....and AF arrives.
Fuck this.
I KNEW I shouldn't start doing OPKs again. We had tons of sex around ov, I mean tons. All bases covered. Of course I was stupid enough to convince myself I was in with a chance. Fuck this.
I shouldn't have to do this.
Back into my hole. Ignoring the world and everything in it.
Thursday 29 August 2013
Friday 23 August 2013
Morning
I'm still alive and kicking, just having a very quiet couple of weeks.
I'm sure people can understand why i'm still so very down at the moment, and thanks to all of you who have sent me messages just to say hello.
Spending some much needed time with my greatest achievement (Martin, not my 1 mile swimming badge) and planning the next few months.
I'm still reading all of your blogs, keep em coming!
I'm sure people can understand why i'm still so very down at the moment, and thanks to all of you who have sent me messages just to say hello.
Spending some much needed time with my greatest achievement (Martin, not my 1 mile swimming badge) and planning the next few months.
I'm still reading all of your blogs, keep em coming!
Monday 19 August 2013
Food poisoning
Is not fun.
Poor Martin having a way worse time with it than me.
On the plus we got to spend the day in bed watching Game of Thrones.
Poor Martin having a way worse time with it than me.
On the plus we got to spend the day in bed watching Game of Thrones.
Wednesday 14 August 2013
A break anytime soon would be nice, please?
Decided to give the hospital a call this morning to chase up my surgery date, it can't hurt can it?
Remember I was told last week that it would be 8-10 weeks for surgery, which would take me to around November, which sucks as our lives are on hold until then, but it wasnt too bad as we had the holiday and anniversary to look forward to in the mean time.
Well, I was just informed this morning that "It will be a while yet, closer to 18 weeks" as since last week I was down-graded to 'Non-emergency'.
Non-Emergency?! I was admitted and spent 3 days on a shitty hospital ward hooked up to a drip under going test after test and have a severely diseased organ in me which doesn't work, and have been told an attack WILL happen again, but they don't know when, and I'm fine to leave for 18 weeks? What do I need to do, to have it done sooner?
18 weeks
Shoot me. Shoot me now.
18 Weeks takes us up to the end of December. Can you imagine having surgery around Christmas, not to mention we were planning on starting IVF in the New Year.
That isn't going to happen
Edit: A good friend of mine suggested I call the IVF Clinic to discuss it with them, which was very sensible advice. (Thank you)
So I called Assisted Conception Unit to ask them what the hell to do. We were originally assured we would have surgery in the next 3-4 weeks, so a follow up appointment was made for September 5th with our FS. This was then pushed back, by the clinic, to October 7th due to a double booking. Normally this would have pushed me over the edge, but given the wait for surgery had gone up to 8-10 weeks that morning it wasn't too bad.
I called to inform that I had now just been told it would be closer to 18 weeks as they've now deemed me a 'non emergency' and how to move forward.
It never occurred to me about funding for treatment before all of this.
The receptionist explained that when you get the go ahead for funding, it is only valid for 18 weeks. As we won't be having treatment in this time we would need to meet with the finance manager of the clinic, and the doctor, to discuss our "future at the clinic, and any possible treatments" She said she thinks we can just re-apply for funding, but with the recent changes she can't give any definite answers either way.
They're both on holiday until 27th August, so I can't speak to them for 2 weeks to make an appointment.
So now we have the long wait for a cholesestectomy, and and even longer wait to find out if we can even re-apply for funding for IVF.
Before ANYONE says that we'll be fine, I agree, the chances are we will be fine and it will be simple paper work and reapplying for funding. The sensible side of me knows this and agrees.
But the woman whose spent 3+ years in hell, lost a baby, lost almost 2 years of her life to a 'mystery illness' that was mis-diagnosed for 24 months, was so excited to begin IVF and a new chapter then have it taken away, to now be told there is a minute chance we will now have funding for IVF taken away from us, with my future as a Mum is absolute jeopardy all at the age of 25, when I should be in the prime of my life.
This lady is asking you to put yourself in her position, with even the smallest of chances that they could say no, even the smallest, and then wait x-number of weeks for an answer, and see how you would feel.
Remember I was told last week that it would be 8-10 weeks for surgery, which would take me to around November, which sucks as our lives are on hold until then, but it wasnt too bad as we had the holiday and anniversary to look forward to in the mean time.
Well, I was just informed this morning that "It will be a while yet, closer to 18 weeks" as since last week I was down-graded to 'Non-emergency'.
Non-Emergency?! I was admitted and spent 3 days on a shitty hospital ward hooked up to a drip under going test after test and have a severely diseased organ in me which doesn't work, and have been told an attack WILL happen again, but they don't know when, and I'm fine to leave for 18 weeks? What do I need to do, to have it done sooner?
