Is all I can manage without wanting to write on this damn thing. I guess as much as I want to hide (and I am still, very much hiding) I've realised my blog is extremely therapeutic I don't even think I'm writing for an audience any more, I just get an immense sense of 'release' when I've typed everything down here. Maybe I've found my therapy? I also write quite long blog posts when I need 'therapy' the most. I apologies in advance to all of you that stumble across this or are bothered to read it.
I have a weird obsession with odds and evens, not just numbers, but a sort of weird synaesthesia type thing where I assign an 'odd' or 'even' feeling to names, days, months, words, letters etc...and I don't like odds. E.g. Stephanie would be an even name, because it's nice and curved and rounded. Martin would be an odd name as it is more jagged and pointy (make sense?) a,b, e, s, g, o are all even letters, but i, j, l, k, m, y, z, x are all odd letters. But there isn't necessarily a set pattern, I just get a feeling. e.g. Monday, Wednesday, Friday are 'odd' days, where as Tuesdays, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday are all 'even' days, and I feel much better on even days.
I won't sit in an odd seat number in cinemas, on planes etc... and I don't' like to have 'odd' numbers of things on my plate. The numbers 1,3, 5, 7 and 9 are my arch nemeses, they are the worst of all the odd numbers because not only are they odd, but they are single numbers, which is '1' so also odd. My personal justification as to why 2013 has not been out year pregnancy wise is that it is an odd year, and therefore would be unlucky for us to get pregnant this year. 2014 sounds like a much nicer, even year.
I'm an even person, I was born on 28th of 4th in 1988, my husband is an even person born on 12th of 8th 1986 so that's perfect. But today, Wednesday 31st July 2013 is as odd as you could possibly get, it's a bad day, bad things will happen. So I am naturally in a bit of a anxious mood (I know, I'm mental) so I'm doing things to make it better.
Yesterday was a bad day. My first day back at work after my illness and it's only when I take time off from work and return, that I realise how much I hate my job. On paper it's perfect, I can work from home, they are flexible with time off, and on the whole there are nice people here. But in reality I can't stand it, but due to the flexibility and my ability to attend hospital appointments I'm sort of bound to stay here until I am either pregnant, or move on with my life. Plus, I've been here for 13 months, so despite it being a fixed term contract until July 2014 (extension possible) I would be granted maternity leave if it applied.
Bad parts of the job;
1) Its 35 miles away from home. The traval time to and from work is almost soul destroying. Our alarm goes off at 6am every morning (which isn't too bad, I agree) and I don't arrive at my office until 9am. I leave work at 5pm and usually arrive home at around 7-7.30pm. Thats a nice round 13-14 hours a day away from home. We usually get 2-3 hours together in the evening before falling asleep.
2) I do have friends here, often people you wouldn't imagine I'd be friends with, like the 53 year old IT manager who lives in the office next door, we just get on and share a mutual dislike for many of the institutes regulations and employees. However, the majority of the staff speak to you and treat you like you are something that has just been spat out and dragged across a field of horse manure. Real academics, on the whole, are pompous twats who need to be slapped across the face with a huge metal rod.
3) My brain is turning to mush. Without sounded like the aforementioned pompous twat, I'd like to class myself as quite an intelligent and well educated individual. I put myself through my BSc, I continued on to gain my qualification in teaching and education, and I enjoy working as an examiner for one of the biggest exam boards in the UK, but when I step into my office I might as well forget around 70% of all my knowledge and intellect because it won't be used. I work in an institution which is supposed to value education and training, I applied for the position with this in mind, yet, believe it or not, I am one of few members of staff that actually hold a professional qualification in teaching. In fact I can't name one of lecturer who I work with on a regular basis who has had any formal training in the methods, rationale or successful teaching techniques. Yes I agree, they are absolute experts in their field and are much more knowledgeable than I even will be in their chosen subject, but put me in a room with them so I can watch them teach and it's like watching a car crash in action.
Most still believe writing on a board while the student copy down into their own note pads is a legitimate and successful method of imparting knowledge onto people, the students inevitably fail to perform as well as they deserve to, the lecturers are completely 'baffled' by the failing of students and their inability to grasp information and meeting usually descend into a discussion into 'How can the students be so stupid?;. I am absolutely dying to scream "...the students are failing because you are not TEACHING, you are TALKING at them and hoping something sticks..." alas, every attempt to suggest different ways of putting information across has been met with snarls of "...sorry, you're not really qualified to give that sort of advice" so I retreat back to my office, to console the students when they fail to assignment, work with them to get better, but can never put my name to any individual success of a student, because that's not my job.
4) All attempts to discuss my worries and concerns with my manager are met with "Oh, you're doing fabulous. You're a credit to the department" which to be honest, is all bullshit to keep me quiet. I have been told that non of the staff wanted me here to begin with, and they my role with teh department is purely so they can 'tick a box' and tell the Dean that they have a support tutor, I'm not used. Most of the staff will not recognise me as being remotely trained to deal with students, they refuse to refer students on to me as they clearly know better. I think the students are fantastic, they are very intellectual and eager to learn, but are let down by the system. Therefore I spend the majority of my days in my office, drinking tea of coffee, reading the news headlines, responding to student emails and speaking with students directly, but being ignored by staff and often twiddling my thumbs. For instance today, I have one meeting with my manager at 2.30pm, the rest of my day is completely empty. The students are on summer holidays as are the teaching staff. I have no jobs to do, no 'to do list' and have even brought in my book to keep me occupied. Yet I get out of bed every morning at 6am to sit in my office for 8 hours, alone, with no human contact, just to say I did.
I left a very stressful job as a full time teaching where the hours from 7am-9pm would fly past, often with too much work to be carried out in such an amount of time. I would have Friday evenings off but straight back to work on Saturday morning, marking, planning and preparing. It made me ill, tests showed it affected my fertility and I was crying regularly, and I don't regret leaving that position with that particular institution, but to go from that, to this....in short, I feel absolutely worthless.
5) I car share to work, and half the price of petrol for the journey. My monthly travel expenses are now £140, which is better than the £240 monthly train ticket to work. However, yesterday my car sharer informed me that she is moving to the city we work in, and won't be able to offer me a lift any more. This means my travel expenses will now jump back up to £240 a month. Add on to that Martins expenses of £140 a month and that £400 of our income that is gone straight away. It's almost getting to the point where I can't afford to work here any more.
Yet I can't leave, because at this stage of treatment there is no better position for me to be in.
I enquired into a alternative position with the university this morning, I am qualified for the position, but not sure if office politics will prevent the enquiry from going any further. The pay scale is 2 grades higher than my current, which would mean a pay increase of between £4000 and £8000 a year. This would mean that travel costs wouldn't really be an issue.....fingers crossed.
To top off all of my manic ramblings, I was surprised to find I was bleeding yesterday. Not too heavy, but enough to warrant a tampon and fresh blood. I called the clinic and they said it was my period, 4 days after stopping cetrotide. Which I thought was odd, but who am I to argue. I have absolutely no pain what so ever, and this morning the bleeding has all but stopped. Rendering my mind officially fucked...
Wednesday 31 July 2013
Monday 29 July 2013
Surgeon outcome
Just got out from my meeting with the surgeon, or the surgeons registrar more specifically. He was a lovely doctor, very straight forward, quite jolly and very pleasant to say I was the last patient of the day. He actually looked at my discharge form from the hospital which made a change. He asked me what tests I had done, what the results were etc...and that was that.
6-8 weeks waiting time. Which is better than it could be, but not brilliant. Our appointment with the FS is September 9th (6 weeks exactly) to discuss post-gallbladder treatment. We go on holiday in 10 weeks...hopefully it will be closer to 6 weeks than 8 so Im not sporting fresh surgical scars in my bikini.
