Merry Christmas

To all I know, I hope you have an extremely merry and very happy Christmas.

Lots of love from us and our 33 week Christmas Turkey. It's been a long road and taken us almost 5 years but for once our year is ending on a high.You get the underwear shot for free as it's Christmas.

Names

Ive always been interested in different regions of the world and how they name their children, mums name, dads name, family name, middle names etc...and by searching the Internet for more information it seems that there are tons and tons or pages dedicated to naming children 'the British way' and that, apparently, we have a certain way of naming babies....I'm not so sure myself but it got me thinking.

This little one has a name and has had a name since he was a frozen embryo in an industrial freezer. His middle name has always been 'Raymond'...this isn't exactly my first choice of name but it's DHs beloved grandfathers name who passed away shortly before we began IVF and it seems fitting to use it. Sadly, at 14 weeks pregnant DH also lost his uncle who he loved dearly. This was completely unexpected and hit everyone hard, uncle was very supportive when we suffered our miscarriage and unfortunately died a few days before we told family our news which means he never knew he was going to be a great uncle. 

So we have toyed with the idea of using both names as Baby Bs 'middle names', but I'm not sure if it's too much on the poor guy? His name would then be M_______ Raymond William Briggs. Which is kinda long...

So what are people's thoughts? Two name too many or ok as it will only be used for formal purposes such as passports etc..?

Week 32

Still not loving them. Jeez I've seen woman with twins have perfectly smooth tummies at full term - this monster still have 6 weeks to go! Given that I've lost 8lbs since my GD diagnoses and he's not the size of a 3 year old I don't know why he's doing such a number on my belly. Clearly shitty skin genes!

This week we discovered the beginnings of placental insifficiency which they have chalked down to the diabetes. This means that there is restricted blood flow from the placenta to baby B which can slow down growth but, more importantly, can quickly deteriorate to complete placental break down. He's absolutely perfect at the minute and as they caught it really early they're not too concerned that things will dramatically decline. It will mean regular monitoring from now on to see how he's doing. This week alone we've had a repeat doppler scan, a diabetes check up and a CTG tomorrow morning. Next week we have another growth scan and see what else they would like. So far this monster isn't actually too monster like - he's in the 53rd centile and weighs around 4lbs. He's distinctly average size wise :)

Love thy pregnant body

I've mentioned before that stretch marks have NOT been my best friend during the past 6 weeks or so. In fact I don't know if I'm ashamed to admit that I've cried about these more times than I care to remember. I knew I was going to get them as I already have a collection of them of my thighs, hips and boobs from puberty and my skin is not made of stretchy stuff. Did that make it any easier when I first noticed them? Nope.

The thing to understand is that I don't hate them because of what they signify, my skin is stretching to accommodate my son, I love them for this. I hate them because they're forever, they're now here to stay with me for the rest of my waking days and there's very little I can do about it. Yes they will fade like me others, but my pre-pregnancy body is now gone, completely. As a woman who loves nothing more than throwing on a bikini and sitting on the sun these new lines take some getting used to. My current fear is never having the confidence to go to the beach with my son and splash in the sea without feeling too self conscious, I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling unattractive and I certainly don't want to spend a majority of it too ashamed to be naked in front of my own husband due to my crepe like tummy...

So in order to try and learn to love my lines I'm going to stop ignoring them and try to learn to love (!) them. Which will include taking weekly photographs of my tummy to see how they've progressed, in the hope that one day I'll look back on them and actually feel proud. I'm not saying im going to post these photos on my blog, but to jump in feet first I decided the first 'stretch mark diary' should debut on here...

I'm having a baby

In a few short weeks. Jesus fucking Christ

This is the sudden realisation I had yesterday when making plans at work for the new year and it was pointed out to me by a colleague that I wouldn't be there.

So far I've been blissfully plodding along with my growing belly, getting to know his habits and that he likes warm baths and is already a Taylor Swift fan. Giving birth and having a son have always seemed like so far away - except it isn't. In 6 weeks he will be fully grown and could potentially come at any time from then.

The nursery isn't decorated. The cot hasn't been assembled. The pram is still waiting to be put together and I don't even have a hospital bag or practical things like maternity pads and breast pads.

Can I stop time and just have a little longer to try and pull myself together before he arrives please?

The belly

Almost 30 weeks. I have ill fitting underwear on and a very sexy non-wired crop top style bra. Yes those are stretch marks above my hips. I worked 4 years for this monster and here he is in all his glory. 9 weeks of growing left to do - where is he going to go?!

Growth Scan number 1

I had the first of our additional growth scans this morning and he's grown so much! He actually resembles a perfect little human being. All measurements were perfect, so despite my GD and my huge belly he's completely average size for his age and I'm not growing a monster. Estimated weight currently is 2.8lbs. 2.8lbs of chubby faced goodness.

My glucose monitoring is good and the diabetes nurse doesn't see the need to see me every two week and will now see me every 4 and the consultant is happy with how everything is going. They initially said induction at 38 weeks but as everything is going so well they're leaving towards 39 now, but have confirmed there is absolutely no way they'll let me go 40+.

That gives us only 10 weeks until he arrives.

I'm just going to say it!

I'm struggling.

There. I said it (typed it...) out loud. My inner infertile is giving me death stares and telling me I sold out and that I swore I would never say this, but I have to. I. am. Struggling. 

I love my baby, I smile every single time I feel him roll and everytime I feel him kick. It's like its just me and him, nobody else gets to feel these things or knows him like I do, for the next 10 weeks we get to remain in our exclusive club until he's welcomed into the world and I have to share him with his Daddy. I love planning his arrival, shopping for his things and thinking about how life will change when he gets here. I love him, I love being able to be a family and after 4 years having everything I dreamed of come true.

But it's hard.

I hate working 40+ hours a week with mild SPD and near constant heartburn. I leave my house at 7am everyday and don't walk back through the door until 7.30pm, at which point I am simply exhausted. Getting through a working day now is difficult. My hips hurt everytime I have to walk to the printer, I can't sit for anymore than 45minutes without my lower back beginning to ache. My workload is increasing every week. I am single handedly organising a two day national conference which takes place in 10 days time on top of my usual day to day work. I sleep for roughly 4hours a night and now the simple pleasure of chocolate or dessert after dinner has been taken away by the joy of GD. I think my plan of working until 39 weeks may have been a bit adventurous.

Last night I arrived home and oiled up my growing belly as I do every night and whilst admiring how utterly weird belly buttons look during pregnancy I noticed the angry red stretch marks that have now formed in my bikini area. I admit I crumpled and spent the next 10-15minutes in tears.

I love this little life I have growing inside me and everything that comes with it but it's hard

Yowsers

Hello third trimester. When the heck did this happen?!

The homeward stretch

Fasting sugars

4.7mmol

Perfect result!

Take that diabetes!

Today has been my first day of monitoring my blood sugar levels and I've been well on healthy range all day. My main concern is tomorrow mornings fasting level as the nurse suggested of this is high and the others stay low its usually a job for insulin.

We got this pegged baby B

The saga continues...

26 weeks today and I've just been diagnosed as having gestational diabetes.

Sigh.

Not bad to say last week my MW wanted to cancel my GTT as my original BMI calculation was wrong so I wasn't 'at risk'. I decided I'd go through with it anyway as I had nothing to loose and it looks like it's a good job I did.

A week of blood sugar monitoring to come before they decide if it can be diet controlled or needs insulin. Even more needles, fun. Interestingly I've read that there is a link between IVF babies and GD.

No more chocolate for us little man. CHRISTMAS WITHOUT CHOCOLATE?!!

In other news we're down to 98 day to go, where is this pregnancy going?!

We made it!!

Happy V day little guy! 

A year ago today I was 2 days post gallbladder removal and now here I am. Currently being kicked by this little wriggler who is probably quite pleased he has the extra room removing my GB has provided.

Other, light hearted, things I miss;

1) My vulva. I haven't seen her for weeks, I'm sure she's still there albeit very untamed. (Edited for nurse Rieckmann:) )
2) My legs sans cellulite
3) Being able to leave the house without wearing a panty liner.
4) Lazy sex. My hips and back are painful, once I'm laid down try to avoid getting up if I can. Lazy missionary sex has been very good so far, now the little one is just too big to allow this to happen. Nothing stops the throws of passion quicker than baby B giving dad a swift kick after mounting...
5) Steak. Anything other than rare is a waste
6) Baileys. Ok not yet, but Christmas without Baileys is unheard of!
7) The normal colour of my nipples. I don't remember what colour they were before pregnancy?!
8) Sleeping on my back without the fear striking
9) Being able to watch TV without bursting into tears at something completely bizarre like a toothpaste advert
10) A grande Starbucks coffee of any sort - the higher caffeine content the better
11) Having fully functioning nostrils

I still have to pinch myself

I've avoided these so far and most photos of baby B have remained strictly private. However today I managed to capture one that I love as it's our first photo 'together'

Me and my boy

Fetal Echo

Was perfect. All chambers, arteries and blood flow as it should be. Little guy was as fidgety as usual and kept moving just as the sonographer wanted to take a photo of his heart. In the end it took lady to hold the probe and follow baby as he moved and another to take the photos. 

I've been slightly worried about him the past few days as he's been quiet kick wise but this certainly eased my mind. The minute any probe or doppler is put on him he kicks it away, I don't know if he hates it or is playing with it?! 

It's happened....

There it was. Staring me straight in the face. I took of my bra and it revealed itself.