18 weeks
Shoot me. Shoot me now.
18 Weeks takes us up to the end of December. Can you imagine having surgery around Christmas, not to mention we were planning on starting IVF in the New Year.
That isn't going to happen
Edit: A good friend of mine suggested I call the IVF Clinic to discuss it with them, which was very sensible advice. (Thank you)
So I called Assisted Conception Unit to ask them what the hell to do. We were originally assured we would have surgery in the next 3-4 weeks, so a follow up appointment was made for September 5th with our FS. This was then pushed back, by the clinic, to October 7th due to a double booking. Normally this would have pushed me over the edge, but given the wait for surgery had gone up to 8-10 weeks that morning it wasn't too bad.
I called to inform that I had now just been told it would be closer to 18 weeks as they've now deemed me a 'non emergency' and how to move forward.
It never occurred to me about funding for treatment before all of this.
The receptionist explained that when you get the go ahead for funding, it is only valid for 18 weeks. As we won't be having treatment in this time we would need to meet with the finance manager of the clinic, and the doctor, to discuss our "future at the clinic, and any possible treatments" She said she thinks we can just re-apply for funding, but with the recent changes she can't give any definite answers either way.
They're both on holiday until 27th August, so I can't speak to them for 2 weeks to make an appointment.
So now we have the long wait for a cholesestectomy, and and even longer wait to find out if we can even re-apply for funding for IVF.
Before ANYONE says that we'll be fine, I agree, the chances are we will be fine and it will be simple paper work and reapplying for funding. The sensible side of me knows this and agrees.
But the woman whose spent 3+ years in hell, lost a baby, lost almost 2 years of her life to a 'mystery illness' that was mis-diagnosed for 24 months, was so excited to begin IVF and a new chapter then have it taken away, to now be told there is a minute chance we will now have funding for IVF taken away from us, with my future as a Mum is absolute jeopardy all at the age of 25, when I should be in the prime of my life.
This lady is asking you to put yourself in her position, with even the smallest of chances that they could say no, even the smallest, and then wait x-number of weeks for an answer, and see how you would feel.
Sunday 11 August 2013
Expelleth thy spawn! ©
Some of you may, or may not, remember a "friend" of mine, one who I used to be really close to and discuss IF with openly and regularly, getting pregnant. I never ever held this against her, and her pregnancy is not the reason why I refuse to give her the time of day - The 12 week scan picture on my news feed, completely and utterly out of the blue, followed by her message, after me congratulating her, stating "oh, sorry I didn't tell you, I knew there was something I was meant to do. Pregnancy brain. Lol!"...is the reason I won't make time for her anymore. Harsh, maybe. But there are too many bullshit 'friends' around and not enough time or space in my life for them. I have a very tough one strike and your out policy.
Martin and I, understandably, have had a few baby names picked out for the past 40+ months. Many of them change, but we've had 2 boys names that we have loved since day one, since before we even started TTC. So imagine my utter joy when I am informed this morning that aforementioned "friend" has given birth, on our supposed IVF test date, and has given him one of the names we loved so dearly. She was one of the only people who knew of 'our names'.
Yes, I know that there are millions of babies and people in the world with this name, but that isn't the point.
If anyone crosses me over the next few days, they will be feeling my wrath.
Martin and I, understandably, have had a few baby names picked out for the past 40+ months. Many of them change, but we've had 2 boys names that we have loved since day one, since before we even started TTC. So imagine my utter joy when I am informed this morning that aforementioned "friend" has given birth, on our supposed IVF test date, and has given him one of the names we loved so dearly. She was one of the only people who knew of 'our names'.
Yes, I know that there are millions of babies and people in the world with this name, but that isn't the point.
If anyone crosses me over the next few days, they will be feeling my wrath.
Friday 9 August 2013
Today should have been so different
Had the past few weeks gone to plan, it would be official testing day after for IVF today. It would either be the best day of my life, or one I want to forget.
Instead I spent the evening at a food and drink festival with friends eating goat curry, ostrich burgers, Chinese, pizza and fudge and drinking copious amounts of cider.
How different today could be. Now this day is on hold for the next 6 months.
Instead I spent the evening at a food and drink festival with friends eating goat curry, ostrich burgers, Chinese, pizza and fudge and drinking copious amounts of cider.
How different today could be. Now this day is on hold for the next 6 months.
Wednesday 7 August 2013
Reasons to not have kids.