Mixed emotions. Relieved it isnt 18 weeks, disappointed it isnt 3 weeks. I won't be completely happy until I actually have a date set, just have to wait for the letter to come through from the hospital with a surgery date.
Earliest possible start date for IVF looks like November, 13 months after we were told we could start treatment.
6-8 weeks waiting time. Which is better than it could be, but not brilliant. Our appointment with the FS is September 9th (6 weeks exactly) to discuss post-gallbladder treatment. We go on holiday in 10 weeks...hopefully it will be closer to 6 weeks than 8 so Im not sporting fresh surgical scars in my bikini.
Mixed emotions. Relieved it isnt 18 weeks, disappointed it isnt 3 weeks. I won't be completely happy until I actually have a date set, just have to wait for the letter to come through from the hospital with a surgery date.
Earliest possible start date for IVF looks like November, 13 months after we were told we could start treatment.
Sunday 28 July 2013
Time out
I got this today, and I really need this.
I will be updating my blog tomorrow after Ive met with the surgeon, and then I will be staying quiet for a while. IF is defeating me at the moment, I love my support network to death, but even the majority of those woman are pregnant. I'm not coping, at all. I need to shut myself out of anything and everything baby related for the time being. Not forever, not entirely, but at least for a short while. I don't have my health to fall back on, my sanity is the only thing I have left and at the minute it's hanging on by a thread.
Friday 26 July 2013
...and another thing
I stopped taking my cetrotide today which prevent ovulation, so all my lovely juicy eggs have just been sitting in there for an extra 4-5 days all dying to come out. My body has been seriously geared up for ovulation for about 10 days, and my hormones are there to match.
If I could spend all day naked in bed with Martin I would, but sex is banned until after AF....
How ironic it would be if we 'slipped up(or in)' and ended up the next octo-mom....
If I could spend all day naked in bed with Martin I would, but sex is banned until after AF....
How ironic it would be if we 'slipped up(or in)' and ended up the next octo-mom....
7 days after gallstone-gate
...and I still don't feel 100%. I think it's a mixture of the antibiotics, on going infection fighting my body is doing and my generally crap mood i've been in this week. I need to give myself a good shake and get out of it.
Obviously we're still very much devastated about our IVF outcome, although we also know how lucky we are to still have out two attempts and be able to pick up in a few months (surgery dependent). To say we were supposed to start treatment in January and then it was fuck up after fuck up on the NHS part that pushed it to July, to get 30% of the way through cycle and then everything fuck up again is just a little bit of a push too far for me at the moment. I need a few weeks to wallow and then I'll be back to my normal self again.
I know I've brought it on myself, and I should have had the surgery before doing IVF anyway, I know this, I've blamed myself for this ever since it happened. But I can't help but feel like I can't take full responsibility for it as my surgeon gave me his blessing to postpone the operation until after IVF, saying it wouldn't affect it. I only realised how odd this was when I explained this to a team of 5 surgeons stood around the bottom of my hospital bed on Sunday, and they all looked at each other in disbelief.
The huge, massive saviour of this whole situation is that my gallbladder didn't wait 7 days and try and kill me, as we would have already had embryo transfer and be at the start of our TWW. The amount of drugs I was given last weekend and the drugs I've been taking this week, not to mention the sheer stress and exhaustion of it all, would have guaranteed a failed cycle, and we would have lost it and only have one remaining. In fact if my GB had waited just 3 more days to give out we would have lost a cycle. So for that we are thankful.
Much to my amazement I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I'm not quite sure why, as I have had every test under the sun this weekend and there isn't much to discuss. Lets just hope I can get my argument in in person as to why he should take it out there and then. I should find out how long I have to wait. Gulp.
Over the next few days I shall be working on improving my mood and pulling myself back together, because it's not doing anything for anyone.
It's Martins birthday in 17 days and we have the holiday to look forward to after that on October 9th (75 days and counting...), then on 26th October it's our 2 year wedding anniversary, so there is actually good stuff in the world. We have another birth announcement to look forward to in the next 7-10 days which fills me with about as much joy as something that isn'y very joyful (cousin we hate) but everything else should be good.
Thank you to everyone who has contacted me or sent me lovely messages over the past week, I do very very much appreciate it! I'm sorry I've been negative nancy and been very quiet on the responding front, I'm just being oscar the grouch, living in a dark box with very little contact and all. The only person I really want to be around at the minute is Martin, and I'm very clingy to him currently, if he had a bag big enough to fit me in I would definitely be at work with him now.
Obviously we're still very much devastated about our IVF outcome, although we also know how lucky we are to still have out two attempts and be able to pick up in a few months (surgery dependent). To say we were supposed to start treatment in January and then it was fuck up after fuck up on the NHS part that pushed it to July, to get 30% of the way through cycle and then everything fuck up again is just a little bit of a push too far for me at the moment. I need a few weeks to wallow and then I'll be back to my normal self again.
I know I've brought it on myself, and I should have had the surgery before doing IVF anyway, I know this, I've blamed myself for this ever since it happened. But I can't help but feel like I can't take full responsibility for it as my surgeon gave me his blessing to postpone the operation until after IVF, saying it wouldn't affect it. I only realised how odd this was when I explained this to a team of 5 surgeons stood around the bottom of my hospital bed on Sunday, and they all looked at each other in disbelief.
The huge, massive saviour of this whole situation is that my gallbladder didn't wait 7 days and try and kill me, as we would have already had embryo transfer and be at the start of our TWW. The amount of drugs I was given last weekend and the drugs I've been taking this week, not to mention the sheer stress and exhaustion of it all, would have guaranteed a failed cycle, and we would have lost it and only have one remaining. In fact if my GB had waited just 3 more days to give out we would have lost a cycle. So for that we are thankful.
Much to my amazement I have an appointment with my surgeon on Monday. I'm not quite sure why, as I have had every test under the sun this weekend and there isn't much to discuss. Lets just hope I can get my argument in in person as to why he should take it out there and then. I should find out how long I have to wait. Gulp.
Over the next few days I shall be working on improving my mood and pulling myself back together, because it's not doing anything for anyone.
It's Martins birthday in 17 days and we have the holiday to look forward to after that on October 9th (75 days and counting...), then on 26th October it's our 2 year wedding anniversary, so there is actually good stuff in the world. We have another birth announcement to look forward to in the next 7-10 days which fills me with about as much joy as something that isn'y very joyful (cousin we hate) but everything else should be good.
Thank you to everyone who has contacted me or sent me lovely messages over the past week, I do very very much appreciate it! I'm sorry I've been negative nancy and been very quiet on the responding front, I'm just being oscar the grouch, living in a dark box with very little contact and all. The only person I really want to be around at the minute is Martin, and I'm very clingy to him currently, if he had a bag big enough to fit me in I would definitely be at work with him now.
Wednesday 24 July 2013
Why is everything just shit?
I'm down in the dumps, as you can imagine. I feel like crap. The Augmentin is making me feel worse and worse with every dose, not to mention I need a dose of codeine just to eat a meal now. Plus I should have been having egg collection right around today...so I'm a big ball of negativity.
