Well, that was a turn up for the books.

We arrived at the clinic at 3.20pm in perfect time for our 3.30 appointments, after around 20minutes of sitting in the waiting room the nurse, Denise, called us through and apologised for our wait.

She opening the conversation with "...I'm going to put a cat in amongst the pigeons now" which immediately made me panic given the history of treatment and this infertility battle.

She sat down and explained that when she picked up my file she noticed I was a cardiac patient, and that always grabs peoples attention in the clinic. Then she opened my file and saw my AMH blood result was 32 (which means nothing to me...) and she panicked. Apparently normal AMH ranges are between 5-15 so my result of 32, without any signs of PCOS, shows I have 'optimal fertility' and some fab quality eggs, which is great news for us in the long run. However, given my AMH results the nurse thought that I would have absolutely no problem what so ever responding to the meds for IUI and they would easily get 2-3 eggs, HOWEVER, given my heart condition they do not, under any circumstances, want to be getting me pregnant with twins. As much as WE would love that, from the clinics stand point getting a woman with a heart condition pregnant with twins (or more!) would be very irresponsible and dangerous for all involved.

 Then she uttered the words "I think you should go straight for IVF". I didn't know what to say, and at this point was quite close to tears as we had waited so so long for this and yet again we were getting nowhere. The nurse disappeared out of the room to call our FS, who was lecturing at the university at the time, and left us there to sit for 5 minutes. We discussed how we felt, how annoyed we were at the waiting, the pros and cons or not doing IUI etc...and when she returned she said that the FS had actually agreed with her point, and would also recommend we went straight for IVF (Why she didn't pick up on this before I don't know....)

Anyway...I asked the nurse "So, is this another 12 week wait to see Dr.Jivraj, and then take it from there?", to which she responded "Oh no! Definitely not, lets see what we can do"

Everything following from this was a bit of a blur, but the nurse was so lovely! She wrote down when my next AF was due, I mentioned this one was late so I didn't know for definite and she said she had fallen pregnant the cycle before her IVF with a little nudge (It feels better having a nurse who knows). She then explained we needed a mock egg transfer, a drugs consultation and to sign all of the consent forms. She clicked away on her computer and asked if we would like an appointment with the FS on Monday. 3 days time Monday. Of course we did!  She booked us in for our mock ET on June 12th, and then looked for the next available drug consultation, which was July 3rd. Before she finished writing the appointment down she shouted "No! Your periods due before that we don't want you waiting, we need to squeeze you in somewhere earlier" and managed to 'sneak' (her words, not mine) a drug consultation in on the same day as my mock ET.

On the bottom of my appointment card is written "IVF treatment booked week beginning July 1st"

We've both come home shell shocked. I don't know what to think, what to worry about or what to start researching. My eggs are too well behaved for IUI, can you believe it?!

I'm thoroughly unprepared for everything that is about to happen over the next few weeks, I haven't prepared myself mentally for an IVF failure, but at the same time I haven't prepared myself mentally for IVF at all!!

What a weird, weird and yet wonderful day.

May 2013

IS IUI NUMBER ONE!!!!

Woken up this morning with some mild cramping, but definitely no AF. My bet is spotting will start today/tomorrow and therefore CD2 (The first day of treatment) will be Friday/Saturday, which means I have plenty of time to get my injection consultation in with the nurse tomorrow.

I have NEVER been happier for AF to be late, and she is, CD33 for me now on a normally 31 day cycle. After the utter shite that was this month, karma must be cutting me some slack.

p.s. I promise no more gifs - I just can't resist the cats!

Can it be....?

I feel like I'm tempting fate a little by writing this post but so far THERE IS NO AF!!

I started doing OPKs on Monday 13th May and carried on until Saturday 18th May and never got a positive test, this covered CD15 - CD 21 (I usually ovulate around CD17). I got a near positive on Monday 13th and then they were completely negative from the 14th, so I assumed I had ovulated on 14th May. 

That makes me 14DPO today, I had some cramps this weekend and was sure I was out, but no AF yet! We even had some damn good bding last night, and that didn't bring anything on. (of course I haven't tested, don't be ridiculous!) 

