I'm really upset/annoyed/pissed/exasperated with everything right now. Which will probably come through quite well in this post! (Apologies in advance!)
Remember the best friend who was ttc-but-actually-having-an-affair? Well I have pretty much bent over backwards to make sure she's had someone to talk to over the past 5 weeks or so. I don't agree with what she's doing, but I didn't want her to be in the position where she had no-one to talk to, so I offered advice, stayed up until 2-3am talking to her, got up at 6am with her to chat, have been 'lying' to Martin about it all (as far as she knows) and have generally, in my opinion, been a pretty good friend.
Well 2 weeks ago, best friend stayed over at mine one Saturday night as we shared a drink or too, and then disappeared VERY quickly around8am on Sunday morning. Very peculiar and not the norm. I received a very upset phone call a few hours later explaining that the guy she was having an affair with had called it all off. Obviously, being a good friend, I asked Martin to leave the house (which he did) so I could invite her round. We spent the afternoon calling him names and talking about what a lucky escape she had and everything in between. That night she text me to say she actually felt a huge sense of relief as she wasn't lying about anything anymore and things could go back to 'normal' (I am of the belief that once you've had an affair there is no such thing as going back to normal..however I digress)
A few days later I receive texts at 2am saying "I miss him (crying face)" and sit up texting her and telling her, in a firm but friendly way, that she needs to sit down and seriously think about her life. Shes living with her long term boyfriend but is heart broken over a guy who she was seeing behind his back...in my opinion, this was a big sign that the long term relationship had run its course. At the time I thought the advice had been taken on board...
Fast forward to the last week and I've been increasingly stressed and down about impending IVF, i'm not sleeping well, taking sleeping tablets, being down in the dumps and generally not a happy bunny (I'm ecstatic to be going through IVF, obviously, but distraught with worry!). Aforementioned friend has text me a few times (maybe one or two) to ask how I am. The first one I responded with "A bit stressed and down about IVF, panicking and not sleeping much. A good nights sleep and i'll feel better" the response? "That sucks. What are you doing next weekend?" (?!?) I continued with "I'm not sure, depending on mother nature I might be at the clinic beginning treatment. Why?" her next response? "Oh no reason. Let me know when you know..."
Now so far I have been a bit forgiving because people often are awkward and worried about discussing IF and IVF when they don't know much about it. I didn't hear from her for the past 3 days. Last night at 10pm I received a text saying "I hope you're feeling better" I replied with an honest "I will do in a weeks time when it's all begin. I'm just exhausted from making myself panic so much I'm not sleeping! Stupid brain!" and her reply was "I need man advice..."
Im so upset. Apart from Martin I feel so alone. I'm pretty much asking for some form of support and this is what I'm getting back?! On one hand, I want to call her out on her crap and tell her how selfish she's being and how upsetting this is to me. On the other hand I know her well enough to know that she doesn't ever resolve arguments, seriously. I've known her loose childhood friends because she would rather cut them out of her life when they have an argument than try and resolve it. I mean, this happens regularly. I know if I point out this behaviour to her, she will gladly not contact me for the next 5 years than apologies.
Part of me thinks shes also going through something massive, shes facing the end of a 9 year relationship and her whole world turning upside down, that maybe to her this is as big as IVF, and that I shouldn't expect her to be there for me. After all, what do I want her to say? I know full well that as a fertile, she would only annoy me with her "I know it's going to work!" and "I have a good feeling" that its almost best shje just stay quiet.
I don't know. I just don't.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
Tuesday, 21 January 2014
Yawn
I've developed some form of weird insomnia over the past few weeks. I'm so tired, but worried about lack of sleep that as soon as I get into bed I begin to stress about falling to sleep, which in turn leads to not falling asleep! Vicious cycle.
I purchased some non prescription but medicated sleeping tablets from the pharmacists. Sheesh. Falling asleep now isnt too bad, but getting yourself up the morning after?! Painful.
6 days and counting...
I purchased some non prescription but medicated sleeping tablets from the pharmacists. Sheesh. Falling asleep now isnt too bad, but getting yourself up the morning after?! Painful.
6 days and counting...
Friday, 17 January 2014
The great period countdown...
Oh my. How have 7 days passed since my nurse consultation?!?! That means we're seven days closer to AF being here and seven days closer to IVF starting....
That means we are 5 weeks away from being pregnant or our first (ish) failed IVF.
Goodness me
That means we are 5 weeks away from being pregnant or our first (ish) failed IVF.
Goodness me
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Nurse consultation
I survived, despite thinking my heart was going to beat out of my chest at any minute. What is wrong with me?!?!
Anyway, we signed the paperwork and a few things have changed at the clinic. 1) they don't use sleeping tablets the night before egg retrieval anymore and 2) you ate automatically IVF/ICSI depending on what's needed on the day. Previously you were IVF and if things didn't go to plan, they wouldn't necessarily automatically transfer to ICSI straight away, now they do.