The clinic asked me to take 4 extra days of Cetrotide, I assume that's to give my ovaries time to calm down before any ovulation occurs. Also, ovulation with that amount of eggs?! How the hell will the work? Anyway...I went to the clinic to collect the Cetrotide and one of the nurses who has been dealing with us saw me, stopped performing her morning scans and took me into a room so we could have a chat. Did I mention we love our clinic? Denise (the nurse) is so lovely, so asked how I was doing and if I understood why they had to stop the IVF, which of course I did. She has already made an appointment for us to speak with the doctor on September 9th, before us even having to ask. She also had to have her gallbladder removed not long ago, so she said she understood what was going on. She said that although recovery from surgery is quick, they'd like me to have a little extra time as when I'm going through IVF I wouldn't be able to take any pain meds or antibiotics of anything which may come as a result of the surgery, which makes perfect sense. We have out holiday in October, so realistically, it will be November before we can pick this back up again. Yes, not a typo, November. 4 months from now. 4 fucking months. As if we haven't waited and waited and waited. I want to cry every time I think of it.
I called my surgeon as soon as I left the clinic, as I had been given an open appointment to have the cholesestectomy when I so wished, and got through to his secretary. She explained that she thought I was wrong and I actually only had an appointment to SEE the consultant again, and I'd still have to go on the waiting list for the surgery, but she will speak to the surgeon. I'm not getting too angry just yet, because I know she SHOULD be in the wrong, however if it pans out this way, which is completely different to the information I've been told, it will be 18 weeks before possible surgery. That means no IVF until 2014. Did I mention I was hospitalised with this mere days ago and they already knew about the issue, but will still make me wait almost 4 months?! Thats 4 months of it possibly happening again at any time...I'm hoping I can kick and scream loud enough for then to listen, but I'm seriously loosing faith that we will every be parents.
Yes, totally and utterly down in dumps at the minute. I'm sick of dealing with this shit. When have we last had a good month? Why can't ANYTHING go our way? We need some luck.
The clinic asked me to take 4 extra days of Cetrotide, I assume that's to give my ovaries time to calm down before any ovulation occurs. Also, ovulation with that amount of eggs?! How the hell will the work? Anyway...I went to the clinic to collect the Cetrotide and one of the nurses who has been dealing with us saw me, stopped performing her morning scans and took me into a room so we could have a chat. Did I mention we love our clinic? Denise (the nurse) is so lovely, so asked how I was doing and if I understood why they had to stop the IVF, which of course I did. She has already made an appointment for us to speak with the doctor on September 9th, before us even having to ask. She also had to have her gallbladder removed not long ago, so she said she understood what was going on. She said that although recovery from surgery is quick, they'd like me to have a little extra time as when I'm going through IVF I wouldn't be able to take any pain meds or antibiotics of anything which may come as a result of the surgery, which makes perfect sense. We have out holiday in October, so realistically, it will be November before we can pick this back up again. Yes, not a typo, November. 4 months from now. 4 fucking months. As if we haven't waited and waited and waited. I want to cry every time I think of it.
I called my surgeon as soon as I left the clinic, as I had been given an open appointment to have the cholesestectomy when I so wished, and got through to his secretary. She explained that she thought I was wrong and I actually only had an appointment to SEE the consultant again, and I'd still have to go on the waiting list for the surgery, but she will speak to the surgeon. I'm not getting too angry just yet, because I know she SHOULD be in the wrong, however if it pans out this way, which is completely different to the information I've been told, it will be 18 weeks before possible surgery. That means no IVF until 2014. Did I mention I was hospitalised with this mere days ago and they already knew about the issue, but will still make me wait almost 4 months?! Thats 4 months of it possibly happening again at any time...I'm hoping I can kick and scream loud enough for then to listen, but I'm seriously loosing faith that we will every be parents.
Yes, totally and utterly down in dumps at the minute. I'm sick of dealing with this shit. When have we last had a good month? Why can't ANYTHING go our way? We need some luck.
Tuesday 23 July 2013
Ergh
Just a very quick update: on Augmentin to fight off whatever it is that's causing my liver problems and inflammation of the gallbladder. Augmentin sucks arse and makes me feel like I need to walk around with a bucket attacked to me so I can vomit at any time.
Bleugh
Bleugh
Monday 22 July 2013
CD 12 - My uterus and gallbladder have teamed up to form an elite baby hating gang
Soooooo I have finally been discharged from hospital at 8pm this evening. Hurrah!
Findings; acute cholestistius (inflammation of the gallbladder) with gallstones and some form of liver damage. My liver function tests were apparently far too high to be caused by just a gallstone, so there is something else there that may have passed, possibly a gallstone.
MRI shows gallstones but luckily no stones in the bile ducts (anymore..) MRI was exciting, I pretended I was in an episode of House.
Despite everything that I told the surgeon they were still determined to tell me I had hyper stimulation of the ovaries - sent me for an abdominal and pelvic scan. Abdominal scan showed a very contracted and damaged gallbladder with plenty of stones - clearly the cause of the pain. Worst part? The ultrasound tech showed me the ultrasound of my ovaries - all my "juicy eggs" (her words, not mine) that are going to waste. There were A LOT, my left and right ovary were touching to make just one nice egg producing line. She tried to count but we made it to 20 and gave up. I'm not saying that all of those would have actual eggs on them, but at least we know the meds worked well and I responded exactly as I should. Just to note: the gynaecology specialist came to see me and confirmed that I didn't have OHSS or any symptoms and my ovaries were perfectly healthy, just larger. Fucking annoying that I now need to just leave them!
The clinic called while I was at the hospital to speak to me, and the nurse explained they had had a meeting just about us to decide what action to take. They did agree that the gallbladder needs to come out now before treatment, and they want me to continue Cetrotide for 5 days without stimming and use protection this cycle (tempting not to...but god knows the consequences) and keep them informed. If the surgery goes well and I recover I should be OK to get back into IVF as soon as its complete. I know it's a day surgery with a 7 days recovery period, but lets see.
I have been given a weeks worth of antibiotics to help with the pain and inflammation of the gallbladder, I need to return in a week to have more liver function tests carried out as they were still abnormal today, and call my surgeon tomorrow to arrange gallbladder removal. Hopefully, it will be within 2-3 weeks. So fingers crossed, we may be able to pick up where we left off on September, or due to the holiday, we may have to wait until November.
Fuck shit wank balls / typing it up like that is no fun.
We are devastated the IVF is a no go, but there's nothing like being carted off to hospital in an ambulance and being in so much agony you pass out to make you beg for surgery.
Findings; acute cholestistius (inflammation of the gallbladder) with gallstones and some form of liver damage. My liver function tests were apparently far too high to be caused by just a gallstone, so there is something else there that may have passed, possibly a gallstone.
MRI shows gallstones but luckily no stones in the bile ducts (anymore..) MRI was exciting, I pretended I was in an episode of House.
Despite everything that I told the surgeon they were still determined to tell me I had hyper stimulation of the ovaries - sent me for an abdominal and pelvic scan. Abdominal scan showed a very contracted and damaged gallbladder with plenty of stones - clearly the cause of the pain. Worst part? The ultrasound tech showed me the ultrasound of my ovaries - all my "juicy eggs" (her words, not mine) that are going to waste. There were A LOT, my left and right ovary were touching to make just one nice egg producing line. She tried to count but we made it to 20 and gave up. I'm not saying that all of those would have actual eggs on them, but at least we know the meds worked well and I responded exactly as I should. Just to note: the gynaecology specialist came to see me and confirmed that I didn't have OHSS or any symptoms and my ovaries were perfectly healthy, just larger. Fucking annoying that I now need to just leave them!
The clinic called while I was at the hospital to speak to me, and the nurse explained they had had a meeting just about us to decide what action to take. They did agree that the gallbladder needs to come out now before treatment, and they want me to continue Cetrotide for 5 days without stimming and use protection this cycle (tempting not to...but god knows the consequences) and keep them informed. If the surgery goes well and I recover I should be OK to get back into IVF as soon as its complete. I know it's a day surgery with a 7 days recovery period, but lets see.