The first pregnancy stretch mark.

Nestled right at the top of the book near my arm pit, all shiny and new. You sneaky bastard.

I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner to be honest, the girls have grown from a 34DD to a 36FF in the past 4 months, that's some impressive growth right there.

I use bio oil daily but I expect my growing belly will soon follow my boobs and betray me, leaving me with brand new tiger stripes.

I already have plenty on my thighs, bum and hips from puberty so they'll have plenty of company.

Good growing little guy

22 weeks

Wow.

How is it 22 weeks already?

Anatomy scan last week revealed all was perfect with the little one. Legs, arms, head and everything in between. We even got to see his rather full bladder which was bizarrely interesting.

Met with the consultant a few days later as my new health trust class ivf pregnancies as "high risk". I was informed of the following;

- we would have growth scans at 28,32,36 and 38 weeks to see how baby is doing. This is due to IVF babies often being on the small side, even though scurrently he's in the 90 percentile for most measurements.

- wouldn't be allowed to go past my due date. In fact they monitor and would recommend inducing labour anywhere from 38+ depending on how baby is doing. I also have the added complication of my heart condition which is even more reason for them to induce early, if he doesn't arrive early himself.

- baby needs a fetal Echo to check out his little heart and make sure he hasn't picked up my murmur. If he has he'll be born at the main hospital in the area that has neonatal cardiologists on hand. This is great as I know they'll be there, but this hospital also happens to be the same one I work in with the medical school which means the chances of me having colleagues on hand to experience me giving birth is quite high.

Fetal Echo is scheduled for Monday morning. Fingers crossed

Infertile mummies

You all spoke about it, you've all been here but today I found myself in THAT place. Not welcome at the infertile table anymore, but dont want to pull up a chair on the fertile table. Is there one inbetween??

Colleague at work has just had a second failed IVF cycle, I wanted to comfort her but felt like some sort of fraud. I ended up sending her an email saying that although I'm transitioning to motherhood I haven't forgotten the pain of IF and if she wants to talk I'm here, but I understand if she doesn't. Equally, when she left and all the fertile people were discussing how hard it must be and how they "can't imagine what she was going through" I felt like I should be there either.

It's a perculiar situation I never in a million years thought I would be in. Another thing I've realised is that I hate infertility, I hate what it has done to me, my husband, my friends and every other woman who's struggled with it . But I don't ever want that pain to go away. It's part of me and my life and who I am.

"You're not allowed to complain!"

I'm starting to get pissed off with people saying that line to me whenever I mention some pain/discomfort/body issue I've discovered while pregnant.

I'm not going to lie, I have down days about the changes my body is going through. I'm bigger EVERYWHERE, my breast are sore and so swollen they're purple and hot, my hips and back are painful due to PGD/SPD and I'll soon be having physio to sort it out and my sciatic nerve is being trapped by baby/pelvis so that is causing daily pain. Don't get me wrong, not for one second would I wish any of it go away. I know why this is happening and my pregnant body is doing an AMAZING thing changing to accommodate this little guy. I am grateful for every little twinge in my back that's caused by pregnancy, hell I'm even grateful for the new stretch marks which are forming on my watermelon-esque boobs. But, that doesn't mean that occasionally I can feel down about my weight gain or what my boobs will looks like post pregnancy. Does it?

Last week I was talking to Martin about how my body would change and if he would find me attractive. Of course he will, but sometimes you have to vocalise these things. I'd just got out of the shower and was noticing parts of my body had changes radically and said to him "I feel so fat today. Like I'm that woman who people aren't quite sure if she's pregnant or just eaten a lot" he response to me was "your belly has got much bigger.....so have your hips!" So I threw a cushion at him and thanked him for his typically male response and for making me feel worse bit better, than pulled on my maternity jeans and carried on with the day. When telling this story to MIL that weekend I said:

"Well he was so lovely the other day. I was feeling a bit down about just looking fat and...."

Before I could even finish the sentence she interrupted with

"Sorry Steph you are not allowed to complain that you feel fat. You wanted to get pregnant you'll have to live with what it does to your body!"

Erm...thanks.

Last night we saw friends we hadn't seen for a while and I said to my closest female friend "I've had a few down days about my size but today I just feel a bit chubby!" Her boyfriend then said "You are not allowed to moan about feeling fat!"

Is it me?! I'm not ungrateful, I love that every morning when I get out of bed I can feel him rolling about and kicking in my belly. I love that one day these ginormous breast will hopefully feed our son and I love that my body will be a mummies body. Does that mean I have to love the back pain and not voice ANY displeasure at my changing body?

If I had got pregnant naturally would I then be "allowed to moan"?

It makes me equal parts pissed off and equal parts upset

18.5 weeks

Morning sickness still here. Sob.

I dry heave every morning until I've managed to eat a decent breakfast and let it settle. At this point I think it's going to be here forever!

Royal Baby bullshit

Urgh.

Even with a fat belly this news is not welcomed by little old me. I don't begrudge Kate having two children in the space of two years (nothing like flaunting your fertility you bitch) but I cannot stand the worlds response to it.

When is she due? What will it be? Let's film a door for weeks on end and hope someone appears at it.  Let's make plates, cups, bunting and a whole heap of other crap to commemorate the occasion.

She's a woman whose having a baby. This happens HUNDREDS of times every day. Get over it world.

Yawn

Tough day

Today marks 3 years since our miscarriage and the day we turn 17 weeks pregnant with this little guy.

Very strange set of emotions

16+3

Baby Briggs is a boy!! 💙💙

Everything looks perfect. His measurements are spot on, amniotic fluid is within the right range and heart rate good and strong at 148. I have a low lying placenta but the sonographer said it should move up on it's own and it's nothing to worry about.

A boy! :D

Where is the time going?!

The little one popped out to say hello this morning

6 days until our gender scan and I have an appointment with my new midwife tomorrow (didn't like the old one!).

So far I have gained 7 pounds since we got our BFP. My diet can certainly be improved, although I'm eating plenty of fruit and veggies baby has a thing for Pringles and other salty snacks so I need to make a conscious effort to stay strong.

I tried to shave my bikini area yesterday and realised I can no longer even see my lady area never mind shave it!

Whoever said morning sickness settles in the second trimester lies, almost 16 weeks and I am still struggling to not vomit first thing in the morning, it's a good excuse for hubs to bring me breakfast in bed though! I've also developed sciatica over the past 2 weeks which means there is lots of sitting and laying down when I'm at home.

Apart from ms and a painful bum I'm feeling great. Pregnancy needs to slow down!

The name game

Mummies, did you have a name that you always loved that you knew would be your child's name, or did it require hours of thinking? Just how much did you care about what other people thought?

We have two boys names in the running, one of which has been our boys name forever. Without question if he is in fact a he, we know his name. Martins wants to keep the name quiet, I don't know why, we like more traditional names so it's not because we're going to name him after a fashion brand or type of food!

Girls names are another matter - we have never had a girls name picked out and we both tend to like unisex names for girls. The one girls name we both love, although unisex, is more male-associated in the UK than girl. Would this put you off using it?

102 days down 178 to go!

I can't believe that in 5 weeks we'll be half way through this pregnancy. Its going by so quickly but so slowly at the same time, if that makes any sense?

12 days until our gender scan and I'm back to thinking boy. Until tomorrow when, no doubt, I'll be back to thinking girl.

Baby B is doing great, after our little spotting episode a few weeks ago there as been nothing since. The second trimester energy burst has yet to hit me, if anything I'm sleepier now than I ever was. Babies heart rate is sticking firmly around 148, although now when we use the doppler it's hard to get a read as they're moving around so much in there!

I've managed to find some maternity jeans and t-shirts which don't look ridiculous so at least now I have some clothes! I'm still waiting of the blooming bump to jump out but it's getting there slowly but surely. Little ones growing away and causing plenty of soreness as he/she goes.

I have to admit I'm being a little naughty at the minute and taking 2 days sick from work to relax. The past 2 weeks have been dreadful at the office and I was so upset and exhausted on Friday I just had to spend some time at home. In the past two weeks I have been arriving in the office early every morning and haven't had a lunch break, my manager (who is also pregnant) keeps telling me to "Take it easy" and "look after yourself" but then piles work on top of what I already have to do and leaving me stressed. My 'colleague', who is technically my assistant, is angry at the university as they won't get someone in to cover my work load during my mat leave until I've already left. As a result she's refused to get involved in any of the organisation for the next academic year so she can claim ignorance when it comes to helping with my work in January. I can see where she's coming from, but I'm now doing all of my work PLUS all of the work she would normally do. So after waking up at 3am this morning and not sleeping due to thinking about work I decided enough was enough and I needed some time away from that place. I'm hoping that once I get back on Wednesday people might start to be a little more helpful.

Wardrobe Woe

At almost 14weeks I've reached a stage where I have no clothes to wear. If I had it my way is spend all day in martins pyjama bottoms.

I have one pair of maternity office trousers for work but my boobs are growing so much I'm down to 2 tops. Seriously, when will they stop?! I've gone from a 34DD to a 36 F-G and even my newest 36F bra is starting to be snug. All of my shirts are now just too tight in the bust area but maternity clothes are too loose around the middle as I don't yet have the big bump to carry the material. A nice bump is forming, but the biggest bump is still my pre-existing chub which is being pushed up and out as baby moves upwards. It is amazing though, every few days or so I wake up in the morning very achy and sensitive in the lower abdomen region and can feel my uterus a little more, starting to get the odd round ligament pain if I move too fast or in an awkward position.
What isn't so amazing is the back pain that is already starting - seriously?! I've always had back trouble so I know pregnant will worsten it but any longer than 10 minutes on my feet and my lower back is shot. I'm also getting sporadic sciatic pain down my bum and legs a few times a day.

