Here we go again...

AF finally arrived, with a vengeance, yesterday evening.

I'm now looking forward to a day snuggled up with a hot water bottle and painkillers. Our last "innocent" AF before IVF. 31 days until injections, scans, tests, waiting rooms and more scans begins...

I collect my drugs on January 10th and discuss things with our nurse, which if I'm honest seems a bit pointless, I've started the process once, I hope she doesn't make me practise injecting cardboard bedpans and mixing again.

I feel like I'm in a big rubber raft and I'm so close to the edge of the waterfall I'm starting to panic, part of me just wants an even bigger paddle so I can start paddling back the other way to calmer waters, the other half of me wants to just jump over the falls and get it over and done with and wait for the calmer water at the bottom.

2014 don't you DARE let me down!

Thanks brain...

Last night, for the first time in ages, I had one of those "IVF isn't going to work. You're never going to be a Mum" staring at the ceiling from 2.30am kinda nights. Needless to say sleep has evaded me for the majority of the night.

You'd be surprised how many times one woman can google "tenaculum and IVF success" or "clamped cervix and IVF" between the hours of 2.30am and 7am!! I wonder if there's a current record..??

Help!!!

Can't. Stop. Eating.


....or drinking.

Merry Christmas!!

Edit: AF hasn't arrived, it appeared to be a case of one of spotting. Great. So AF is now 4 days late, obviously only because this throws our IVF start date off.

Good bye 2013!!!

To say I can't wait to see the end of this year would be an understatement. It has been our annus horribilis, as Queenie would say.

We've had;

1) 7 month delay in treatment starting
2) Last New Years in hospital with stomach pain, which I now know was gallstones, but the hospital told me it was self inflicted as I had drank alcohol over Christmas with a known stomach ulcer
3) delayed start to IUI
4) cancellation of IUI and transfer straight to IVF
5) very successful start to our first IVF cycle
6) hospitalisation with severe liver infection caused by gallbladder misbehaving
7) indefinite wait for Gallbladder removal and all treatment on hold
8) another emergency admission to hospital with another severe liver infection and blocked duct - GALLBLADDER REMOVED!!

However, in the past 2 months things have started looking up.

1) Trip to North Africa
2) gallbladder gone!
3) new job, which so far I love.
4) start date for IVF número dos
5) birthday trip to Poland booked

So going into 2014 the future is looking a little brighter. Which is great! We have little over 5 weeks until IVF begins so my fingers are, obviously, tightly crossed.

Currently my body is having some sort of hormonal disaster. I'm 10 DPO, boobs are so painful and full I can't wear a bra, had AF cramps one and off for the past 5 days and my cervix is so painful sex is not possible. Obviously I'm not pregnant, but it's like my body is using it's left over supplies of progesterone to bring in the new year! I just want to put a bra on, body!

I read an extremely humbling blog post the other day, that I just had to share. It was written by one of our students at the medical school (she publicised her blog) who is battling her second cancer at the age of 25 (my age), and gives her view on the infertility she suffers because of her chemo and radiotherapy

"To add to the misery of this week, I started to have menstrual pain. I feel slightly awkward talking about this because I generally don't go around announcing my menstrual cycle to the world; however, one of the things I promised myself when I started this blog was to talk openly about the hard issues, the tough issues and yes, the slightly embarrassing/taboo issues. The other reason why I'm going to let you into this world is that it is relevant to the next stage of treatment and recovery. 

I've been on a tablet for the last nine months that stops the menstrual cycle; it effectively tricks your body into thinking that it is already pregnant, via hormones, so that the body doesn't ovulate again and bleed. I was on this tablet to avoid bleeding during the treatment as my blood counts were low and I would have obviously the intensity of the overall pain experience was compounded by the headache factor. 

After stopping the drug, the next step is to wait and see if the periods return. If they come back, it does not mean that I am fertile, but what it does mean is that my body is producing oestrogen and progesterone which is a good thing. Conversely, if they don't restart, then those hormones will not be produced. This is bad for two main reasons. Firstly, I will go into early menopause; and secondly I will be at high risk of osteoporosis at a young age. The treatment for this is Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). However, it is likely that even if I am producing those hormones, I will not be producing enough of them which will mean going onto HRT anyway. I have my reservations about HRT but there is no other alternative. In the next few weeks, I will be referred to the Early Menopause Clinic to start this discussion. 

This topic is one that I have tried not to think about since I made the decision not to go through egg harvesting. But, alas, it seems that the time has come to reopen this very painful can of worms. It was a hard and terrible decision to make. One of the reasons was because it felt, and to some extent still feels, like I was choosing to be infertile rather than take the risk to at least have a chance to have children of my own.  I still feel numb talking about this subject because it is so overwhelming and heartbreaking. But I know as time goes by, I will start to grieve again little by little and find healing in the process. 

I absolutely adore children. I know that adoption will be the way forward and I know that I will love that child completely but there is still sadness that lingers. I feel this most when I see my beautiful niece on the odd occasion. I love her and I love seeing her, I wish I could see her more. But it is always bitter sweet. That is when the emotion rises, even just thinking about her brings me to tears as it has done now. I find myself shouting at God, telling Him that He knows perfectly well how much I love children. He knows I would teach them about Him, introduce them to Him and His great Love. He knows that I would be a good mother. So why is it that He would see fit to take that gift away from me at such a young age and allow child abusers to have babies left, right and centre? 

I was thinking about all the women in the Bible who were barren. For quite a number of them, God blessed them with children when all hope was lost. People say this too me to try and encourage me. It doesn't, in fact it's rather annoying. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I already know and believe that God works against all the odds. Secondly, having a blood born child is not my idol. I have submitted my life and my will to God because I trust Him and I know, from a lot of experience that His way is the best way. So if it is His will for me to be barren, then so be it. It hurts, but I trust Him way more than it hurts. 

I bring up these Biblical women because there is another side to the story that I think is overlooked. When the women are sorrowful, it is always, I think, in relation to not being able to give their husband a child, not the fact that they themselves are barren. Invariably, I would take the perspective that their sorrow was mainly due to their status and identity as a women that was prominent in that time and culture. But I see it differently now. I feel their pain. I mourn with them. It is not about status or womanhood. It's not about carrying on the family name. I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it. I then wondered to myself if I would think of or love my husband less if the situation was reversed. Absolutely not. But somehow, the thought of not being able to give my husband a child is equally as painful as knowing that I can't have any children. I don't know but maybe it's something to do with, what has happened to me is also affecting him. But then, isn't that what happens in marriage; you are one? Maybe is a small reflection of the part of me that wants to protect others from the hurt and pain that has so burdened me; I don't want to go through this, but I certainly don't want anyone else to be affected because of this. Maybe it's knowing that I wont be able to share a child with him? I don't know. I'm just speculating, but not too well, its hard to see clearly through the tears.

Even though the pain is still present now and intense; deep down, I think I know the answer. Adoption is at the centre of Gods' heart. We are His children because He adopted us. I've always asked Him to share more of His heart with me, and haven't always like the result. Maybe what has happened is bigger than I can see right now, maybe the plan is much bigger than what my current circumstances are at the moment. Maybe God will give me a house full of children; each one saved from an abusive home and redeemed in a loving family. Maybe, just maybe. What do children who have a terrible start to life need? The need love. They need to be taught and introduced to God and His love for them. What they need is a good mother"

Stari died on December 18th 2013 of her illness. What a slap back into reality.

A very happy and healthy Christmas and New year to all the friends who have stood by me unconditionally and provided support during the darkest of days. Whether you are still battling infertility or are facing the new battle of motherhood after infertility, you have all my love for 2014.

Xxxx

Finally Apple comes through!

I got so excited by this discovery I needed to share! 

Throughout my life I've often received texts from ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, random numbers etc...and me and my friends have often wondered if there is a block mechanism, and we're told the phone company can block but that's about it.

Well I recently learnt that the newest iphone update means you can block contacts from calling and texting...COMPLETELY! 

The only downside to this is the person you've blocked has no idea you've blocked them, all of their messages send as usual etc...so when I accidentally blocked my friend, neither her not I realised until she confronted me about not responding to her messages. 

The simple things in life provide me with such pleasure. 

In they news it's my last week at work before the Christmas break and I'm exhausted, ill and just simply worn out. So excited for the break. Still no tree up in the house and still not Christmas presents bought....I do this every year! We literally have this coming Saturday to get everyone's gifts and that's it...wish me luck!! 

Xx

Life is full of surprises

I have been panicking so much about work and IVF that I've barely slept all weekend. After waking up this morning, having only slept 60-90mins at a time, I decided enough was enough and I HAD to get it off my chest before I made myself poorly.