I have been given a weeks worth of antibiotics to help with the pain and inflammation of the gallbladder, I need to return in a week to have more liver function tests carried out as they were still abnormal today, and call my surgeon tomorrow to arrange gallbladder removal. Hopefully, it will be within 2-3 weeks. So fingers crossed, we may be able to pick up where we left off on September, or due to the holiday, we may have to wait until November.
Fuck shit wank balls / typing it up like that is no fun.
We are devastated the IVF is a no go, but there's nothing like being carted off to hospital in an ambulance and being in so much agony you pass out to make you beg for surgery.
CD 12 - IVF over
It seems like a slap in the face that Kate Middletons labour announcement happened within me being informed that our IVF cycle has been cancelled.
I get it. I do, I need to be healthy. We can have one cancelled cycle, so we do still have 2 rounds of IVF, but if either of them need to be cancelled we loose one.
What I am so angry about is the hospital I've been admitted to haven't sent a doctor to speak to me in over 25hours. I have no idea what's going on, I don't know what they have planned or what they want to do. They wouldn't let me home last night, but doctor wouldn't see me, I was just told "No". I've still not been seen by the doctor. I could have gone home, slept, gone to the ACU clinic this morning for my scan and then come back to the hospital to continue. The main reason they cancelled IVF is because I couldn't make my scan this morning.
I'm starting to think this just isn't meant to be, how can it be?!
I get it. I do, I need to be healthy. We can have one cancelled cycle, so we do still have 2 rounds of IVF, but if either of them need to be cancelled we loose one.
What I am so angry about is the hospital I've been admitted to haven't sent a doctor to speak to me in over 25hours. I have no idea what's going on, I don't know what they have planned or what they want to do. They wouldn't let me home last night, but doctor wouldn't see me, I was just told "No". I've still not been seen by the doctor. I could have gone home, slept, gone to the ACU clinic this morning for my scan and then come back to the hospital to continue. The main reason they cancelled IVF is because I couldn't make my scan this morning.
I'm starting to think this just isn't meant to be, how can it be?!
Sunday 21 July 2013
CD10 - IVF day 7 - blogging from my hospital bed.
I agreed with Martin, when he looked at me last night and laughed saying "things were just going too well, weren't they?"
At 3am on Friday evening I had a bad gallstone attack, I may even go as far as to say severe. I was hot, clamy, in agony and could barely keep my eyes open. This time the pain was not subsiding with pain meds. I passed out on Martin (which apparently scared him) and although I tried and wanted to get in the car and drive to hospital, every time I moved I thought my chest and stomach were going to explode. So my very first ride in an ambulance occurred at 7am Saturday morning (I managed to sneak in my meds before being carted off)
I arrived at hospital and wasn't in a good state, the pain had subsided some what but I felt awful. Light headed, sweaty, sick, barely with it. I had every test under the sun, was given IV fluids and IV morphine and left until my blood work came back. Blood work and X-ray normal....
Doctor looked at my history and diagnosed me with a brand new stomach ulcer which was causing me excruciating pain, I didn't buy it (I told both Martin and my Dad straight away it wasnt ulcers) and I was sent home and told to return if the pain did.
I went home, got into bed (having slept around 2hours the night before) ate 3 rashes of bacon and 2 sausages, both grilled so no fat) and then slept in bed whilst Buffy was on. At 4pm the pain returned with avengeance, this time accompanied by vomiting and more light headed-ness. Straight back in the car to the hospital. After seeing another doctor, having my second line of the day put in (1) ouch and 2) my arms looks awful!) more bloods were taken and I was left while the results came through. We arrived at the hospital at 5.30pm, at 9pm we saw a new doctor. She informed us that one of my liver function bloods had increased a lot since the morning, and she believed I have a gallstone blocking the duct between my gallbladder and my liver. I was admitted to the surgical assessment ward at 10pm last night.
Which brings me to now, lying in my hospital bed, very bored and very tired (thanks to crazy elderly patients on the same ward whose favourite pastime is screaming between the hours of 2-5am) and waiting to be told whats next.
What does this mean for IVF? I have no idea as of yet. My first thought it cancellation. Although the doctors and nurses at the hospital were nice enough to store my IVF meds in the ward fridge and still administer them this morning. The clinic were fine with me not being able to make it on Saturday, and asked me to go in tomorrow instead. I now need to wait for a scan of my abdomin to show what's going on before I get some answers.
Chances of this cycle happening now? I'd say around 10-20%. It could be the next time I write in this here blog of mine, I've already had the surgery.
At 3am on Friday evening I had a bad gallstone attack, I may even go as far as to say severe. I was hot, clamy, in agony and could barely keep my eyes open. This time the pain was not subsiding with pain meds. I passed out on Martin (which apparently scared him) and although I tried and wanted to get in the car and drive to hospital, every time I moved I thought my chest and stomach were going to explode. So my very first ride in an ambulance occurred at 7am Saturday morning (I managed to sneak in my meds before being carted off)
I arrived at hospital and wasn't in a good state, the pain had subsided some what but I felt awful. Light headed, sweaty, sick, barely with it. I had every test under the sun, was given IV fluids and IV morphine and left until my blood work came back. Blood work and X-ray normal....
Doctor looked at my history and diagnosed me with a brand new stomach ulcer which was causing me excruciating pain, I didn't buy it (I told both Martin and my Dad straight away it wasnt ulcers) and I was sent home and told to return if the pain did.
I went home, got into bed (having slept around 2hours the night before) ate 3 rashes of bacon and 2 sausages, both grilled so no fat) and then slept in bed whilst Buffy was on. At 4pm the pain returned with avengeance, this time accompanied by vomiting and more light headed-ness. Straight back in the car to the hospital. After seeing another doctor, having my second line of the day put in (1) ouch and 2) my arms looks awful!) more bloods were taken and I was left while the results came through. We arrived at the hospital at 5.30pm, at 9pm we saw a new doctor. She informed us that one of my liver function bloods had increased a lot since the morning, and she believed I have a gallstone blocking the duct between my gallbladder and my liver. I was admitted to the surgical assessment ward at 10pm last night.
Which brings me to now, lying in my hospital bed, very bored and very tired (thanks to crazy elderly patients on the same ward whose favourite pastime is screaming between the hours of 2-5am) and waiting to be told whats next.
What does this mean for IVF? I have no idea as of yet. My first thought it cancellation. Although the doctors and nurses at the hospital were nice enough to store my IVF meds in the ward fridge and still administer them this morning. The clinic were fine with me not being able to make it on Saturday, and asked me to go in tomorrow instead. I now need to wait for a scan of my abdomin to show what's going on before I get some answers.
Chances of this cycle happening now? I'd say around 10-20%. It could be the next time I write in this here blog of mine, I've already had the surgery.
Friday 19 July 2013
CD8 - IVF day 6
More of the horrid cetrotide this morning. It actually wasn't as bad as it was yesterday, although the immediate itchyness and reddening of the skin still happened, I didn't have any hives like yesterday. Maybe me body is getting used to it.
I don't feel 'bloated' as such, but definitely increasing in size in the general abdominal region, heres my day 6 ever-increasing-belly. Theres a nice bump in there where hopefully some lovely eggies are growing. Fingers crossed for the morning! (Excuse my underwear and unsightly thighs!)
I don't feel 'bloated' as such, but definitely increasing in size in the general abdominal region, heres my day 6 ever-increasing-belly. Theres a nice bump in there where hopefully some lovely eggies are growing. Fingers crossed for the morning! (Excuse my underwear and unsightly thighs!)