My appointment is in 2 days and treatment for IUI starts on CD2. I usually have a day of spotting before CD1 officially starts (no tampons needed) sooooooooooo if spotting starts tomorrow my appointment will be on CD1 and we can start treatment!!!!

The only thing that can possibly fuck this up now, is if AF arrives tonight, in full flow, no spotting just WHAM. 

We are so fucking close to doing this, please let this be the one good thing of this month?!!! 

Observation

Some people are really damn annoying, and need a swift kick to the face.

5 months and counting....

I apologies for the title, whenever I hear a number less than 9 with the word 'months' following, my brain automatically thinks 'Pregnancy'. Rest assured it is not in any way, shape or form, related to procreation.

Whatever happens over the next few months I simply do not care anymore, as in 5 months time I will be here,in beautiful Tunisia for 7 whole days of sun, sea, sand, food and alcohol...No baby making, no shitty crappy England with its dull weather and dismal temperatures, no treatments, no stomach problems no nothing...I will spend 7 days thinking about nothing what so ever. Reading goods books, eating good food and getting a jolly good tan. I cant fucking wait.

I suppose this shows how confident we are that IUI is going to work ;) 

Edit: Was originally Crete,Greece. Now Tunisia due to holiday drama, a dodgy travel agent, arguments one cancellation, 4 hours on trip advisor and a final re-booking here, Monastir, Tunisia. 

Body, why do you hate me so?

Jeez, I've really been hammering the blog lately, huh? Sorry all! I'm just as annoying in real life as well :)

So after my successful hospital appointment on Monday, I had a routine ultrasound on my abdomen yesterday to check my gallbladder and pancreas just to make sure everything was checked before my gastroenterologist signed me off as being in good health. After my course of antibiotics for my stomach I've felt great, so I wasn't expecting anything to happen during the appointment yesterday, so much so I went on my own.

Well I was wrong. The very arsy ultrasound tech informed me, quite matter of fact, that I do indeed, have some unwanted gallstones on board (IM 25!) and my gallbladder will need to be removed. Fan-bloody-tastic.

I have since then read a lot about gallstone pain, and I hate to admit it, but it fits. I sometimes get annoying 'back ache' in between my shoulder blades, in fact I regularly get Martin to massage my back a few times a week because of them, pop a few paracetamol and try and sleep it off. This isn't unusual as I have had back problems in the past caused by whiplash and torn muscles. Well, turns out thats gallstone pain. When the gallbladder contracts to send bile into the intestine and there are gallstones, they get in the way, causing the pain. Voila - back ache.

So I find out I can start IUI this month (possibly) then get told the next day I need surgery. The symptoms for my gallstones are manageable at the minute, so the hospital will be in no rush to operate ASAP. Given the 12 week wait for my next specialist appointment, and another 12 week wait for surgery, I estimate November before my gallbladder is actually removed. Some people may disagree with how I'm handling this, but I'm NOT going to postpone by IF treatment because of this. We have a 20% chance of it working, I'm not putting everything on hold for 20%, we've waiting 12 months for this. Gallstones in pregnancy is also quite common due to hormone imbalance, if I do happen to fall pregnant, I'll deal with it the same way every other pregnant woman does. If I don't, I'll just take a month out when I'm having my gallbladder removed. Its never simple.

I also have a sneaking suspicion I ovulated yesterday (a day early!) as I had ovulation pain, which will fuck everything up because AF will most certainly arrive before my injection lessons putting IUI off until June. Although I didn't get a +OPK so I won't know for definite until tonight when I do another...

Damn you gallbladder you useless sack of nothingness! I dont even need you, why are you there?!!!

The appointment

I've just made it home after spending a good 90minutes with the fertility specialist at the hospital this morning. I feel...good.