I walked into the office at 8.45 and after taking off my coat and loading up my computer, strolled over to my bosses desk and asked if she had a minute so I could chat with her about something. Off we went to the private office and I explained that we had been TTC for, nearing 4 years, IVF was now our only option and we were due to begin in February (I told a little white lie and said I didn't know until this weekend)

...and after all my panic? My stand in manager is just starting her first cycle of IVF and was actually having her baseline bloods taken this morning before coming into work.

I can take as much time as I need, and she's given me her mobile number so I can let her know about my absence at short notice. She explained these were hospital appointments, so I wouldn't be expected to use any of my holiday entitlement and to take time to deal with the psychological, as well as physical aspects of treatment. I told her I was hoping to take as little time off as possible, and she said I would need at least a week after my EC as she wouldn't expect me to travel in after that.

Massive relief is an understatement.

The second countdown begins...

After a very hectic 3 weeks in my new job, I finally had a quiet-ish afternoon yesterday and my mind turned to IVF and breaking it to the new boss.

Deep down I know they're going to be really unhappy about treatment and time off (I had to take a days holiday for a dental appointment...) and I also don't currently have a manager. My manager left the day I started, and her replacement isn't starting until March 3rd, which will be after our first cycle.

My new manager has previously worked for the company, and doesn't have a good reputation...and he's a man, who apparently hates working with woman and has had complaints placed against him from female employees in the past (How he has been re-employed I don't know!) so needless to say, I'm not overly keen on how he's going to react to my baby-challenged ways. Sigh.

Given that I only have a 'stand in' manager until then, and I don't really want an office full of people I barely know knowing all about treatment, I've skipped the middle men and gone straight to our head of HR for some 'confidential' advice. I'm waiting to hear back from her...

I'm getting more panicky about this, so I think next week I'll finally tell people. They do have an IVF policy anyway, which claims the university prides itself on being 'sensitive' and 'empathetic' to those going through fertility treatments...lets see!

This lead me to getting the calendar out this morning and calculating that if AFs are on time (fingers crossed they have been so far) that IVF begins in 6 weeks! ARGH only 6 weeks!!! I have 2 weeks left at work, then 10 days off for Christmas, then I return to work on 3rd January and IVF is due to start around the 28th. This is going to go so quickly.

I've also calculated the if it works, baby briggs will have an EDD of 4th November 2014, and I will be eligible for maternity pay and 52 weeks off work with a job to return to...although I'm trying to keep  pessimistic edge to this....honest :)

What day/time/year is it?!

Week 2 in my new job and I have never been so busy.

I haven't had one lunch break this week, yesterday I went from 6.50am until 6.30pm without good, drink or a wee. But I'm really enjoying it!!!

I have SO many new responsibilities that I have to learn from scratch (looking after a £20000 budget, paying tutors, hiring clinicians as tutors, looking after tutors, organising the world etc...) and I'm absolutely convinced they're going to sack me got not being as good as my predecessor, but I processed my first set of successful payments today and had a lot more communications with students so I feel a little happier.

So far I haven't met one person who isn't so very nice. Honestly. As it's a medical school most of the people I work with are also fully practising doctors/gynaecologists/surgeons/GPs/anaesthetists and they are the loveliest and friendliest people I have ever met whilst working in education, and in my eyes they are the only ones I've worked with who would have the right of acting a little 'above' others. I spent a few hours in a meeting with 10 clinicians yesterday and in between laughing and joking about baking and drinking they were taking calls and talking about patients and treatment plans and this medication and that medication and I felt like the STUPIDEST person in the world!

Happy. Exhausted. Content.

Now it haunts my dreams?!

It's been a while since I had a nightmare (if that's what you would call this) but I woke up from one this morning.

It was the 10 days of injections leading up to egg collection for IVF, and I had been doing my injections, having bloods taken etc...and arrived at the clinic for my final scan to see how many we had. After waiting for a while I received a text saying "sorry, you're treatment cycle for the month of February has been cancelled. Please call at reception to re-arrange". I ran to reception and one of the ladies told me it was cancelled because I arrived at 8.32 and not 8.30 so they would treat me. I was then handed a peice of paper that said we had 17 eggs and 2 embryos (good logic there dream Steph?!) and they would be put in the bin and as this was my second cancelled cycle we were now not eligible for treatment.

The rest of my dream was that awful feeling of trying to do something but you can't, you know? Usually in these situations I'm running and keep falling over, well in this instance I was flicking throughy my clinic contacts to find my doctors number, but when I did I couldn't read it, like I was badly drunk.

I feel a bit out of it now. Maybe the IVF process IS playing on my mind more than I thought?

So ready for 2014 - I've already mentioned that if two IVF cycles fail that's it for us, we're stopping TTC completely and moving onto travel and adoption. We have to set a point, with unexplained we could be doing this for  the next 15 years and still never have a child or know why. We need to protect our mental health,. So by June 2014 we'll know what route out lives are going to take a little more.

My first week of work went really well, but so much to learn. I have 3 assisstants who are all much older than me and I feel really weird about it. They're all so nice though I can't complain. I'm not sure what my mental well being status is currently, still working on it. Christmas is always tough for a variety of reasons, so the next month will allow me to see if any of my treatment methods are working.

My counsellor has given me this mantra I have to say, read and believe,

"If I have children my life  will be able to take the path I had planned, but if I don't that's still OK. Life has more than one path,"

I  can read it and say it, believing it is another matter!

Excitement!

My new job starts tomorrow, I'm so excited nervous it's like I'm going on holiday! I have 3 weeks of meetings to get my head around the conference at the start of December. That's a little terrifying!

In other news Martin has an interview for a position at the university ACROSS THE ROAD from my campus working in the finance division. Obviously, he might not get the job, but if he does it's a £5000 a year salary increase and we can travel in and from work together meaning our travel costs will be slashed. Given 2013, I think it's about time we had some good luck!

In other news, welcome to the world Cora-Jane Ellen Williams!! When you're old enough your Mummy can explain to you how someone hundreds of miles away sobbed buckets when you were born. You are loved beyond words and give hope <3

I need more Post-IF births!! I never EVER thought I could look at a baby photo and fill with pride unless it was mine, alas I was wrong! A 'normal' birth and I'll steer well clear, but show me a LTTTC-er and their newborn and I could not be more proud if I tried!

Edit: Jesus Christ woman stop writing post from your phone early in a morning, your grammar and spelling is becoming unforgivable!

Positivity is practically oozing from my pores...

Yep, still me.

I suppose a mixture of counselling, drugs, lifestyle changes, relationship changes etc...have all amounted to life seeming a little bit better. Compared to 2 months ago I am practically a unicorn on acid walking around the house.

I was at the hospital yesterday to arrange the surgery to have my two retained roots removed after the nightmare tooth extraction. I completed all the paperwork with the nurse and was booked in for 9am on Friday 13th December, and was just asked to wait 10minutes to meet the anaesthetist so they could check my veins. 45 minutes later a doctor approached me in the waiting room and asked if I would follow her into one of the consultation rooms. She had spotted my x-ray on the computer screen, and in her opinion the two roots didn't need to be removed at all, and infact they were structurally, better left in my jaw to keep everything 'straight'. She said there was a slight shadow under one of my roots which she feared was an infection, but agreed that if I had another x-ray and it all looked good no surgery was needed.

Well yesterdays x-ray still showed shadowing, which sadly, means they have to monitor them regularly to see if/when they need to be removed. She said it was 'infection' but discharged me from the hospital and asked me to request x-rays from my own dentist every 6 months and he would keep an eye on it. Surely it can't be THAT serious then, right? Plus, 3 weeks ago I was on a strict regime of 3 different IV antibiotics every 3 hours for 3 days, including metronidozole which is the one my dentist prescribed me post extraction horro. If it WAS an infection, wouldn't it have either a)gone or b) grown since its now 6 months since any tests? Who am I to judge, I am certainly no doctor!

Speaking of doctors I start my new job on Monday. Argh! I spoke with my manager yesterday to organise my first day and the first few weeks, and I was informed that I shouldn't plan to do anything on the 4th or 5th of December as I will be chairing a national student support conference....Great. Sure. That gives me LOADS of time to prepare....

Anyway in prep I bought some grown up 'power clothes' and heels especially for the new job. I'm so fancy now.