20 days until we find out if we're team blue or pink...I was convinced we were blue but now I'm not so sure. I can't put my finger on it but something is making me think girl.

Downs Screening Results

1/87,000

I'm happy with those numbers.

I must be getting more comfortable with this 'pregnancy' thing, yesterday we booked our private gender scan. August 31st we'll see if I'm buying dresses or wondering how I'm going to potty train a boy.

25 days and counting!

Pee exhaustion :(

My first serious pregnancy moan. Yep that's right, I'm moaning.

For the past 2 weeks I wake up, on average, every 1.5-2hours to pee, I then can't fall asleep straight away. Last night it was 11pm, 12.45, 2am, 3.15am, 5.40am and I've been awake ever since. I'm struggling to get through a full working day with this crappy sleep. I can't limit my fluid intake as this little one makes me feel so thirsty and when I'm thirsty I feel nauseous.

I might start wearing nappies.

In other news - no spotting since Friday. I found the brown discharge around 2pm on Friday and that was it. Nothing else in my underwear and only saw it when I wiped, it was gone and back to normal by Saturday morning. Midwife isn't concerned but I'm still a little on the anxious side. Good job little on is thumping away in there - we can even hear them moving now on the doppler.

Postponing the reveal

Things were going so well!

Around 2pm yesterday I felt something a little weird going on and went to the bathroom. No blood, but there was some brown discharge which immediately causes panic. I called the early pregnancy unit and they asked the usual questions - sex? No. Heavy lifting? No. Signs if bleeding on ultrasound? No. They couldn't explain it, but told me to take it easy over the weekend and call them on Monday if it hasn't stopped.

Luckily it seems to have stopped, I've worn panty liners for the past 24 hours and they've been completely clean when I've changed them. Let's hope it's just one of those things. I feel like he/she has definitely 'popped' up out of my pelvis over the past day or two so maybe it was the stretching. Feeling a little tender down there for sure.

Luckily, we have a doppler, which I vowed I would never do but it's good that we have because I can hear their little heart beating away which helps to calm the nerves.

We were going to tell family this weekend but Fridays episode has been enough for us to out if off until next weekend at the earliest.

Hello second trimester (....depending on where you look)

12 weeks today!

Two pregnancy apps congratulated me on being in the second trimester and the other told me I was in the last week of my first trimester. Whether it's first or second we reached 12 weeks which I class as a cause for celebration.

We had out NT scan yesterday, this little wriggly bmi wouldn't keep still and it took the ultrasound lady an age to actually pin point the fold. I had to roll over to get him/her to move and then everytime she put the wand on my belly he/she rolled over. She then made me go and empty my bladder to see of that helped, well it didn't, and when we got back baby was now facing us...eventually she pinned them down long enough to get a measurement which is 1.2mm. We were told that was well below the 'risk range' of 3mm, but as we had the combined test we have to wait until they've for the blood results for a real result. I'm not too worried though I have to admit.

In 4 days baby Briggs had grown a full centimetre and looks different already!

Two little hands in front of their face.

Belly is definitely growing...but I'm still in the awkward pregnant or fat stage. Going to a school friends wedding tomorrow night and have just had to buy a brand new maternity dress for the occasion. Why are all maternity clothes so frumpy?!

11w1d

...and I have a new love

Everything looked fine. Baby's heart was beating away and wiggling their arms and legs for is to see, they even did a little jump when the ultrasound prove was pushed on a little harder.

Measuring 11+5 and ultrasound tech says we can now take a huge sigh of relief. I know we're never 100% in the clear but I feel more confident.

They also told me our dating scan was on the system and is next Wednesday, so we only have to wait 4 days before seeing them again.

Thank you for everyone who text and sent messages, I'm sorry I haven't managed to reply to them all. I've been feeling so poorly and had so many messages coming through I just haven't had time to respond. But I do appreciate them all!

Yikes - 21 hour countdown

I'm one of those people who never likes to bother doctors with anything because I'm sure I'm wasting their time and they'll think I'm silly.

Well this morning I had a moment of bravery and called the early pregnancy unit to express my worries about my recent fever and diminishing pregnancy symptoms - I was expecting them to laugh at me and tell me to stop worrying. Nope, scheduled in for an ultrasound at 9am tomorrow to check everything is OK.

Equal parts nervous and terrified.

Being sick and pregnant sucks

Without sounding too dramatic, at the minute I feel sicker than I have done in a very long time, including my gallbladder saga.

I don't mean pregnant sick either, at 11 weeks my morning sickness has actually eased up and I'm feeling pretty good. My boobs have also stopped hurting so much (OK, I admit I have spent hours panicking a googling) but I've been told this is normal when moving towards the second trimester. It appears we're in the awful period between first trimester symptoms settling and second trimester movements beginning - and it could still be another 2-3 weeks until our scan date. I sense a few nervous days coming up..

Anyway, on Sunday I started feeling a little under the weather and figured I was coming down with a cold, my chest was scratchy and my nose was runny, I felt worse Monday morning so had a sick day from work to try and recover. I spent most the day with tissues stuffed up my nose and feeling a little sorry for myself but I did OK. Tuesday I woke up and, to my surprise, didn't feel better, actually I felt worse. Achy muscles, head ache etc... Which gradually got worse and worse during the day rendering me completely useless on the sofa. At this stage I decided to take paracetamol to try and ease some discomfort. Then yesterday happened. It started off OK, I woke up coughing and sneezing with severe sinus pain so self diagnosed with sinusitus/sinus infection - I know these are common in pregnancy so I just had to suck it up. I was drinking plenty fluids and taking paracetamol but my temperature just kept rising - when it jumped from 98.2 to 99.5 in an hour Martin called the midwife to see what she recommended, she was very reassuring and said it was nothing to do with the pregnancy given my other symptoms and I was fine to carry on taking paracetamol and drinking plenty of fluids, our only job was to keep my temperature down.

Last night was one of the worst nights ever - even with a fan on in the room and ice cubes on my head my temperature quickly jumped to 100.9 and at this point the thermometer tells you something is wrong. I could sleep, I couldn't get comfortable, my head hurts, my arms hurt, and when I do fall asleep I kept having those horrible sick-dreams - you know the ones where you keep going round and round in crocked and not getting anywhere and waking up confused and burning up.

I stayed awake from 3.20-7.20 trying to cool down and finally drifted off a few hours ago. I woke up and my temp has dropped to 98.9 which is great but I feel dreadful. Absolutely no energy and can barely lift my head off the pillow. The doctors say there's not much they can give a pregnant woman for sinusitus so keep taking paracetamol and fluids and sleep it off as much as I can. Great. So as well as my constantly stinging nostrils and blood I keep sneezing I've got to try and fit in as much sleep as I can.

Little one you're super powers better kick in soon and make me better!

Mummies - how do you do it??

So last night at 10w4d we decided that we were starting to feel safe enough to begin thinking about money when I'm on maternity leave. I wish I hadn't as I've now been awake since 5am worrying about how we're going to manage!

In the UK we are fairly lucky, if my limited knowledge of maternity leave elsewhere is correct that is) I am entitled to a full 52 weeks leave, as well as being eligible for statutory maternity pay my employer also has a generous maternity benefit scheme on top. There are two different ways I can receive payment during ML;

1) 8 weeks at 100% salary and then 16 weeks half pay + SMP on top followed by 15 weeks SMP and finished off with 13 weeks unpaid.

2) 16 weeks at 50% salary with SMP on top, 23 weeks SMP then 13 weeks unpaid.

My current salary is around £460 a week, not a huge amount but it's comfortable to live on. Statutory maternity pay is £138.18 a week...that gives us over a £300 short fall PER WEEK when I'm off work with the little one. Cue panic mood. Martin earns roughly the same, we're not by any means rich but we make ends meet and manage to have a little left over every month for some luxuries like meals out, new clothes etc...but with over a 10,000 cut in my salary next year I don't know how we're going to manage. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I can't afford to take a whole year off with baby Briggs and will have to return to work earlier than I'd hopes to get some money coming back in. The lovely UK government have deemed Martin and I to be earning too much money to be eligible for any extra benefits what so ever, so no help there. We're saving what we can now so we have a little pot of money to help, but I don't know how people do it??? We will struggle a lot with this cut in wages but my company salary pay is an added extra, some woman only get SMP. How do they do it? They must be super heros or something.

So my questions to you, mummies around the world, how did you make ends meet when little one arrived? Did you save before hand, suck it up and just 'cope' or do you know some secret tips to keep me with some money in 7 months time??

In other news - we met with the midwife last Thursday. She was nice...but I wouldn't go to her for a reassuring hug if I needed it. I told her I was worried because I didn't 'feel' pregnant really, and although she said that was common and she wouldn't worry, that we should also keep a little in reserve to prepare for bad news as she can't guarantee everything will be ok. I know she can't give false hope, but that didn't help. I filled in lots of paper work and had my blood drawn and that was about it. I was hoping I'd get to hear babies heart beat at least but nada. We should have the appointment date through for our 'dating' scan this week, all we know is it's between 11-14 weeks and we're 11 weeks on Thursday so shouldn't be too much waiting.

