You all spoke about it, you've all been here but today I found myself in THAT place. Not welcome at the infertile table anymore, but dont want to pull up a chair on the fertile table. Is there one inbetween??
Colleague at work has just had a second failed IVF cycle, I wanted to comfort her but felt like some sort of fraud. I ended up sending her an email saying that although I'm transitioning to motherhood I haven't forgotten the pain of IF and if she wants to talk I'm here, but I understand if she doesn't. Equally, when she left and all the fertile people were discussing how hard it must be and how they "can't imagine what she was going through" I felt like I should be there either.
It's a perculiar situation I never in a million years thought I would be in. Another thing I've realised is that I hate infertility, I hate what it has done to me, my husband, my friends and every other woman who's struggled with it . But I don't ever want that pain to go away. It's part of me and my life and who I am.
Wednesday 24 September 2014
Sunday 14 September 2014
"You're not allowed to complain!"
I'm starting to get pissed off with people saying that line to me whenever I mention some pain/discomfort/body issue I've discovered while pregnant.
I'm not going to lie, I have down days about the changes my body is going through. I'm bigger EVERYWHERE, my breast are sore and so swollen they're purple and hot, my hips and back are painful due to PGD/SPD and I'll soon be having physio to sort it out and my sciatic nerve is being trapped by baby/pelvis so that is causing daily pain. Don't get me wrong, not for one second would I wish any of it go away. I know why this is happening and my pregnant body is doing an AMAZING thing changing to accommodate this little guy. I am grateful for every little twinge in my back that's caused by pregnancy, hell I'm even grateful for the new stretch marks which are forming on my watermelon-esque boobs. But, that doesn't mean that occasionally I can feel down about my weight gain or what my boobs will looks like post pregnancy. Does it?
Last week I was talking to Martin about how my body would change and if he would find me attractive. Of course he will, but sometimes you have to vocalise these things. I'd just got out of the shower and was noticing parts of my body had changes radically and said to him "I feel so fat today. Like I'm that woman who people aren't quite sure if she's pregnant or just eaten a lot" he response to me was "your belly has got much bigger.....so have your hips!" So I threw a cushion at him and thanked him for his typically male response and for making me feel worse bit better, than pulled on my maternity jeans and carried on with the day. When telling this story to MIL that weekend I said:
"Well he was so lovely the other day. I was feeling a bit down about just looking fat and...."
Before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted with
"Sorry Steph you are not allowed to complain that you feel fat. You wanted to get pregnant you'll have to live with what it does to your body!"
Erm...thanks.
Last night we saw friends we hadn't seen for a while and I said to my closest female friend "I've had a few down days about my size but today I just feel a bit chubby!" Her boyfriend then said "You are not allowed to moan about feeling fat!"
Is it me?! I'm not ungrateful, I love that every morning when I get out of bed I can feel him rolling about and kicking in my belly. I love that one day these ginormous breast will hopefully feed our son and I love that my body will be a mummies body. Does that mean I have to love the back pain and not voice ANY displeasure at my changing body?
If I had got pregnant naturally would I then be "allowed to moan"?
It makes me equal parts pissed off and equal parts upset
I'm not going to lie, I have down days about the changes my body is going through. I'm bigger EVERYWHERE, my breast are sore and so swollen they're purple and hot, my hips and back are painful due to PGD/SPD and I'll soon be having physio to sort it out and my sciatic nerve is being trapped by baby/pelvis so that is causing daily pain. Don't get me wrong, not for one second would I wish any of it go away. I know why this is happening and my pregnant body is doing an AMAZING thing changing to accommodate this little guy. I am grateful for every little twinge in my back that's caused by pregnancy, hell I'm even grateful for the new stretch marks which are forming on my watermelon-esque boobs. But, that doesn't mean that occasionally I can feel down about my weight gain or what my boobs will looks like post pregnancy. Does it?
Last week I was talking to Martin about how my body would change and if he would find me attractive. Of course he will, but sometimes you have to vocalise these things. I'd just got out of the shower and was noticing parts of my body had changes radically and said to him "I feel so fat today. Like I'm that woman who people aren't quite sure if she's pregnant or just eaten a lot" he response to me was "your belly has got much bigger.....so have your hips!" So I threw a cushion at him and thanked him for his typically male response and for making me feel worse bit better, than pulled on my maternity jeans and carried on with the day. When telling this story to MIL that weekend I said:
"Well he was so lovely the other day. I was feeling a bit down about just looking fat and...."
Before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted with
"Sorry Steph you are not allowed to complain that you feel fat. You wanted to get pregnant you'll have to live with what it does to your body!"
Erm...thanks.
Last night we saw friends we hadn't seen for a while and I said to my closest female friend "I've had a few down days about my size but today I just feel a bit chubby!" Her boyfriend then said "You are not allowed to moan about feeling fat!"
Is it me?! I'm not ungrateful, I love that every morning when I get out of bed I can feel him rolling about and kicking in my belly. I love that one day these ginormous breast will hopefully feed our son and I love that my body will be a mummies body. Does that mean I have to love the back pain and not voice ANY displeasure at my changing body?
If I had got pregnant naturally would I then be "allowed to moan"?
It makes me equal parts pissed off and equal parts upset
Saturday 13 September 2014
18.5 weeks
Morning sickness still here. Sob.
I dry heave every morning until I've managed to eat a decent breakfast and let it settle. At this point I think it's going to be here forever!
I dry heave every morning until I've managed to eat a decent breakfast and let it settle. At this point I think it's going to be here forever!
Monday 8 September 2014
Royal Baby bullshit
Urgh.
Even with a fat belly this news is not welcomed by little old me. I don't begrudge Kate having two children in the space of two years (nothing like flaunting your fertility you bitch) but I cannot stand the worlds response to it.
When is she due? What will it be? Let's film a door for weeks on end and hope someone appears at it. Let's make plates, cups, bunting and a whole heap of other crap to commemorate the occasion.
She's a woman whose having a baby. This happens HUNDREDS of times every day. Get over it world.
Yawn
Even with a fat belly this news is not welcomed by little old me. I don't begrudge Kate having two children in the space of two years (nothing like flaunting your fertility you bitch) but I cannot stand the worlds response to it.
When is she due? What will it be? Let's film a door for weeks on end and hope someone appears at it. Let's make plates, cups, bunting and a whole heap of other crap to commemorate the occasion.
She's a woman whose having a baby. This happens HUNDREDS of times every day. Get over it world.
Yawn
Thursday 4 September 2014
Tough day
Today marks 3 years since our miscarriage and the day we turn 17 weeks pregnant with this little guy.
Very strange set of emotions
Very strange set of emotions
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