I'm currently in complete and utter emotional turmoil and have had approximately 3 hours sleep after a wonderful friend told me that something she had been dreaming for and working towards for so long was finally on the cusp of happening. Normally I wouldn't be so emotionally invested in such an activity, but I've learnt the hard way that there are too many fair-weather friends around, and she certainly isn't one of them. She's been my rock, and I couldn't be prouder. <3

The countdown

Just out if our baby doctor appointment. Did I mention we love our doctor? She laughed and gasped and comforted at all the correct points while I was relaying our gallstone drama. She said "imagine the diagnostic nightmare we would have had if your gallbladder had gone after you had triggered! We'd be thinking OHSS they'd be testing everything else " (I never thought of that!)

Anyway...IVF 1.5 is booked in and we're ready to go week beginning 3rd February 2014. That's 2 AFs away and gives me a good amount of time to tell my new manager about treatment. There's no way they can for a woman just for doing IVF, is there?

February 2014 it is!

Where are you coming from??!!!

I've just been searching my usual morning websites, BBC News, work email, personal email, Facebook, Buzzfeed and Twitter...and then out of NO WHERE a female voice starts playing out of my mac speakers

"I've been a midwife for 34 years, and I'm here to give you advice on what to pack in your hospital bag when you're preparing to have your baby"

WHAT?! VOICE, WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM, AND WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL?!!!

The end result was I have to close down every webpage I had open, and I never did find the source of this devil woman...

Friday morning musings....

My blog titles are getting less and less inventive...I think I need some more ideas from Jess??

Ta-dah!!

You wouldn't believe how much better my 'wounds' have gotten in the past 48 hours! (Sorry for the extra large picture, it's difficult to actually see them any smaller!) As you can see, I have 4 now very small pink scars/scabby areas were the incisions were, and if you look at my stomach overall you can barely notice they are there at all! I'm honestly astounded by how they do it! People keep asking to see my 'surgery scars' and then I show them the usual response is "Oh....is that it?! but telling them "This is where they pulled it out of my bellybutton" usually gets a reaction!

I'd say I'm almost back to full strength too! My digestive system is all out of sync (after saying how lucky I was with food mere days ago, bah!) and lots of foods are upsetting it slightly. I seem to be developing the 'trouble digesting fats' problem that is common after Lap Choleys The other evening we were VERY bad, and had fish and chips for tea. God did I regret that almost immediately, it felt like I was having another gallstone attack and I spent the rest of the night throwing up. Not doing that again in a hurry! Chocolate is also upsetting my tummy, as is too much tea and coffee and generally anything with cheese on it. Good for the diet I suppose, but I don't like to venture too far away from my own toilet for about 90 minutes after a meal! 

I really need to get back to the diet too, so I need to start being good with food! I need to loose about 7pounds to get back to my personal 'ideal weight'. Sigh. When my stomach was at its absolute worse I was about 12lbs lighter than I am now, and I would LOVE to get back down to that weight, but in order to get there I hadn't eaten a full meal for around 2-3 months and was throwing up almost everything I did eat...I believe in the medical world this is referred to as  bulimia so that isn't a diet strategy I'm in a hurry to repeat anytime soon! Plus, when looking at photos of me when I was my 'lightest' weight, I have to admit I do look a little ill. 

My current problem with loosing my 7lbs is that being wrapped up in cosy woolly jumpers in front of the fire, does not make me want to tuck into a nice hearty...salad! Its cold and wintery and I want to eat wholesome british meals, shepherds pies, roast dinners, sausage and mash, bubble and squeak, pies, pies and anything that is wrapped in pastry and smothered in gravy! Again, I know full well how to make perfectly healthy and low fat versions of these, but to be blunt, I can't be arsed! In the summer I was wearing lighter clothing, shorts, dresses etc...and my figure was clearly visible so I felt more motivated to eat low fat and spend 30mins every evening doing sit ups....now Im wrapped up in a jumper and nobody could possibly tell where I end and the wool begins, my motivation levels are zero. Better pull my finger out and shift some of these pounds before Christmas, after all this is my first christmas 'tummy healthy' in 3 years, I have a shit load of eating to make up for. Hurrah!!

In other news my counselling session are going well. I always feel like there is a weight lifted when I leave the room, and I also feel like I'm less crazy. My counsellor is telling me I need to stop putting other peoples feelings before my own, but thats easier said than done. 

We have our appointment with our baby doctor (as she's referred to in our house) at 9am on Monday morning. Speaking with Suzanne (counsellor) on Wednesday, she agrees that Christmas is a bad time for IVF (so much so, she strongly feels December should be a no treatment month due to the amount of emergency cases she has when failures occur around Christmas) and she believes that Dr.Jivraj won't allow us to do IVF until end of Feb/March in order for me to be fully healed from surgery and waiting times taken into account. I spoke with my favourite nurse who told me my internal stitches will probably take around 3-4 months to fully heal, and with IVF they will be bloating me up, poking and prodding me etc...and they won't do anything until they're 100%. Which, to be honest, was a huge relief. I'd been loosing sleep thinking about IVF and when to have it, how to balance it with a new job, how to tell my new manager etc...and now the decision has been made for me, hopefully. Watch this space for an update after our appointment on Monday!

My final random musing - As I mentioned previously, Marts and I will be attending a festival in June. Aerosmith will be closing the 3 day festival on the final evening. Is it wrong that I think Steve Tyler and Joe Perry are hot?! 

Hair - Taken by the patio doors in an attempt to squeeze ANY natural light out of the situation (it's raining and frosty outside, brrrr) Its also on day 2 of dry shampoo because I'm a lazy cow, not as bright as it will be when washed! 

I'm nearing 26. I can only wish that one day my face will match my age group. 

2014 vs 2013

In order for 2014 to be different, and for things to improve, not just materialistic things like job, financial stability etc...but my actual mental health, other things need to change. One of these things being the people I allow to be in my life and the people, who so far, I have allowed to affect the way I feel about myself, and have been upset, cried and often taken personal hits and days to recover from simple comments of conversations, simply because I have a tendency to not want to upset people by coming out and saying "you know what, what you've said to me/done to me/implied is actually quite a shitty thing to do. This is my reason why, and I'm rather upset by it"

I just don't. Maybe it's because I'm British?! I will discuss with close friends and Martin things that have upset me, but I like my apple cart to remain straight and standing with all contents still inside. The past 2-3 months of depression has taught me that in order for 2014 to get better, I need to stop this. So I will, and I will be making changes where needed.

This is a post NOT aimed at certain individuals, before I start received messages from people, in fact some of the people that I regularly balance the apple cart with have no knowledge of this blogs existence. It's my blog, it helps me, and isn't written for anyone else benefit.

I'm 25, I have a very happy and successful marriage, I've got 2 degrees, I've worked hard to get into a professional industry for employment and as far as I'm concerned, at 25 with nearing 4 years infertility under my belt, one miscarriage and the past years mishaps, I'm doing OK. I try my hardest, and always have, to be as supportive and present in my friends lives as I possibly can. When my IVF was cancelled I was absolutely destroyed, mentally and physically, but still made sure I was there mere days later to be with friends who had arranged an event, put on my best brave face, was 'happy' 'chatty' and everything that was needed from me.

Over the past 2 months my mental health has been the worst it ever has, but I've always tried my hardest to keep up with friends, attend get togethers, weekend parties, text and be enthusiastic about new jobs, new homes, relationship problems, medical problems, offer my advice, assistance and a shoulder to cry on, when at home I am crying for hours a day, often thinking thoughts I'm not proud of, and getting professional help for my own psychological well being, and often not receiving the same in return. That's perfectly s fine, i don't act in a particular way just so I can be offered the same back, I never have.

But after a particular 'episode' recently I decided enough was enough. I can't do it. I can't try my hardest to be 'there' and offer support to the best that I am able to, and still be made to feel terrible and still be sat crying about comments that are made, texts I receive, voicemails I get. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who aren't worth the tears.

I've tried my best to do what I can, many say I'm wise beyond my years. I often feel I am. At 25 I think I'm not doing 'too bad'  but think people forget that.

I've already had a very tough conversation with some people, and more are to come.  I need to look after me and my family and my possible family unit, and if people make me feel bad after trying my best, then they will be deleted from the equation,

What's that saying, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem? That's the one :)

After the last few days, boy am I glad to be seeing my counsellor on a few hours to unload! I need lots of tissues and then I will return home and knit.

Edit: In other news I have dyed my hair a nice shade of orange-red and changed energy suppliers, that's a good start to a new year, right?

Planning for life, when life isn't going the way you planned.

How are you supposed to do anything?

With the end of 2013 approaching I can safely say that 2014 just HAS to be better. My surgery has been done, I'm recovering well, I have a new permanent job with all the benefits that come along with it, we're better of financially and we can start getting back on track with fertility treatment.