She finished the appointment by giving us our medical exemption form for free prescriptions and dental treatment during pregnancy - but followed this up with "send it off after your first scan when you know everything's OK". This also didn't help to settle my worries.

My sore boobs are easing up but I'm trying not to worry as I know this can be common after 9-10 weeks when the placenta begins forming. Sickness is still on and off if I've not eaten and for the past few days I've just felt generally crappy.

This morning I've woken up with a sore throat and a cough as well as my usual head ache and nausea, aren't I a lucky lady. I've had to admit defeat and take a sick day at work - I hate taking sick days!

10 days until 12 weeks and I'll feel much better.

How is the first trimester over already?!

9w4d

Before I start I just need to clarify that I type these on my iPhone which inevitably autocorrects random words when it feel like it - I've noticed a few weird and wonderful spelling and word mistakes dotted throughout my recent posts. Trusty iPhone!

The 9w4d bloat

(Some people may think it's weird I share these but this is my online journal and I like to look back...)

I'm under absolutely NO illusion that this is in any way shape or form baby, it's all bloat and my usual fat pouch being pushed higher. It's causing me problems with clothes though! I can feel where my uterus is now which is new for week 9. There's a small hard ball just peeking above my pubic bone where the little guy is hiding - if you look REALLY closely at the photo you can see the tiniest little bit of 'bump' (I use the term loosely) just at the highest lacey part of my underwear - that's baby. So tiny and unnoticeable. My fat is definitely being pushed a little higher and out by moving internal bits and pieces, again only something I've noticed recently but my surgery scar on the inside of my belly button is now visible to me - I've never seen this before.

I feel calmer this week and not so panicky. Still only mild nausea in the mornings now I've changed my prenatal time, fatigue is very much with me as are the bright blue veins running through my girls. Breast pain has changed from a very tended bruised feeling to a much deeper painful feeling. Giving them a poke used to be bearable and give the same results as poking a bruise, now if they are poked the pain lasts around 20 seconds and spreads throughout the whole boob. Constipation is here to stay and not my friend and so is constipation a close friend, gas. It's a good job I've already netted my husband, my bodily functions recently have been horrendous!

Weird craving seeping in...Chinese chicken was my latest and salted peanuts. After regularly eating scrambled eggs for breakfast I now can't stand the thought of the slimy shelled bastards sitting in the fridge.

We finally have our first midwives appointment in Thursday. No scans or anything to get excited about but the usual bloods and paper work as well as finalising where we want baby Briggs to be born. All getting a little surreal now. 80% of the way through the first trimester - at the end of the month we'll be into the second. Where is the time going?! We've even been brave enough to sit down and seriously discuss names.

I think the NHS have a vendetta against me...

I had a weird phone call from an unknown number while I was sat at my desk today but picked it up hoping it would be the midwife. It wasn't. It was the receptionist from the GP surgery who confirmed my name and then said "Are you under the care of a midwife?" I said "no, but you sent a referral off for me last week and I haven't heard anything. When will they be in touch?" She put me on hold and then came back with "oh they don't normally get in touch until around 6-7 weeks" I was confused but was surrounded by colleagues who don't know about the pregnancy so couldn't really talk so I couldn't push it. I hung up the phone and called her back when I went for my lunch.

Well, I explained that I am 9 weeks tomorrow and so far I have no midwife of any antenatal care to speak of, the receptionist told me I wouldn't need an appointment until 12 weeks. Idiot. I then explained that I understood the first SCAN was at 12 weeks, but I needed to be under the care of a midwife before that and be 'checked in' to a maternity centre of a hospital, which hadn't happened.

After a few telephone calls backwards and forwards it transpires that the reason I haven't heard from the midwife is being the useless dippy bint of a receptionist last week didn't send my referral form to the midwife at all, so they had absolutely no idea I existed.

That's now our IVF referral, my gallbladder surgery referral and now this that have all not been sent first time.

I foresee this being a long a gruelling 9 months..

In other news private scan isn't booked as we can't get one which works around our work schedules. Martin has started a new job and can't take time off at short notice so I'm just going to have to sit tight until the NHS decide to treat me to a peek inside. Until then I'll try and believe I'm one of the lucky ones who has a completely straight forward pregnancy with no bad bits. There's a few of these mystical creatures on the interweb!

9 week panic

Well 8w6d but I'm rounding up for the sake of a few hours.

I've always said I've only had bearable symptoms, I had three days of vomiting but then I switched to takings prenatals in the evening and the vomiting has stopped. I still feel a little quest first thing before I eat but nothing too bad. My one main symptom all the way through are the monster breasts which were painful and grew 2 cup sizes since we got our BFP.

Well yesterday my sore boobs disappeared into thin air. I feel fine. Hence huge panic and being awake from 4.45am this morning trying not to worry.

We still haven't heard anything from the midwife about our checking in appointment (seriously, gotta love the NHS) so no idea when our first 'official' scan will be. I have, however, found a private scanning place close to work which performs "early anything reassurance scans" for a small (£50!) fee.

I sense an appointment being made with them as soon as they open at 8am.

Is this actually happening?!!

Took this photo last night to add to our 'baby book'. Obviously, this is Daddy talking to the little one before we head to sleep.

I just spent the past 3-4 minutes simply trying to take this photo in.

There isn't enough room in my heart to store this

Wowzers

Since we gained our BFP we were both a little apprehensive of jumping back into bed. Martin was convinced he would "poke him/her out" (I did inform him that a) well doesn't he think highly of himself! And b) not remotely possible) I was concerned as I know sex in the first trimester can cause cramps which would make me worry more than anything.

I got to the researching and found that we're not a high risk pregnancy being 90% natural apart from the actual conceiving part, I'm not on any medication or pessaries which make the general area undesirable so there was no real medical reason why we can't have sex...

Sex while pregnant = my new absolute favorite thing. It almost makes up for the nausea and monster boobs. Let's add bigger, better 'O' to the 'pro' list of pregnancy!

Pregnancy and me

At I only 8 weeks pregnant I am by no means an expert, but my relationship with pregnancy so far has been a good one. Although I've learned some strange things about myself.

Today the nausea is about a 6/10, and this is one of the worst days. I think I've been quite lucky on the morning sickness front. First thing in a morning my stomach is growling in hunget and I feel nauseous, often I dry heave but obviously there's nothing in my stomach so no actual vomiting. Once I've eaten something the nausea tends to disappear or become extremely mild. Hunget now strikes quickly and I can go from completely full and wanting no food what-so-ever to dry heaving and a growling stomach in around 30minutes.

My odd pregnancy fact - between 11.30am-11.40am WITHOUT FAIL I get nauseous. Weird huh? Yesterday at 11.35am I had a sudden wave of dizziness and nausea in the kitchen. I picked up the nearest bottle of lemonade to help settle my stomach then promptly proceeded to throw up said lemonade into the kitchen sink. I then felt 100% normal...

I'd say 80% of my time is spent feeling absolutely normal, in fact it would be easy to forget I'm actually pregnant. 20% of it is spent yawning and drinking ginger ale to settle my stomach, which reminds me something's going on. It comes and goes so quickly I can nearly register it's happening!

Boobs are still very tender and no bras fit comfortably. I'm usually a 34DD and yesterday I splashed out on a new 36E bra to help contain the monsters. Too small :( I'm going to cope with what i have until I can go and get measured for a bra in a few weeks. These girls cannot be contained!

My current anxiety is telling people about our pregnancy. Not friends and family, of whom only the closest know, but medical professionals. Informing medical professionals terrifies me and I don't know why. On Monday I completed my self referral to the midwife detailing which hospital we wanted to use and I almost had a panic attack at the GPs office while doing it. I didn't sleep at all the night before because for some reason I was just petrified of taking the next big step! Like seeing a midwife will make the pregnancy disappear?!

Yesterday I had my dental check up and had to inform the dentist of my pregnancy as I was due to have some routine x-rays done after an extraction. He cancelled the x-rays and informed me that he wanted to replace one of my old fillings with a new one but "...drilling the old one will release mercury which can be bad for the baby. We'll wait until baby is born before we do any dental work on you" again, I almost had a panic attack and felt like shouting "whoa whoa whoa back up! I've not even had my 12 weeks scan yet!"

I am so excited to finally be going through this, but clearly subconsciously I've convinced myself something is going to go wrong. I need to snap out of it. One minute I'm searching for cots and maternity clothes and the next I'm google "chances of missed miscarriage" or "does nomirning sickness mean unhealthy pregnancy?" It's even worse than my FET bi-polar!

I bought a new dress on Monday, a frigging maternity dress!! I know I know, at 8 weeks there is NO bump to accommodate but I saw it, liked it and tried it on and it doesn't even look likes maternity dress. It's elasticated under the boobs and just falls naturally so I can start wearing it straight away. So I'll buy maternity clothes but loose sleep over telling my own doctor. Mad woman!

Edit: 28 days until Trimester number 2!!!

Just for fun...

I feel like a whale at the minute. I've already mentioned that I gained weight before FET, mostly down to comfort eating and not giving a crap. I weighed myself yesterday and I've gained 2.5lbs since getting my bfp. To be honest I though it would be more than that as I am definitely puffier than I was before! Thank god for jeggings and elasticated waists!

It certainly doesn't help that my current craving is salty crisps and I have to eat to not feel nauseous. I will try DESPERATELY to not end that pregnant weighing the same as a small bus.