We arrived 10 minutes before our appointment and this time for the go through the "assisted conception Unit' entrance rather than the usual gynaecology entrance. You can tell that they have fee paying patients at the clinic, as well as us funded patients. Instead of the NHS blue walls, floors and chairs with 3 year old magazines, broken water coolers and usually a very questionable smell, we had comfy, upholstered chairs, a waiting room with up to date copies of 'Vogue' and 'Elle', a free drinks machines and flowers, wallpaper etc...and one HUGE glass cabinet at one end of the waiting room, filled with pictures of babies and thank you cards people had sent in. (I did have to laugh at the number of twins...)

There was one other woman in the waiting room with us (who looked like she would rather be anywhere else in the world) and kept nipping to the toilet, she was then taken into a procedure room. Although I'm not sure what she was having done she looks very nervous. After around 30 mins the familiar face of our FS popped her head around the door and said "Stephanie, Martin, hello!" and although she sees hundreds of patients a week, and probably says the exact same thing to every couple, it makes you feel like you actually mean something to that doctor, rather than out old FS we never met.

So she explained we would be doing Stimulated IUI (SIUI), and every clinic uses different combinations of drugs, and at ours (Jessops Fertility, Sheffield) they use the exact same drugs as IVF, just in lower doses. She explains they did it this way as it if patients did have to have IVF in the future, they already had an idea how they would respond to the meds, and they had more success this way (makes sense).

The national average success rate for IUI is currentlt 14.5%, but thats for every couples in every different scenario, given our ages and healthy weights, life style etc...she thinks it will be around 20% for us, with success being more likely with concurrent IUIs (which I wasn't aware of) so we have more chance of being successful with our third than we do our first, which actually makes me feel better. Although I still doing believe we'll get a pregnancy out of this, my mind feels at ease.

I will begin [downregging] on CD2 with Suprecur (buserelin) if the scan shows my lining and everything seems to be doing great, I will take one Suprecur injection then go to have a blood test to see how I respond, from that they will know how much FSH I need to inject from CD3-10. CD10 I have another scan and bloods to check my ovaries and how they are responding, when I have one follie over 17mm I will be given my HCG trigger, and insemination will be 38hours after wards. If it looks like I am going to overstimulate, the cycle will be abandoned. They do, in some cases, perform egg reduction, where they use IVF techniques to remove excess eggs, only leaving the best ones in there, and then inseminate as usual.

We spent 45minutes going through paperwork, we had to sign to say we were fit parents, had no criminal records, no history of violence etc...then complete HFEA paperwork to say they could use our date for research, and that we agreed that our treatment could be used as examples on research papers, and they asked permission to be able to contact us, and any child born out or treatment, up until the childs 16th birthday. Obviously you can say no, but we ticked yes.

 We then got to the bloody annoying part. I have to be taught how to inject myself using the medications, and collect the medications, these 'consultations' only run on 3 days out of the month. The next 'nurse consultation' is on May 30th. My next AF is due May 29th. If AF does appear, and it is deemed CD1 on May 29th, I will not be able to start IUI this month. If AF is only spotting on 29th, and CD1 is 30th, we can do IUI this month. If AF is late, we can do IUI this month. If she shows up early or smack bang on time, it will be another 6 weeks before we can start. I think we should be OK to go this month in all honesty, but we'll see. Please keep your fingers crossed.

Now for the amazing news

Half way through the consultation, the FS starting flicking through paper work and looked puzzled, I then panicked and wondered what was going on. She then grabbed some documents, said "I just need to speak to our business manager, I'll be back" and left the room. 5 minutes later she returned with a smile on her face. Where we both live in a bit of a PCT nightmare, the village our GP is based in lies on three county boarders. We have a Sheffield address, Nottinghamshire telephone number and are classed as Rotherham Borough Council, so it often gets confusing, however our GP is classed as being in 'Rotherham' and not 'Sheffield'.  Anyway, apparently when we were first referred to the ACU at the hospital in Sheffield (are you following...) as there is no fertility centres anywhere else, we were wrongly assigned as Sheffield PCT. When the FS saw our address, she picked up on this and went to check if it was Sheffield PCT who were going to fund our fertility treatments, or was it Rotherham PCT as she suspected. This is then what we heard;

"Well, I have checked with our business manager who will be funding your treatment, and it is actully Rotherham PCT and not Sheffield PCT. Now this is very very good news for you, as their guidelines changed in April, and you are now entitled to two fully funded IVF cycles, where as Sheffield would only fund one. I'm so pleased for you!"

