I care to remember. I knew I was going to get them as I already have a collection of them of my thighs, hips and boobs from puberty and my skin is not made of stretchy stuff. Did that make it any easier when I first noticed them? Nope.

The thing to understand is that I don't hate them because of what they signify, my skin is stretching to accommodate my son, I love them for this. I hate them because they're forever, they're now here to stay with me for the rest of my waking days and there's very little I can do about it. Yes they will fade like me others, but my pre-pregnancy body is now gone, completely. As a woman who loves nothing more than throwing on a bikini and sitting on the sun these new lines take some getting used to. My current fear is never having the confidence to go to the beach with my son and splash in the sea without feeling too self conscious, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unattractive and I certainly don't want to spend a majority of it too ashamed to be naked in front of my own husband due to my crepe like tummy...

So in order to try and learn to love my lines I'm going to stop ignoring them and try to learn to love (!) them. Which will include taking weekly photographs of my tummy to see how they've progressed, in the hope that one day I'll look back on them and actually feel proud. I'm not saying im going to post these photos on my blog, but to jump in feet first I decided the first 'stretch mark diary' should debut on here...

I'm having a baby

In a few short weeks. Jesus fucking Christ

This is the sudden realisation I had yesterday when making plans at work for the new year and it was pointed out to me by a colleague that I wouldn't be there.

So far I've been blissfully plodding along with my growing belly, getting to know his habits and that he likes warm baths and is already a Taylor Swift fan. Giving birth and having a son have always seemed like so far away - except it isn't. In 6 weeks he will be fully grown and could potentially come at any time from then.

The nursery isn't decorated. The cot hasn't been assembled. The pram is still waiting to be put together and I don't even have a hospital bag or practical things like maternity pads and breast pads.

Can I stop time and just have a little longer to try and pull myself together before he arrives please?

The belly

Almost 30 weeks. I have ill fitting underwear on and a very sexy non-wired crop top style bra. Yes those are stretch marks above my hips. I worked 4 years for this monster and here he is in all his glory. 9 weeks of growing left to do - where is he going to go?!

Growth Scan number 1

I had the first of our additional growth scans this morning and he's grown so much! He actually resembles a perfect little human being. All measurements were perfect, so despite my GD and my huge belly he's completely average size for his age and I'm not growing a monster. Estimated weight currently is 2.8lbs. 2.8lbs of chubby faced goodness.

My glucose monitoring is good and the diabetes nurse doesn't see the need to see me every two week and will now see me every 4 and the consultant is happy with how everything is going. They initially said induction at 38 weeks but as everything is going so well they're leaving towards 39 now, but have confirmed there is absolutely no way they'll let me go 40+.

That gives us only 10 weeks until he arrives.

I'm just going to say it!

I'm struggling.

There. I said it (typed it...) out loud. My inner infertile is giving me death stares and telling me I sold out and that I swore I would never say this, but I have to. I. am. Struggling. 

I love my baby, I smile every single time I feel him roll and everytime I feel him kick. It's like its just me and him, nobody else gets to feel these things or knows him like I do, for the next 10 weeks we get to remain in our exclusive club until he's welcomed into the world and I have to share him with his Daddy. I love planning his arrival, shopping for his things and thinking about how life will change when he gets here. I love him, I love being able to be a family and after 4 years having everything I dreamed of come true.

But it's hard.

I hate working 40+ hours a week with mild SPD and near constant heartburn. I leave my house at 7am everyday and don't walk back through the door until 7.30pm, at which point I am simply exhausted. Getting through a working day now is difficult. My hips hurt everytime I have to walk to the printer, I can't sit for anymore than 45minutes without my lower back beginning to ache. My workload is increasing every week. I am single handedly organising a two day national conference which takes place in 10 days time on top of my usual day to day work. I sleep for roughly 4hours a night and now the simple pleasure of chocolate or dessert after dinner has been taken away by the joy of GD. I think my plan of working until 39 weeks may have been a bit adventurous.

Last night I arrived home and oiled up my growing belly as I do every night and whilst admiring how utterly weird belly buttons look during pregnancy I noticed the angry red stretch marks that have now formed in my bikini area. I admit I crumpled and spent the next 10-15minutes in tears.

I love this little life I have growing inside me and everything that comes with it but it's hard

Yowsers

Hello third trimester. When the heck did this happen?!