Looking at the calendar my cycle is now running at starting during the first few days of the month, so IVF will be either the start of February or the start of March, depending on what we decide as a couple. February is a short month and I know that the new term starting in January means getting time off for appointments will be difficult, so at the minute we're leaning towards the Feb/March sort of time, which sounds a long way off, but it's actually only 2-3 AF's away.

Whenever Christmas and birthdays roll around, I always prefer to buy 'experiences' rather than 'stuff' for Martin, so I usually arrange for us to go away somewhere, see one of our favourite bands etc...so yesterday for Christmas, I bought us two tickets to next years Download Festival (A big rock/alternative festival) which we've always wanted to go to together. The dates for this are 13th, 14th and 15th of June so by this point we'll be out of treatment whatever the outcome.

Best case scenario is that on the 13th of June I could be around 12 weeks pregnant, or less if we move onto a second IVF (or obviously not at all, in which case I will spend the weekend in a muddy field with an alcohol drip). I know that I can't put life on hold 'just incase', and that I will still attend the festival even if I am pregnant (we're staying in a nearby hotel, not on the camp site!) but I know for a fact that people will have strong opinions on attending while pregnant, so what are you supposed to do for the best?

Do you put life on hold and wait for a result before picking up again, or do you carry on as normal and just let anything treatment wise go on in the sidelines?

I can't make this my life anymore, it's not healthy. I can't become so obsessed with treatment and IVF that it becomes who I am, but at the same time it is who I am whether I like it or not....

Hmmmmm

My bellybutton hurts

It really does. My bandages are off and I have a 1 1/2 inch incision right on the bottom inside of my belly button, it's a lovely shade of yellow and it HURTS like a bitch whenever it is touched. Since I sit down, wear clothes and exist, thats quite a lot. Boo!

I felt like I needed to get back into my blogging, but since my days since leaving hospital have been spent having in depth, deep conversations with my cats and knitting, I don't have much to write about.

AF arrived on Tuesday (a week late) so I was contending with internal surgery discomfort and AF cramps for a few days. To say I was a bit grouchy would be an understatement! But if she had arrived on time I would have been waking up from surgery with AF which would have been worse!

Today I had a shower on my own for the first time since leaving hospital, that was exciting. I also shaved my lady garden for the first time in 2 whole weeks! Let me tell you, that was quite a mission! Although I have to admit, nothing bets putting on a nice new underwear when everything is smooth. Ha. Next post-surgery mile stone - Sex. The last time we had sex it was on another continent....times are getting tough. I have to wait 2 weeks after surgery before 'sexual relations' are recommended, thats a week away. Lets see if we make it....(please god I hope not)

See...thats just how dull my life is becoming an I still have another 6 days at home before I go back to work (for 5 days, then I leave, yes!)

Expect even more bizarre and pointless posts to come....

<3 xx

6 days post surgery

...and I'm slowly getting there. But very frustrated that I can't do more yet. But I'm OK.

I feel more bruised everyday, and I look more bruised everyday, but I don't need as many painkillers and my Tramadol has run out so its probably a good job!

Here is my patch work tummy (haha, excuse the boob shot!);

Look how round my tummy is! This was taken about 4 days ago, and I'm almost as 'flat' as normal now, but until today my tummy has been really big and swollen. I probably gained a good 4-6inchs following surgery. During surgery they pump your stomach full of CO2 so the surgeon can see what he's doing, then they try to take as much out as possible before stitching you up, but obviously can't get it all, so it takes around 7 days for the extra gas to 'escape' the body normally!! 

I have a large incision in my belly button, where they actually pulled out the gallbladder and inserted the large camera, this is the sorest wound and the one with the biggest bruise. Until you have a painful belly button, you don't realise how many of your clothes sit across it, rub on it, how you bend etc...hundreds of times a day. Its hurts!! I'm living in leggings and jeggings as anything harder would be impossible. The one immediately above my belly button is about an inch long and right on my bra line, very annoying again! I have one bra which has a 'loose' fastening which I can wear, but my favourite perky boob bras are a no go. 

The two on my right side are healing well, but annoying. Another small 1 inch incision which has an external stitch which is SO ITCHY, and the large bandage is covering my 'open wound' where they inserted my drainage tube. This was horrible to look at as it wasn't closed or anything, so the first night of changing that bandage we actually just looked as a wide half inch hole going straight into my abdomen. It's scabbing over well so doing ok. 

I can sit more comfortably now, but can't yet sleep laying on my side which is getting annoying. Gravity pulls at my belly button wound in an unnatural way and i feel 'twisted' inside. 

I cant bend down to pick things up, and use my stomach muscles for much at all, but feel OK, so I'm just getting annoyed sitting around the house. I have another 9 days at home before I go back to work, so hopefully by then I'll feel back to 100%. 

I'm eating normally too, well staying away from very fatty foods but have eaten normal meals and my digestive system seems absolutely fine! Fingers crossed! I've been told after gallbladder surgery it's hit and miss about what foods you can and cannot digest. Some people find they can go straight back to normal, some find they can't tolerate some foods anymore...so lets see how that goes. 

Back on to the 'infertility' aspect of things, AF is now 4 days late, but after all the drugs, antibiotics, surgery etc...I would imagine that is more to blame for her late arrival than anything else! We have an appointment with the Fertility Clinic on November 11th to discuss IVF, which we though we would be cancelling, but we can actually attend now!! Now we have the difficult decision of IVF and how to move forward....difficult because I have landed myself a brand new job, which I start on November 18th. 

This is a permanent job, better money, closer to home and a lot less money on travel being one of the managers of the student support departments at Leeds University Medical School with lots more opportunities to move 'up'.. I'm so excited to start this job. Given the state of the UK at the minute finding a permanent job is almost impossible but I now have one, which means I actually get, and are fully paid, for any maternity leave I need to take in the future. This is something we never thought we would have so we are actually in a good financial position to have a baby. Gosh, I never thought I would say that. 

The clinic want me to be fully healed before they will even contemplate IVF as no painkillers or antibiotics can be taken during a cycle, so we wouldn't be able to start in November, and possibly even December. Personally, even if we had the option I couldn't do IVF in December. I struggle at Christmas at the best of times, I could not handle an IVF failure with Christmas and New Year coming up, so for us, December is out. By January I will be 3 months post surgery and should be physically able to start IVF, but I will only be 2 months into my new role. I never thought I would say this, ever, but I don't know if I want to postpone for another month to get settled and feel more comfortable before asking for days off. I know I know, people will curse me for this, people will judge us dreadfully for this, what can I say. We've been waiting for so so long for this, we've gone through treatments knowing that we would financially struggle if they worked due to my job, now we have the option of choosing to wait an extra month of so before going back into IVF for the security of a job and money coming into the household if we ever do become parents. It's a tough thing to decide. 

I am personally learning towards February IVF start. My cycle at the minute will be the end of the month, I will be in my new role for 3 months, everything will be settled after Christmas, we'll be a little better off financially with my new wage and I'll feel more comfortable approaching my new manager and explaining the situation and asking for a few hours off for a few days out of the month. The university I will be working for have a special fertility treatment policy in place, and I know they can't judge me based on my IVF or anything else, I would just feel more comfortable. 

But at the same time I'm dying to get back to everything....I just don't know. I might break down one day and confess all to my manager, who knows. Maybe the clinic won't even let me do any treatment for 3 months after surgery?!

But the main thing is my gallbladder is out (I have gallstones on the fireplace as proof!), I'm going to learn and take up knitting while I'm home, I'm starting a new job, and we can actually begin to start thinking about IVF again. 

Things are looking up :)

So, it's out!

Only a short one, even though I have tons and tons to write about. I've only been home from the hospital for around 2hours, have just taken my dose of painkillers so am a little woozy and not with it. But, the gallbladder has gone!!

On Sunday evening, 3 mere days after returning from North Africa, I had the worst gallstone attack I've had ever. I tried to wait it out, but ended up being driven to the hospital. Martin made the tough decision to drive to the hospital which was further away, but where my surgeon was based, and if he hadn't I probably wouldn't have had the surgery.

I arrived at A&E at around 8.30pm and was asked to wait for a doctor. At 12am we were finally seen. The doctor was lovely, took some bloods and I explained it was gallstones (to which she asked "how do you know?") and what had happened. 1hour later my bloods were back and I did indeed have an infection and my liver function readings were sky high, so I was admitted straight away.

The first surgeon who came to speak to me explained I needed an ultrasound and an MRI, then they would operate within 6 weeks. The second surgeon who came to see me said they would operate before I went home, which planted the seed.

