2 days...

Is all I can manage without wanting to write on this damn thing. I guess as much as I want to hide (and I am still, very much hiding) I've realised my blog is extremely therapeutic I don't even think I'm writing for an audience any more, I just get an immense sense of 'release' when I've typed everything down here. Maybe I've found my therapy? I also write quite long blog posts when I need 'therapy' the most. I apologies in advance to all of you that stumble across this or are bothered to read it.

I have a weird obsession with odds and evens, not just numbers, but a sort of weird synaesthesia type thing where I assign an 'odd' or 'even' feeling to names, days, months, words, letters etc...and I don't like odds. E.g. Stephanie would be an even name, because it's nice and curved and rounded. Martin would be an odd name as it is more jagged and pointy (make sense?) a,b, e, s, g, o are all even letters, but i, j, l, k, m, y, z, x are all odd letters. But there isn't necessarily a set pattern, I just get a feeling. e.g.  Monday, Wednesday, Friday are 'odd' days, where as Tuesdays, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday are all 'even' days, and I feel much better on even days.

I won't sit in an odd seat number in cinemas, on planes etc... and I don't' like to have 'odd' numbers of things on my plate. The numbers 1,3, 5, 7 and 9 are my arch nemeses, they are the worst of all the odd numbers because not only are they odd, but they are single numbers, which is '1' so also odd. My personal justification as to why 2013 has not been out year pregnancy wise is that it is an odd year, and therefore would be unlucky for us to get pregnant this year. 2014 sounds like a much nicer, even year.

I'm an even person, I was born on 28th of 4th in 1988, my husband is an even person born on 12th of 8th 1986 so that's perfect. But today, Wednesday 31st July 2013 is as odd as you could possibly get, it's a bad day, bad things will happen. So I am naturally in a bit of a anxious mood (I know, I'm mental) so I'm doing things to make it better.

Yesterday was a bad day. My first day back at work after my illness and it's only when I take time off from work and return, that I realise how much I hate my job. On paper it's perfect, I can work from home, they are flexible with time off, and on the whole there are nice people here. But in reality I can't stand it, but due to the flexibility and my ability to attend hospital appointments I'm sort of bound to stay here until I am either pregnant, or move on with my life. Plus, I've been here for 13 months, so despite it being a fixed term contract until July 2014 (extension possible) I would be granted maternity leave if it applied.

Bad parts of the job;

1) Its 35 miles away from home. The traval time to and from work is almost soul destroying. Our alarm goes off at 6am every morning (which isn't too bad, I agree) and I don't arrive at my office until 9am. I leave work at 5pm and usually arrive home at around 7-7.30pm. Thats a nice round 13-14 hours a day away from home. We usually get 2-3 hours together in the evening before falling asleep.

2) I do have friends here, often people you wouldn't imagine I'd be friends with, like the 53 year old IT manager who lives in the office next door, we just get on and share a mutual dislike for many of the institutes regulations and employees. However, the majority of the staff speak to you and treat you like you are something that has just been spat out and dragged across a field of horse manure. Real academics, on the whole, are pompous twats who need to be slapped across the face with a huge metal rod.

3) My brain is turning to mush. Without sounded like the aforementioned pompous twat, I'd like to class myself as quite an intelligent and well educated individual. I put myself through my BSc, I continued on to gain my qualification in teaching and education, and I enjoy working as an examiner for one of the biggest exam boards in the UK, but when I step into my office I might as well forget around 70% of all my knowledge and intellect because it won't be used. I work in an institution which is supposed to value education and training, I applied for the position with this in mind, yet, believe it or not, I am one of few members of staff that actually hold a professional qualification in teaching. In fact I can't name one of lecturer who I work with on a regular basis who has had any formal training in the methods, rationale or successful teaching techniques. Yes I agree, they are absolute experts in their field and are much more knowledgeable than I even will be in their chosen subject, but put me in a room with them so I can watch them teach and it's like watching a car crash in action.

Most still believe writing on a board while the student copy down into their own note pads is a legitimate and successful method of imparting knowledge onto people, the students inevitably fail to perform as well as they deserve to, the lecturers are completely 'baffled' by the failing of students and their inability to grasp information and meeting usually descend into a discussion into 'How can the students be so stupid?;. I am absolutely dying to scream "...the students are failing because you are not TEACHING, you are TALKING at them and hoping something sticks..." alas, every attempt to suggest different ways of putting information across has been met with snarls of "...sorry, you're not really qualified to give that sort of advice" so I retreat back to my office, to console the students when they fail to assignment, work with them to get better, but can never put my name to any individual success of a student, because that's not my job.

4) All attempts to discuss my worries and concerns with my manager are met with "Oh, you're doing fabulous. You're a credit to the department" which to be honest, is all bullshit to keep me quiet. I have been told that non of the staff wanted me here to begin with, and they my role with teh department is purely so they can 'tick a box' and tell the Dean that they have a support tutor, I'm not used. Most of the staff will not recognise me as being remotely trained to deal with students, they refuse to refer students on to me as they clearly know better. I think the students are fantastic, they are very intellectual and eager to learn, but are let down by the system. Therefore I spend the majority of my days in my office, drinking tea of coffee, reading the news headlines, responding to student emails and speaking with students directly, but being ignored by staff and often twiddling my thumbs. For instance today, I have one meeting with my manager at 2.30pm, the rest of my day is completely empty. The students are on summer holidays as are the teaching staff. I have no jobs to do, no 'to do list' and have even brought in my book to keep me occupied. Yet I get out of bed every morning at 6am to sit in my office for 8 hours, alone, with no human contact, just to say I did.

I left a very stressful job as a full time teaching where the hours from 7am-9pm would fly past, often with too much work to be carried out in such an amount of time. I would have Friday evenings off but straight back to work on Saturday morning, marking, planning and preparing. It made me ill, tests showed it affected my fertility and I was crying regularly, and I don't regret leaving that position with that particular institution, but to go from that, to this....in short, I feel absolutely worthless.

5) I car share to work, and half the price of petrol for the journey. My monthly travel expenses are now £140, which is better than the £240 monthly train ticket to work. However, yesterday my car sharer informed me that she is moving to the city we work in, and won't be able to offer me a lift any more. This means my travel expenses will now jump back up to £240 a month. Add on to that Martins expenses of £140 a month and that £400 of our income that is gone straight away. It's almost getting to the point where I can't afford to work here any more.

Yet I can't leave, because at this stage of treatment there is no better position for me to be in. 

I enquired into a alternative position with the university this morning, I am qualified for the position, but not sure if office politics will prevent the enquiry from going any further. The pay scale is 2 grades higher than my current, which would mean a pay increase of between £4000 and £8000 a year. This would mean that travel costs wouldn't really be an issue.....fingers crossed.

To top off all of my manic ramblings, I was surprised to find I was bleeding yesterday. Not too heavy, but enough to warrant a tampon and fresh blood. I called the clinic and they said it was my period, 4 days after stopping cetrotide. Which I thought was odd, but who am I to argue. I have absolutely no pain what so ever, and this morning the bleeding has all but stopped. Rendering my mind officially fucked...