Pesky uterus!

I thought AF had started on Monday, when she was due. I was wrong. Couple hours of spotting and then she disappeared. I've had AF cramps on and off for the past 4 days and no AF yet (obviously BFN! Don't be silly enough to get hopeful!)  I know she's on her way but she's just being a pain! It's now CD35, the longer it takes for her to arrive this month, the further back IUI gets! It's going to be May at this rate, to say we were heading to begin in March, in getting impatient!

Oh well, long Easter weekend, 4 days off with Martin. We're spending the day at the Royal Armouries Musuem (we LOVE museums together, such geeks!) then I am having drinks with the girls on Saturday and family time on Sunday and Monday, with my family. My husband, my little ginger assassin and the black and white fluff head.

Enjoy your long weekends xxx

Health update five thousand and seventy four!

N.B - I'm writing this from my phone in bed, despite it being 7am and me being off work I can't sleep, apologies for weird and wonderful typing mistakes.

Throughout my blog there have been a number of reoccurring themes, mainly;

1) infertility sucks
2) not being pregnant sucks
3) watching everyone else get pregnant sucks
4) moaning
5) boo hoo my tummy hurts
6) the incompetence of the National Health Service.

This entry will mostly fall under, and add to, theme 6.

I had 10 days of pain free living and then on Thursday last week it started up again, no reason, I was taking the same drugs, but I couldn't eat again. Thursday to Monday was mostly spent with me sobbing to Martin and asking him to make the pain go away. On Monday evening I was curled up in the bedroom sobbing and uttered the sentence "I don't even want to live anymore" which prompted Martin to call the GP and get the next available appointment. I was pleasantly surprised when it was 9am the following day.

So at 9am yesterday I walked into my GPs office and immediately burst into tears and begged her to do something, I had previously been told there were no more medications I could try so I was prepared to beg. I told her my life wasn't worth living, I couldn't sleep, hasn't eaten a whole meal in 4 months and was putting my IF treatment on hold because of this problem. I had a gastroscopy 10 days ago along with a blood test for a bacteria called h pylori which I had not yet received the results. It's a bacteria that almost everyone has, but in 10-20% of cases it turns bad, taking up home in mucous linings of the body and causing havoc, including ulcers, gastritus, heart burn etc... I was tested for this is 2011 and was told the biopsy was negative, and therefore was not the cause.

I explained the above to my GP, she read through my notes and began to frown "But it says here December 2011 H Pylori Biopsy - Positive", she then turned the screen and let me read. She then picked up the phone to call the lab at the hospital to chase up my results. Low and behold, blood test for h pylori antibody came back positive, a very high positive. It then dawned on the both of us that I had been in almost constant pain since August 2011 due to a bacteria that was present in my digestive tract that wasn't friendly. One of the nasty things it does is block the medication prescribed for stomach conditions from adequately working, rendering them almost useless. My specialist at the previous hospital had never bothered to a) tell me the correct result from the initial biopsy or b) schedule a follow up appointment. The treatment for the bacteria is a 7 day course of double antibiotics and a prescription antacid medication. That's it!!

So this stomach problem could have been solved and cured 18months ago with a simple treatment of antibiotics, but due to the sheer incompetence of the NHS once again, it wasn't.

Now, as the bacteria has gone untreated for so long, the doctors are worried it may have spread into other areas so more radical treatment may be needed. I have also been informed that due to lack of treatment for this bacteria I have a 1-2% lifetime risk of developing gastric cancer, so will need to keep an eye on my health stomach wise.

Another nasty thing h pylori does, as it inhibits ALL mucousy areas of the body, is turn CM particularly bad, stopping sperm from getting where it needs to be, and killing the ones that do. It is also reported to be responsible for early miscarriages in sufferers who have wide spread infections as it can get into the uterus lining - my stomach pain started on 4th August 2011 ( I remember as it was a meal for a friends birthday) and the infection usually starts well before the pain does. We had our miscarriage on 7th September 2011. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Antibiotics started yesterday, I should be forever cured this time next week.

3 years? I should know better by now, shame on me!

I'm in a ranty mood today, I'm pissed at myself and also at the world.