The following morning my own surgeon came by my bed, and said once my liver function tests were normal I could go home and he would send me a date for surgery. I simply looked at him and said "can I not have I done before I go home? It's ruining my life" to which he responded "I suppose so. We'll do it this afternoon!"

At 5pm I was wheeled down to surgery, petrified Im not afraid to admit. I was given oxygen, a strong painkiller (which made me not be able to see straight within seconds) and then the anaesthetic. The next thing I know I'm in recovery, I'm quite a lot of pain, crying, and being looking after by three very lovely nurses. After 7 syringes of morphine, more crying (which in turn hurt my stomach, so was a vicious cycle) a long conversation and one of the nurses experience of IVF (she had three rounds, non successful. She has a faulty pituitary and doesn't produce any female hormones at all) and I was back on the ward.

I don't remember seeing my Dad and Martin by my bed, but I've been told I wasn't really "with it" and I was mostly concerned that the surgeon has removed my pants.

Now I'm home, all bandaged up, with 4 small incisions in my abdomen. Small, but painful. I will be resting for 2 weeks and then normal life will resume. Very happy. Very relieved. Life can now get back on track.

Next entry will include; my continued recovery, new job and our amazing trip to Tunisia.

SURGERY DATE!!!

Liar liar pants on fire! No surgery date...made you read though :) 

Still plodding on. AF arrived 5 days early with some sort of fiery vengenace, on the plus side it means my fertile week this month will be holiday week. Hurrah! Even though I'm not doing OPKs are anything like that, holidays means guaranteed sex so there is no pressure. 

I had my counselling session yesterday and have been 'prescribed' a book as homework before my next appointment, I was thinking my holiday reading would be something easy and light hearted, but instead I will be getting stuck into my new copy of 'Conquering Infertility'. I'm sure I'll get some dodgy looks on the beach with that one!! 

I told the counsellor yesterday that nothing frustrates me more than when people don't acknowledge the possibly of there never being a 'happy ending' to our journey. Like "Oh you WILL get there eventually" or "When you have a family you'll forget all about this" (Ha, yeah right!) and she raised her eyebrows and said it was very unusual for her to actually have a patient acknowledge that not everyone does get a happy ending, and most of her time is spent discussing the need for an alternative plan with couples, and she believe it very healthy for me to have this frame of mind. Wasn't what I was expecting!

I'm in an OK mood today, 13 days until Tunisia which means I can start seeing the weather forecast for our first day !!

Remember me?

Its been a very long time since I updated, at least in Steph terms anyway. Partly because I have had nothing to say.

Things have been...erm...bad. I'm not feeling to great with everything at the moment so I've not been in much of a mood for chitter chatter on here.

I'm still in limbo, no surgery date for my cholecystectomy, no communication of how long I have left to wait. I can't, realistically, see the fertility specialist until after surgery (as there is nothing to discuss before..) so we still don't know if we have funding, lost funding etc... work is, frankly, shit. I leave this place most days just thankful I've gotten through without throwing sharp objects at people. I think describing my current state of existence as floating between two islands is fairly apt.

My mood and depression has meant I can't stand to be around or converse with many people who aren't Martin. He gets it, he's the only one who gets it, so it makes sense to stay grounded to him, right?

On the other hand we will be jetting off for 7 days here...

...in exactly 20 days. To say I'm mildly excited would be an understatement. At the minute my excitement for Tunisia is sort of managing to sugar coat everything else. I'm slightly worried about the immediate holiday blues that are sure to follow. I'm already dreading coming home and we haven't even gone yet! 

Our 2nd wedding anniversary is on October 26th and we've booked to go to Dublin for the weekend, so thats another thing to look forward to. :)

After than we have to just wait until 2014, and hope that we can get back on track with TTC. I had a month of using OPKs but I just can't do it. I knew I was ovulating this week and I intentionally avoided sex for the 5 days leading up to, and the 5 days following, realistically after 3.5years getting pregnant naturally is a one in a million, I'm not going to put myself through the trauma of AF arriving for one in a million, I had 2.5 years of that shit!!

I'm hoping that my next update comes sooner and is titled something like "SURGERY DATE!!!". Fingers crossed!

 

It comes around so quick.

September 4th. 2 years since our miscarriage.

I can't believe it's 2 years later and here we are.

Yesterday I read a piece on my new favourite blog (The Infertility Therapist), whereby she tries to describe infertility and what it's like.

She said that having infertility, as a disease, is like falling down a lift/elevator shaft, but at a painfully slow pace. It's all very dark and you can't see where you're going, nor how far you've come. You know that eventually you will reach the bottom, but while you're falling you have no idea how long it will be before you get there. Weeks, months, years or never. You may meet other people who are also in the lift shaft, but all moving at different speeds. Some will reach the bottom quickly, some will move slower than you, but it doesn't matter because while you're free failing in the dark, you simply do not possess the ability to see the end. More importantly, when you do reach the end, it's just as important to remember that there are still people in free fall and without knowing what speed they're travelling, you can't offer and insight into their fall.

I felt that was a very fitting description.

Blog recommendation

While trying to find the phone number for the counsellor at our clinic, google presented me with a link to some blog called "The Infertility Therapist".

I've only read a few posts so far, but felt so strongly about it I needed to write here immediately and recommend it to my friends. The background is this lady struggled with infertility, and also happens to be an infertility counsellor. She now has 3 children (I know one was through FET) and she blogs from both points of view. An infertile woman yet to have children, an infertile woman who is now pregnant, and an infertile parent (oxymoron, but I think thats a good description)

This particular post was very fitting for me at the moment, and discusses 'fertility envy' and the break down of relationships between friends and family when fertile and infertile come together.

http://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/fertility-envy-infertility-and.html

Worth a read. I shall be spending the afternoon reading through this and maybe learning a thing or two.

I know I'm going through a tough time at the moment, but the following post reduced me to tears in my office

http://theinfertilitytherapist.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/top-tips-for-surviving-infertility_23.html

p.s to all my friends, I apologies profusely for my lack of contact and general shit-ness at responding to texts or PMs. I wish I had an excuse, I'm just sorting myself out and normal service will, hopefully, resume shortly. x

Flounder

When I was tiny my favourite Disney film was The Little Mermaid. My uncle took me to see it when I was 2 years old (yep, I'm a young'un) and I slept all the way through it.

Flounder was one of my favourite characters, so it seem quite fitting now that flounder is the best possible way to describe how I'm doing. How I'm coping? I'm not.

I've written moany posts before, I've written posts when I'm pissed off before. This is different. I'm bit pissed off, I'm not just moany, I'm floundering. I don't see the point in life. I'm stuck. I have a disease which needs to he treated and a medical team that won't perform surgery, and another disease that means I may never have children that can't be treated. How can anyone EVER be ok with that?! I just want one child. Just one. I will never want for more. I just want to experience pregnancy once. The kicking, the scans, the excitement. Just once. I don't need any more than that.

If I can't do that, what's the point in me existinrg, honestly? I'm floundering. I've never, ever, felt so low in my entire life.

11dpo

....and AF arrives.

Fuck this.

I KNEW I shouldn't start doing OPKs again. We had tons of sex around ov, I mean tons. All bases covered. Of course I was stupid enough to convince myself I was in with a chance. Fuck this.

I shouldn't have to do this.

Back into my hole. Ignoring the world and everything in it.

Morning

I'm still alive and kicking, just having a very quiet couple of weeks.

I'm sure people can understand why i'm still so very down at the moment, and thanks to all of you who have sent me messages just to say hello.

Spending some much needed time with my greatest achievement (Martin, not my 1 mile swimming badge) and planning the next few months.

I'm still reading all of your blogs, keep em coming!

Food poisoning

Is not fun.

Poor Martin having a way worse time with it than me.

On the plus we got to spend the day in bed watching Game of Thrones.

A break anytime soon would be nice, please?

Decided to give the hospital a call this morning to chase up my surgery date, it can't hurt can it?

Remember I was told last week that it would be 8-10 weeks for surgery, which would take me to around November, which sucks as our lives are on hold until then, but it wasnt too bad as we had the holiday and anniversary to look forward to in the mean time.

Well, I was just informed this morning that "It will be a while yet, closer to 18 weeks" as since last week I was down-graded to 'Non-emergency'.

Non-Emergency?! I was admitted and spent 3 days on a shitty hospital ward hooked up to a drip under going test after test and have a severely diseased organ in me which doesn't work, and have been told an attack WILL happen again, but they don't know when, and I'm fine to leave for 18 weeks? What do I need to do, to have it done sooner?

18 weeks

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

18 Weeks takes us up to the end of December. Can you imagine having surgery around Christmas, not to mention we were planning on starting IVF in the New Year.