The homeward stretch

Fasting sugars

4.7mmol

Perfect result!

Take that diabetes!

Today has been my first day of monitoring my blood sugar levels and I've been well on healthy range all day. My main concern is tomorrow mornings fasting level as the nurse suggested of this is high and the others stay low its usually a job for insulin.

We got this pegged baby B

The saga continues...

26 weeks today and I've just been diagnosed as having gestational diabetes.

Sigh.

Not bad to say last week my MW wanted to cancel my GTT as my original BMI calculation was wrong so I wasn't 'at risk'. I decided I'd go through with it anyway as I had nothing to loose and it looks like it's a good job I did.

A week of blood sugar monitoring to come before they decide if it can be diet controlled or needs insulin. Even more needles, fun. Interestingly I've read that there is a link between IVF babies and GD.

No more chocolate for us little man. CHRISTMAS WITHOUT CHOCOLATE?!!

In other news we're down to 98 day to go, where is this pregnancy going?!

We made it!!

Happy V day little guy! 

A year ago today I was 2 days post gallbladder removal and now here I am. Currently being kicked by this little wriggler who is probably quite pleased he has the extra room removing my GB has provided.

Other, light hearted, things I miss;

1) My vulva. I haven't seen her for weeks, I'm sure she's still there albeit very untamed. (Edited for nurse Rieckmann:) )
2) My legs sans cellulite
3) Being able to leave the house without wearing a panty liner.
4) Lazy sex. My hips and back are painful, once I'm laid down try to avoid getting up if I can. Lazy missionary sex has been very good so far, now the little one is just too big to allow this to happen. Nothing stops the throws of passion quicker than baby B giving dad a swift kick after mounting...
5) Steak. Anything other than rare is a waste
6) Baileys. Ok not yet, but Christmas without Baileys is unheard of!
7) The normal colour of my nipples. I don't remember what colour they were before pregnancy?!
8) Sleeping on my back without the fear striking
9) Being able to watch TV without bursting into tears at something completely bizarre like a toothpaste advert
10) A grande Starbucks coffee of any sort - the higher caffeine content the better
11) Having fully functioning nostrils

I still have to pinch myself

I've avoided these so far and most photos of baby B have remained strictly private. However today I managed to capture one that I love as it's our first photo 'together'

Me and my boy

Fetal Echo

Was perfect. All chambers, arteries and blood flow as it should be. Little guy was as fidgety as usual and kept moving just as the sonographer wanted to take a photo of his heart. In the end it took lady to hold the probe and follow baby as he moved and another to take the photos. 

I've been slightly worried about him the past few days as he's been quiet kick wise but this certainly eased my mind. The minute any probe or doppler is put on him he kicks it away, I don't know if he hates it or is playing with it?! 

It's happened....

There it was. Staring me straight in the face. I took of my bra and it revealed itself.

The first pregnancy stretch mark.

Nestled right at the top of the book near my arm pit, all shiny and new. You sneaky bastard.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner to be honest, the girls have grown from a 34DD to a 36FF in the past 4 months, that's some impressive growth right there.

I use bio oil daily but I expect my growing belly will soon follow my boobs and betray me, leaving me with brand new tiger stripes.

I already have plenty on my thighs, bum and hips from puberty so they'll have plenty of company.

Good growing little guy

22 weeks

Wow.

How is it 22 weeks already?

Anatomy scan last week revealed all was perfect with the little one. Legs, arms, head and everything in between. We even got to see his rather full bladder which was bizarrely interesting.

Met with the consultant a few days later as my new health trust class ivf pregnancies as "high risk". I was informed of the following;

- we would have growth scans at 28,32,36 and 38 weeks to see how baby is doing. This is due to IVF babies often being on the small side, even though scurrently he's in the 90 percentile for most measurements.

- wouldn't be allowed to go past my due date. In fact they monitor and would recommend inducing labour anywhere from 38+ depending on how baby is doing. I also have the added complication of my heart condition which is even more reason for them to induce early, if he doesn't arrive early himself.

- baby needs a fetal Echo to check out his little heart and make sure he hasn't picked up my murmur. If he has he'll be born at the main hospital in the area that has neonatal cardiologists on hand. This is great as I know they'll be there, but this hospital also happens to be the same one I work in with the medical school which means the chances of me having colleagues on hand to experience me giving birth is quite high.

Fetal Echo is scheduled for Monday morning. Fingers crossed