AF has arrived this morning after I convinced myself that this month was going to work. Why would I do that? Because I thought the world might give me a break and as its the last natural month we had to conceive a child not in a hospital gown, the break might be a BFP. I needed a good slap as soon as that thought went through my head! I've played this game for 3 years now, I really should know better! But I'm just agitated today.

I'm angry at Martin for things that aren't his fault, I'm angry at friends for not dropping everything and coming to comfort me when AF arrived when I know full well they don't understand. In angry at the weather for snowing me in for the 4th consecutive day, I'm angry at my bedding for being dark purple and showing up all the bits of fluff we being in, in angry and the house for being cold despite having the heating on and I'm angry and IF for fucking up the lives of people who are so loving, so generous, so amazingly supportive and kind (I'm not including myself in that!) and handing our happiness on a plate to people who are vile and revolting human beings and letting us just sit back and be spectators to their happiness. This has happened on two seperate occasions within as many weeks and now I need to rant about it. I apologies in advance for all of you that happen to read this rant, it may be long.

One positive I have gleamed from suffering from IF us the woman that I've met who are also going through the same thing. I speak to then on a daily basis and they are always on hand to offer a supportive and non judgemental attitude. We all have happy and full relationships, we are surrounded by people we love and all have amazing partners, but no babies. Yet in the past two weeks I have heard news of two seperate people who are now pregnant who are black both inside and out.

I feel awful, as one is an old LTTTC friend who I did once class as a form of online support. This was before she turned into a nasty peice of work, spreading rumours and trying to turn friends against each other ultimately my first support group was destroyed because of her meddling. We have since found out that She was also a pretty good liar about a lot of things, including her diagnosis, her treatment and pretty much a large proportion of her life. she refularly claimed "...i have never had a bfp, ive never even had a miscarriage!" as if it was a good thing, some form of diagnosis and that "...atleast tou know you can get pregnant!" Guess what! She's now pregnant. How is that fair?

Second example is a member of extended family who I don't particularly like, when I say particularly I mean don't. I don't judge people based on looks in the slightest, yet she's morbidly obese and I have to admit I just her fertility on that. Just HOW? She has a young child already who members of the family largesly pay for, and once stayed she wanted to get pregnant as she would like to be on maternity leave from work again. Not to have a child, just so she didn't have to work. Let me ask a question again, how?! Knowing all that I know about fertility and making babies, how does someone who is so physically unhealthy make a baby? I was a little on the chubby side when we started TTC, the doctor suggested that it wouldn't hurt to loose a little weight, so I did. I lost 30lbs and am now perfect BMI but still can't get pregnant. This woman weighs at least 2.5 of me, can't walk up stairs without stopping for breath but can manufacture a child?! I need a doctor to explain this to me.

While these people are getting knocked up and going in with their lives, woman I care about are still having to go through the battle of IF with no light at the end of the tunnel. How is that fair? In what world is it more suitable for these people to have babies than for my friends who want for nothing more than to have a family. What purpose is there to us going through this, what are we supposed to gain from this apart from an inner anger that never quite goes away?

I'm short, I cannot understand or comprehend why things happen this way. I used to believe in karma, but from today karma can shove a stick up its arse and whistle. Where is the karma in these situations?!!

Oh, and to top it off my stomach pain and not eating is back.

For the rest if the day I will be holding into the next two points dearly;

Positives or not being pregnant;

1) alcohol. In every way shape and form.
2) being able to wallow in self pity, swear and throw things without having to worry about who will repeat my actions

Which one of my cats looked tastier?

For once the weather forecast wasn't wrong, this is my view today 

I should have a garden wall and the washing line is near buried. The snow at the bottom of the garden reaches my elbows.

The brown area of mush is the main road in and out of the village. So far we've seen two cars attempt to drive down and had to be dug out. No snow forecast for the day but it is supposed to start again tonight and not stop until FRIDAY! 

Two JCBs tried to clear the road at the top of our estate yesterday, it's just not passable! Martin is trying to find a way to get to work tomorrow, but I think he'll be lucky! 

Snowy weekend?

So this is my weather forecast for this weekend. Granted, compared to what America and Canada cope with its nothing, but we're due to have up to 40cm of snow over the next two days starting from midnight tonight. My new home is in the middle of nowhere (literally!) and we are surrounded by moor land. Snow means chaos! I have to leave home at 6am tomorrow morning to get to work, getting back at 6pm after 12hours of heavy snow may prove to be interesting! 