My body is seriously geared up for ovulating like its never ovulated before! I have EWCM coming out of my ears and my cervix resembles the grand canyon - I was a bit paranoid yesterday that my sneaky eggs would escapes before we had chance to do ER, but these symptoms are apparently common the further into stimming you get due to increase in hormones, which makes perfect sense. My scientific brain needs to react before my panicked patients-going-through-IVF brain does.
Tiredness well and truly setting in and I feel like I could get into bed around 6pm in the evenings - This morning I got up at 6am to complete the injections, did some work and responded to emails til around 8am and then doozed off until 11am! I'm also peeing more than anyone has ever peed before , which is great as lots of pee is a good indication of no serious OHSS going on. I got up 4 times in the night for a wee, which is a new personal record. Although again, scientific brain needs to remember i'm also drinking around 3litres of water a day, which could play a huge role in this!
Fingers crossed for tomorrow scan - They could potentially do EC anywhere from 3-6 days time depending on my response. It's almost all over before I've even got my head around it beginning!
Thursday 18 July 2013
CD7 - IVF Day 5
So my usual morning injection routine stepped up a gear this morning with the introduction of the cetrotide to suppress ovulation. We woke up 10 minutes earlier to ensure we had enough time to do both of the injections before work, as the cetrotide takes some mixing together!
Few more side effects with the cetrotide, a headache very shortly after taking which doesn't appear to be shifting anytime soon, and general sicky feeling-ness. Still nothing I can't cope with.
In the box you get a vial full of powder and a syringe full of solution to dissolve the powder into a liquid to inject. So in when the solution, gently swirl around the powder until it's dissolved, replace a needle with a more skin friendly one, draw the liquid back up and ta-dah - Inject away.
Before this I think I administered my gonal-f in under 60 seconds, not bad! Then I was able to use my saved fat to finally inject the other solution.
Let me tell you, it stung like a bitch. The needle is a little longer and there is more fluid to inject compared to the gonal-f. Immediately after I removed the needle the area of skin surrounding it became red, and immensely itchy. I thought at first it was because of my 'pinching an inch' but by the time I had got upstairs to get dressed, I had developed a lovely array of swollen lumps around the injection site which resembled insect bites. Ouch. Its now 4 hours since the injection and the red swelling and itchy-ness has completely gone, but it was quite a shock to the system with how well my nice gonal-f shots have been!
 |
| The two different injection sites - On my wobbly tummy. |
Few more side effects with the cetrotide, a headache very shortly after taking which doesn't appear to be shifting anytime soon, and general sicky feeling-ness. Still nothing I can't cope with.
Tummy continuing to get a little bigger by the day - only slightly, but I can definitely notice an increase in size! Hopefully this means I have lots of lovely follicules to look at on Saturday!
Wednesday 17 July 2013
CD6 - IVF Day 4
I'm running out of my prime fat spots on my tummy for the injections. This mornings stung a lot more than the others, still no bruising though. The nurse suggested we use one side of my stomach for the gonal-f and the other side for the cetrotide, that way if I have a reaction to one I know which one it is. So this means Martin has been playing Nurse Briggs and has banned me from using the prime fat real estate on the right hand side of my tummy, as this is only reserved for cetrotide.
So far side effects have been slim to non. No bruising or soreness around injection sites and no real problems with comfort. I do, however, have a nasty banging headache this morning which won't shift and I feel exhausted, so this could be the first signs of the drug. I am getting slight twinges and pains in my ovary region in the evenings, but that's to be expected, I'm being harvested and I expect it to get worse as the injections go on.
If anything I feel more calm and relaxed on the gonal-f than I usually do, I seem to be in a good mood and feel good, I have read some woman report the same thing, or it could be psychological, who knows! Martin did tell me yesterday that I had a 'mood swing' on Monday evening as I was feeling clingy, and I was upset he was going out for the evening with a friend. Normally I would have thrown him the daggers for pulling me up on my moods, but I didn't feel the need to. (...I know you're reading this! Don't be mean to me and my mood swings...)
I do feel more squidgy than usual in the ovary region, however Martin claims he can't see any difference in my shape. However that could have something to do with me asking him whilst top-less, so his main focus was not at my growing uterine area!
Cetrotide begins tomorrow, so hoping these injections go just as well as the gonal-f have been. I've been told these can sting a lot more and irritate the skin quite a bit, so loose dresses it is, which isn't too bad when its 30c out!
While I'm on the subject of my lovely husband, as much as I like to tease him and throw insults his way (meant with all the love in the world!) he has been brilliant these past few days, he really has. He's determined to be apart of the IVF and gets up every morning and prepared my injections for me downstairs while I'm usually trying to drag myself out of bed. He regularly asks how I'm feeling and asks what he can do for me, and is generally being the best nurse I could ask for, he even gave my ovaries a good prep talk last night and I believe the sentence "Soon you'll see a tadpole looking thing come close to you, let it in" was uttered.
This means even more to be as we lost his beloved Grandad on Friday who Martin adored, yet despite all the grief and upset he's going through, he continues to be my big strong husband and has been amazing so far. This is how I know that one day, who knows when, he'll not only be an amazing husband but and amazing dad as well.
I know you read my blog, and I love you.
xxx
So far side effects have been slim to non. No bruising or soreness around injection sites and no real problems with comfort. I do, however, have a nasty banging headache this morning which won't shift and I feel exhausted, so this could be the first signs of the drug. I am getting slight twinges and pains in my ovary region in the evenings, but that's to be expected, I'm being harvested and I expect it to get worse as the injections go on.
If anything I feel more calm and relaxed on the gonal-f than I usually do, I seem to be in a good mood and feel good, I have read some woman report the same thing, or it could be psychological, who knows! Martin did tell me yesterday that I had a 'mood swing' on Monday evening as I was feeling clingy, and I was upset he was going out for the evening with a friend. Normally I would have thrown him the daggers for pulling me up on my moods, but I didn't feel the need to. (...I know you're reading this! Don't be mean to me and my mood swings...)
I do feel more squidgy than usual in the ovary region, however Martin claims he can't see any difference in my shape. However that could have something to do with me asking him whilst top-less, so his main focus was not at my growing uterine area!
Cetrotide begins tomorrow, so hoping these injections go just as well as the gonal-f have been. I've been told these can sting a lot more and irritate the skin quite a bit, so loose dresses it is, which isn't too bad when its 30c out!
While I'm on the subject of my lovely husband, as much as I like to tease him and throw insults his way (meant with all the love in the world!) he has been brilliant these past few days, he really has. He's determined to be apart of the IVF and gets up every morning and prepared my injections for me downstairs while I'm usually trying to drag myself out of bed. He regularly asks how I'm feeling and asks what he can do for me, and is generally being the best nurse I could ask for, he even gave my ovaries a good prep talk last night and I believe the sentence "Soon you'll see a tadpole looking thing come close to you, let it in" was uttered.
This means even more to be as we lost his beloved Grandad on Friday who Martin adored, yet despite all the grief and upset he's going through, he continues to be my big strong husband and has been amazing so far. This is how I know that one day, who knows when, he'll not only be an amazing husband but and amazing dad as well.
I know you read my blog, and I love you.
xxx
Tuesday 16 July 2013
CD5 -IVF day 3
Usual 6.30am gonal-f injection complete!
Slightly worried about my AF and thick lining. Humph. When we were scanned on Saturday the nurse noticed my lining was a bit thicker than she would have liked, but my bloods must have been fine for me to begin gonal-f. Well since starting gonal-f on Sunday, AF has pretty much stopped?! Slight spotting, but barely enough to need to use protection. So all in all it would be 3 days of bleeding and then just spotting...