Its no secret I'm having a tough time at the minute. I am. I am in a constant grey cloud and cant seem to shake myself out of it. I don't like feeling like this, believe me, If i could slap a smile on my face and my mood would follow it would be simple. I think it's the realisation that we've lost another whole year to infertility, and will be spending another Christmas as a lonesome twosome...
Having said that, 2013 is an extremely odd year. It was never meant to be. IVF was also in July, which is a number 7. All arrows point to odd.
So, in trying to put a smile on my face, a forced one maybe, I am creating a list as to why it would be good for us not to have kids, if I read it enough times, maybe I'll start to believe it?? (NB. To my pregnant friends, if this list makes you feel like you must sign your unborn child over to be immediately, email me for my details...)
Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to remain as just Mr and Mrs Briggs
1. They cost a lot of money. I like having money, I like going for meals and buying that dress I've had my eye on without having to spend my hard earned wages on nappies and other baby related items..
2. I love my husband, what about it I love him too much to share?
3. My cats would get very jealous of a baby. If we ever have one I will have to live in constant fear that they will lay on it and smother it, or that Colin will claw them to death in a vain attempt to get to the warmest part of the cot.
4. I like my tidy house. It smells of nice things like vanilla and Chantilly cream, and not baby poo and sudocream.
5. I like travelling. I like going to different countries and seeing the sights and I like laying on a hot exotic beach with an alcoholic beverage and not having a care in the world.
6. My boobs are great. They are one of the favourite parts of my body, they're pert, smooth and a nice rounded 34DD. If I have a baby they will hang off these boobs and they may change shape forever?
7. I love sleep.
8. If we don't have babies we will be that couple that friends come to visit every once in a blue moon with the immaculate house, with walls adorned with photos of our latest holiday to Thailand, Goa or the Maldives and I will sip on my expensive white wine out of my crystal wine glass, gently stroke a crease out of my perfect, white, crisp blouse and wrap a strand of professionally cut and dyed hair around my ear.
9. I generally don't like other peoples children. I know right, no wonder I am infertile, I deserve it, how dare I! There are three children in this world who I adore, non of which I am related to, but all of the others I have encountered annoy me. They are bratty and scream and cry when they trip over objects with their clumsy feet. They are usually covered in snot and have food in their hair, and require feeding at regular intervals and make noise all the time.
10. I cant stand picky eaters, just what is the point? The world, and everything in it is here for you to experience, but you refuse to eat anything but plain chips, the occasional mushy pea and chicken nuggets. Bore off. Children are the ultimate in picky-eaters. I like my mexican, thai, spanish, indian, african cuisine...I will put anything in my mouth at least once. Do I want to trade that in for cutting up fish fingers and making 18 million different meals every dinner time?
11. If I have children, I will have to socialise with other mums. As I rule I dislike more people, but shove a pompous know it all mother in there (You know the one who is ALWAYS hanging around the plaground in her organic clothes, waiting to collect Tarquin from his violin lesson) and I might explode.
12. My vagina, as far as I am aware, is quite nice. I have good strong muscles down there, I am often complemented on this when I am meeting with dildo cam (serious). If I squeeze something out of there all of the nice-ness might go away.
13. Alcohol.
Reasons for Mr and Mrs Briggs to have children
1. I would be a great Mum.
2. Martin would be a great Dad.
3. A child is missing out by not having us as parents.
4. I dont actually believe the aforementioned 12 points...
Monday 5 August 2013
Surrounded by people, but more alone than ever.
Ok, so I'm having a bad day. In fact to be brutally honest I'm having a bad year, 2013 is shit. Nothing good has come of this year for us, it's been stress, hospital fuck ups, health problem after health problem, death of loved ones and everything in the past few weeks has just been the nail in the coffin. Whilst sitting in the car after more bad news from the hospital this morning, I drove around for 20 minutes extra just to think and try to change my mood. You know what I realised in those 20minutes? It's not just the situation itself that is upsetting me, it's my friends.
This morning I had my pre-surgery assessment at the hospital, where I was told that new protocol meant I couldn't fly for 6 weeks after surgery. We are due to fly to Tunisia in 9 weeks, therefore I was informed I couldn't have surgery until November at the earliest. The IVF clinic want me to have 4-6 weeks of recovery time before starting a new cycle. Goodbye to any treatment in 2013. That's another year older, another wedding anniversary, another Christmas in the same old fucking situation of not know whether we'll ever be parents or not. But despite hearing that news, what finally dawned on me is that although I have all of my friends around me, there was only one who I felt comfortable texting and only one I knew would actually talk to me and let me rant and rave and listen. Non of the others I can text, because I worry that I will make them feel uncomfortable.