Two fully funded IVF cycles!!! Although for once we have benefitted from the post code lottery, it still disgusts me how unfair the process is. Luckily we are registered as the GP in my home village. Had we have registered with the GP in Martins home village, 3 miles down the road, we would be Sheffield PCT and lose a cycle of IVF. It's so so fucking ridiculous.

I'm not hopeful for IUI, the FS wasn't hopeful about IUI, she explained that its a process that patients go through and its a step we need to take to get to the 'hard treatment' and to see it as such. You would think that would be hard to hear, but it wasn't as such. I think the fact that she followed it up with the fact we are now able to have 2 IVFs has given me a whole new lease of hope. We were extremely grateful to be able to access one round of IVF, however it is often explained to me that IVF is where 'unexplained' becomes explained, and problems with eggs and sperm are recognised, but if you only have one shot, how do you fix it? Now with two, we have the chance to try and identify any problems, fix them, then try again.

Everything will change over the next 12 months, I just don't know which way yet.

Observation

Whenever I have an appointment with the assisted conception unit, I always make the effort to dress smartly. I don't know what my rational is behind it, I just feel uncomfortable rocking up in my jeans and converse. This thing of mine is completely ridiculous. Every time I'm in the waiting room I always see 'professional' looking couples, men in shirts and trousers and woman who look like they've walked straight from their CEO job and into the hospital. It's funny you never see the tracksuit wearing, thing on show, fag in mouth woman in there (they're all at home with their 4 kids). I wonder if these 'professional' couples all do exactly the same as me? I believe the reason I do it is because I look so young, and at 25 could easily pass for a fresh faced 20 year old, and for some reason I think people in the waiting room will judge me for this. Dressing in my smartest work wear will, in some way, help me to portray myself as some sort of mature adult who deserves to have a child. I also only have 'adult' conversation with Marts while in the waiting room, we discuss work, the house, food shopping, holidays etc... And leave the drunken tales from the weekend, playing our 'who can be the most inappropriate in a public place' game and silly name calling until we get safely back into the car. Like its some sort of competition, if the FS thinks I'm young and immature whereas there is a very serious and mature couple in the room next door, they'll get the good embryologist, they'll get all the care taken with the semen washes.

I always, obviously, look at every other couple in there and think "why are they here?".

Gulp!

After 6 months of waiting, today is finally the day. Appointment in 2 hours. So terrified. Anyone would think I was going in to give birth!!

Pull yourself together woman!!

Lonely

After a bad week of everything happening at once, our due date yesterday and having an appointment with both the FS and the gastro doc on Monday, I had a bit of a break down last night. To be honest I think I needed it a while ago, but have been happily living in my bubble.

Work has been so shitty lately, I actually feel worthless if that makes any sense? I share a corridor with 3 other people, all are seriously stuck up their own arses and make no attempt to speak to me what-so-ever. This week I have been at work, and as the students are on holiday, I have sat at my desk in absolute silence for 8 hours a day. My manager is not responding to emails about me needing time off, the staff I usually work with are now on summer holidays so are not on campus which means i am thumb twiddling, we have a huge leak in the bathroom ceiling that means the whole thing needs re-plastering, Martins grandads health is getting worse and worse and I'm not sure how long he realistically has left, Martin may be loosing his job before summer arrives, my best friend has started TTC (which is being kept a secret from me, but another friend let it slip, thanks...) so i'm awaiting that announcement, Martins cousins baby scans are all over Facebook, MIL is demanding Marting go here, there and everywhere, and I just need everything to stop. For just a moment.

I broke down last night after breaking a glass whilst washing the dishes. I think my depression is starting to sneak back in again, but I sincerely hope not. I took a sneaky day off work today to just try an sort my head out. If that meant crying for 2 hours straight then baking bread, so be it.