Our nurse was another lovely lady, heavily pregnant and failing to hide it under huge scrubs, but she was really nice and down to earth. I was brave and asked her to be brutally honest about my chances with clamping and my cervix. She agreed I have an awkward cervix, but also said she had seen much much worse get positive pregnancy results, although my cervix is septate and bendy, with the clamp (which might not need to be used on the day, depending on how my body is acting) it actually only took the doctor 4 minutes to get the catheter through and they were then able to reach the perfect 'embryo deposit' spot. She said they would only worry if it took an excessive amount of time and manipulation and they couldn't reach where they wanted to.They also noted very little bleeding, and I actually only remember spotting extremely lightly for about half an hour afterwards. She told me I need to stop researching and reading and just relax and let the doctors do what they do best, which is make babies :) I do feel better now.
We had our bloods taken for another screen and now we just have to wait! 2 weeks and AF should be here and we start all over again!
Anyway, we signed the paperwork and a few things have changed at the clinic. 1) they don't use sleeping tablets the night before egg retrieval anymore and 2) you ate automatically IVF/ICSI depending on what's needed on the day. Previously you were IVF and if things didn't go to plan, they wouldn't necessarily automatically transfer to ICSI straight away, now they do.
Our nurse was another lovely lady, heavily pregnant and failing to hide it under huge scrubs, but she was really nice and down to earth. I was brave and asked her to be brutally honest about my chances with clamping and my cervix. She agreed I have an awkward cervix, but also said she had seen much much worse get positive pregnancy results, although my cervix is septate and bendy, with the clamp (which might not need to be used on the day, depending on how my body is acting) it actually only took the doctor 4 minutes to get the catheter through and they were then able to reach the perfect 'embryo deposit' spot. She said they would only worry if it took an excessive amount of time and manipulation and they couldn't reach where they wanted to.They also noted very little bleeding, and I actually only remember spotting extremely lightly for about half an hour afterwards. She told me I need to stop researching and reading and just relax and let the doctors do what they do best, which is make babies :) I do feel better now.
We had our bloods taken for another screen and now we just have to wait! 2 weeks and AF should be here and we start all over again!
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Bah.
Nervous. I'm actually nervous to have our nurse consultation in the morning...she's not going to tell me anything new, I already know what's going to happen and have already done my first week of stims. Why the hell do I have the tingly tummy nerves?! I think I'm just terrified to hop back on this train!
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Internet, come back...I spoke too soon!
This did force a smile onto my face. That's and these two clowns who are keeping me company while in bed bound with winter germs!
Monday, 6 January 2014
Internet...you suck.
I sometimes think I'm sort of 'coming to terms' with the way my life might end up going. This past week has been particularly difficult, I know I know, I sound like a complete broken record, but I've gone from being very positive about IVF to being extremely negative.
My cervix which resembles some sort of maize maze that jumps around and needs to be held down by huge devil-esque metal clamps has convinced me that my body simply isn't designed to have babies. I'm also now becoming to realise that it's quite possibly my fault for our IF. Yes I know that the FS has said that my cervix shouldn't cause that much of a problem., but so far it's the ONLY problem that's been identified. I wasn't made to be a Mum, biologically a block was put in the way so I must be destined to do other things. Does that make sense? I don't think anyone is ever OK with being childless, but some days it seemed a little easier to think about and deal with. Then the internet throws things like this at me and I get that gnawing sick feeling in the pit if my stomach and feel my chest tightening. Fucking internet.
I suppose the start of our second IVF journey is Friday, as that is out first nurses appointment. I'm going to go in and ask all questions possible about our chances with my cervix and our history etc...in the past I've avoiding asking these sorts of questions because I didn't want to know the answer. That sounds extremely stupid now!
In other news; I'm poorly. I don't know what's wrong, I suspect some sort of upper respiratory infection mixed with migraines thrown in, I wake up in the morning unable to breath and I seem to be coughing up every colour of the rainbow. I've now had two days off work stuck in bed. NOT great when you're about to begin IVF and have literally just informed your boss you'll be requiring some time off the day you're struck down with the horrid winter bugs.
My second observation is that I've decided nothing tests a marriage as much as sharing a bed. Seriously, I don't think people realise how much of a big deal and compromise it is sharing your bed with someone. When Martin and I first started our relationship I LOVED sharing a bed, he was always warm and he would play big spoon and put his arm around my tight while I snuggled into him. Sickeningly, we once feel asleep literally touching noses. Yes, touching noses! Bleugh, all forms of romance that present themselves in this way usually make me sick to my stomach, which is bizarre because Martin and I are quite a touchy-feeling type couple. Anyway...after 4.5 years of sharing a bed, most night times are spent pushing his ridiculously warm body away from me and trying not to smother him while he does this weird heavy breathing thing he does when asleep. For Martin he has to cope with my, admittedly, ridiculous obsessions about the neatness of my bed (even while I'm in it) and , god love him, he will happily make sure the duvet is exactly the right height, it is folded over correctly in a way to minimise wrinkles, and that there are no sides of the duvet that aren't correctly over the sides of the bed. There is absolutely no folding over or throwing off allowed in my bed! I genuinely wonder how much sleep married couples loose due to sharing a bed, compared to couples/singles who have their own bed???