This was my route home the last time we had heavy snow. 

Wish me luck! 

Is it spring yet??

Yawn. So tired. Was woken up by an annoying ginger howling loudly outside my bedroom door this morning at 4am, so not in the mood for my 3 hour long meeting with all my seniors in 15mins.

Finally got through to my FS on the phone yesterday, after constant phone calls and non returned messages I called at 4.45pm not expecting anyone to answer. Sure enough the doctor herself picked up the phone, within 30 seconds we have had out IUI referral sent to the Assisted Conception Unit. Now just to wait and see what's next - I'm going for end of April start.

I hate myself this month for having sex when I ovulated. I'm symptom spotting (slap me) my nipples feel like they're trying to claw their way out of my bra. But nothing more. I'm bored of this life now, I just want AF to show and to eat easter eggs and gorge on fatty food like I have done previously.

I'm eating again - HURRAH! My mixture of 3 different gastro-happy pills 3 times a day and codeine 3 times a day is making me human again, I celebrating with bacon wrapped frankfurters with ketchup and mustard last night. Delicious.

Its also the first day of spring today, and I woke up to a blizzard outside my house, we left with around 3 inches of snow and still falling, get to work 30 miles away and its a balmy spring day. People think I'm crazy at work when I talk about the snow we're having at home. We also have heavy snow forecast for the next 3 days, lets see if we can make the sub zero temperatures last into April!

I know have to go and spend 3 hours sat in a room with all of my superiors and look excited about work that has nothing to do with me what so ever. Joy!

xxxx

p.s. If you get a second I want everyone to send positive thought to a friend of mine who is currently going through IVF. She deserves this, and I want her to know everyone is behind her 110%. <3

If I was a car, I'd be a 20 year old ford

So I went to the hospital today for my gastroscope. I was 99% certain I was going to be sedated after the awful experience I had last night, but decided to be brave at the end and went totally sober and just had my throat numbed.

Still one of the most awful things I've ever had to do!

So?..... My ulcers are/have healed. She can see 3 healed nicely and one well in the way to being healed (yay!) but still have swelling and inflammation of the stomach, and just to add insult to injury I now have a moderate hatial hernia! Hurrah! So that would explain the stomach pain since part of my stomach is now poking through my diaphragm!!

I'm also waging war against my FS's secretary. You recall I called her the week before last to arrange a phone consultation with FS and get IUI rolling.. Well a week goes by and still no phone call, I decided not to chase it up as we're not in a huge rush and doctors are busy people. Yesterday I received a letter from the FS with an appointment for JUNE!!! Fucking June?! That stupid bitch decided that she couldn't be arsed to contact the doctor, and took it upon herself to just make another appointment for us. She can fuck right off if she thinks I'm going to let this one slide, I have already made 2 very angry phone calls and left a message for her to call me back first thing on Monday so we can clear up this obvious misunderstanding. Pfffffft! June?!

Hurrah!

I had my hospital appointment with the upper GI specilist on Monday. It was as I expected. A female doctor/surgeon practically ran into the room, still dressed for theatre, spoke with me about my symptoms for 5 minutes and said there was nothing she could do until I has another gastroscopy carried out. Great. The waiting list for gastroscopies is around 5 weeks, so I left there feeling very deflated, in pain and frankly more than a little upset.

Luckily, I decided to try taking IBS medication this weekend, as I read online it can help to calm down the spasms the stomach goes into when you're having an ulcer attack. Even though I don't suffer from IBS, the medication is working great! I can eat now, and I haven't had to induce vomiting for the past 4 days. This is great!

I just recieved a phone call saying they have had a last minute cancellation and can do an gastroscopy THIS FRIDAY, as in not tomorrow, the day after! Im more than thrilled! It's taken me 3 months to get a 5 minute appointment, and 4 days to get an appointment for a preocedure to be carried out. Only 2 problems with this;

 1) we're handing the keys of our old home back to the landlord at 12.30pm on Friday, my appointment is at 2.30pm, so need to ask them nicely to move that forward.