Just for fun check out the 7w2d pouch!

Edit: this is laying down in bed this morning. It's easier to capture this way rather than when I'm sat up and my general flabby-ness joins in ;)

Pringles

I NEED them.

Salted Pringles. If I don't get some today I will not be held responsible for my actions!

Drum roll please....

7 weeks today.

Keep going little one!

After my one bad day this weekend the nausea seems to have changed. I do feel sick first thing in a morning before I eat, and I continue to feel nauseous if I let myself get hungry throughout the day. If I keep regularly eating I'm OK. I've found a more susceptible to travel sickness on the train and I struggle more to use my phone to keep me occupied during the morning commute.

Tiredness still raging and boobs are still very sore. I'm still panicking about not having many symptoms but I'm relaxing a tiny bit more with every day tha passes. I kep reminded myself that after you see a heart beat you have a 90-95% chance of a perfectly healthy baby. I chant it to myself numerous times a day.

I'm on annual leave from work now and won't be returning until I'm almost 9 weeks which means I can catch up on some much needed sleep and look forward to hitting double digits with this little one.

The fear of attending my next scan and being told baby Briggs is no longer with us is one I'm pushing to the back of my mind most days. But I'm doing good, I feel more relaxed.

I just can't wait to see them again!

Hey nausea

Welcome to the party.

Feeling increasingly nauseous when I wake up in the mornings now. Yesterday it was noticeable but didn't prevent me from doing much, today it's a really horrid 'drank-too-much-going-to-puke' kinda feeling in my upper throat. Still nothing that will prevent me from getting on with my day to day activities.

I'm certainly not complaining - we work damn hard for this queasiness!

The scan

I don't think I've ever been so petrified for something ever in my life, it didn't help that they were late calling us through so our 12am appointment actually became 11.15am.

We saw the little guy and more importantly saw his little heart beating away. Everything looks perfect, they measured them at 5w5d(+-3) which they said is absolutely fine for this stage. Before the scan started the nurse explained that if they were worried about anything they would bring us back in next week for a follow up, but after our scan this morning they've discharged us and are sending us to the normal person pregnancy unit. I'm not going to lie, I was upset about that. I love our small little community at the clinic! I need to make an appointment with my GP and wait for our midwife appointment which will be around 11-13 weeks! How can we wait that long!? We can call them for anything in the mean time, but once we've had our first 'proper' appointment we are no longer patients of the ACU.

I honestly don't know how to feel. Relieved. Ecstatic. Terrified. Overwhelmed. You name it, I feel it.


P.s. EDD 12th February 2015

6 weeks?!?

Did I really just type that?!

Wowzers.

The wait from freshly pregnant 4 weeks to 5 weeks seemed like an eternity, but I can't believe as turned 6 weeks pregnant today!!

Tiredness and very sore boobs still my two main symptoms, starting to feel a little under the weather throughout the mornings but I wouldn't class it as m/s.

Moment of truth is tomorrow at 11am - please let there be a little heart beating away. Please.

Edit: I'm adding hunger to my list. But a very specific hunger that strikes as soon as I wake up in the morning. I seem to be so hungry first thing that I wake up with a growling tummy...

The infertile pregnant woman (yes, we exist)

For the past 2 weeks since I've known I was pregnant (is it seriously only two weeks?!!) I've often wondered if anyone has ever had a completely worry free pregnancy. If I had just gotten pregnant naturally would I spend so many hours in constant worry, or be preparing myself for the worst at every possible hurdle?! I wonder what it's like to see a BFP and not analyse the shade of the line, do ten more for comparison then obsessively google photos of bfps, beta levels etc...before having it confirmed. What's it like to get a bfp and just sit back and smile and be excited? Don't get me wrong, there are a few blissful moments when I find myself thinking of names or nursery ideas but then I find myself mentally scolding myself for getting carried away with it all at barely 6 weeks!

After all these years don't we DESERVE to have some blissful happiness that isn't tormented by worry immediately after?!

When I was cramping daily from BFP I was panicking, now the cramping has stopped I'm panicking.

I'm convinced somebody is going to report me for molesting myself as I am obsessed with poking my boobs. I've realised now that I don't even care when or where, when I want reassurance I'll give me a poke! Whether that's at work, on the train on at the supermarket check out!

Yesterday I didn't nap in the afternoon - clearly a bad sign!

I don't have morning sickness yet - never pregnant in the first place, all a fluke.

Sometimes I do relax and remind myself that all is well, we're almost at 6 weeks with no spotting or any bleeding to report. But then I remember....BLIGHTED OVUMS! You don't spot or bleed at all with those, yes, I definitely must have one of them.

Jeeez. I think with infertility we're just predisposed to be given bad news, I don't think we are now physically capable of receiving good news when we go to the clinic.

Needless to say I had a total of around 2 hours sleep last night because I couldn't stop worrying about bloody blighted ovums. What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm pregnant, we finally did it. Yet rather than planning on our big announcement in planning my recovery period for when it all gets taken away from us.

Damn you infertility for absolutely ruining what is supposed to be one of the most joyful times of my entire life.

80% of pregnancies are perfectly healthy. 80% of pregnancies are perfectly healthy, which means there's only a 20% chance of being one of the unlucky ones. Those odds aren't too bad - but then I remember that I've been in the unlucky 10% before and stayed there for 4 years.

Today I am calling in sick to catch up on sleep and actually look after myself. I worked an extra 8 hours last week and felt completely exhausted. For once I don't feel too guilty for calling in sick, and I've decided in going to be totally honest with my manager. I'm pregnant, I'm exhausted, I feel under the weather and I need to rest up. So there.

Friday can't come soon enough, if there's a little heart beating in there I need to see it to believe it.

5 1/2 weeks

Our festival weekend is over :(

Woke up this morning with what feels like a killer hangover, horrid-pre-vomit-saliva-mouth and a very upset stomach. Even my spring water had me running for the bathroom. Which means we've made the decision to cut our weekend slightly short and head home this morning instead of to the arena. My back and tummy will be thankful, but we're going to miss Aerosmith which is heartbreaking!

The very first story this little one is going to get told is how they have to be on their absolute best behaviour because mummy missed Aerosmith for them.

P.s. Huge smiles all round when Martin got his very first 'Daddy-to-be' Father's Day card this morning. Now there's something we never thought we'd get to do!

5w2d - did I speak too soon?!

Woke up this morning just feeling very icky. Not neaseous as such, just very 'Bleugh'. I have a pounding headache and my boobs (which we have now nicknamed 'the monsters' are just ridiculous. I wouldn't say it's morning sickness, just general feeling under the weather. I got up at 9am to jump on the shower and ended up going to lie down again for an hour because I didn't have the energy to actually get in.

We're currently at a 3 day music festival (Download Festival) and I was worried at first, but it's going fine. We're staying in a hotel so no camping for us, there are 100,000+ people there and A LOT of rock music but we've managed to stay away from the big crowds, find places to sit/stand that aren't crowded so I feel more relaxed about the next two days. The only problem is peeing! The toilets at the festival aren't as bad as I've seen them before, bit definitely not pleasant! My favorite band headlined last night and I tried to dance and sing quite sensibly as I was convinced any jumping would dislodge the little one. Needless to say I jped for around 30seconds when my all time favorite song came on, then my boobs quickly reminded me that jumping was an absolute no-no!

I was also a bit worried about food as festival food isn't exactly known for it's culinary goodness, alas, I am pleasantly surprised! So many different food stuffs available and all registered with food standards (most importantly look clean!) so yesterday I enjoyed a 6pz pure beef burger (amazing, non of the normal processes crap) with rocket and gerkins with churros and chocolate sauce for afters...delicious!

Today's top bands are Fall Out Boy and Linkin Park playing their first album, Hybrid Theory, which I few up obsessed with from around the age of 14. Remember - no jumping!

Calling all mummies!

Did you have morning sickness? If so, when did it start?

At the minute my HUGE boobs and tiredness are my biggest signs that the little guy is in there, absolutely no m/s what-so-ever. I know ok only 5w1d, but I need to worry about something, right??

Obviously no m/s = no baby. Duh

Settle my crazy mind you lovely people

5 weeks

...the bloat is real

We did it!!

5w-1d

Today is 4w6d pregnant, but I'm so excited to reach a number that isn't 4 that I'm cheating and classing it as 5weeks - 1 day. Makes perfect sense right?!

As far as I'm aware I'm still pregnant :) cramping had continued on and off but no spotting or bleeding. Boobs are now the size of a small house and very painful. No sickness yet, but I know it's still so early. Having said that, as I'm laid in bed typing this I don't feel too great.

Today is the day that this littles ones cardiac contractions should start...that's both reassuring and terrifying.

It feels like a lifetime until our first ultrasound 8 days away and I'm starting to panic that we'll get there and they'll find it's all been a huge mix-up and there's nothing in there.

One more day

We've made it one more day.

Keep growing. Be healthy.

Goodnight.

Goodnight Ritual

For the past 5 nights when we've crawled into bed (at an unreasonably early hour as I'm exhausted by 9am and napping during the day) we've taken to looking at each other and saying "we've made it another day". Then Martin kisses my belly (or sometimes my pubic bone but I don't have the heart to tell him) and say "keep growing, be healthy". Only then will be go to sleep.