That isn't going to happen

Edit: A good friend of mine suggested I call the IVF Clinic to discuss it with them, which was very sensible advice. (Thank you)

So I called Assisted Conception Unit to ask them what the hell to do. We were originally assured we would have surgery in the next 3-4 weeks, so a follow up appointment was made for September 5th with our FS. This was then pushed back, by the clinic, to October 7th due to a double booking. Normally this would have pushed me over the edge, but given the wait for surgery had gone up to 8-10 weeks that morning it wasn't too bad.

I called to inform that I had now just been told it would be closer to 18 weeks as they've now deemed me a 'non emergency' and how to move forward.

It never occurred to me about funding for treatment before all of this.

The receptionist explained that when you get the go ahead for funding, it is only valid for 18 weeks. As we won't be having treatment in this time we would need to meet with the finance manager of the clinic, and the doctor, to discuss our "future at the clinic, and any possible treatments" She said she thinks we can just re-apply for funding, but with the recent changes she can't give any definite answers either way.

They're both on holiday until 27th August, so I can't speak to them for 2 weeks to make an appointment.

So now we have the long wait for a cholesestectomy, and and even longer wait to find out if we can even re-apply for funding for IVF.

Before ANYONE says that we'll be fine, I agree, the chances are we will be fine and it will be simple paper work and reapplying for funding. The sensible side of me knows this and agrees.

But the woman whose spent 3+ years in hell, lost a baby, lost almost 2 years of her life to a 'mystery illness' that was mis-diagnosed for 24 months, was so excited to begin IVF and a new chapter then have it taken away, to now be told there is a minute chance we will now have funding for IVF taken away from us, with my future as a Mum is absolute jeopardy all at the age of 25, when I should be in the prime of my life.

This lady is asking you to put yourself in her position, with even the smallest of chances that they could say no, even the smallest, and then wait x-number of weeks for an answer, and see how you would feel.

Expelleth thy spawn! ©

Some of you may, or may not, remember a "friend" of mine, one who I used to be really close to and discuss IF with openly and regularly, getting pregnant. I never ever held this against her, and her pregnancy is not the reason why I refuse to give her the time of day - The 12 week scan picture on my news feed, completely and utterly out of the blue, followed by her message, after me congratulating her, stating "oh, sorry I didn't tell you, I knew there was something I was meant to do. Pregnancy brain. Lol!"...is the reason I won't make time for her anymore. Harsh, maybe. But there are too many bullshit 'friends' around and not enough time or space in my life for them. I have a very tough one strike and your out policy.

Martin and I, understandably, have had a few baby names picked out for the past 40+ months. Many of them change, but we've had 2 boys names that we have loved since day one, since before we even started TTC. So imagine my utter joy when I am informed this morning that aforementioned "friend" has given birth, on our supposed IVF test date, and has given him one of the names we loved so dearly. She was one of the only people who knew of 'our names'.

Yes, I know that there are millions of babies and people in the world with this name, but that isn't the point.

If anyone crosses me over the next few days, they will be feeling my wrath.

Today should have been so different

Had the past few weeks gone to plan, it would be official testing day after for IVF today. It would either be the best day of my life, or one I want to forget.

Instead I spent the evening at a food and drink festival with friends eating goat curry, ostrich burgers, Chinese, pizza and fudge and drinking copious amounts of cider.

How different today could be. Now this day is on hold for the next 6 months.

Reasons to not have kids.

Its no secret I'm having a tough time at the minute. I am. I am in a constant grey cloud and cant seem to shake myself out of it. I don't like feeling like this, believe me, If i could slap a smile on my face and my mood would follow it would be simple. I think it's the realisation that we've lost another whole year to infertility, and will be spending another Christmas as a lonesome twosome...

Having said that, 2013 is an extremely odd year. It was never meant to be. IVF was also in July, which is a number 7. All arrows point to odd. 

So, in trying to put a smile on my face, a forced one maybe, I am creating a list as to why it would be good for us not to have kids, if I read it enough times, maybe I'll start to believe it?? (NB. To my pregnant friends, if this list makes you feel like you must sign your unborn child over to be immediately, email me for my details...)

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to remain as just Mr and Mrs Briggs

1. They cost a lot of money. I like having money, I like going for meals and buying that dress I've had my eye on without having to spend my hard earned wages on nappies and other baby related items..

2. I love my husband, what about it I love him too much to share? 

3. My cats would get very jealous of a baby. If we ever have one I will have to live in constant fear that they will lay on it and smother it, or that Colin will claw them to death in a vain attempt to get to the warmest part of the cot. 

4. I like my tidy house. It smells of nice things like vanilla and Chantilly cream, and not baby poo and sudocream. 

5. I like travelling. I like going to different countries and seeing the sights and I like laying on a hot exotic beach with an alcoholic beverage and not having a care in the world. 

6. My boobs are great. They are one of the favourite parts of my body, they're pert, smooth and a nice rounded 34DD. If I have a baby they will hang off these boobs and they may change shape forever?

7. I love sleep.

8. If we don't have babies we will be that couple that friends come to visit every once in a blue moon with the immaculate house, with walls adorned with photos of our latest holiday to Thailand, Goa or the Maldives and I will sip on my expensive white wine out of my crystal wine glass, gently stroke a crease out of my perfect, white, crisp blouse and wrap a strand of professionally cut and dyed hair around my ear. 

9. I generally don't like other peoples children. I know right, no wonder I am infertile, I deserve it, how dare I! There are three children in this world who I adore, non of which I am related to, but all of the others I have encountered annoy me. They are bratty and scream and cry when they trip over objects with their clumsy feet. They are usually covered in snot and have food in their hair, and require feeding at regular intervals and make noise all the time. 

10. I cant stand picky eaters, just what is the point? The world, and everything in it is here for you to experience, but you refuse to eat anything but plain chips, the occasional mushy pea and chicken nuggets. Bore off. Children are the ultimate in picky-eaters. I like my mexican, thai, spanish, indian, african cuisine...I will put anything in my mouth at least once. Do I want to trade that in for cutting up fish fingers and making 18 million different meals every dinner time? 

11. If I have children, I will have to socialise with other mums. As I rule I dislike more people, but shove a pompous know it all mother in there (You know the one who is ALWAYS hanging around the plaground in her organic clothes, waiting to collect Tarquin from his violin lesson) and I might explode. 

12. My vagina, as far as I am aware, is quite nice. I have good strong muscles down there, I am often complemented on this when I am meeting with dildo cam (serious). If I squeeze something out of there all of the nice-ness might go away.

13. Alcohol. 

Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to have children 

1. I would be a great Mum. 

2. Martin would be a great Dad. 

3. A child is missing out by not having us as parents. 

4. I dont actually believe the aforementioned 12 points... 

Surrounded by people, but more alone than ever.

Ok, so I'm having a bad day. In fact to be brutally honest I'm having a bad year, 2013 is shit. Nothing good has come of this year for us, it's been stress, hospital fuck ups, health problem after health problem, death of loved ones and everything in the past few weeks has just been the nail in the coffin.  Whilst sitting in the car after more bad news from the hospital this morning, I drove around for 20 minutes extra just to think and try to change my mood. You know what I realised in those 20minutes? It's not just the situation itself that is upsetting me, it's my friends.

This morning I had my pre-surgery assessment at the hospital, where I was told that new protocol meant I couldn't fly for 6 weeks after surgery. We are due to fly to Tunisia in 9 weeks, therefore I was informed I couldn't have surgery until November at the earliest. The IVF clinic want me to have 4-6 weeks of recovery time before starting a new cycle. Goodbye to any treatment in 2013. That's another year older, another wedding anniversary, another Christmas in the same old fucking situation of not know whether we'll ever be parents or not. But despite hearing that news, what finally dawned on me is that although I have all of my friends around me, there was only one who I felt comfortable texting and only one I knew would actually talk to me and let me rant and rave and listen. Non of the others I can text, because I worry that I will make them feel uncomfortable.

This post isn't aimed at anyone, at all. It isn't intended to be a dig at anyone who reads it, real life friends or online support, it's just me trying to explain things.

Our infertility has always made people around us feel awkward, people around us ignored it and hoped it would go away. Would brush it under the carpet and keep us at arms length, then we wouldn't discuss things that made them feel uncomfortable.

When IVF started things got worse, our treatment now made people uncomfortable, they didn't know what it was so didn't want to talk about it, or didn't want to know what was going on because again, it might make them feel uncomfortable.