2) As of this moment I am not allowed to take any medication for my stomach what so ever. Sob. Although, in reality you are supposed to stop medication for 10 days before a gastroscopy, which would be living hell, but the nurse assured me that given I'm still in pain, two days without medication will be enough for the doctor to get a decent idea of whats going on. Hello again vomiting! But I don't care, after 3 months I can cope with the pain for 2 more days!

In other news - For some reason this month we have actively TTC. Maybe it's because it's the month before IUI so it's sort of our last chance, or maybe it's because i made the mistake of buying OPKS? I didn't do OPKs but as my cycles are so regular I know I was due to ovulate yesterday, Sunday night we had the best sex we had had in a while. You know the full on passionate-i-need-you-right-now kinda of sex. Then both collapsed and fell asleep with me still propped up on a pillow (I'm also positive NOTHING came back out, at all..I don't know where it went or what its doing, but it didn't make a reappearence after sex...)

Anyway, yesterday I had cramps so awfully bad I had to sit down and take a double dose of paracetamol. My legs were in pain the cramps were so bad - had I not have been CD17 I would have been awaiting AF. Anyway, I got home that night and did an OPK and sure enough it was as negative and negative can be, not even a hint of a second line, which only ever happens the day after I usually get a +OPK. So I think I can safely assume I ovulated between 3-5pm yesterday afternoon (specific hey!) which was around 17hours after out marathon sex session. I don't even know why I'm hoping - come 26th March I will be back here complaining of AF cramps!

x

I've been away too long

So last week I ordered my first set of HPTs and OPKs in preparation for IUI. They arrived yesterday, I decided that I am due to ovulate on Friday so I would do some OPKs and we would actually time sex this month as it's our last shot at this whole natural pregnancy malarky!

So off I go to the bathroom with my trusty pee glass and one HPT and OPK in each hand (I can't resist peeing on things, despite being CD 13 and clearly not pregnant)

Fast forward 10 minute to be almost having a heart attack when I got my green and blue ends mixed up on the tests. Ha. I spent 30 seconds confused to shit staring at my OPK thinking it was a HPT...

Seriously, this is what my life has become. Unless you're been through TTC, that will make no sense to you what so ever!!

The ball is rolling...

Phone call complete.

Notes have been sent for, FS is going to give us a call back and then off we go.

IUI Number one should be April 29th 2013 - The day after I turn 25. I always said I would wait until I was 25 to have kids, an omen?

I feel brilliant!

Honestly, I do today!

This week has been hell health wise and I've had to take 3 days off work to try and get myself back to normal. I passed out on Monday due to not eating or drinking hardly anything since Thursday because of my stomach.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the worst days ever, I was in agony with my stomach, but knew I had to eat and drink so was forcing myself to keep stuff down and then sobbing in agony curled up in a ball. Yesterday was particularly bad, although I managed to eat a chicken sandwich (gluten free of course) and had some stomach pain last night before bed but managed to sleep.

I woke up this morning and nothing! No pain, no niggles, no aches, I feel great! My stomach is rumbling in the normal healthy way! Granted it's only 11.57am and I haven't eaten anything yet, but the past 3 days I've woken up in agony. Hopefully this is a sign of things starting to get better, just in time for my hospital appointment on Monday! Hurrah!

I'm also in the process of packing up all my belongings as we are moving house this weekend :( sob. I hate moving - well no, I LOVE moving into a new home, I hate packing and unpacking. All the big items of furniture like the sofas, beds, book cases etc... are being moved on Saturday and we will live in the old house for another week with nothing but a mattress on the floor and some clothes for a week. Fun!

Isn't this supposed to be a baby making blog?

Oh yeah. Been a while since I mentioned anything productive to do with our quest to create a bambino. Well I had my cardiology appointment last Monday and I should have called the FS 3 days ago to schedule a phone consultation and get the go ahead for IUI. So far I haven't done that. I'm using the excuse that I can't do IUI until my stomach problems are sorted out, but I do think part of my subconscious is trying to protect me from everything that comes along with IUI.

It's been 5 Months since we were actively TTC and it's been great! No OPKs, no timed sex and mostly no disappointment. So going back to TWW, OPKs and HPTs will be a bummer. But it has to be done...

I'm going to make the call right now...