This post isn't aimed at anyone, at all. It isn't intended to be a dig at anyone who reads it, real life friends or online support, it's just me trying to explain things.
Our infertility has always made people around us feel awkward, people around us ignored it and hoped it would go away. Would brush it under the carpet and keep us at arms length, then we wouldn't discuss things that made them feel uncomfortable.
When IVF started things got worse, our treatment now made people uncomfortable, they didn't know what it was so didn't want to talk about it, or didn't want to know what was going on because again, it might make them feel uncomfortable.
We had to abandon our IVF cycle. After momths of waiting and waiting we finally saw an end. we started even thinkinh about names, working out dates, looking at baby clothes and then BAM...sorry wait another 6 months. Yes, on the outside this isn't the end of the world, this isn't the be all and end all, we can go back to it next year, but we have waited for 3+ years to become parents, we have never been given an explanation as to why we arent parents, we just get told how amazigly fertile we are and how funny it is that we cant conceive. We have lost a baby and 2 years later still have nothing. We have no fucking diagnosis as to why we are putting ourselves through hell month after month. We deserve this, im not saying other people dont deserve all kinds of medical assisstance with any problem whether its infertility, mental health, cosmetic problems or a variety of other medical conditions, but it isnt our fault that this is the path we ate anle to go down. So why are we made to feel bad about treatment? Most shocking thing to come out of this is now that our IVF has been cancelled people are texting again, people are ringing again, people are sending Facebook messages again...all because now our lives don't make them feel awkward.
I am so angry, so depressed, so upset at our journey and how it's turned out, but I'm not allowed to talk about that?! People spent so long avoiding me while doing IVF, but they think its OK to 'go back to normal' once it's been abandoned. Is that what they would have done had the treatment failed? Pretended it never happened and expected me to go back to being me and being the same old Steph, but offer NO support?
Yes, I am the first to admit that I'm not always the best person to respond to texts or messages. It's not malicious, I genuinely forget or am so busy at work I don't have time straight away. But I ALWAYS try to offer as much support as I possibly can, no matter how difficult. This isn't just pregnancy support, this is support for LIFE! I send texts and messages at 3-4am in the morning when relationship problems are happening, I spend my lunch break at work writing emails and messages to friends who are going through family issues or finance problems. I send congratulations and ask questions and talk openly with pregnant friends, weather these are LTTTC friends or real life friends, even though it rips me apart completely.
I pretend my infertility doesn't exist when friends invite me round for "food and alcohol" because they need cheering up, despite the fact I can't drink alcohol or eat take always because of upcoming treatments. I'm still there. But we are going through the hardest thing we have ever done and we get very little in return.
I have received multiple messages since coming out of hospital that resemble this;
"Sorry you've been ill. How are you?"
"I'm ok, getting there. Need surgery to remove gallbladder but hopefully no more problems after this. We have had to cancel IVF though, no more treatment until 2014 :("
"Oh, that's a shame. So me and _______ have split up. When are you free for drinks" / "I'm sorry, that sucks! I'm going shopping Saturday, want to come?" Or even "well it wasnt meant to be this time round. At least now you can drink on holiday!"
So disappointed with the amount of people who left me with no-one when going through IVF, no-one but Martin to cry to, made me feel bad for feeling bad, but revert back to wanting my support as soon as I'm 'back' to normal.
I'm sorry, but this morning has made me realise that this journey is not going to ever be easy with these people in it. If you expect support from me, I need it in return. It's as simple as that.
Until I calm down and do feel better by spending time with my constant source of support, Martin, I will be on radio silence from the Internet.
This morning I had my pre-surgery assessment at the hospital, where I was told that new protocol meant I couldn't fly for 6 weeks after surgery. We are due to fly to Tunisia in 9 weeks, therefore I was informed I couldn't have surgery until November at the earliest. The IVF clinic want me to have 4-6 weeks of recovery time before starting a new cycle. Goodbye to any treatment in 2013. That's another year older, another wedding anniversary, another Christmas in the same old fucking situation of not know whether we'll ever be parents or not. But despite hearing that news, what finally dawned on me is that although I have all of my friends around me, there was only one who I felt comfortable texting and only one I knew would actually talk to me and let me rant and rave and listen. Non of the others I can text, because I worry that I will make them feel uncomfortable.
This post isn't aimed at anyone, at all. It isn't intended to be a dig at anyone who reads it, real life friends or online support, it's just me trying to explain things.
Our infertility has always made people around us feel awkward, people around us ignored it and hoped it would go away. Would brush it under the carpet and keep us at arms length, then we wouldn't discuss things that made them feel uncomfortable.