I have a long weekend this coming weekend as we're going to a music festival - yeah you read that right. In my defence the tickets were booked in November. I'm excited to go and it'll take my mind off of it for the weekend, I have an irrational fear that the music will somehow vibrate baby out, but apart from that I'm not too worried. We're there for 3 days but have a lovely hotel booked for each night, plan on going back when tired, getting a good nights sleep and breakfast before heading back to the festival site, we're going to drive in every day, stay at the back of the big crowds and sit in the sun and relax where possible.

Let's hope at 5w2d pregnant nausea doesn't decide to make an appearance! I don't really relish the thought of spending longer than needed in a festival toilet...

4w2d

With every single day that passes I feel a little calmer - athough I'm certainly not under the impressions we're even half way out of the woods.

Cramps are still here but fading some what, they're particularly bad on the evenings or when my bladder is full. Apart from that not much, boobs are any more painful than they were 5 days ago and no other glaring symptoms.

I feel good :)

4w1d preggo

Not much to report, just wanted to write that title ;)

Yesterday I resisted the urge to test and felt absolutely fine with it! So somewhere deep inside I must be calm.
More cramping last night so this little guy is definitely tunnelling in, hopefully for the long haul!

Slept like a log again last night. A solid 9 hours before the alarm went off this morning which feels so good!

I don't know if this is hormone/preggo related but I'm waking up STARVING every morning. Seriously, I want a fry up as soon as I get out of bed. Constipation has also jumped on for the journey - not fun!

We had to tell people who know about treatment last night that we were pregnant. It was terrifying. Everyone is ecstatic, but it makes is so nervous knowing people know. Apart from the people that I want to know I.e. People who read my blog!

2 weeks today til we get to see a little heart beating - I don't know how I'm going to hold on that long!

P.s. A request from me: unless we are friends (I.e. Text me, regularly comment on my blog etc...) can I please ask you don't mention our pregnancy and me by name in anything you write online. Blogs are surprisingly easy to find, and to be frank, it isn't your news or right to share it. Especially if we don't speak and at 4weeks pregnant we are no way set for the next 9 months. (Not my commenters, who's support I adore!)

Beta #1 is in

Went for the dreaded blood test this morning after last nights digi allowed me to have the best nights sleep in a long time.

When we arrived it was one of our favourite nurses, Julie, who called us through. She was there for both of our transfers so she knows us well/me intimately.

She asked if we had tested and said her congratulations, then explained that the magic number they like to see at 9dp5dt is 75+. If its 75 or below they request patients come back 2 days later to see if HCG is increasing, but if its 75+ they no longer request patients do another beta. The consultants at the clinic think it is unnecessary and caused un-needed stress, and a level of 75+ shows a great starting point with not much call for worry. Their research shows betas of 100+ have an 80% chance of becoming full-term, healthy pregnancies. SOOOOO if you get a beta of 75+ they book you in for your first scan at 6-7weeks to see whats going on and hopefully hear a heart beat.

Our is 94!!!!!

The first time I've cried is when I got off the phone from the clinic. The relief is unbelievable.

June 20th is our first scan.

This is absolutely surreal.

Someone tie me up

I know I shouldn't, but check out those gorgeous lines!

BFP 8.5dp5dt.

After drinking 2 litres of water and peeing every hour this afternoon. Did manage to hold for 3 hours before getting this.

Maybe I am pregnant

8dp5dt

7dp5dt = top
8dp5dt = bottom

(Sorry Jess, no Sharpie in the house! I plan on stealing one from work for future use)

Obviously this morning I wanted to see the darkest positive that ever was, but I'd say for a gap of 24hours between tests there is some progression. Agreed?

We've waited so very long to get here and now I'm petrified! I won't feel a little better until my beta tomorrow - as soon as I hear the nurse say "it's positive!" Over the phone I might start believing it a little more.

Symptom wise:

1) Cramps are still very much with me. A little more on and off than they were between 4-7dpt but every so often I get a good one that reminds me what's going on.
2) Boobs are bigger and heavier, but not as sore as I thought they would be. The type of soreness I am experiencing though is very different to any I've experienced before.
3) Thirst. Actually, I don't know if it's thirst or dry mouth (is there a difference?) but I'm drinking tons of water/squash and never getting enough.
4) Peeing. More to do with the thirst I should imagine, there's not enough going on down there to account for the hourly trips to the bathroom.
5) Hot!! So very warm constantly! Last night I fell asleep only to wake up an hour later feeling like my bed had been moved to the centre of the earth. Poor Martin spent the night in the guest bedroom as sleeping in a bed with him when I'm so hot is impossible.

That's about it. I'm numb. It doesn't feel like this is happening to me. I can't stop thinking about everything! One more day until beta and then I'm hoping some of this worry begins to fade, or at least gets replaced with a worry for first scan.

Cling on little one! You're causing me enough pain in there, you better be buried deep!!

7dp5dt

I'm just going to leave this here

My grey cloud is moving a little further away

6dp5dt

Cramps that started on 4dpt have been pretty much constant since then. Yesterday I got off the sofa and had a awful shooting pain to the right of my uterus. I keep panicking that it's AF gearing up to arrive but I keep convincing myself that if it was, after 2 days or cramps I'd be spotting by now, which I'm not.

Boob soreness is up to around a 5-6/10 and only on the undersides, bruised from the nipple downward (sounds like a really cheesy erotic book title).

Mixed emotions. Don't know what to think. I know I feel sick thinking about POAS but I don't know how much longer I can hold off!

5dp5dt

Did I POAS?

No, I'm being strong.

Yesterday was an awful awful day! Not just my miserable mood, but the car went for the MOT (yearly test needed to declare it's safe and fit to drive) and it passed, but I have two back tyres and rear brake discs to replace, not a cheap job! Then we went to IKEA and I was surrounded by heavily pregnant woman; seriously?! I get needing to shop for baby or nursery things, but they were everywhere! Kitchen section, living room section, picture frame area etc...but I did feel better after some meatballs.

Then that evening we came home to hang our new pictures above the fireplace, removed an old one, took out the picture hook holding it up and a lovely whoosh of gas followed it!

Great. So now we have a gas leak/hole in the fire flue which requires knocking a whole in the wall to fix, another quiet expensive job!

But...my cramps returning last night, dull aches with painful pulls every so often and I woke up this morning and they're still here. Seriously hoping it's not AF gearing up for an early arrival! Boobs about a 4/10 on the tender scale, nothing anyone but a crazy woman would pay attention to.

My dad and grandparents are coming over to dinner tonight and my Nanan and I ALWAYS share a bottle of wine over dinner. Need to think of some good excuses for not drinking without getting asked too much? (My dad knows about our IF but I haven't told him about this on going round of treatments. He gets upset and worries too much and without my Mum has nobody to really rely on, so I keep it quiet til we have news good or bad)

Todays top tip

If you're feeling low during a TWW, IKEA? Not a good idea.

Does it emit some sort of sound only pregnant woman can hear?

On the plus side I have new candles and new pictures and frames for the house.

4dp5dt

It seems that no matter how much I want them, symptoms just aren't going to happen.

Apart from my evening of cramps 2dpt, not much since then. I've had a few twinges on and off, but right now I can't tell you if they were real, or just because nearly every waking moment is spent concentrating on my uterus!

My boobs are fine,the underside is sore, but onl if I actually poke there. No 'taking off the bra boob pain' which generally happens to me around ovulation and/or AF.

I don't feel anything.

I'm seriously emotional, but I defy any woman to go through this and not be.

I was going to ok the whole week off work, but had some results to release to students yesterday that were already a week late, so I went I'm with the sole purpose to do that. I had spent a bit of time during my annual leave working on the database for these results so they were ready to go in time and spent the first three hours of yesterday morning working on them. I was then informed 10minutes before they were due to go out that we don't release results on Fridays "...I'm case students have a meltdown and do something stupid over the weekend". My counter argument? "...I get that. But nobody has failed?" Apparently this wasn't a good enough argument and I was promptly informed by four members of higher management that I was NOT to release the results. I must have been emotional because I genuinely shouted that it was ridiculous, stormed back to my desk in the middle of someone speaking to me and proceeded to try not to cry for the next hour or so.

Today is very much the same. Martin looked at me this morning and just said "anything today?" And I just cried.

We still don't know what we're going to do about testing. I'm still not sure how I'm going to cope with working full time and finding out the results of a cycle.

I not being negative for the sake of being negative, I just have a gut feeling this isn't the cycle for us and my gut isn't often wrong.

Is it test day yet?!

This week is destroying me!

Yesterday I was negative Nellie all morning and then, at around 4pm I felt the familiar sensation of cramps. Not full blown AF type cramps, but mine are horrendously bad, they were more like pre-AF cramps - the type I class as warning cramps which usually signal I need pain relief now, otherwise it is too late. Along with these came the usual warm tummy sensation I get with AF.

I was SO excited I was feeling something that I almost wanted to punch the air! I have never been happier to feel cramps! In bed at 9.30ish I had a very buzz are 'lightning' strike type pain in my stomach. It starting at the bottom of my abdomen and spread upwards - like a lightning strike. It couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds but it was weird.

So yesterday I let myself feel a little positive. 2dp5dt, cramps, it was all looking promising.

Then I woke up this morning and my cramps have gone. I missed them. And now I'm back to being negative nelly. I want my cramps back dammit!!!

2dp5dt

Can you believe I'm writing that title again?

Well yesterday was very uneventful, I feel great...it's strange that that's disappointing to me. I even started googling "1dp5dt no symptoms" like an actual crazy lady, when I KNOW that in real terms that only equates to 6dpo. PUT GOOGLE AWAY YOU MAD LADY!