Obviously I know my bloods were fine so there can't have been anything wrong, but if my lining was thick, where the hell has it gone?! I had my mock EC on CD10 last month and my lining was perfect (I saw it with my own eyes
!) so who knows....
Wait until Saturday for the dreaded second scan!
Slightly worried about my AF and thick lining. Humph. When we were scanned on Saturday the nurse noticed my lining was a bit thicker than she would have liked, but my bloods must have been fine for me to begin gonal-f. Well since starting gonal-f on Sunday, AF has pretty much stopped?! Slight spotting, but barely enough to need to use protection. So all in all it would be 3 days of bleeding and then just spotting...
Obviously I know my bloods were fine so there can't have been anything wrong, but if my lining was thick, where the hell has it gone?! I had my mock EC on CD10 last month and my lining was perfect (I saw it with my own eyes
!) so who knows....
Wait until Saturday for the dreaded second scan!
Monday 15 July 2013
CD 4 - IVF day 2
6.30am Gonal-F injection this morning and I'm already feeling like a pro. The injection did sting a little more this morning than yesterdays, but nothing bad at all.
So far I don't think I've had any side effects, if anything I feel really good??!! I've been weeing a lot, but that's probably down to the litres and litres of water Martin is making me drink. No bruising at all, no nothing. I feel like I should be feeling more??
I found out that it was my Antral Follicular count that was given on Saturday morning, I feel like I should have known that before hand! (dur) anyway, as I had 12 follicles on my right, and just as many, if not more on my left (she couldn't count) I am going to estimate a nice round Antral Follicular count of around 24.
This is a really good number (according to the medical boffins) and means I am likely to respond well to the medications, if not be slightly on the verge of needing to be monitored for OHSS. I also found this information out yesterday
http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm
And although I'm trying to not get excited or my hopes up for anything, as nothing is certain, it did make me feel a little more positive.
My high antral follicular count with my high AMH means we should get some top quality embryos - SHOULD being the operative word.
2 days down, 26 to go.
So far I don't think I've had any side effects, if anything I feel really good??!! I've been weeing a lot, but that's probably down to the litres and litres of water Martin is making me drink. No bruising at all, no nothing. I feel like I should be feeling more??
I found out that it was my Antral Follicular count that was given on Saturday morning, I feel like I should have known that before hand! (dur) anyway, as I had 12 follicles on my right, and just as many, if not more on my left (she couldn't count) I am going to estimate a nice round Antral Follicular count of around 24.
This is a really good number (according to the medical boffins) and means I am likely to respond well to the medications, if not be slightly on the verge of needing to be monitored for OHSS. I also found this information out yesterday
http://www.advancedfertility.com/antralfollicles.htm
And although I'm trying to not get excited or my hopes up for anything, as nothing is certain, it did make me feel a little more positive.
My high antral follicular count with my high AMH means we should get some top quality embryos - SHOULD being the operative word.
2 days down, 26 to go.
Sunday 14 July 2013
CD3 - IVF day 1
So, I'm really hammering the blog lately. Sorry!
We have to do the Gonal-f injections at the same time every morning, so as we get up at 6am during the week for work, despite it being a sunny Sunday morning and our last chance for a nice lie in after being up early yesterday, the alarm went off at 6.30am and off we trudged to the kitchen to do the very first injection.
Got the pen out of the fridge and attached the needle, which was at least twice the length of the one the nurse has given me to practise with so I was a little scared, given my past needle-phobia. I grabbed an inch of fat (or which there was a lot of!) and hesitated for around 30 seconds before plunging in the needle. I had my hand at the bottom of the pen as it felt safer to me (?!) so I had to ask Martin to actually press the pen to actually release the medication. A nice, Sunday morning couple activity, hey?!
So far so good, 2 hours passed injection and a slight headache, but that could be due to the heat wave and slight dehydration.
To make the most of our day we're going to head out for breakfast and do a spot of shopping. I also get to rock my new denim short dungarees - trying to make a baby while reliving my own childhood
We have to do the Gonal-f injections at the same time every morning, so as we get up at 6am during the week for work, despite it being a sunny Sunday morning and our last chance for a nice lie in after being up early yesterday, the alarm went off at 6.30am and off we trudged to the kitchen to do the very first injection.
Got the pen out of the fridge and attached the needle, which was at least twice the length of the one the nurse has given me to practise with so I was a little scared, given my past needle-phobia. I grabbed an inch of fat (or which there was a lot of!) and hesitated for around 30 seconds before plunging in the needle. I had my hand at the bottom of the pen as it felt safer to me (?!) so I had to ask Martin to actually press the pen to actually release the medication. A nice, Sunday morning couple activity, hey?!
So far so good, 2 hours passed injection and a slight headache, but that could be due to the heat wave and slight dehydration.
To make the most of our day we're going to head out for breakfast and do a spot of shopping. I also get to rock my new denim short dungarees - trying to make a baby while reliving my own childhood
Saturday 13 July 2013
Here we go!
We were asked to come in this morning between 8am and 9.30am for bloods and base line scan. We arrived at 8.15am and the waiting room was already full! I can see this being an ongoing nightmare.
I was called in fairly soon to have my bloods taken, by a very abrupt and rather short nurse (in temperament, not stature) and then asked to take a seat in the waiting room for the scan. It was around 45mins later when they finally called my name.
Off I went to the scan room with my hospital issued maternity pad in between my legs as I'd had to remove my tampon. We were welcomed by another rather abrupt nurse, however they have a pile of patients and only a handful of hours to get through everyone...and it was 30c outside so they probably weren't in the best of moods. Anyway, the dildo cam was prepared in the usual fashion and she showed us where my left and right ovaries were and how they were doing.
She said I had "a really good number" of potential follicles, with 12 black sacs on my right and an uncountable number on the left. She stressed they may not all respond, but she was impressed by how many potential follies I had.
Next she checked my endometrium, and asked if I was bleeding heavily and was today heavier than yesterday? I explained the first two days usually are heavier, but I was still using regular tampons so it wasnt too heavy.
She said the lining was thicker than they would normally like, but if my hormone levels were ok there would be no problem. No idea what causes thick lining, if it will be a problem, or if its just a side effect of slightly extended 33 days cycles...? She left the room and returned with our large bag of drugs which had been kept in the fridge at the clinic as the pharmacy was closed.
Then we left at around 9.30am with the long wait until 2pm when we could ring to get our results. Remember my hormone levels had to be fine for us to actually go ahead with the treatment. We called the results line at 2.30pm and a lovely cheery nurse took all my details and chirped "we would like you to start on 150mg of Gonal-f for five days, then on Thursday start with your Cetritide injections, we'd like you to come back in in a week"
That was that. We are good to go. I'm already for my first injection in the morning...
Here goes nothing ladies and gents ....
P.s. Martin has asked me to share our leaving the hospital story - upon quickly retreating from the clinic with my bag full of drugs and worries around bloods and what would happen next, I forgot that I had removed the hospital issues mattress I was wearing between my legs, and was now back in my lovely white underwear, in a nice summer dress, on the second heaviest day of my period, with no protection! Eeeek! We were nowhere near a bathroom and already heading home...therefore there was only one thing left for me to do. Put my feet up on the dashboard, fishing in my bag and putting a tampon in there in the car. Not the most glamorous of dignified of things to do, however I had also just had a peice of electrical equipment wearing a condom in my nether regions.
Friday 12 July 2013
After almost 12 months of waiting, I feel so unprepared
We are to go into the ACU tomorrow between 8am and 9.30am for my dildo cam, blood tests and collect all medications. Call between 2-3pm in the afternoon for results and instructions of dosage of medications, first injection Sunday morning.
It will be around 12 days until egg collection.