We had to abandon our IVF cycle. After momths of waiting and waiting we finally saw an end. we started even thinkinh about names, working out dates, looking at baby clothes and then BAM...sorry wait another 6 months. Yes, on the outside this isn't the end of the world, this isn't the be all and end all, we can go back to it next year, but we have waited for 3+ years to become parents, we have never been given an explanation as to why we arent parents, we just get told how amazigly fertile we are and how funny it is that we cant conceive. We have lost a baby and 2 years later still have nothing. We have no fucking diagnosis as to why we are putting ourselves through hell month after month. We deserve this, im not saying other people dont deserve all kinds of medical assisstance with any problem whether its infertility, mental health, cosmetic problems or a variety of other medical conditions, but it isnt our fault that this is the path we ate anle to go down. So why are we made to feel bad about treatment? Most shocking thing to come out of this is now that our IVF has been cancelled people are texting again, people are ringing again, people are sending Facebook messages again...all because now our lives don't make them feel awkward.

I am so angry, so depressed, so upset at our journey and how it's turned out, but I'm not allowed to talk about that?! People spent so long avoiding me while doing IVF, but they think its OK to 'go back to normal' once it's been abandoned. Is that what they would have done had the treatment failed? Pretended it never happened and expected me to go back to being me and being the same old Steph, but offer NO support?

Yes,  I am the first to admit that I'm not always the best person to respond to texts or messages. It's not malicious, I genuinely forget or am so busy at work I don't have time straight away. But I ALWAYS try to offer as much support as I possibly can, no matter how difficult. This isn't just pregnancy support, this is support for LIFE! I send texts and messages at 3-4am in the morning when relationship problems are happening, I spend my lunch break at work writing emails and messages to friends who are going through family issues or finance problems. I send congratulations and ask questions and talk openly with pregnant friends, weather these are LTTTC friends or real life friends, even though it rips me apart completely.

I pretend my infertility doesn't exist when friends invite me round for "food and alcohol" because they need cheering up, despite the fact I can't drink alcohol or eat take always because of upcoming treatments. I'm still there. But we are going through the hardest thing we have ever done and we get very little in return.

I have received multiple messages since coming out of hospital that resemble this;

"Sorry you've been ill. How are you?"

"I'm ok, getting there. Need surgery to remove gallbladder but hopefully no more problems after this. We have had to cancel IVF though, no more treatment until 2014 :("

"Oh, that's a shame. So me and _______ have split up. When are you free for drinks" / "I'm sorry, that sucks! I'm going shopping Saturday, want to come?" Or even "well it wasnt meant to be this time round. At least now you can drink on holiday!"

So disappointed with the amount of people who left me with no-one when going through IVF, no-one but Martin to cry to, made me feel bad for feeling bad, but revert back to wanting my support as soon as I'm 'back' to normal.

I'm sorry, but this morning has made me realise that this journey is not going to ever be easy with these people in it. If you expect support from me, I need it in return. It's as simple as that.

Until I calm down and do feel better by spending time with my constant source of support, Martin, I will be on radio silence from the Internet.

Insert witty title here...

I just wanted to share this photo, and couldn't think of a suitable title...

To all my friends, wherever we are in our journey. Pregnant, trying, giving up hope or other, this made me smile, and is so very true.

If you have Instagram, you really should follow infertility_sucks. 

Snails?

My friend has two giant African land snails for her primary school class, and obviously with it being the summer holidays she has them at home so she can look after them.

Today, the albino African land snail, Ethel, laid eggs. Hundreds of them! I dont know why she was shocked, keeping two snails together in an enclosed space....

Anyway, obviously she doesn't have the space of time to care for that many eggs, and they can't just be thrown away as they are an invasive species. One of the options to 'kill' the eggs is to freeze them, which she did.

I now feel like fertility wise,  I will have more in common with poor Ethel the snail than I ever will with my friend.

2 days...

Is all I can manage without wanting to write on this damn thing. I guess as much as I want to hide (and I am still, very much hiding) I've realised my blog is extremely therapeutic I don't even think I'm writing for an audience any more, I just get an immense sense of 'release' when I've typed everything down here. Maybe I've found my therapy? I also write quite long blog posts when I need 'therapy' the most. I apologies in advance to all of you that stumble across this or are bothered to read it.

I have a weird obsession with odds and evens, not just numbers, but a sort of weird synaesthesia type thing where I assign an 'odd' or 'even' feeling to names, days, months, words, letters etc...and I don't like odds. E.g. Stephanie would be an even name, because it's nice and curved and rounded. Martin would be an odd name as it is more jagged and pointy (make sense?) a,b, e, s, g, o are all even letters, but i, j, l, k, m, y, z, x are all odd letters. But there isn't necessarily a set pattern, I just get a feeling. e.g.  Monday, Wednesday, Friday are 'odd' days, where as Tuesdays, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday are all 'even' days, and I feel much better on even days.

I won't sit in an odd seat number in cinemas, on planes etc... and I don't' like to have 'odd' numbers of things on my plate. The numbers 1,3, 5, 7 and 9 are my arch nemeses, they are the worst of all the odd numbers because not only are they odd, but they are single numbers, which is '1' so also odd. My personal justification as to why 2013 has not been out year pregnancy wise is that it is an odd year, and therefore would be unlucky for us to get pregnant this year. 2014 sounds like a much nicer, even year.

I'm an even person, I was born on 28th of 4th in 1988, my husband is an even person born on 12th of 8th 1986 so that's perfect. But today, Wednesday 31st July 2013 is as odd as you could possibly get, it's a bad day, bad things will happen. So I am naturally in a bit of a anxious mood (I know, I'm mental) so I'm doing things to make it better.

Yesterday was a bad day. My first day back at work after my illness and it's only when I take time off from work and return, that I realise how much I hate my job. On paper it's perfect, I can work from home, they are flexible with time off, and on the whole there are nice people here. But in reality I can't stand it, but due to the flexibility and my ability to attend hospital appointments I'm sort of bound to stay here until I am either pregnant, or move on with my life. Plus, I've been here for 13 months, so despite it being a fixed term contract until July 2014 (extension possible) I would be granted maternity leave if it applied.

Bad parts of the job;

1) Its 35 miles away from home. The traval time to and from work is almost soul destroying. Our alarm goes off at 6am every morning (which isn't too bad, I agree) and I don't arrive at my office until 9am. I leave work at 5pm and usually arrive home at around 7-7.30pm. Thats a nice round 13-14 hours a day away from home. We usually get 2-3 hours together in the evening before falling asleep.

2) I do have friends here, often people you wouldn't imagine I'd be friends with, like the 53 year old IT manager who lives in the office next door, we just get on and share a mutual dislike for many of the institutes regulations and employees. However, the majority of the staff speak to you and treat you like you are something that has just been spat out and dragged across a field of horse manure. Real academics, on the whole, are pompous twats who need to be slapped across the face with a huge metal rod.

3) My brain is turning to mush. Without sounded like the aforementioned pompous twat, I'd like to class myself as quite an intelligent and well educated individual. I put myself through my BSc, I continued on to gain my qualification in teaching and education, and I enjoy working as an examiner for one of the biggest exam boards in the UK, but when I step into my office I might as well forget around 70% of all my knowledge and intellect because it won't be used. I work in an institution which is supposed to value education and training, I applied for the position with this in mind, yet, believe it or not, I am one of few members of staff that actually hold a professional qualification in teaching. In fact I can't name one of lecturer who I work with on a regular basis who has had any formal training in the methods, rationale or successful teaching techniques. Yes I agree, they are absolute experts in their field and are much more knowledgeable than I even will be in their chosen subject, but put me in a room with them so I can watch them teach and it's like watching a car crash in action.

Most still believe writing on a board while the student copy down into their own note pads is a legitimate and successful method of imparting knowledge onto people, the students inevitably fail to perform as well as they deserve to, the lecturers are completely 'baffled' by the failing of students and their inability to grasp information and meeting usually descend into a discussion into 'How can the students be so stupid?;. I am absolutely dying to scream "...the students are failing because you are not TEACHING, you are TALKING at them and hoping something sticks..." alas, every attempt to suggest different ways of putting information across has been met with snarls of "...sorry, you're not really qualified to give that sort of advice" so I retreat back to my office, to console the students when they fail to assignment, work with them to get better, but can never put my name to any individual success of a student, because that's not my job.