I felt nauseous for about an hour and a yesterday evening which never happens to me unless I'm ill, but at 1dp transfer I'm not attributing that to anything other than an empty stomach and diet coke.

Today I feel fine too (well, it's only 9.15am) I do feel a little bruised I'm the uterine area, but only that I notice if I'm reaching up to get something or bending down to pick something up. Again, I'm not attributing that to anything but a large plastic tube poking into my womb 2 days ago.

I had a minute amount of brown spotting yesterday, so minute I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't looking out for it. Last time round I had more noticeable spotting so I feel like my cervix and womb has had an easier ride.

I'm not back at work until tomorrow and I'm going crazy! I know booking time off work was a good thing to do, but it's just me and the cats and the picture of our little embryo hanging above the fireplace. I, personally, don't think I can be blamed for googling myself silly. While googling I did notice SO MANY, mostly American, woman who had the whole two weeks off work. HOW DO THEY DO IT?! Clinics over here don't recommend ANY time away from work and encourage you to get back into your normal routine the day after transfer. Two weeks of bed rest and my mental health would be beyond recovery!

Last month I suffered from FET bipolar, this month I just have FET depression. The first two days are no different to our last negative cycle so I'm finding it difficult to stop being Eeyore and letting the black cloud follow me around. We're already talking about next cycle, then I get a pang of guilt incase the little guy is still there and can hear us. The most heart wrenching thing is knowing if it hasn't worked our embryo is already dead. It actually pains me.

Did I mention that official test day (June 5th) is the day I'm presenting at a conference all day? A conference which has been planned since January and there's no way out of it. Next week is SO busy that it simply isn't possible for me to have any time off at home no matter what the outcome of the cycle - if it is negative I'm going to struggle. A lot.

Votes for when we should test;

1) Sunday: I will only be 5dp5dt so it's still a little early although chances are could give an accurate result. It would give us the whole day together to grieve or celebrate (panic) before returning to work on Momday, but I don't want to test negative than convince myself it's too early and live I'm false hope.

2) Tuesday might : I will be 7dp5dt so should get an accurate result. BUT I will only test when we get home from work at 7pm, which gives me a whole day at the office to sit through. We usually head to bed around 9.30pm (we're old and get up at 5.30) so it would mean very little time to actually sit and process and quite possibly, a difficult sleepless night.

Which is the lesser of two evils?

17hrsp5dt

It's only been 17 hours since transfer so I can't really say 1dp5dt just yet.

Transfer was as smooth as it was last time. They swapped the speculum half way through to a longer one to hold my cervix in place, but after a few minutes of soft prodding the catheter was through and I'm went the little embryo! We have another photo, but to be honest, it doesn't really mean much to us...we weren't given a grade or anything like that, all we know is that it wasn't a perfect last ocher, but it was deemed good enough to transfer and given a high enough chance of pregnancy that they felt confident using the theatre, two nurses, embryologist and equipment. The pros of this;

1) All we know is it is a 'viable' blast, which stops the obsessive comparison of embryo grade to success rates and spending hours googling what our chances are and either a) filling with false hope or b) becoming negative before we need to.
2) in the darkest of hours, provides a little glimmer of hope that no matter what, the clinic would NOT have wasted time putting this little snowflake back in if they didn't think there was a chance they could sign us off the books in 2 weeks.

The cons do this are;

1) I can't obsessively google trying to make myself feel better when it's 4am and I can't sleep;
2) I'm an eternal realist verging on pessimist, I would rather be armed with the facts, no matter how difficult they are to swallow, than have any false hope and be left heart broken. I have no facts.

I don't think they give the best quality photos. There isn't much magnification or easily distinguishable features. If you look carefully, which, only I would, it seems like the water bath they put the embryos in is 'vibrating' and they take the photo while it's doing so.
So, this is our little guy. I've decided getting a photo - worst idea ever. Google blastocyst - this little guy does not bear any resemblance to a 'normal' blast, which I've obviously decided means he's already left us. You can just make out two area where he's bursting out of his 'shell' and he was dividing away healthily until transfer so who knows. Thawed embryos aren't pretty, it's also pretty hard to find photos of thawed embryos online - needless to say non look like this. So I'll just step away from the computer.

It is now 4.33am and I can't sleep. I fell to sleep just fine around 11pm, but woke up around 40mins ago and my brain went into overdrive and I'm wide awake. It doesn't help that the bedroom is about a billion degrees, I have a snoring husband next to me and because the window is open to cool the room down I can hear the dawn chorus and the rain outside. Needless to say I think I'm awake for a while. This isn't unusual for me, and I would usually lay in bed tossing and turning for hours but I've been told when this happens I need to 'do something" and then my body should naturally get tired again. Normally, I take low dose sleeping tablets before bed which just about make sure I sleep through the night, but for the next 9 days I will not be taking any form of medication so I think a lot of lost sleep is going to happen. I believe the sleeping tablets I use are similar to Tylenol PM in the states, but without the painkillers, which I've been told is safe in pregnancy, but I still won't risk it around any possible implantation.

As for me, I think one negative cycle will all but destroy any positivity we both have and it's now been replaced with a horrid belief in 'reality', or at least what we've deemed reality. I think we're both geared up to see another BFN in 7 days time and as much as i want to shake that, it's pretty hard.

I sat on the sofa last night and told Martin I already knew it had failed - how could I possibly know?! I need to try and shake this dark cloud and forget about this as much as possible. I know some woman say they will just 'enjoy being PUPO while they still can' but for me, as heartless as it sounds, I think I'll only survive by trying to ignore I'm PUPO for as long as possible.

Well, now 5.08am, the rain is coming down harder and my 'doing stuff' hasn't helped as I'm still wide awake. To make matters worse I can hear Colin on the landing and if he hears me awake, he won't stop meowing until I'm up.

Here we go

Embryologist was supposed to call between 9-10am to let us know how our little snowie was getting on. The last few times they've called late, which has almost driven us to madness, this morning they called at 8.50am - obviously I was convinced the quick call was because it was bad news. Well, I was wrong. Our first little snowie made it safe and sound through thaw and is now waiting for us at the lab. 2 hours until we're re-united. Don't know much about them, just that they're a five day blast who survived a thaw...that means we still have two blasts on ice if this cycle fails. They said they expected a 60-70% thaw rate, so I guess we realistically have one left after this transfer.

Panic panic panic panic.

N.B. - the embryologist said "he" survived the thaw. Which is weird, but I like to think even though they don't know they make them a little more human by referring to them as he or she.

Preparation for transfer

I've just been an showered and shaved my legs, bikini area, armpits everything. If there's unwanted hair there I've just shaved it. I've also washed my hair twice to make sure all the product is out of it and washed my body from top to toe in non-scented body wash. Just in case. If I had a huge bottle of anti-bacterial in the house I would have washed in it.

4DPO

Tomorrow I will be PUPO for the second time in as any months. Now I'm starting to panic!

Edit: just had the call from the embryologist to check they were thawing one transferring one. She mentioned they would thaw through all of them until they got a 'survivor' if they needed to.

11am. Now I really am panicking

CD23

3 days til transfer. The butterflies in my tummy haven't hit me yet, but I'm sure they will. Have booked some extra days off work so I won't be going back until 3dp5dt.

Meanwhile, today is the day my MIL is visiting. Lord give me strength

CD20 all stations are go!

I'm ovulating :D

Of course I couldn't just trust my blood results, I had to do an OPK as soon as I got home and sure enough a blazing positive.

Transfer will be Tuesday 27th May. Now just to hope one of our little snowies make it through thaw.

Well bugger me!

So 4 days ago we have no follies over 10mm, lining had apparently shrunk down from 8mm to 6mm and my hormone levels were lowest of the low...

Today I have on 16mm follicle, a 10mm "lovely" lining, an almost positive ovulation test and blood work showing that I'm well the road to ovulation.

Transfer number 2 27th or 28th May (my Dads birthday is 28th)

Quickest turn around in history, or the shittest nurse ever on Saturday?

CD18....

So I never got round to updating on Saturday.

I called the clinic at 2pm and was prepared for an answer either way, alas, I never got one.

Blood tests were inconclusive. Oestrogen was on the low side, but not low enough for them to cancel the cycle due to lack of ovulation. They weren't high enough to indicate ovulation was definitely going to occur either. So I'm back tomorrow for a scan to see whats going on, if the follicle has grown then it's a late bloomer if it hasn't it's rolled over and gone back to sleep.

You know this is all my fault. It was suggested to me that vitamin B12 helps to improve quality, which it does! But doofus over here decided to buy vitamin B complex to take while I was waiting for my B12 patches to be delivered...this vitamin B complex contained 143% RDA of vitamin B6, vitamin B6 that is well documented to delay or even stop ovulation all together... here is just one of the HUNDREDS of stories of woman taking B6 to delay ovulation http://www.tcoyf.com/forums/t/156745.aspx

I stopped taking it 5 days ago so lets hope this egg is growing!

CD16 FER#2

Well here we were panicking about ovulating on Tuesday and it turns out I might not be ovulating at all. Sigh.

This isn't getting any easier.

Had the scan and follicles haven't grown at all since Tuesday and my lining is starting to build up but isn't showing the three layers it should be. It's either;

A) a very slow and very long cycle with very late ovulation
B) Annovulatory cycle and I'm simply not going to ovulate.