In 28 days we'll know a result.
Petrified doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm an emotional mess without injecting drugs on a daily basis.
I've been a tad irrationally obsessed with loosing weight over the past few weeks and had managed to drop a 3lbs in total last week, which took me down to being a mere 2lbs overweight....My self-confidence levels have been at an all time low and I've been jumping on the scales twice a day and my mood depends on the result.
Knowing that weight gain is a common side effect of the IVF these scales have know been hidden in preparation, and I will be asking Marts to take the battery out of them and hide it somewhere later on.
I'm hoping I can go to a few shops tomorrow and pick up some leggings and comfy sun dresses in a size larger than I usually wear to accommodate the bloat during the treatment.
Friends who have gone through treatment -Are there any other bits and pieces you would recommend I pick up? Things that I'm not going to find in the 'beginners guide to IVF' style booklet you get from the hospital?
You see how I have a habit of focussing on the most ridiculous little things and getting upset over them, rather than focussing on the big picture? Welcome to my world.
I need to slap myself.
It will be around 12 days until egg collection.
In 28 days we'll know a result.
Petrified doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm an emotional mess without injecting drugs on a daily basis.
I've been a tad irrationally obsessed with loosing weight over the past few weeks and had managed to drop a 3lbs in total last week, which took me down to being a mere 2lbs overweight....My self-confidence levels have been at an all time low and I've been jumping on the scales twice a day and my mood depends on the result.
Knowing that weight gain is a common side effect of the IVF these scales have know been hidden in preparation, and I will be asking Marts to take the battery out of them and hide it somewhere later on.
I'm hoping I can go to a few shops tomorrow and pick up some leggings and comfy sun dresses in a size larger than I usually wear to accommodate the bloat during the treatment.
Friends who have gone through treatment -Are there any other bits and pieces you would recommend I pick up? Things that I'm not going to find in the 'beginners guide to IVF' style booklet you get from the hospital?
You see how I have a habit of focussing on the most ridiculous little things and getting upset over them, rather than focussing on the big picture? Welcome to my world.
I need to slap myself.
Thursday 11 July 2013
Here goes nothing
....And 7 hours later its official. Cracked open the paracetamol and ibuprofen for the cramps and already reached for the tampons. It's 11pm, I will be calling the hospital first thing tomorrow to schedule my CD scan and blood work, collect my prescriptions and begin injecting.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Fuck
CD 31.
I'm spotting.
My bet is CD1 will be tomorrow.
IVF cycle 1 will begin in 2 days.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck repeat
I'm spotting.
My bet is CD1 will be tomorrow.
IVF cycle 1 will begin in 2 days.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck repeat
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Well wishes
I have two real life friends who know about IVF, just too. One of which is my oldest friend, who I've known for 19 years. When I first told her about our infertility, her go to answer was "you can have my eggs!" Errrr....thanks but my own eggs are superb! I love her to death, but she of well known as the queen of inappropriate comments, I take everything she says that could possibly be construed as nasty with a pinch of salt, she genuinely doesn't mean it. She asked of I was free this week or next to meet up for lunch and a catch up, I text back with a very breezy "we're starting IVF sometime around then, so ill let you know when I'm free!" She responded with the usual "how exciting! How it all goes well" blah blah blah and it was never mentioned again.
She's my oldest friend, but we don't speak regularly, so she text me today out of the blue with a simple:
"Bird! How are you? Any news?" (She calls me bird)
My other friend who knows is my closest friend who I studied and loved with for 5 years, she loves 10 mins down the road and we see each other at least once a week. She knows more details, and makes an effort to ask more questions, but I do believe its pit of politeness and general curiosity than anything, I don't think that's a bad thing. She hmmms and ahhhh in the right places, and to be honest I think she simply doesn't know how to react to my situation, but she tries her best. However, she is also the friend who claimed she was so scared of being infertile herself, she wanted to get pregnant just so she knew she could....not the best choice of words. Anyway, a couple hours after the first text, I also received one from this particular friend saying:
"How's the baby box? Any news yet?"
The above two people are not friends, so I know they will not have spoken.
On top of that, there is one colleague/friend at work who knows about our IVF, she's a lovely woman, and is very supportive and easy to talk to. I think I'm so open with her because its a relief to speak about it without having to censor anything. She emailed me today, for the first time this month with:
"Are you at that meetings next Wednesday? We should grab some coffee before or after and waste an afternoon. Any news with the infertility treatments?"
What is going on?? All of the above people have had the letters "I-V-F" mentioned in passing toward them on the past few weeks, but all decide to ask for "news" on the same day?
1) how do they think it works? I get my period, go to the hospital and they magically put a baby in the very next day? Did they expect me to respond with "oh yes, forget to me too , pregnant!"
2) how the hell do I break the news to people when it fails? Mass text? Flag at half mast outside the house? Smoke rings? Send around a photo of my period starting? I feel like I need to have that text pre-written so I can simy press 'send' when needed.
I love my friends, but they're all a bit mad.
She's my oldest friend, but we don't speak regularly, so she text me today out of the blue with a simple:
"Bird! How are you? Any news?" (She calls me bird)
My other friend who knows is my closest friend who I studied and loved with for 5 years, she loves 10 mins down the road and we see each other at least once a week. She knows more details, and makes an effort to ask more questions, but I do believe its pit of politeness and general curiosity than anything, I don't think that's a bad thing. She hmmms and ahhhh in the right places, and to be honest I think she simply doesn't know how to react to my situation, but she tries her best. However, she is also the friend who claimed she was so scared of being infertile herself, she wanted to get pregnant just so she knew she could....not the best choice of words. Anyway, a couple hours after the first text, I also received one from this particular friend saying:
"How's the baby box? Any news yet?"
The above two people are not friends, so I know they will not have spoken.
On top of that, there is one colleague/friend at work who knows about our IVF, she's a lovely woman, and is very supportive and easy to talk to. I think I'm so open with her because its a relief to speak about it without having to censor anything. She emailed me today, for the first time this month with:
"Are you at that meetings next Wednesday? We should grab some coffee before or after and waste an afternoon. Any news with the infertility treatments?"
What is going on?? All of the above people have had the letters "I-V-F" mentioned in passing toward them on the past few weeks, but all decide to ask for "news" on the same day?
1) how do they think it works? I get my period, go to the hospital and they magically put a baby in the very next day? Did they expect me to respond with "oh yes, forget to me too , pregnant!"
2) how the hell do I break the news to people when it fails? Mass text? Flag at half mast outside the house? Smoke rings? Send around a photo of my period starting? I feel like I need to have that text pre-written so I can simy press 'send' when needed.
I love my friends, but they're all a bit mad.
Monday 8 July 2013
Cheer up grumpy bum
In a genuinely 'down in the dumps' mood today. Not sure why. You know when you have those days when you're alone so you start thinking about EVERYTHING, that was me today.
Money worries, work worries, heat worries, TTC worries have all plagued my brain today and not left me alone. I think I'm just hormonal and need to get a grip. I'm not 11-12dpo and my bodies being weird this month. My boobs have been agony since around 4dpo, and have only gotten worse every day. I've taken to wearing a bandeau bikini top instead of a bra because it's too painful, not to mention the London A-Z in veins I have on them. Add to that my on and off cramping for the past week and it makes for a very confused woman (no, i'm not pregnant). Its usual for my boobs to hurt maybe around 12-13 dpo just before AF, but never like this.
It's clear that my uterus and hypothalamus have decided to gang up on me and cause havoc every cycle, 2 weeks late last month, sore boobs and PG symptoms from 4dpo this month.....witch.
