Tuesday 30 April 2013

Another year older

I turned 25 two days ago, I don't feel any different than I did 3 days ago, but now I just have a different imaginary number following me around wherever I go. Since I was young my life goal was to have children when I was 25, so I officially have 362 days left to achieve a positive pregnancy test. Lets so how this goes...

My birthday weekend was great! I booked Friday and Monday off work so it was a long 4 day weekend, we went to the zoo on Saturday, as I love the zoo like a big kid! Obviously, the zoo was full of young children running around and massively pregnant woman, so I kept myself occupied cooing over baby giraffes and the new born meerkats. We then stayed in a gorgeous Bed and Breakfast, which turned out to be just over the boarder and into Wales (It took us a good 4 hours of being there to realise we weren't in England any more, and even then it was only because of the welsh writing everywhere!) As we were already in Wales, the next morning we drove a couple of hours further down the coast and visited Caenarfon Castle, which is beautiful and great fun to run around! Its not one of those historic castle that's all fenced off for safety, its was a castle built in 1322 which you can still walk around. We walked through all the great halls, the walls, up and down every turret, visited the kings chambers, climbed through secret tunnels and ended up in dungeons and in the old kitchens, it was scary, but fascinating! Definitely worth a visit!


This is a photo we took of one of the turrets you can climb, good workout for the legs!!



Now I'm back at work, and god do I need a new job. My brain is melting and I'm bored to tears at this place, but it's so quiet and so understanding they're great with the IF and time off, so I'm stuck in a bit of a catch 22 situation. 

When I joined the university I was employed as a academic and pastoral tutor for the students, so my job is to help them with assignments, understanding how to write them, marking criteria etc...as well as dealing with pastoral problems, relationship breakdowns, financial difficulties, housing issues etc...you name it, I have dealt with it. This was a job that nobody had ever done before, so I was the first person in the role. I work with three different degree teams, and out of those three, only one have made me feel welcome. I think the other two feel a little threatened by my presence, as I am pretty much here to make sure the students are happy and are learning properly, if they aren't, they are the ones who get the slack for it. So two of the degree programmes very rarely communicate with me at all (The last email I received from one department was 2012...) but I deal with their students regularly, so its not to bad. Now, the programme who did make me feel welcome have been brilliant, have kept me very busy and I genuinely feel like part of the team. I've done some teaching for them, I see their students regularly and work with them almost daily, that was until they were told the degree programme they are running is not going to exist after next year. So now they have mostly stopped caring, stopped coming into university, mostly work from home and are, I imagine, mostly looking for alternative work. Queue me now coming into work at 8.30am every morning, sitting in my office and twiddling my thumbs for 8 hours until 5pm and hoping a student needs me at some point. Its exam period and we have no students in, so I have to try and pass 8 hours a day productively. 

I shouldn't moan at all, when I was teaching full time I was seriously stressed, making myself ill stressed, I cried most mornings and my relationship was in tatters, now I'm very relaxed, I can do what I want in the evenings, no planning, no weekend work, just get up, come to work, go home. Except I'm bored to tears and think my brain is dissolving a little bit more with every passing day I spend here. I'm not lazy, I love working in education, but when you're working with people who don't want you to be here, so don't include you in department decisions, I'm practically being paid to just fill an office and tick a box saying 'Yes, we have one of those'. Again, I shouldn't moan, I get paid a very decent wage, more than I did teaching, and without the stress, I can also work from home one day a week which is a godsend. I'm just.....bored. I'm never happy, right? It also means hospital appointments etc...aren't a problem as I can take holiday leave, and also work from home after procedures etc...so although I've applied for 5 teaching posts this past week, I might be shooting myself in the foot there? 

I don't know, I'm rambling now. Thats because I've been in my office for 4 hours already today, and haven't spoken to another human being yet.... seriously.

Well, on the plus side of life, its 13 days until our first IUI appointment. I'm so excited and terrified all at the same time. AF arrived right on time (for a change!) on my birthday (lovely of her!) so next AF should be May 29th. My appointment is on May13th, I'm seriously hoping I can fit in an appointment with the nurse for meds and injection lessons between the appointment and AF, as then I will be on my first IUI cycle. 

Cross your fingers and wish me luck!! Heres to lucky 25....

Friday 26 April 2013

Gift

In case you are ovulating


Now close your eyes, and go for it.

If you weren't ovulating, you are now...

Sunday 21 April 2013

Lost?

Yesterday Resolve: The national Infertility Association placed a status on Facebook asking something along the lines of  "I know I'll beat infertility because...." and members/followers were invited to finish off the sentence. I read them.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of answers that gave GOD as the reason they know they'll beat infertility. So, what about those who don't believe in God? I would LOVE to have some sort of faith which makes me think everything will work out for the best, but I'm more inclined to go with science, which isn't in my favour.