When IVF started things got worse, our treatment now made people uncomfortable, they didn't know what it was so didn't want to talk about it, or didn't want to know what was going on because again, it might make them feel uncomfortable.
We had to abandon our IVF cycle. After momths of waiting and waiting we finally saw an end. we started even thinkinh about names, working out dates, looking at baby clothes and then BAM...sorry wait another 6 months. Yes, on the outside this isn't the end of the world, this isn't the be all and end all, we can go back to it next year, but we have waited for 3+ years to become parents, we have never been given an explanation as to why we arent parents, we just get told how amazigly fertile we are and how funny it is that we cant conceive. We have lost a baby and 2 years later still have nothing. We have no fucking diagnosis as to why we are putting ourselves through hell month after month. We deserve this, im not saying other people dont deserve all kinds of medical assisstance with any problem whether its infertility, mental health, cosmetic problems or a variety of other medical conditions, but it isnt our fault that this is the path we ate anle to go down. So why are we made to feel bad about treatment? Most shocking thing to come out of this is now that our IVF has been cancelled people are texting again, people are ringing again, people are sending Facebook messages again...all because now our lives don't make them feel awkward.
I am so angry, so depressed, so upset at our journey and how it's turned out, but I'm not allowed to talk about that?! People spent so long avoiding me while doing IVF, but they think its OK to 'go back to normal' once it's been abandoned. Is that what they would have done had the treatment failed? Pretended it never happened and expected me to go back to being me and being the same old Steph, but offer NO support?
Yes, I am the first to admit that I'm not always the best person to respond to texts or messages. It's not malicious, I genuinely forget or am so busy at work I don't have time straight away. But I ALWAYS try to offer as much support as I possibly can, no matter how difficult. This isn't just pregnancy support, this is support for LIFE! I send texts and messages at 3-4am in the morning when relationship problems are happening, I spend my lunch break at work writing emails and messages to friends who are going through family issues or finance problems. I send congratulations and ask questions and talk openly with pregnant friends, weather these are LTTTC friends or real life friends, even though it rips me apart completely.
I pretend my infertility doesn't exist when friends invite me round for "food and alcohol" because they need cheering up, despite the fact I can't drink alcohol or eat take always because of upcoming treatments. I'm still there. But we are going through the hardest thing we have ever done and we get very little in return.
I have received multiple messages since coming out of hospital that resemble this;
"Sorry you've been ill. How are you?"
"I'm ok, getting there. Need surgery to remove gallbladder but hopefully no more problems after this. We have had to cancel IVF though, no more treatment until 2014 :("
"Oh, that's a shame. So me and _______ have split up. When are you free for drinks" / "I'm sorry, that sucks! I'm going shopping Saturday, want to come?" Or even "well it wasnt meant to be this time round. At least now you can drink on holiday!"
So disappointed with the amount of people who left me with no-one when going through IVF, no-one but Martin to cry to, made me feel bad for feeling bad, but revert back to wanting my support as soon as I'm 'back' to normal.
I'm sorry, but this morning has made me realise that this journey is not going to ever be easy with these people in it. If you expect support from me, I need it in return. It's as simple as that.
Until I calm down and do feel better by spending time with my constant source of support, Martin, I will be on radio silence from the Internet.
Sunday 4 August 2013
Insert witty title here...
I just wanted to share this photo, and couldn't think of a suitable title...
To all my friends, wherever we are in our journey. Pregnant, trying, giving up hope or other, this made me smile, and is so very true.
To all my friends, wherever we are in our journey. Pregnant, trying, giving up hope or other, this made me smile, and is so very true.
If you have Instagram, you really should follow infertility_sucks.
Thursday 1 August 2013
Snails?
My friend has two giant African land snails for her primary school class, and obviously with it being the summer holidays she has them at home so she can look after them.
Today, the albino African land snail, Ethel, laid eggs. Hundreds of them! I dont know why she was shocked, keeping two snails together in an enclosed space....
Anyway, obviously she doesn't have the space of time to care for that many eggs, and they can't just be thrown away as they are an invasive species. One of the options to 'kill' the eggs is to freeze them, which she did.
I now feel like fertility wise, I will have more in common with poor Ethel the snail than I ever will with my friend.
Today, the albino African land snail, Ethel, laid eggs. Hundreds of them! I dont know why she was shocked, keeping two snails together in an enclosed space....
Anyway, obviously she doesn't have the space of time to care for that many eggs, and they can't just be thrown away as they are an invasive species. One of the options to 'kill' the eggs is to freeze them, which she did.
I now feel like fertility wise, I will have more in common with poor Ethel the snail than I ever will with my friend.
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