Lastly, I can't remember if I have informed my blog of this news. Some of you will remember my friend who decided she was going to come off of contraceptive and TTC because she was worried "something was wrong with her", rather than actually wanting a child? Well a few weeks before Christmas I got a text saying she needed to talk to me and I was going to be mad at her etc etc...so I obviously decided she was pregnant and sat, shaking, waiting for her next texts to come through. WELL turns out I couldn't be more wrong. Turns out she's having an affair with someone she works with. Right? But things are a little more awkward than this, as her currently BF (I say bf, they've been together 9 years and own a house) is Martins best friend. She obviously immediately said "don't tell Martin", being a wife, I obviously ignored that advice and HAD to tell him. I don't lie to him.
That's was now...6-7 weeks ago. She's still having this affair, is openly in a relationship with another man at work (all her work friends and close friends know about it) but her BF doesn't. She's met her 'other mans' family and all while her BF is sat at home thinking everything is right with the world. I'm getting rather upset and annoyed by the whole thing, as far as she knows I've been lying to Martin for 6-7 weeks and she keeps telling me details I simply don't want to know. Sigh. Let's see how this turns out...
My cervix which resembles some sort of maize maze that jumps around and needs to be held down by huge devil-esque metal clamps has convinced me that my body simply isn't designed to have babies. I'm also now becoming to realise that it's quite possibly my fault for our IF. Yes I know that the FS has said that my cervix shouldn't cause that much of a problem., but so far it's the ONLY problem that's been identified. I wasn't made to be a Mum, biologically a block was put in the way so I must be destined to do other things. Does that make sense? I don't think anyone is ever OK with being childless, but some days it seemed a little easier to think about and deal with. Then the internet throws things like this at me and I get that gnawing sick feeling in the pit if my stomach and feel my chest tightening. Fucking internet.
In other news; I'm poorly. I don't know what's wrong, I suspect some sort of upper respiratory infection mixed with migraines thrown in, I wake up in the morning unable to breath and I seem to be coughing up every colour of the rainbow. I've now had two days off work stuck in bed. NOT great when you're about to begin IVF and have literally just informed your boss you'll be requiring some time off the day you're struck down with the horrid winter bugs.
My second observation is that I've decided nothing tests a marriage as much as sharing a bed. Seriously, I don't think people realise how much of a big deal and compromise it is sharing your bed with someone. When Martin and I first started our relationship I LOVED sharing a bed, he was always warm and he would play big spoon and put his arm around my tight while I snuggled into him. Sickeningly, we once feel asleep literally touching noses. Yes, touching noses! Bleugh, all forms of romance that present themselves in this way usually make me sick to my stomach, which is bizarre because Martin and I are quite a touchy-feeling type couple. Anyway...after 4.5 years of sharing a bed, most night times are spent pushing his ridiculously warm body away from me and trying not to smother him while he does this weird heavy breathing thing he does when asleep. For Martin he has to cope with my, admittedly, ridiculous obsessions about the neatness of my bed (even while I'm in it) and , god love him, he will happily make sure the duvet is exactly the right height, it is folded over correctly in a way to minimise wrinkles, and that there are no sides of the duvet that aren't correctly over the sides of the bed. There is absolutely no folding over or throwing off allowed in my bed! I genuinely wonder how much sleep married couples loose due to sharing a bed, compared to couples/singles who have their own bed???
Lastly, I can't remember if I have informed my blog of this news. Some of you will remember my friend who decided she was going to come off of contraceptive and TTC because she was worried "something was wrong with her", rather than actually wanting a child? Well a few weeks before Christmas I got a text saying she needed to talk to me and I was going to be mad at her etc etc...so I obviously decided she was pregnant and sat, shaking, waiting for her next texts to come through. WELL turns out I couldn't be more wrong. Turns out she's having an affair with someone she works with. Right? But things are a little more awkward than this, as her currently BF (I say bf, they've been together 9 years and own a house) is Martins best friend. She obviously immediately said "don't tell Martin", being a wife, I obviously ignored that advice and HAD to tell him. I don't lie to him.
That's was now...6-7 weeks ago. She's still having this affair, is openly in a relationship with another man at work (all her work friends and close friends know about it) but her BF doesn't. She's met her 'other mans' family and all while her BF is sat at home thinking everything is right with the world. I'm getting rather upset and annoyed by the whole thing, as far as she knows I've been lying to Martin for 6-7 weeks and she keeps telling me details I simply don't want to know. Sigh. Let's see how this turns out...
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