They've taken bloods and will base the next steps on my oestrogen levels.

Low = cancelled cycle
Mid-Range = keep waiting for ovulation

I'm starting to get pretty pissed off with the world. 5 hours until I can make the call to find out.

CD12 FER #2

My blog title looks like some secret code...

Well back to the clinic again this morning to begin 'OV WATCH 2014'. Because we're doing completely natural cycles we are at complete and utter mercy of my body...sheesh.

Day 12 - 2 dominant follies, one measuring 11mm and one 10mm, so still lots of growing to do yet.

Back in 4 days to see how they're getting on. Once again we're running the risk of natural ovulation occurring on a Tuesday, which means transfer day would be Sunday. Which they don't do. So we're still at risk of a cancelled cycle.

Does the stress ever end?!

I have dominant follicles but a TON of other sizeable ones. At least 5-10 smaller ones on each ovary. If it wasn't for my regular cycle I'd definitely be in the PCO/S camp.

Annoyance

My rant today is how people who have never actually gone through IVF feel like they have any say over the ethics of ot or how it should be improved.

Excuse me, are you going through it? No. Have you been given all the HFEA paper work aimed to fully inform all patients of what is ethically involved in IVF? If you answered no to the first, it'll be no to the second.

So get off your high horse discussing the rights and wrongs of it unless you are living it. You imbecile.

In other news. Now we are...CD7 and 5 days until scan number one. Scary how quickly this is happening. In 10 days time I could potentially be awaiting transfer...

Argh!

CD5 FER número dos

Today is one week since the great BFN saga, and one week until our first scan of FER #2. In 3 weeks we'll have BFN number 2 or BFP number 2.

Sheesh

Jeez Louise....

Today I discovered that since having my gallbladder surgery and starting the bulk of our IVF/FER treatment, I've gained almost 12 pounds!

Urgh. Now my belly is increasing for the wrong reason. Hormone injections and comfort eating do not make for a good summer body!

Cycle Day 1 - FET numero dos

At least AF is as punctual as ever, announcing her arrival shortly after arriving home from my blood tests. I told the nurse I had cheated and knew it was negative, she seemed almost shocked. As if I was the only woman to do so. I need to call at 1.30pm for the result, although at this point it almost seems cruel.

Two things that added to the misery of this morning;

1) Arriving at the reception desk at the clinic and waiting while the lady in front was dealt with. The receptionist seemed to be struggling to locate her details, and since I'm very nosey and the clinic is very quiet, I could hear everything that was being said.

Receptionist: "I really can't find you. What's your date of birth?"
Woman: "26.12.81"
Receptionist: "Nope. What is it you're here for again, bloods?"
Woman: "No. My 12 week scan"
Receptionist: "This is the IVF clinic...."
Woman: "Oh! Right, no I definitely don't need that"
Receptionist: "Well I think you better go next door to the pregnancy clinic"

2) Sitting in the waiting room and realising that sitting next to us is a toddler. I'd say he was around 1-2 years old, sat on his Mums knee in the waiting room of the IF clinic. Fair enough, he could have been an IVF baby and mum is here for number two, or maybe she was watching him for a friend, but please, have the decency to think that taking a baby into an infertility clinic is NOT going to go down very well. Especially when said baby is toddling around the room showing all the couple his "ca" (I think he means car) and grabbing onto the legs of the people waiting for blood tests and egg collection, or even worst, the confirmation of a failed treatment cycle.

Luckily he didn't approach me with his car, as I had genuinely planned to get up and walk to the other waiting room down the corridor.

Sigh.

I planned to go back into work this morning, couldn't face it. Luckily, my manager has also recently experienced a failed IVF cycle and she is very understanding and told me to take what time I needed. Still, Fridays are quiet in the office so tomorrow will be a good day to go back and get into the swing of things. An added bonus is it is then a three day weekend over in England for the bank holiday, so I don't have to suffer a Monday.

8dp5dt

Sigh.

Really struggling with this, and everyone could read how sure I was that it had failed so I was as geared up for the BFN as I could be. I still spent last night sobbing until I couldn't make a sound anymore. My eyes hurt and I was making noises I didn't even know a human could make.

I'm so angry, at everything. I went to sleep feeling better, but woke at 3am and didn't get back to sleep. I was too busy thinking about spending the day at work, explaining to people that our treatment had failed. I tossed and turned until 6.30am and then just cried again. Cried and cried and eventually decided I needed to stay home from work today. Martin decided to pull a sicky and stay home with me so we could be together, that helped. We watches Game of Thrones, went shopping, bought some new bedding and decoration for the bedroom and I browsed around some clothes shops.

Now the evening is here and, although I was coping earlier on in the day, I know have a a pit sitting in the bottom of my stomach that is just sheer panic and despair. Beta is tomorrow, which I'm angry about because I know it's negative yet I need to get up at 6am, drive 30miles and be late for work just to ring them and them tell me. Hopefully, as stupid as it may be, we can jump straight into FET number 2 when AF arrives. We have three good blasts left (not perfect, but good) and I have a feeling they'll thaw all three and choose the best one. If FET #2 fails it will be straight into our second, and final, fresh IVF cycle.

Sheesh, we could be doing IVF in June.

I will be better soon.

7dt5dt

Sorry guys

7dp5dt

Well, this is it. It's 5am in Poland (thank god for free wi-if), Martin is snoring next to me and our flight home is in 5 hours.

I'm wide awake and googling "7dp5dt no symptoms" to see what dr google had to say about things and I can't sleep. I know this is going to be bfn, I just have the gut feeling this isn't it for us. But I can't stop thinking MAYBE I'll be like one of these woman on the internet that after talking about no symptoms for days on end, suddenly pops up on the message board with "MY BETA WAS 3567854!". But I'm not one of those woman, I've never had those sorts of endings.

4am UK time and all I can picture is that FRER that's waiting on the bathroom cupboard for me when I get home in 10 hours and I feel sick. (To the point where at 4am I've already been to the bathroom twice with an upset tummy...totally not symptom related, I have an emotional bowel!) I'm trying to pre-emt myself and practise seeing a negative, and remember that I have numerous things to do to get ready for going back to work tomorrow. I've already scheduled in 3-6pm for crying and general moping, and then I can iron and shower, drink wine, watch game of thrones and go to bed. But, that stupid little
Niggly voice in the back of my head is whispering "...imagine if the second line came up! You can be one of those woman!"

SHUT UP NIGGLY VOICE, you are not doing us any favours!

P.s Can I just take a moment to vent frustration at woman who say "I had absolutely no symptoms what so ever! I mean, I did have some tugging in my uterus area, my boobs increased two cup sizes, my nipples took over my chest, I gagged at the sight of cheese, peed every 20 minutes and slept for days on end...but apart from that nothing! Good luck with beta!" SERIOUSLY WOMEN?!

6dp5dt

Still feeling overwhelmingly negative. Anybody who has ever said "oh...I'll just enjoy being PUPO until beta day" is a HUGE FAT LIAR. Don't get me wrong, I understand how extremely lucky we are to even be going through FET (ha. Can anyone ever be lucky to go through FET?!) but nobody can enjoy THIS!?

Feeling tired and exhausted. I'm not attributing that to anything biological as we spent 3-4 hours solid walking around the city yesterday, and passed out after dinner (and my one illegal TWW beer!) at 7.30pm. Slept right through til 7.30am! Had nothing 4-5 mile walk today to visit schindlers factory and the old Jewish ghetto on Krakow, came back to the hotel at 3pm after 5 hours on foot and slept for another 90mins. Not like me at all, but neither is walking for this amount of time.

I keep getting lower back/hip-ache after walking for a while. I don't remember ever having it before, but again, I don't tend to walk 10km a day.

Boobs are a little tender, but I am 11dpo so it could be AF gearing up to arrive. No noticeable cramps. We walked past a pharmacy earlier and Martin asked if I wanted to buy a test (as it's my birthday and I wanted to celebrate with a glass of red if I was able to) but I said no. Part of me knows it's too earlier, part of me, despite expecting a BFN tomorrow, still doesn't need to see it just yet.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me....happy birthday to me.

P.s Ladies, how many attempts to you give a friend before officially dumping them? My best friend who I met at University and lived with, the one having the affair that I was expected to keep from Martin, is seriously causing me nothing but anger. She texts when she feels like it, or wants to tell me she has a new car/dress/shoes/something expensive or that she's getting a raise etc.... Will ask about baby-related treatment very occasionally, but never actually seems to care how it's going. Just a general "oh good news!" Or "I'll keep me fingers crossed" and that's it. E.g. Many people text me the night before transfer just saying "good luck for tomorrow". She texts me that afternoon saying "are you at the hospital today?" And I haven't heard anything since. She is the sort of person who blames her phone when she doesn't text back, claiming her signal was bad, she did but she doesn't understand why it didn't send etc... Despite the fact she has an iPhone and doesn't live in the 18th century. Today, it 4pm and she has yet to wish me a happy birthday.

Martin is best friends with her boyfriend (the one she was cheating on) and I don't want to cause trouble between them but....really?! I don't have many close friends, I don't feel the need to. I have my best friend from school who I know is there whenever I need her, and I did have this person, but having written all of this down on paper (blog...) I can see how referring to her as a best friend is seeming increasingly stupid.

I wonder if she'll remember to ask what our result was later this week? This is after everything I did for her back at Christmas when she was busy cheating. What would you do, my wise ladies?