So my question is, if I don't believe in God or any higher being, how do I keep going to 4 years+?

Thursday 18 April 2013

Please?


Its my birthday, so do it for me, please?

Information

http://1-in-10.org/first-annual-lights-out-for-infertility-awareness-and-a-pretty-sweet-giveaway

Dare I put this as my cover photo during national infertility awareness week? I will if you will?




Tuesday 16 April 2013

Happy Birthday to meeeed...

Not quite yet, but I can now officially say its my birthday next week! I love birthdays, I don't know why, they are always inevitably disappointing, however we are going away for the weekend which I think is what I'm really most excited about.

My final days of my 24th year of life, make em good life!

Thursday 11 April 2013

A new low...

I've reached a new life low... Or possible the best thing I've ever done.

Today Travis was signed up to become a cat model. Yep that's right, he belongs to a cat model agency.

Look out for his pretty face on pet food near you soon!

Tuesday 9 April 2013

The long awaited appointment!

It arrived today, hurrah!!!

The appointment with the Assisted conception specialist on May 13th at 10am, we have to go through IUI, the risks, counselling and sign the papers, then arrange to see the nurse to go through meds and how to inject and then we can start.

It's later than we wanted, as we've been waiting since OCTOBER and it seems our first IUI will be around 29th May when AF arrives/start of June depending on when she decides to show up. Fucking June! BUT I don't care, we have a date, we can finally get the ball moving with this and are lucky to have the opportunity. If only we didn't have to wait for a new cycle to start we could do it sooner.

BUT WE'RE DOING THIS! Better late than never! :)

Monday 8 April 2013

Picked myself up, again

This weekend if I wasn't sleeping or eating, I had a drink in my hand. An alcoholic drink. Unhealthy? Yes. Bad. Never. Yesterday we got up early, went for a walk around our house now the snow had cleared. Saw new lambs, some calfs, were followed by a pig and her piglet, scared off a mummy rabbit and her bunnies (ha!) and then went home and baked bread. Wasn't I little miss housewife?! I started baking bread at around 1pm, that was also my first glass of wine, and the wine continued until I went to bed at 9.30pm. I wasn't drunk, just a nice level of happy enough to get through the day.

Then I was woken at 4am by two absolutely crazy cats chasing eachother around the house. Fluffy cats + wooden floors + ornaments = A very long and tiring day.

Yawn

Friday 5 April 2013

My life seems to be a string of small annoyances, strung together to make days...

One can only assume that the super strength antibiotics I was on last week have messed up me cycle. There is no 'real' evidence to suggest it can, but a few post online have said that the particular antibiotic cocktail I was on, affected AF.

I started taking the antibiotics on CD31, the day AF should have arrived, but she didn't, she arrives on CD37, the day before I stopped taking the pills. My AF cramps are usually unbearable, this month I had one bad morning and thats it. In the past week I've probably used 4 tampons total, as the bleeding isn't even enough to warrant wearing one, so I suppose thats just prolonged spotting right?

Maybe this will stretch next cycle out a little bit more so we have more of a chance of squeezing IUI in at the start of next AF. I want to get this started so bad, but I'm also starting to let the negativity creep in some what and letting IF beat me down once again.

All i've read these past few days is how IUI for unexplained in useless, and theres no point in doing it. Success rates are no higher than 'normal' people having 'normal' sex during any 'normal' month. I don't want to spend three months with false hope. I know the first month is going to be the worst, my first month on Clomid was horrific. I have NEVER been so upset and angry as the day AF arrived after the first month of treatment, I don't know what I'm going to do when the first IUI fails. I'll be a mess, thats what I'll do. I know, I need to be positive, but I'm a realist, if clomid and timed intercourse didn't work, why would IUI? They can't even figure out whats wrong with us, so why would it work?

I'm just seeing IUI as three hoops i need to jump through in order to get to IVF. Three painful hoops that I'll collapse onto the floor after every jump, only to make myself get back up and do it all again.

Fuck

Tuesday 2 April 2013

Patience was never one of my strong points.

Its been two weeks since our referral for IUI was made and we haven't heard anything, so I called the Assisted Conception Unit this morning to double check the referral had been made (given my past experience with NHS!) and I was told the referral had been made on March 21st (yay!) but the lady who makes appointments was off work last week (they only have ONE lady?!) and we should have our first IUI appointment within the next 7-10 days, and she doesn't think there is much of a waiting time.

Hopefully, the first appointment will be drugs, how to use them, how to inject and then start. Which means that AF being 7 days late was actually a blessing in disguise! Thats IF we get our appointment in April, it may not work that way. I'm getting very impatient now, we could have been on IUI no.2 by now if they hadn't messed up the first time. BUT at least things are moving and the referral was made. Now to wait, and wait and wait....

I will pass the time by looking for our holiday in October - We're thinking Egypt - excited!

xx