The real reason why I think i'm feeling like trapped in a bubble with the air slowly being sucked out, is I'm lonely, and scared, with nowhere to turn. For those that read my blog, please don't see this as a negative against you. I have gained best friends out of my IF, and I will class them as close friends for the forseable future and nothing will change that, but inevitably, as our paths all take different routes, we all start travelling in different directions. I'm sort of in the middle of a path, on my own, without a map or directions.

I'm terrified about IUI, loosing sleep at night terrified. I'm convinced it isn't going to work, I so don't want to put myself through that pain of seeing BFN after BFN after medication. Clomid failures almost killed me, now I'm putting myself through it again and I'm so scared I can't even put into words how I feel. I just cry. But at the same time, I completely understand how unbelievably lucky I am to have the opportunity to have IUI, so have no right what so ever to complain about going through it, I know this. But it doesn't stop me being petrified of what the next three months have in store, and the following months after that. Martin is ever the optimist and I am so sick of hearing "Well I'm hopeful" or "I think it will work" when in reality, the odds are not in our favour. I've spent most of today researching, and I came across a poll which showed that last month 43 woman went their IUI, ONE woman got a BFP. It's even more terrifying to read about all the miscarriages after IUIs - I can't go through that again.

I'm rambling here, and I apologies, but here is the only place I can ramble. I have no friends to talk to about this. All of my friends are either secretly TTC (I'd imagine soon to be ex, sadly) or too busy planning trips around the world, drinking events or parties to ask in passing how I am. Martins family haven't asked us one thing about LTTTC since we came out to them in June, NOT ONE THING. They all go on like its not happening and while I love my Dad to death, but he's not exactly the person I want to call and discuss follies with during medication and sadly I don't have my Mum.

I'm more scared about what I'm going to do when I get that first BFN (realistically this is the result, I like hope but not false hope) who is going to support me? Martin can't take time off work, I have no friends at work and my real life friends dont know or care enough to ask questions. So it will be me, alone in the house. There will be nothing, what so ever, stopping that depressiong from coming back and slapping me across the face.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday little one, I'm sorry we only met briefly and we didn't get the chance to know you. We still think of you constantly, and hope that one day in the future we'll get the chance to try again. We love you.

We should be having a party for you today, but if your anything like your dad no doubt you would have been awkward so today's date may have not meant a thing. But just so you know, mummy will celebrate by lighting a candle and having a drink. It may not be classy, it certainly isn't ideal but that's your Mum, and if you were a girl, you would be exactly the same.

Xxx

ARGH

Our last appointment with FS was January 4th 2013. Finally, in 6 days time we're having out first IUI consultation, so this time next week I will know if IUI will be this month or next.

After waiting for it to come for so long, now Im dreading the testing, symptom spottings and all the stress and tears that are about to be welcomed back into my life with a massive bang.

But then 5 minutes later Im unbelievably excited and wish the appointment was today so we can start planning.

Sort yourself out head.

Supportive my big fat bottom!

I belong to a Facebook community which is supposed to provide support for all women (and men) going through infertility. 

If I read one more comment on there along the lines of "If you can afford IVF, skip IUI" or "IUI was a waste of time" I'm going to start fucking shit up. 

What about those who don't have the option of skipping IUI? Or can't afford IVF? What you're pretty much saying to them is "Ha, the 3 months worth of treatment you're going to put yourself through is a huge waste of time, you won't get pregnant, and nothing good will come of it" 

Fuck you. 

When I was 5 I fell off my dads motorbike (while it was parked in the back garden) and badly cut my knee (got the scars to prove it!) I went to the hospital and first they tried gluing it, that didn't work, so I ended up with stitches. Using the same logic, I'm going to go and hang around the Accident and Emergency Department today wearing a huge sandwich board that reads 

"DON'T LET THEM USE GLUE ON ANY LACERATIONS, ITS SHIT. IT DOESN'T WORK. JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR STITCHES AND DON'T BE SO STUPID!"

Yeah, I'm in one of those moods.