4) All attempts to discuss my worries and concerns with my manager are met with "Oh, you're doing fabulous. You're a credit to the department" which to be honest, is all bullshit to keep me quiet. I have been told that non of the staff wanted me here to begin with, and they my role with teh department is purely so they can 'tick a box' and tell the Dean that they have a support tutor, I'm not used. Most of the staff will not recognise me as being remotely trained to deal with students, they refuse to refer students on to me as they clearly know better. I think the students are fantastic, they are very intellectual and eager to learn, but are let down by the system. Therefore I spend the majority of my days in my office, drinking tea of coffee, reading the news headlines, responding to student emails and speaking with students directly, but being ignored by staff and often twiddling my thumbs. For instance today, I have one meeting with my manager at 2.30pm, the rest of my day is completely empty. The students are on summer holidays as are the teaching staff. I have no jobs to do, no 'to do list' and have even brought in my book to keep me occupied. Yet I get out of bed every morning at 6am to sit in my office for 8 hours, alone, with no human contact, just to say I did.

I left a very stressful job as a full time teaching where the hours from 7am-9pm would fly past, often with too much work to be carried out in such an amount of time. I would have Friday evenings off but straight back to work on Saturday morning, marking, planning and preparing. It made me ill, tests showed it affected my fertility and I was crying regularly, and I don't regret leaving that position with that particular institution, but to go from that, to this....in short, I feel absolutely worthless.

5) I car share to work, and half the price of petrol for the journey. My monthly travel expenses are now £140, which is better than the £240 monthly train ticket to work. However, yesterday my car sharer informed me that she is moving to the city we work in, and won't be able to offer me a lift any more. This means my travel expenses will now jump back up to £240 a month. Add on to that Martins expenses of £140 a month and that £400 of our income that is gone straight away. It's almost getting to the point where I can't afford to work here any more.

Yet I can't leave, because at this stage of treatment there is no better position for me to be in. 

I enquired into a alternative position with the university this morning, I am qualified for the position, but not sure if office politics will prevent the enquiry from going any further. The pay scale is 2 grades higher than my current, which would mean a pay increase of between £4000 and £8000 a year. This would mean that travel costs wouldn't really be an issue.....fingers crossed.

To top off all of my manic ramblings, I was surprised to find I was bleeding yesterday. Not too heavy, but enough to warrant a tampon and fresh blood. I called the clinic and they said it was my period, 4 days after stopping cetrotide. Which I thought was odd, but who am I to argue. I have absolutely no pain what so ever, and this morning the bleeding has all but stopped. Rendering my mind officially fucked...

Surgeon outcome

Just got out from my meeting with the surgeon, or the surgeons registrar more specifically. He was a lovely doctor, very straight forward, quite jolly and very pleasant to say I was the last patient of the day. He actually looked at my discharge form from the hospital which made a change. He asked me what tests I had done, what the results were etc...and that was that.

6-8 weeks waiting time. Which is better than it could be, but not brilliant. Our appointment with the FS is September 9th (6 weeks exactly) to discuss post-gallbladder treatment. We go on holiday in 10 weeks...hopefully it will be closer to 6 weeks than 8 so Im not sporting fresh surgical scars in my bikini.

Mixed emotions. Relieved it isnt 18 weeks, disappointed it isnt 3 weeks. I won't be completely happy until I actually have a date set, just have to wait for the letter to come through from the hospital with a surgery date.

Earliest possible start date for IVF looks like November, 13 months after we were told we could start treatment.

Time out

I got this today, and I really need this.

I will be updating my blog tomorrow after Ive met with the surgeon, and then I will be staying quiet for a while. IF is defeating me at the moment, I love my support network to death, but even the majority of those woman are pregnant. I'm not coping, at all. I need to shut myself out of anything and everything baby related for the time being. Not forever, not entirely, but at least for a short while. I don't have my health to fall back on, my sanity is the only thing I have left and at the minute it's hanging on by a thread.

...and another thing

I stopped taking my cetrotide today which prevent ovulation, so all my lovely juicy eggs have just been sitting in there for an extra 4-5 days all dying to come out. My body has been seriously geared up for ovulation for about 10 days, and my hormones are there to match.

If I could spend all day naked in bed with Martin I would, but sex is banned until after AF....

How ironic it would be if we 'slipped up(or in)' and ended up the next octo-mom....

7 days after gallstone-gate

...and I still don't feel 100%. I think it's a mixture of the antibiotics, on going infection fighting my body is doing and my generally crap mood i've been in this week. I need to give myself a good shake and get out of it.

Obviously we're still very much devastated about our IVF outcome, although we also know how lucky we are to still have out two attempts and be able to pick up in a few months (surgery dependent). To say we were supposed to start treatment in January and then it was fuck up after fuck up on the NHS part that pushed it to July, to get 30% of the way through  cycle and then everything fuck up again is just a little bit of a push too far for me at the moment. I need a few weeks to wallow and then I'll be back to my normal self again.

I know I've brought it on myself, and I should have had the surgery before doing IVF anyway, I know this, I've blamed myself for this ever since it happened. But I can't help but feel like I can't take full responsibility for it as my surgeon gave me his blessing to postpone the operation until after IVF, saying it wouldn't affect it. I only realised how odd this was when I explained this to a team of 5 surgeons stood around the bottom of my hospital bed on Sunday, and they all looked at each other in disbelief.

The huge, massive saviour of this whole situation is that my gallbladder didn't wait 7 days and try and kill me, as we would have already had embryo transfer and be at the start of our TWW. The amount of drugs I was given last weekend and the drugs I've been taking this week, not to mention the sheer stress and exhaustion of it all, would have guaranteed a failed cycle, and we would have lost it and only have one remaining. In fact if my GB had waited just 3 more days to give out we would have lost a cycle. So for that we are thankful.

Much to my amazement I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I'm not quite sure why, as  I have had every test under the sun this weekend and there isn't much to discuss. Lets just hope I can get my argument in in person as to why he should take it out there and then. I should find out how long I have to wait. Gulp.

Over the next few days I shall be working on improving my mood and pulling myself back together, because it's not doing anything for anyone.

It's Martins birthday in 17 days and we have the holiday to look forward to after that on October 9th (75 days and counting...), then on 26th October it's our 2 year wedding anniversary, so there is actually good stuff in the world. We have another birth announcement to look forward to in the next 7-10 days which fills me with about as much joy as something that isn'y very joyful (cousin we hate) but everything else should be good.

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me or sent me lovely messages over the past week, I do very very much appreciate it! I'm sorry I've been negative nancy and been very quiet on the responding front, I'm just being oscar the grouch, living in a dark box with very little contact and all. The only person I really want to be around at the minute is Martin, and I'm very clingy to him currently, if he had a bag big enough to fit me in I would definitely be at work with him now.

Why is everything just shit?

I'm down in the dumps, as you can imagine. I feel like crap. The Augmentin is making me feel worse and worse with every dose, not to mention I need a dose of codeine just to eat a meal now. Plus I should have been having egg collection right around today...so I'm a big ball of negativity.

The clinic asked me to take 4 extra days of Cetrotide, I assume that's to give my ovaries time to calm down before any ovulation occurs. Also, ovulation with that amount of eggs?! How the hell will the work? Anyway...I went to the clinic to collect the Cetrotide and one of the nurses who has been dealing with us saw me, stopped performing her morning scans and took me into a room so we could have a chat. Did I mention we love our clinic? Denise (the nurse) is so lovely, so asked how I was doing and if I understood why they had to stop the IVF, which of course I did. She has already made an appointment for us to speak with the doctor on September 9th, before us even having to ask. She also had to have her gallbladder removed not long ago, so she said she understood what was going on. She said that although recovery from surgery is quick, they'd like me to have a little extra time as when I'm going through IVF I wouldn't be able to take any pain meds or antibiotics of anything which may come as a result of the surgery, which makes perfect sense. We have out holiday in October, so realistically, it will be November before we can pick this back up again. Yes, not a typo, November. 4 months from now. 4 fucking months. As if we haven't waited and waited and waited. I want to cry every time I think of it.

I called my surgeon as soon as I left the clinic, as I had been given an open appointment to have the cholesestectomy when I so wished, and got through to his secretary. She explained that she thought I was wrong and I actually only had an appointment to SEE the consultant again, and I'd still have to go on the waiting list for the surgery, but she will speak to the surgeon. I'm not getting too angry just yet, because I know she SHOULD be in the wrong, however if it pans out this way, which is completely different to the information I've been told, it will be 18 weeks before possible surgery. That means no IVF until 2014. Did I mention I was hospitalised with this mere days ago and they already knew about the issue, but will still make me wait almost 4 months?! Thats 4 months of it possibly happening again at any time...I'm hoping I can kick and scream loud enough for then to listen, but I'm seriously loosing faith that we will every be parents.

Yes, totally and utterly down in dumps at the minute. I'm sick of dealing with this shit. When have we last had a good month? Why can't ANYTHING go our way? We need some luck.