So now, thanks to this months bizzaro behaviour, I have no idea when AF is going to arrive, hopefully in 3 days time like shes supposed to so we can get this IVF show on the road.
I also made a big step today and contacted the universities Human Resources department to ask about my rights with employment and IVF. So far I have been using my yearly annual leave entitlement, which was advised by my manager. I get 25 days holiday a year (5 working weeks), my hospital is a good 40 miles away from my work, so a mid morning or early afternoon appointment requires a whole day off. Since the start of my holiday entitlement in March I've used 14 days holiday (5 of those are for our holiday to Tunisia) and we haven't even started treatment yet, at this rate theres no way we'll be able to do another cycle this year as I simply wont have the holidays. I'm sure that as these are medical appointments I shouldn't be expected to use all of my entitled leave - I mean, if I was having surgery or other medical treatment I wouldn't be expected to use my holiday days, correct? Lets see what they say.
I did read somewhere that once you have the embryo transfer you are classed as a pregnant woman, so fall under pregnant employment laws, which means they can't penalise me for having time off. I don't know why that makes me sad...
We're in the middle of a heat wave (only 80's) but we're not built to cope with it with no air con or general hot weather related apparatus so sleep in the evenings is hard to come by!
Going to cheer myself up with a chicken and chorizo Jambalaya, some ice cream and some crappy evening TV.
Did I mention Murray won Wimbledon???
Money worries, work worries, heat worries, TTC worries have all plagued my brain today and not left me alone. I think I'm just hormonal and need to get a grip. I'm not 11-12dpo and my bodies being weird this month. My boobs have been agony since around 4dpo, and have only gotten worse every day. I've taken to wearing a bandeau bikini top instead of a bra because it's too painful, not to mention the London A-Z in veins I have on them. Add to that my on and off cramping for the past week and it makes for a very confused woman (no, i'm not pregnant). Its usual for my boobs to hurt maybe around 12-13 dpo just before AF, but never like this.
It's clear that my uterus and hypothalamus have decided to gang up on me and cause havoc every cycle, 2 weeks late last month, sore boobs and PG symptoms from 4dpo this month.....witch.
So now, thanks to this months bizzaro behaviour, I have no idea when AF is going to arrive, hopefully in 3 days time like shes supposed to so we can get this IVF show on the road.
I also made a big step today and contacted the universities Human Resources department to ask about my rights with employment and IVF. So far I have been using my yearly annual leave entitlement, which was advised by my manager. I get 25 days holiday a year (5 working weeks), my hospital is a good 40 miles away from my work, so a mid morning or early afternoon appointment requires a whole day off. Since the start of my holiday entitlement in March I've used 14 days holiday (5 of those are for our holiday to Tunisia) and we haven't even started treatment yet, at this rate theres no way we'll be able to do another cycle this year as I simply wont have the holidays. I'm sure that as these are medical appointments I shouldn't be expected to use all of my entitled leave - I mean, if I was having surgery or other medical treatment I wouldn't be expected to use my holiday days, correct? Lets see what they say.
I did read somewhere that once you have the embryo transfer you are classed as a pregnant woman, so fall under pregnant employment laws, which means they can't penalise me for having time off. I don't know why that makes me sad...
We're in the middle of a heat wave (only 80's) but we're not built to cope with it with no air con or general hot weather related apparatus so sleep in the evenings is hard to come by!
Going to cheer myself up with a chicken and chorizo Jambalaya, some ice cream and some crappy evening TV.
Did I mention Murray won Wimbledon???
Saturday 6 July 2013
This will never get better
I feel at the minute, family wise, the same shit just goes around and around in circles and never actually gets truly resolved. After 6 months of the same behaviour time and time again, I'm starting to give up hope of anything ever really changing, ever.
I don't know if I can physically spend the next 60+ years of my life doing this time and time and time again. Sigh. Everyone knows I love Martin with every fibre of my being, and then some stolen from others, but so far the main difficulty (re-occurring) in our marriage is family. It's now a game of attrition - who's going to crack first, them or me....I've already got some hairline fractures.
Not to mention it stresses me out ridiculous amounts. I can physically feel my heartbeat rising and my blood pressure increasing - and we need to go through IVF as physically fit as possible? Thank you very much
I don't know if I can physically spend the next 60+ years of my life doing this time and time and time again. Sigh. Everyone knows I love Martin with every fibre of my being, and then some stolen from others, but so far the main difficulty (re-occurring) in our marriage is family. It's now a game of attrition - who's going to crack first, them or me....I've already got some hairline fractures.
Not to mention it stresses me out ridiculous amounts. I can physically feel my heartbeat rising and my blood pressure increasing - and we need to go through IVF as physically fit as possible? Thank you very much
Wednesday 3 July 2013
Go go gadget IVF bag
Here's our special bag we got from the clinic for IVF. In here are a supply of needles, alcohol wipes, rubber gloves, a small protective case for carrying around medications, DVD instruction guides on the Gonal-F pen, and my sharps bin was in here. I like it because its purple, my favourite colour :)
Correction on last post. I'm actual 6dpo, not 7.
7 days to go...
7dpo now. 7 days til AF and 7 days until I'm making the call to schedule my first scan, collect my drugs and begin.
As per, body is playing mind tricks. Sore boobs, sore nipples, lots of on-off pressure/heavy feelings in baby box. Not reading anything into it pregnancy wise, more wondering of this mean she's going to misbehave this month.
Feeling so negative about IVF, I almost want to run away. If we don't do it, then it can't fail, and were not just left with one more chance, for the rest of our lives, to have medical intervention. It's not going to work, it can't, it would be too perfect. We would get out BFP around Martins birthday, guess when mini Briggs would be due? My birthday. Too perfect to work.
I'm also now convinced due to the force that needs to go into manipulating my cervix during transfer that its an automatic failure - but this is something that they can't 'fix' it's how I'm designed. If they can't fix if, how is it ever going to get better?
It's only July and I'm already gearing up for Christmas number 4 and still no happy news. Worst case scenario and 2 failed IVFs and this will be the last year we TTC as I will be going back on bc for the forseable future.
Bah miserable moany cow
As per, body is playing mind tricks. Sore boobs, sore nipples, lots of on-off pressure/heavy feelings in baby box. Not reading anything into it pregnancy wise, more wondering of this mean she's going to misbehave this month.
Feeling so negative about IVF, I almost want to run away. If we don't do it, then it can't fail, and were not just left with one more chance, for the rest of our lives, to have medical intervention. It's not going to work, it can't, it would be too perfect. We would get out BFP around Martins birthday, guess when mini Briggs would be due? My birthday. Too perfect to work.
I'm also now convinced due to the force that needs to go into manipulating my cervix during transfer that its an automatic failure - but this is something that they can't 'fix' it's how I'm designed. If they can't fix if, how is it ever going to get better?
It's only July and I'm already gearing up for Christmas number 4 and still no happy news. Worst case scenario and 2 failed IVFs and this will be the last year we TTC as I will be going back on bc for the forseable future.
Bah miserable moany cow
Monday 1 July 2013
So, Stephanie, how do you feel about next weeks IVF start?
4dpo and my body seems to be doing what it should be. Boons getting more tender everyday, dodgy tummy, moodiness (sorry Martin) I'm not seeing these as pregnancy symptoms by the way, this is what my body does every month when it works like clockwork. Think this means we're on for 15th start. Next weekend ill be eagerly checking my uterine activity regularly for signs of AF, this time because we want her to turn up. This could potentially be our last week or normality...as far as life events go, going through IVF is quite a large one, one you don't ever go back from ... In a dramatic way this is the last week of our lives as we currently know it.
Until then, Wimbledon will keep me occupied!
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